How do I come out to MYSELF?

I suppose I'd just like people's opinion on where I'm at with all this as I have no one to talk to about it. Does it sound like I AM definitely gay? How do i get to that point where I come out to myself and 100% accept my sexuality? You know... that internal acceptance stage you're supposed to reach before coming out to others? If I can't come out to others right now I'd at least like to be able to come out to myself!

I am 23 and have never discussed my feelings about my sexuality with anyone. I have not been in a relationship with either a guy or a girl. So I can't use actual experience to help with my doubts. I guess I'm not truely completely confused. I think I was just slow to catch on to what I was feeling.

I had a kind of obsessive friendship with a girl at school when I was around 15. I would hang on her every word, want to be near her, catch sight of her and talk about her. I wrote about her in my diary (which is odd as never before or since have I written about feelings in a diary). I also kept a picture of her from a school trip (where i felt like I was I heaven) in the diary. I later destroyed said diary and picture by ripping them into tiny pieces; I think I felt what I had written was strange but didn't quite connect with why. In high school my best friend had a boyfriend, I would sit in class and look around at the boys literally trying to pick one that I was attracted to. I couldn't do it but never tried to fake it. I realised by the age of 16 that none of the boys interested me but I felt drawn to a couple of the girls and I would stare that bit too long at them for some reason. I can honestly say by the time I left high school age 16 I had never really fantasised about kissing a girl or doing anything else sexual with them. I hadnt even considered I might be gay. Maybe i had subconciously but never admitted it to myself?

During my 2 years in college I began to realise I might be gay. I became attracted to my gay neighbour who was much older than me, I would imagine kissing her. I began to search for what it mean to be gay, watch tv series with gay female characters etc and became comfortable with the idea that I may be gay. But, I was so far in the closet that I hadn't even considered what it would be like to be out. I told myself i would get a boyfriend by the time I left at 18, trying to prove I could be 'normal'. To add to my confusion during college I began to feel attracted to a boy. This was the first time I had been fully aware of 'fancying' someone, and it was a boy. I never told anyone how i felt about him. Nothing ever happened between us. I did want him to ask me out and kiss me but I can't remember wanting more than that. Maybe the attraction was genuine or maybe I was trying to prove subconsciously to myself that I wasn't gay. I never thought about having sex with him and I guess the attraction was more emotional than physical.

I lived at home with my parents throughout university, 4 years. Again, starting university I said to myself I would have a boyfriend by the time I left. Within a few months this goal had gone out of my mind. I didn't want it anymore and I had started to truely believe I was gay. I fell in love with my best friend at university, a girl, and my infatuation with her continued for about 2 years. I wanted to spend all my time with her and I did as far as possible, I fantasised about kissing her and longed to share her bed when I stayed the night on the floor in her room! Nothing ever happened and she can never know about the way I felt about her. I had to distance myself to get over the way I felt which was so tough. We are still close now but the feelings have gone..

Over the past 4 years i haven't been attracted to any guys at all really and I have pretty much continuously had it at the back of my mind that I am probably gay. I switch between feeling sure and doubtful. Ok with it, then ashamed. I am pretty much exclusively attracted to women now. I like the thought of kissing a woman and making love to a woman. I don't find male bodies at all attractive. The thought of lying in bed with a man beside me makes me feel very uncomfortable if I try to imagine it. The roughness, hairiness and genitals all a major turn off. So there's no way I could be in a relationship with a guy is there?

The major thing that is holding me back and creating doubt in my mind is: those feelings I had for that boy as an 18 year old. What if I felt something like that again for a guy? If i felt it once could it happen again even though i dont like the thought of it!? What if kissing/sex/a relationship with a girl or a guy changes my thoughts on my orientation after I come out?

As far as who I see myself being in love with and spending the rest of my life with. Physically and emotionally... a woman. But right now I am struggling to imagine being able to be happy and comfortable living life surrounded by my family and friends and work colleagues if I'm in a relationship with a woman. Maybe that fear/ doubt would go if I could be 100% confident myself in who I am by coming out to myself and accepting it all internally? But how do I do this?

 

A question before I try it... Do I wake up gay and imagine this day as if everyone knows, accepts and respects the fact that I'm gay? So should I imagine coming home to my parents house and visiting family and them all being cool with it? And everyone in work including me and respecting me?
Forgive me for sounding negative and pessimistic but it is a little tricky to imagine. Only yesterday at work (I work in a pharmacy training to be a pharmacist) I witnessed obvious homophobia. 3 members of staff stood and stared from afar at two women (one of whom was a patient) who appeared to be a couple, both fairly masculine/butch. Comments were made such as: its weird, how can they love each other when they don't look feminine, it's not natural anyway for women to do that, its strange. I've also been told by my boss that I 'saved her' once when I went to see a patient for her because 'she's a lesbian you know'. As if the poor women was going to infect her or something. Not easy to live around people thinking like that...

