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Should I come out? sacrificing popularity?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by notconfused, Dec 1, 2013.

?

Is it worth it?

Poll closed Dec 8, 2013.
  1. yes, come out.

    10 vote(s)
    50.0%
  2. no, wait until college.

    10 vote(s)
    50.0%
  1. notconfused

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    I go to a small school in a small town where everyone knows everyone. The population is about 5000 and very conservative. The social environment is, unfortunately, very segregated; you are either "in" or "out" of the social scene and if you are out, you aren't getting in. This is a school where everyone in the high school knows almost everyone by first and last name. I am one of the popular kids and I have a pretty close group of dudes that I hang out with and really like as friends (not in any type of romantic way; I'm not attracted to most strait dudes).

    Negatives: I know they will still hang out with me and sort of accept me if I come out, but it would change things, our friendship would feel forced, I think. Not only that, I have would no longer be that popular good looking dude to everyone at the school, I'd be that one gay dude. I feel like even though I would still be able to hang out with them, they would no longer see me as a friend.

    When I said the town is conservative, I mean that the town is ran by old white people with a bible behind every word they say; my father is one of them, so they will all know fairly quickly what my business is and label me as "confused" and possibly throw holy water on me.

    I'm in football. Yeah the team would not take it all that well. Especially the coaches.

    It would break my girlfriends heart (that is a mistake that I should have ended a long time ago but I can't seem to make myself make her cry; I hope she cheats on me or something.)

    All of my close friends are dudes (I don't act femmenine whatsoever).. Not girls, like almost every gay dudes friends are from around here.



    Positives: I could finally flirt other gay dudes publically finally :kiss:

    I acted really "gay" between the ages of 3 and 5 (I apparently abruptly stopped as soon as school started) so my parents joke with me about it sometimes and say they though I was gay and had accepted that it was okay, but they are glad for me (for social reasons) that I was not but that they'd love me all the same if I was.

    I could stop stressing about being so careful about deleting my history when searching gay related things, such as this forum.

    It is going to happen someday anyway (if not now, then defiantly in college)




    To those who to the outside world have always seemed gay, thus question is so trivial and the answer is always 'duh come out" but to me, as a guy who is friends with dudes and not girls (I defiantly would not have fun sitting in a room of girls gossiping). I find it hard to compel myself and the the right thing by letting everyone know who I really am by sacrificing my place in my group and town.

    PS. I have no issues accepting my own gayness, I've known since I was about 6 that I was gay and that I probably shouldn't tell anyone because it was not accepted by most people.
     
  2. Skov

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    One important detail is what year are you in school. That would change my opinion based on how much time I had left.

    Second thing (and I know this is easier said than done), is that you should break up with your girlfriend like now. I dated girls before and I just ended up hurting them in the end and it really sucked. It only gets harder to break up as time passes and she gets closer to you, so it is only fair to her for you to end it now. You don't have to come out to her when you end it or give her a reason, you just need to end it. It'll be one less negative at least :slight_smile:
     
  3. EarthBound

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    If you came out now would you be at risk of being kicked out/cutoff financially by your family?
     
  4. Revan

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    It doesn't sound like he would thankfully. He said they've joked about how they thought he was gay when young but were happy he wasn't, for social reasons, likely they were worried about him being ostracized rather than about him being gay. I'd say he's got his family no matter what but I too am wondering about what year he's in.

    If you're in your final year, I'd say it doesn't matter. But if you're only midway I'd maybe think about waiting. Normally I'd say don't wait because it gets harder but same time...I just don't want to see any teen go through hell.
     
  5. notconfused

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    No my parents won't cut me off whatsoever and almost everyone in my family will be supportive. I have 1 and a half years left of schooling.
     
  6. greatwhale

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    Well,

    If you're not putting yourself in any danger, and if you are already popular (in the high school sense), and if your family is accepting (and your coming out won't affect them too much in that community) then by all means do! There may be shock and awe (there also may not be) for about 2 days, until the next rumor or bit of news takes hold.

    One of the main reasons you should (although this is entirely your decision, so no pressure) is that you will lead by example (ah the burden of popularity!) and others at your school who are closeted may take heart from what you have done.
     
  7. Tightrope

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    Exactly. That's what was going through my head. If the OP is a HS junior or senior, then that time will fly by. It's not like many, if any, 17 and 18 year olds meet their lifetime significant other in those two years. Not only that, the first positive mentioned was that the OP can flirt with guys. You would be surprised at how much more forward people are in a big public university, where there is more anonymity and fewer consequences of a grapevine, and this was a while back! I was surprised. Enjoy football and enjoy everything else if you have any doubts or questions. Anything going sideways right now can mess with your grades or your SAT scores for college. I only say this because, while my situation was nothing like this (no football here), a change of high schools at grade 11 didn't go well, took my grades down some, and I didn't give a rip about the SAT, but I still got good scores. Things can change quickly. I never realized that until now.

