Sex - so yeah, I don't know how :(

I'm not a gay man, obviously. But I have heard about certain women who identify as "stone" - meaning that they touch their partners and actually get off from what hey do to their partners in bed - but they do not allow their partners to reciprocate. I assume there a men who are the same way??

 

Hi, Runnerrunner!!!

Oh my gosh, I've had this same exact issue with my ex girlfriend. I enjoyed pleasing her, but I did not want her to touch me sexually at all. It was difficult trying to explain how I felt because she loved to give just as much as I did. However, I felt like I was being 'violated' honestly, which is such a horrible feeling.

^ This is how I feel as well, and I'm not sure how to fix the issue. I've been told seek out a sex therapist, but unfortunately I do not have the means to do so at the moment.

So, I did a little research myself and I discovered that perhaps, it has a lot to do with feeling ashamed. I mean, I don't feel ashamed to have feelings for women, but I can't seem to relax, open up nor relax during sex.

I think by trying to control my desires, it really did a number on my psyche. I forced myself to only like men in past, that way I wouldn't have to confront my feelings for women.

 

You may find it easier to explore this one you have a partner you've been with a little longer. I know you said you did fool around with a guy, but you didn't say if you two were in a relationship at all.

I had not had any sex (not even straight sex) before getting together with my girlfriend, and I had a lot of the same worries that you do. I do seem to have a strong preference for pleasing her, not because of identifying as "stone" but simply because the other way around holds enough baggage and anxiety for me that I have difficulty enjoying it.

However, as we've been in our relationship we've worked on this. She does whatever it takes to make me feel comfortable. And she is very understanding. Without her being so amazingly helpful to me it would have been all too easy to just not explore these things and stick to only pleasing her.

We got this far by really talking about it very directly and openly. She knows my history. I ask her millions of questions, and she will always answer me patiently and thoroughly. No questions are off limits. When you find a relationship like this (if you have not already) perhaps you will be able to work on being comfortable with being touched. And when you do find a relationship like this I'd recommend just talking about what you're trying to work on directly with your partner. I found that once I was able to do that, that simply talking about it eased SO much of my anxiety.

 

Don't beat yourself up. As you can see you're not the only one who has this issue. Besides, all our lives as men we're told other guys don't touch other guys like that... we're encouraged to create barriers between ourselves and other men, both physical and emotional. Add on top of that spending so long in the closet, we teach ourselves to build up even more barriers.

Massage Therapy is the best way I can think to combat this outside of a relationship right off the top of my head. However, if you can find a relationship with another man who you can trust, be emotionally vulnerable with, and who can respect your boundaries you can gradually work together over time expanding the amount of touch that feels comfortable to you.

Just as an example, in a relationship let's say your comfort zone is being shirtless and having another guy touch your body in a way that you know is going to be intimate. You could start there, simply at the edge of your comfort zone, letting him caress and rub your back, chest, shoulders, neck, and arms. You both could be sitting somewhere in a relaxed environment, perhaps not even a bedroom, simply talking and enjoying each others company as this happens. No pressure to go any further than that.

Once you get comfortable with that, you could attempt something slightly more intimate, for example, laying down in the bed while holding each other while shirtless. That much skin to skin contact could produce some anxiety.

Then, once you're comfortable with that, you eventually move on to something else. The goal being where you feel comfortable being completely naked with another man, and letting him touch you anywhere on your body. Not even necessarily in a sexual way - just intimate. Basically it's about finding where your comfort zone is and going just a little bit beyond it, getting comfortable, and then going a little bit beyond it again until you feel completely comfortable.

It could take some time, but anyone worth their salt in a relationship is going to respect your boundaries. If you're open and honest, like Parsley said - talking about what you're feeling openly and directly - any guy worth his salt will be willing to work with you until you feel comfortable. If he's not prepared to respect your boundaries, then it's a good sign you need to move on anyway.

