Teens and older guys

Yes, there can be a power imbalance, but the same is also true of a skinny person marrying a muscly one, or a rich person marrying a poorer person. Mixed-race relationships and heterosexual relationships also have power/privilege imbalances.

Age differences mean that the people involved (especially the younger one) just have to be careful, and if it works out as a partnership of equals, then it should be fine. Age can cause a power imbalance, but it's not as if age is the only thing that does, or the worst thing that contributes to unequal relationships.

 

Gosh, this has gotten so out of hand! I'm not even sure people are talking about the same thing. When I responded, I did so thinking the poster was specifically talking about young, teenage guys, at or just over the legal age for consent with older men. That sounds very different than a simple age disparity, which I think is probably irrelevant. I don't see a basis for judging whether an age disparity is a barrier to happiness in a relationship. But, a a teenager in my view is still a boy and is subject to emotional perils in a relationship with a much older man that could have a predatory aspect

 

Yes, the desire to have power over someone could subconsciously influence the attraction from the more mature man.

I had a friend who had a supervisory job in a situation that employed a lot of young guys. He was in his late 30s. He was attracted to guys who worked there, from their late teens to early twenties, and who were sort of finding themselves. I asked him "What do you see in them?" He answered "I want to be there for them and offer support." I told him "That's what their parents are for."

The last straw was when he went to a house party and told me there was a son of some guest who was 14 and "a real looker" in attendance. I couldn't handle it. At best, what I might see every now and then, is someone young who got good genes and, if they take care of themselves, will turn out to be good looking adults. One can do the "age progression" in their heads, the way they do on TV. With this guy, his leering at young guys made me very uncomfortable. We drifted apart. I didn't support his logic, nor his attractions.

 

When I was 19, I dated a man who was 18 years older for three years; he was my first 'boyfriend' aside from some youthful experimentation. Though we did break up, I don't feel at all damaged by it, and I very much cherish the memory of those years. Further, we are still good friends.

After this relationship ended, I met my current partner, who is the same age...and 23 years later, I still don't feel damaged by having dated an older man. Such relationships may not last forever, and may have problems, but I find it disparaging to be told that they are somehow of lesser value, and larded with psychological land-mines. Nor do I like the use of the phrase 'apologist' as if one is simply making excuses. All many people are doing is relating their experiences, and it doesn't feel very nice to have them written off in such a brash, even hostile manner.

 

Finally a person of reason here. My partner is also 18 years older than me. We've been a couple for a few years and I could not be happier. It's hard enough being judged because I'm gay, I don't need a second judgement because of the age of my partner. I love him and he loves me. We make each other happy, have a lot in common and I'm going to college to build a career of my own. I am not dating him for his money or anything else. And I'm not going to apologize because I'm in love with an older man.

 

My opinion, for what it's worth, is that both people need to be on similar emotional and intellectual levels, have common interests and similar expectations etc. This is more likely if they are of similar age (they are more likely to like the same sort of music, enjoy doing the same sort of things, have similar life experiences etc), but it is certainly possible with people of widely different ages too as some posts here have shown. I think it just becomes less likely as the age difference increases.

Also the actual ages are probably more relevant than the difference. For example the difference between 20 and 40 seems huge, whereas the difference between 40 and 60 is much less so.

Somewhere ages ago I saw a suggestion that the youngest person you should go for is half your age, plus 7. So for me being 49 that would be about 32 which actually seems realistic. Of course I'm not suggesting a mere mathematical equation proves anything, but it just might be a very rough indication.

Ultimately though, as long as both people in the relationship are happy and neither feels used or dominated etc, then who cares! Enjoy it!

 

At the risk of introducing a little levity here, I recall what a 40-ish year old (straight) friend said to me while we were observing a very striking looking young woman in her late teens. "I may be too old for her, but there is NO WAY she is too young for me."

Some of us enjoy the company of young people as well as people closer to our own age. They like to play sports, are more spontaneous expressing their feelings, are usually not all involved with and pissed-off about political matters and politicians, and have a positive attitude about their future. They are also more likely to be open and less cautious about making new friends. That doesn't mean they would be appropriate for a serious "relationship", but they can be fun to hang out with at the gym or "doing things" (camping, biking, hiking etc) which older people have lost interest in. I find them a welcome alternative to people who have become "old and set in their ways", but I don't expect them to have a "sexual" interest in someone my age (even if there is "NO WAY they would be too young for me" LOL (!))

 

Exactly. It's hurtful to those who are succeeding with such relationships - and it has nothing to do with the strength of the relationship or the amount of doubt, but rather the sensitivity of the person being targeted by these crude remarks.

 

No one is being targeted. We were asked our views. The initial post even entertained the notion of "age of consent" and all that goes with that.

That said, dipping down real low, in terms of age, is unwise, because it could get someone into trouble.

