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I came out to my wife yesterday

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Richie., Dec 30, 2013.

  1. Richie.

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    She was so hurt at me saying it wAs over but giving no answer she thought there was someone else.

    So I text her I was gay and she told me to come home. She didn't believe the text

    She went through stages of grief I told her I love her and I'm sorry I never wanted to hurt her

    She said she was scared of being abandoned I told her I wouldn't

    I read this post to her minus a few details http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/105538-married-ten-years.html

    She asked me to go bed with her And we hugged but I slept on the sofa. I didn't want to send the wrong message

    We woke up today it's not midday here and she has been crying all morning. I feel helpless

    She wants me to move out. I have nowhere to go

    I don't regret telling her though it's just hard right now

    I thank all who supported me during this hard time
     
  2. Seanc

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    Well done for telling her..even though things seem pretty awful at the moment, I am sure in time that you will both realise that it is better that everything is out in the open..good luck..
     
  3. D43054

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    Ric,

    Congratulations on your courage. You have done the right thing for her... In time she will come to terms with the change. I know it's hard right now... But it will improve. Now, you can be the person you long to be. It doesn't mean you don't love her. You just can't love her the way she deserves. Be patient and loving, she needs that right now.
     
  4. greatwhale

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    Hey Ric,

    We're here for you during this difficult time, I commend your courage and your love and consideration for your wife.
     
  5. Choirboy

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    Very brave, and I know very difficult. I would try to avoid immediately moving out if you can. As awkward as it can be to stay, it gives you a lot of chances to talk about things and work through some of them. We have had many strange little discussions, some civil and some not, that would not have happened if I had moved out, and it's helping both of us work slowly toward the future.

    But first things first--you have taken a huge, frightening step that you knew you had to take, but really never wanted or expected to. We're here for you and are proud of you, and we know your pain and uncertainty. Take care.
     
  6. Aldrick

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    I just wanted to offer yet another voice of support. You did the right thing and acted with incredible bravery. You have a rocky road ahead of you, but at the end of that road you'll finally be free. In the end this was the right decision for both of you, and while she may not feel like it now - dragging things on would have only hurt her more in the end.

    As you know there are plenty of people here who can give you support and advice directly from personal experience. Just keep reminding yourself that you're not alone, and try not to beat yourself up. Her emotions may swing wildly in the next few days, or perhaps even weeks as she comes to terms with the situation.

    As you have young children, I'd recommend some form of counseling for you both. Attempting to find some way to end things on a amicable ground is what is in the best interest of them. Getting some help with working through the grief, blame, anger, and other emotions would be helpful to you both.

    (*hug*)
     
  7. Richie.

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    So my mom just came round to see it all come out. I seem to be enemy number one.

    They can't understand it saying 'you have never been with a man, so how do you know?'

    And my mom said well your step dad is the most homophobic man I know

    Also my wife wants me to leave, but I have nowhere to go, my mom offered a roof to both my wife and my children but not me.

    Feel rubbish now. But through it all I've made the right decision I can't live like this anymore.
     
  8. Lindsay11

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    It was very brave of you to take the plunge and tell her. She will eventually acclimate to the idea and will recover, but it will be difficult for both of you for awhile. See if you can work out some way to stay with her in the house at least for a short time, for two reasons. First, she won't feel abandoned, and second, it will give you a chance to find another place. Be patient, you've done the hard part, now you have to give it time.
     
  9. Aldrick

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    A few things I'd like to say...

    1. You don't have to leave, no matter what your wife wants. The home is as much yours as it is hers. She is, of course, free to leave if she wishes, but she can't deny you access to your children.

    2. It shouldn't be forgotten that as a result of your mothers wishes you spent an additional three years in the closet. Based on what you've written, she doesn't appear to be a positive influence on this situation at the moment. You may wish to consider asking her to leave and keep to her own business while you both attempt to sort things out on your own. There is no reason she needs to inject herself into the middle of your relationship issues.

    3. Don't beat yourself up. Especially don't allow your mother to beat you up, as for the last three years she's known that you were gay and encouraged you to stay within the marriage. She has no moral high ground on which to stand. Your wife being upset is understandable, but there are limits to what is acceptable. For example, she can't kick you out to live on the streets or deny you the ability to see your children.

    Hang in there Ric. (*hug*)
     
  10. Richie.

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    Thanks you guys, your support means the world to me, I have no real support
     
  11. Emberblaze

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    Hey man, it's a good thing you came out to her, and it's good that you dont doubt your decision. I know it's a hard one to make, and even harder when she doesn't understand. Keep your head up and stay positive.

    When it comes to the decision making on who gets the kids and the house and all of that, I know it'll be a strain, but don't be afraid to be assertive, but be peaceful about it. Don't say anything you'll regret, no matter WHAT she says to you, she's grieving... As unfair as it sounds, just give her time, it's the best way to save you two's relationship as friends in the long run.

    I know it must really be demoralizing having everyone see you as the bad guy, but don't focus on what all the others are saying, it's between you and your ex-wife. Don't let mom or step-dad interfere.

    Hang in there man, you have support on this side, and I'll pray for you that all goes well.
     
  12. greatwhale

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  13. tscott

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    CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

    I'm very proud of you. Big bear hugs all around. You've my prayers and well wishes, as does your wife. Everyone else just needs to give you space. Welcome to a big new year in '14.
     
  14. Rose27

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    Ric- (*hug*) As others have mentioned your wife can't kick you out. My very STBX told me "I want you out sooner rather than later." My lawyer said he could not kick me out of our home. You do not owe her because your gay. Logic often gets really warped by the hurt & anger of spouse sometimes & our guilt leads us to believe it...Let her say whatever and just listen. Like Emberblaze said "Be peaceful" . Talk to a lawyer. Many have a free 30 minute consultation.
    I was also told by my lawyer not to spend a single night away from my son until Seperation agreement was signed. Custody can get complicated....
     
    #14 Rose27, Dec 30, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 30, 2013
  15. Richie.

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    Spending New Years on my own kinda thought I would
     
  16. ormanout

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    After this courageous step, the best thing you can give yourself and your spouse is time. Time to adjust and time to heal from the shock and newness is necessary for both of you. I'm coming up on a one-year mark and have had four months of couples therapy and individual therapy to get to where my spouse and I are today. I never would have believed that she could develop as much understanding and become as supportive as she has. While she was deeply fearful of being left alone, now that possibility strikes far less fear in her. Only time could have allowed her to develop greater comfort with that idea. Best wishes and please come to E.C. often. The first six months are the roughest and I couldn't have made it without all my E.C. support.
     
  17. baby

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    That's very brave, noble and honest of you to tell her. I hope that you both recover well and your hearts are mended.
     
  18. Richie.

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    Thanks guys

    My wife said something amazing..

    She said, 'I've lost a husband, but gained a best friend..' Touched my heart
     
  19. Highlander2

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    Hang onto that Ric. It's a sign that at least she acknowledges she still wants you in her life, rather than hating you and never wanting to see you again. Especially if you have kids as I do, you want to keep her close and work at being her friend if you can't be her husband. I know that this is a really tough time. I did it nearly three months ago, and although there are days when we both cry, we are coming to terms with the fact that I will need to move out if I am to stay sane and not a snarling, snapping, stressed out person. It's really hard. I - and I'm sure you - didn't plan your life around feeling this way, but it's the way we are and I can't see a way to change it. Good luck and you know you can say how you feel here.
     
  20. tscott

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    That's great news. Hoping for the same.