Hopefully this at least gives you some inspiration and an idea on how to move forward. This doesn't have to be a serious problem, and if viewed from a certain way, could allow you to build amazing trust and intimacy with a guy you're in a relationship with.

 

Aldrick's advice is excellent. I once did a touch workshop for men led by a man from Switzerland. He used many of the same techniques, allowing each man in the workshop to be blindfolded and then tell his "touch" crew, usually 3 other men, where he did NOT wish to be touched. Respecting that boundary, the touch crew then began a series of soft, loving strokes to "awaken" the man's body to the pleasure of being touched. For many men, it was a powerful and deeply emotional experience to finally be caressed and lovingly touched without a "sexual" intent. Men have so many boundaries installed in our lives around touch, it's no wonder you're finding challenges. But with time, they can and will fall away. Just go slow, set your boundaries, and work with some who cares about you.

 

I cant say that I have experienced this predicament before, but I can tell you it sounds perfectly normal. You were hurt after the divorce. Some events can be damaging, the fact that you couldn't let the guy touch you could relate to some emotional scarring, especially if you felt wronged during the event.

What I recommend is try to get close to your next sexual partner.
You may have been so used to having a significant other that you know and trust have sex with you.

 

I think what you need is an actual "relationship." You need to become comfortable with the person you're with. That means, become comfortable with their perception of you, their perception of your body, and their presence in your bed. Become confident in yourself and in the fact that you want to be pleasured. Become confident in the fact that they WANT to pleasure you.

At first, you can pretend. It will eventually "feel" like a reality.

 

It's not fucked up at all, it just happens to be where you're at currently in your life. The good news is that if we want to change things like this; we can. We aren't "stuck" in these situations forever.

The guy you're looking for certainly exists, you just need to look for him in the right places. You're not going to find him in places that are designed for hooking up, guys there aren't looking for intimacy they're just looking for sex. (And these two things, although often linked, are not always the same.)

Look in more non-sexualized environments. Places like LGBT Meetups, activist groups and gatherings, LGBT Book Clubs, etc. You're going to want to find someone who you hit it off with as friends first and foremost. Once you've hit it off as friends, you can ask him out, and if he says yes - then you both can begin dating. Eventually at some point along that line, as you've built trust and an emotional connection together, that's when you'll want to have a frank, honest, and open discussion about where you're at.

That's when you talk about where you are emotionally, what you feel comfortable with, and what you don't feel comfortable with; and even more importantly - how you get comfortable with more. A guy in this situation isn't going to go, "Well, he doesn't want to have sex with me. I'm out!" He's going to be committed emotionally to you already, and is going to want to help you get to a better place.

And of course, this is an intense level of intimacy because it involves an intense level of vulnerability. A guy who is just going out and just having casual sex with other guys isn't getting this level of intimacy because it doesn't involve this level of vulnerability. ...and because it involves such a deep level of vulnerability and intimacy it actually strengthens a relationship rather than hurting it. Parsley's relationship with her girlfriend is a great example of this.

 

This is my year 1 of coming out. I'm having, a, umm, very experiental year. And yes, I've been called "baby gay" a few times.

Its OK, really it is. Sex, like dating, relationships, is something you learn by doing. Its perfectly fine to laugh, smile, and say " ya know, it just isn't working for me" or "I know this is important to you, how do I do this?" I, more than a few times, :rolle: have said "I was never very good at geometry -- what should I be doing?"

I'm not the right partner for some men, that's ok. For someone who cares about me, who wants our relationship to improve, grow, be more, we talk about what works and what doesn't work so well sexually. (as well as other parts of the relationship that work or don't work).

Take your time. Smile, laugh at yourself.

My most important advice -- don't have sex with your head. Don't think/ over think/ analyze it (at least while you're in bed with a man!). Allow yourself to feel from your gut, from deep in your belly, your soul, the sexual man you are. Accept the thinking/ over thinking part. But don't have sex from there. Be sexual from the core and depth of your being, from the fire in your belly. You'll be expressive and open to another's expression being there, instead of thinking and ruminating about it all. (oh, and to be clear, I'm still working on it!).