As far as these relationships go, what I've been able to see is a 90:10 success rate across people I know, and in the people they know, with about 10% of them making the grade. However, if you're not a betting man or woman, you might want to weigh the 90% more strongly. Parenthetically, this number is probably higher with heterosexual women, maybe even 20% to 1/3, because provider status is important to some and validated by society. Conversely, younger man with older woman generally doesn't often make it long-term, either. What is success, anyway? Two years? Twenty years? All of these situations can end in separation or divorce, but last enough to make them a significant part of one's life. If it's a short-lived sexual agreement, that's not a successful relationship.

It's a numbers game. If you want to try it, go ahead, but make sure they are over 18, and check their IDs. One may be successful at it or one may not.

 

I wasn't talking about the original poster - he asked a question and some people jumped in with swords sharpened and guns drawn. But yes, it goes without saying that underage is almost certainly off limits for a number of reasons, not the least of which being the legal concerns. Even young adults are cause for concern; many lack the maturity, wisdom and tenacity to handle a relationship based on more than just sex - gay or straight, intergenerational or not.

 

I was thinking the same thing when I was writing. You can have someone between 18 and 24, and they may not be mature. At 24, I was very mature in some departments and very immature in others. Many are returning home after university studies more so than ever before, and that causes them both emotional and financial turmoil.

You can also bet that many parents will go after the 40 year old man or woman coming after their 24 year daughter or son, respectively, with both barrels and raise hell. And, if it's of a same-sex nature, expect the parental reaction to escalate even more. Times change, but basic parenting styles seemingly do not.

 

Yep, and quite a few people have made no progress in some departments even at middle age. As for the parents going off their rocker, I know it all too well. I'm trying to make this as easy as I can on them without compromising my own position.

 

When I was about 50 I had a fling with someone in their mid 20s. It lasted a few months. He had no one special at the time and liked the nice restaurants, times on the boat and other activities we did. They were a change of pace from hanging out in bars. I fed my ego and drained my wallet but enjoyed it. I told him, "I know this won't last long but right now we're enjoying ourselves and when I'm old and sitting in my rocker I'll enjoy the memories." I'm not ready for the rocker yet but I do enjoy the memories. It worked because neither of us had any delusions about the realities of the relationship.

 

A constructive approach for the situation you described, except for the wallet part!

 

Hello,

You both bring up excellent points that will surely entice some of us to explore your views/positions further.

My view is that humans learn similar things about themselves at different stages in their lives and this will always require its due attention.

On who wins the argument. We all loose. We all loose because you both let the "fallacy" take over the conversation. It all became a textbook literally. Staying positive, you two "tightrope and Todd" do the logic dance very well and deserve praise for that! Well done!

-Alex

 

i really dont want to sound like im judging peoples personal experiences
.but i think chip who is clearly very well informed and educated in this area should have his advice seen as just that.
one thing ive learnt as i got older is far more often than not its better to give peoples views trained in these fields.more weight than our own reasoning .so basically sit back relax and take notes.

 

Alex, what I was getting at is that, as the adage goes, "we are the sum total of our life experiences." People's life experiences and how they process them are highly unique and specific to that person. But I sense that you see that as well.

---------- Post added 8th Dec 2013 at 08:04 PM ----------

True. You can't judge people's personal experiences. What you can judge, and agree or disagree with, is their position on and perception of those experiences.

Every professionally trained person has a viewpoint that is more informed than that of the person who is not trained in a field. This is clear. However, there are situations where a person either becomes really informed with a matter and they also present a valid point of view. A friend's wife successfully battled breast cancer and she has expressed extreme frustration at how the doctors didn't know what she was feeling, on an organic level, better than she did. She piloted her recovery plan. Similarly, I have had doctors who missed stuff because I know my body's "patterns" better than they do, since I live in it 24/7. However, your point of giving credence to professionals is taken.

 

well iam 21 and i would prefer a lot older guy in the late 30's and into their 40's , i am not looking for a sugar daddy at all , thats not me but i do like the masculinity of an older guy - sometimes you find young gay men not very butch and straight acting no offence iam quite camp myself but i like older men who have had the experiance and due to the past have had to try and hide who they really are so appear much more manly and straigh acting which i like and if people have seen my profile i find bald men attractive and guys with short or shaven hair and who are able to know what they want out of life without piss farting about

 

That's how I viewed it at age 21, or thereabouts. No need for a relationship. No need for a sugar daddy. Exactly. It's just their masculinity that they display more effortlessly.

 

If it feels right go for it. It might fall through (likely), but you won't know unless you give it a shot.

If you care what other people think of your "partner", maybe you should reconsider this partner. I think the normal reaction is to be weirded out, by like 18 year olds with 40 year olds or something, but I don't think it should be like that.

I mean consider this. Two 25 year olds. One like he/she (the English language really needs a non gender version of he/she, like I know they have in Sweden and China)... Kay, one of them looks to be around late 30s or early 40s, while the other without make up looks like she could be in middle school still.