In the past three years I have come across a lot of men who seem to be very unforgiving and when one things goes wrong within your friend or relationship it stops without repair. Recently it has happened again with a man I had been speaking to for about three months, we got into a mild disagreement. The disagreement was over him whispering while I was talking during a support group he moderates. I had gotten a little irritated with him that he does not seem to listen to others and especially whispering to the person next to him while others are talking is not a good way to create open discussion. He then got offensive and decided to tell me we can't be friends anymore. I had apologized for confronting him about it (which I did in private and which I feel I did not have to) but for some reason that didn't repair the situation. I recently sent him a Christmas card in hopes it would break the ice, but still no movement. Do people not forgive anyone anymore? Do people not talk things out and try to solve the issues? I'm not sure if there is something I'm doing wrong -- maybe I shouldn't have said anything to him, but I didn't think it would murder the friendship for good. Thoughts?
you were right to be pissed that he didn't pay attention at you while you were taliking, support groups are all about good communication and respect but he's certainly overreacting. .is there any chance that your way of pointing out he's wrong was offensive to him ? i'm not sure ppl forgive nowadays but it worths the effort to ask him why he doesn't. idk
Well it seems like forgiveness isn't so widespread at least. It's not dead, but it's not kicking either. I guess it's because everyone's told they're supposed to be flawless and infallible to get anywhere in life these days, and that's just trickled its way down to even the most basic admissions of failure like that. That and there are just some stubborn, stubborn people around. I think it was entirely reasonable to raise the issue with him- as long as you weren't cussing and hollering at him, there's nothing unreasonable about just saying that it was an inconsiderate thing to do- because it is, in most ways you look at it. Also you did it in private to save him face, so if anything he should be grateful you didn't show him up there and then. There's just... I can't fathom why such a trivial thing would kill a friendship stone dead. Maybe he's had past experiences of people seeing him as a doormat and he's sick of it, but still... that's a pretty weak excuse. I feel as though you've got nothing to apologise for here, it should be completely the other way round. But if he's like that when you're being nice, who knows what he'll do if you decide to play hardball with him...
I've had several similar situations in the past, friends turning on me, etc. In the end you just have to let some people go. If forgiveness is not an option for them, then you have to realize it and move on with your life. I find grudge-holding to be one of the nastiest qualities in a person. And I've built my defenses against it to the point where I don't tolerate it any more. Everyone makes mistakes. That should be realized.
Yes. Communication has definitely been blocked. He's moved on like nothing happened or if I ever existed and it really hurts because the situation was dumb.
I really feel for you. When relationships that were previously fruitful went sour in my life, it really took its toll on me. I would literally lose sleep over it and have terrible nightmares all the time regarding this individual person. Don't put up with it. If they don't like you, move on. It's their problem, not yours!
If I had a $1 every time someone has said this to me. The other caveat to this story is that he is a Pastor of a church. I hadn't been involved in organized religion for over four years. When I started going to his church, we began talking and realizing we had a lot in common. Out of the blue he said we couldn't be friends anymore because of his job. I had gotten even more angry at him, but now I'm trying to let it go by reconnecting with him for some reason. I sent him a Christmas Card recently, but I've yet to hear anything from him about it. It's just awful to think someone who represents christianity and is a steward to so many people can act and treat others this way.
Some people just can't take criticism. I know a person similar to this. Multiple people (me included) have sat down to talk calmly and politely about certain behaviors with him. But every time, he blames others for not "understanding him". Now, he simply ignores the people who've talked with him about this stuff, even where where our social groups overlap, like a party. If one person he holds a grudge against shows up to talk in a group, he stops talking and leaves to go talk to other people What I've learned from this is that no matter how hard you try, your actions can't do anything for someone who isn't willing to accept help/kindness. If that happens, it really is just best to move on since there's nothing you can do if they aren't willing to hear you out. Hopefully the guy in your situation will realize he's losing a good friend, and I think it's really nice of you to try and reach out again! Grudges are almost never appropriate, as they just end up hurting both parties (and usually for little things that have been blown out of proportion).
Thank you, Coinshot. You're right . . . I still have yet to hear back from him regarding the Christmas card I sent to him, but I think he'll never contact me again. Does everyone agree this relationship is not repairable?