    Worry about picking a university that's right for you, both for what you want to study and for a good fit.
     
  8. Steve

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    what is populartiy worth if you are not loyal to yourself?

    once you accept who you are and be yourself true to yourself thats when you will find your real friends friends who like you for who YOU are and not someone else.

    the only time i suggest not coming out is when there is a large chance for discrimination and hate. but if its just popularity loss than worth it.

    Good luck
    Steve
     
  9. Kreiger

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    Coming out would make things more difficult for you, but it would also open up some possibilities. If you think its worth the risk, go for it.
    But you should definitely break it off with your girlfriend first, even if its going to hurt her. Its much better now than later.
     
  10. yep

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    People's reactions can surprise you. Personally, if you aren't in immediate danger of getting kicked out, you have friends, and you're confident in your sexuality, I think you should come out! Like everyone else said, there will be an adjustment period, but life will move on and you will find some awesome guy to be with and nobody will bat an eye.

    Best of luck!
     
  11. notconfused

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    I will try to find a time to tell my mom and then the rest of my immediate family tomorrow, and I will find an excuse soon to break up with her, but I'm super anxious and worried about coming out to everyone. I know I would then find true friends that liked me for who I really was, but in this small town and school, there simply isn't any group a gay dude would fit in to unless he really liked hanging out with only girls. I find it unenjoyable to hang out with girls when there are only other girls there; the drama, gossip, and smell of beauty products make me want to jump out of a window.

    The grades are a non-issue. My grades would not drop. I never study and I do well in all of my AP classes so I doubt stress would cause much acedemic turmoil.

    Is it possible to come out to a small group and it not spread? It seams like it would spread no matter what.
     
  12. emkorora

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    tl;dr

    Judging simply by the title's question, yes. Popularity is not something worth preserving in order to deny your heart's pleasures.
     
  13. danball7

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    I think if it's going to make your time remaining at school more difficult, if there are homophobes, bullying etc., I wouldn't come out publicly. Tell your parents if you want to, but say you're staying closeted until university. I'm doing the same thing - it's not that there are tons of homophobic people around, it's just I'm at an all boys school, so it'll make things awkward. Use the time you've got left to work out who your real friends are, and who would support you if you did come out as gay, and keep contact with them once you go to uni. I'm not saying completely deny who you are, tell someone, just make life less difficult until you have a better chance of being widely accepted.
     
  14. biggayguy

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    If it will make a lot of bad memories of high school for you I would wait. In college you can join a GSA and make friends there. Most people at college tend to be more liberal minded.
     
  15. jll2755

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    Honestly. i Was in a similar situation to you. I went to a school of about 400. And it was very clicky. I was a band geek so i didn't really have to worry about my popularity but i actually found that i became more popular once i came out because i was more comfortable with myself. I felt so much better because i didnt feel like i was lying to everyone. I think that you would feel a lot better and enjoy your senior year more if you came out. And in the end its not about what everyone else thinks. It about how you feel. And your real friends will stick by you no matter what.
     
  16. suninthesky

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    1. Make sure you have an adult you trust that will be able to write a letter of recommendation for you for college.

    2. The very fact that you are popular and on the football team could have a big impact. there are other LGBT peeps at your school, even if you don't know it. You could very well be the person that give them hope.

    3. It's my opinion that your girlfriend and parents deserve to know first.

    Try talking with a coach you're familiar with so they know what's going to happen. Say you'll do everything in your power to make it not have an effect on the team, but that you can't connect and work with the team unless you are authentic.
     
  17. gingerincloset

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    There were 76 people in my graduating class and 350 in the high school I went to. Throughout all of high school I knew things about people I never even talked to because of how small it was. There is almost no way to contain a rumor in that type of situation. The positive thing about it though, nobody really cared if you were straight or gay. Sure it opened the door for more jokes, but most of the time it was from people who were friends with those who were gay. I was never one to confirm my sexuality in high school, everyone assumed, but I didn't try to date anyone. I immersed myself in so many extra-curricular activities I didn't have time for anything else. One of the guys who was out at my school was one who was friends with EVERYONE. So it is possible to continue with your status. Is there one friend you know of that you can trust more than anyone else to talk to and see what they think about it? Someone in the same environment can provide a better idea of how it could turn out in my opinion. Regardless, good luck and I hope it turns out well for you! I do agree with those who have said to end it with your current girlfriend.
     
  18. Tightrope

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    I agree and bgg said it more succinctly than I did. Only you know the landscape of your school. You mention you are popular, so that must mean something to you. Even if you kept 80% of your friends, you would be losing 20% of them. You probably don't want them as friends anyway if their friendship is conditioned on your sexuality, but you might think about it. I wasn't and haven't been popular at any point in my life, mostly because I am not a joiner, but when a friendship goes by the wayside, I dwell on it and analyze it.

    So, do the predicting ahead of the action, knowing your school and your friends, and then make the decision as to when and where to do it.

    You sound like a smart guy. I think you'll make the right decision.