All the best... you're baby gay. Its all ok!

 

Maybe you always want to be dominant and in control.

It is not about you being afraid of receiving love but more a question of you being afraid of losing control.

 

Hi,

Closed off is safe. Being vulnerable risks emotional pain.

Give yourself time to heal. Find a therapist to help guide you to your resolution (reject any therapist who does more than guide).

It is easy to "give" of oneself, but to "receive" is difficult after being wounded.

Risk and trust are essential to build a relationship.

 

Sex, almost by definition is vulnerability. You are literally naked with another person, you can't hide and you aren't supposed to hide.

Sex, above all, is letting go. I can't describe it as anything other than letting that sexual being inside you to come forward and take over for a while. Letting go is rather scary.

 

Face it... Gay community can be shallow.

Few middle aged men have abs of steel, or the tight, fit bodies we had in youth.

Add other non physical insecurities plus being new to gay sex...

You did a great job first time out of the gate.

Don't over-think it.

Trial run so to speak. Possibly the next guy you will emotionally and physically connect with and will be totally different.

 

You do have the slight advantage that you have actually had sexual contact with another person before. That whole concept was foreign to me before my girlfriend. I'd never been touched or touched anyone. Ever. My idea of staying in denial was to avoid all of it over the years. No hand holding, no awkward slow dancing in middle school or high school, no kisses, no hugs, nothing. I was starting from scratch on the whole human contact thing. BUT with work it slowly and surely got better and easier.

I don't know if this will help you, but as I discussed things with my girlfriend we'd talk before getting together for a date and decide what I was comfortable with for that date. Making decisions ahead of time made me less fearful. Holding hands? Cuddles with clothes on? Cuddles in bed with clothes on? Kissing? Kissing in bed with clothes on? etc. And if we were trying something new that I hadn't been comfortable with before there was always an understanding that is was a try, and that we would stop judgement free if it ended up making me a level of uncomfortable I couldn't or didn't want to handle.

 

Hey Runner, I can definitely attest to the fact that you are NOT alone. I've got so many "touch" issues and hang-ups that I've actually begun having dreams about being labeled, like a shelf in a crystal shop, "DO NOT TOUCH!" It's scary as hell.

As a matter of fact, it's so scary to me that even while reading Aldrick's incredible advice, I started having a mini-panic attack. Can't even imagine what state I'd be in if actually trying to put any of that good advice to use. This is honestly one of the most intimidating things to me when thinking about moving on and getting myself "out there".

And to whomever it was that posted about men having so many barriers built up, just need to let you know, it's not only men! Women are subjected to social stigma for even having a sexual desire, let alone acting on it, yet they're objectified at every turn and have to deal with not only emotional vulnerability, but in most cases, physical vulnerability as well. Let me tell you, as Americans, no one has it easy when it comes to sexuality. We're all raised with all the wrong messages and right here, in the closet, afraid of touch, afraid of desire, fear of our own vulnerability, all the things being expressed in this thread are prime examples of what all those warped messages our society sends has reaped.

Good luck Runner. I'll be rooting for you. I've got to believe there's hope for us all!

 

Let's make the assumption that you meet another guy, and you progress to the point where you both want to go to bed. At that point, as others have suggested, you're going to want to take your inhibitions off along with your clothes. Because at that point, it's time for the REAL you to be in bed with him. Not the mask of false bravado you wear 24/7, but YOU. And you just tell him "I've only been to bed with one other guy. I don't have much idea what to do, and I've got some hang-ups about some stuff. But I really want to make a go of this." I can guarantee he's gonna be OK with that. Yeah, he might prefer an expert lover (wouldn't we all?), but if he likes you enough to take you to bed, I'm betting he likes you enough to make the bed trip a pleasant one for you.

Lex

 

I've had similar problems with partners of both genders. It's also maybe a question of motive and opportunity. I don't know.i know I need and crave physical contact, but don't get it the way I need. That's also a problem. Baby steps dude!