For those of you in the closet...

Listening to my mother say how I should get married and all that stuff. Also when people ask me if I have a boyfriend, makes me feel bad. I'm single anyway, so it doesn't matter, just annoying how everyone automatically assumes I'm straight. At this point if anyone other than my family asked me if I'm gay, I would say yes, but apparently I don't look gay, so no one ever asks.

 

Gawd I hate hearing anything related to the bolded; makes me sad still since I am still closeted.

Also, the extreme loneliness, even when around others.

 

Trying to remember who I can be myself around, and who I can't, and constantly wondering if now is the right time, or if I'm actually straight because of how easily I hide it.

 

I can't wait until we get married and I go to the doctor for my yearly physical.

DOCTOR: "So, Mr. (my last name), I hear you just got married. Congratulations! What form of birth control are you and your wife using?"

ME: "The 'My-spouse-is-a-guy-and-can't-get-pregnant' form of birth control."

DOCTOR: "uh..."

 

At the end of the day, not being able to be genuine around my friends.

 

The worst thing about being in the closet, for me, is the feeling of anxiety I get when I catch myself checking out someone. I always get this wave of anxiety thinking that someone else saw me. Thankfully, I am out at my school and my anxiety has gotten way way better!

 

My greatest fear is receiving a negative response from my family. My mom specifically will be very hard to get through. She seems to be very easily influenced by what others think and say, especially if those comments make me appear like an abnormal or defective child. I always know whenever someone has told her something whenever she comes to me asking me why I am not 'normal.' It gets very annoying. I'm just scared on her reaction because I know that once I come out she'll be talking to my aunts and uncles and who knows what ideas the'll put in her head.
I am also scared of not being able to come out and ending up alone and trying to find excuses to why I am alone. Trying to cover it up takes so much energy out me.

 

Feeling lonely even when I'm around my best friends, I have to constantly watch myself for slip-ups and I just feel like I'm not me around my friends, so it makes everything feel kind of fake and it makes me lonely

 

The worst part for me is definitely feeling the need to censor myself, and feeling like I can't really be me. Although, the fear of how people will react and the questions and comments from family members that make me feel like I can't come out are also pretty rough.

 

I am out to a few people now but before that (and still to some extent now) the main thing was the way it is just constantly on your mind. I'm still not sure exactly what my sexuality is, so there was just this constant battle within my head of:

"Maybe this is a good moment to mention something"
"Even if it is a good moment, what would you say?"
"You could just go with however you feel at the moment."
"But what if you change your mind later? Wait, what if you're straight?

And then I'd get back onto the whole inner sexuality debate and it's just so frustrating never getting anywhere with it but constantly thinking about it because you're worried about slipping up.

Also, feeling like you're lying to your friends/family by not mentioning that you're questioning your sexuality even though you've never actually said you're straight.

So basically just a horrible experience. I am infinitely glad that I've been able to come out to few people now.

 

Having to watch what you say. Not telling your parents. Standard stuffs. When I'm with the people who know its so nice to just be myself

 

I'm in the enviable position of not having to be in the closet. It sure feels good.

 

Mainly just fear,

I am finally starting to make some friends and telling them could basically just make me as alone as I was a year ago. I don't think anyone in my school would have a huge problem with it but I just feel like people will act weird around me

 

...Not being able to live the way I want to.
For once, I'm glad I'm surrounded by liberals.

 

Haha, oh wow...that's gonna be fun. XD

That's what I hate, haha. It also sucks in that it makes me potentially miss if so-and-so has been looking back. :dry::lol:

 

Having to lie about who you really are, because you're not certain if you can trust the person enough with that kind of information about you.

 

@C P So true!!

 

The fear that if I come out people will start avoiding me, and my one douchebag friend who constantly hints at me being gay in public (really blatantly, too) just to annoy me.

 

Hmm.... Back when I was in the closet, I was always worried about my friends finding about my sexuality, and then being freaked out. Losing friends has always been a concern of mine, I suppose.