Anyway, the experiment you suggest sounds interesting. I will try it and will let you know how I get on and share my adventure!

 

Thanks. I know people say there's no pressure if you're not uncomfortable! But I cant help thinking can you ever really get 'comfortable' until you're out and know how people have reacted?
I've been considering coming out to one friend and I may do as you suggest and explain my attraction to women and pretty much non existent attraction to men rather than just saying I'm gay. If I can find the courage that is as I've no idea how she'd react.
At the end of the day it's really just me pressuring myself to identify as something. I suppose it's because letting myself be leads to my mind analysing what I'm feeling so often it's distracting. I hate that it still feels like I'm making a decision about my life as far as what I identify as. I know it shouldn't feel like that because I am who I am and I can't change that.

 

Thanks. It does help to hear someone say that it sounds like I'm on the right path to accepting myself, that I'm acknowledging the things I need to to move forward.

It's interesting you think of England as progressive and very accepting. I suppose in a way it is compared to some, particularly with the laws and what is expected of people in society. But there certainly are pockets of homophobia. It depends on the people in you're life and the circles you move in though doesn't it. That's what makes up your life. For me...
My extended family: in a discussion about our gay neighbours my mother has said to me its fine for them but she wouldn't be pleased if I was gay as her daughter. She proceeded to ask me if I was trying to say i was gay as i was being so defensive but of course I denied it... I regret that. My aunties, uncles and cousins make negative comments about gay tv personalities as if they are disturbing and abnormal. When ever they mentions someone who is gay or lesbian that they have met, it's always with an attitude that is not exactly accepting seeing them as strange and inferior almost. Interestingly though, my dad is very defensive when anyone is slightly negative about gay or lesbian people in conversations that I've heared. He will say something along the lines of 'well theres nothing wrong with that'. I wonder if he suspects?!?.
Friends: I have a few friends none of whom live particularly close by. I've sat through many an awkward discussion keeping quiet whilst they discuss gay people and none of them seem particularly accepting or excessively homophobic. It's hard to read how they would be.
Work colleagues: they are far from accepting as demonstrated by frequent homophobic comments about the patients we see at work who appear to be gay.

So if I'm really really honest I'm pretty sure inside my own head and heart that I am gay and I'm fine with that. But I suppose it's a real fear that my whole life could fall apart if I were to live my life as an open lesbian woman. Yes, coming out would make me happy because I could be me. But... I'm scared I could end up alone and lose the positive things I have now. I think it's these fears that lead me back to doubting my sexuality, wondering if there's any possibility at all that I can avoid facing the situation, if you see what I mean?!?

 

So I've been attempting the experiment, and as you suggested I am sharing my findings.....

Over the last couple of days I've been waking up and trying to completely live, feel and think as if I'm gay. Obviously only in my own head that is, as I'm not out to anyone. I'll be honest, I've only been keeping mental notes, but I'm writing them down now I guess.

The major thing I noticed is it hasn't been feeling much different to how I normally feel!!! Maybe this tells me something. It wasn't a great effort to 'feel gay' so maybe I've been living with the mindset I'm gay for longer than I've realised. What do you think?

You said to observe who I am looking at and attracted to. The people I've seen over the last couple of days have been mainly colleagues and patients/members of public in the waiting room at work. I only saw one I was properly attracted to, a gorgeous dark haired nurse, but I have to say she's caught my eye before on a few occasions! I've been looking at men, who I can see are stereotypically 'attractive' and thought how would it feel to kiss them and more... I haven't been able to imagine enjoying it. I was trying to think of the last time I was out somewhere and found a stranger totally gorgeous. It was my mums birthday and a girl walked in and sat with her back to us in a pub. I couldnt help looking at her throughout the rest of the evening, I couldn't concentrate.

I've been trying to imagine what it feels like to come home to a female partner after work and lie in bed next to a female partner as I fall asleep and as I wake the next morning. I guess I get the feeling it is natural, soft, comfortable and safe but then it is only imagery. I've tried to imagine a male partner in contrast this. I don't like the thought of sharing my bed with a man. In my mind I didn't like that his body isn't soft and smooth, I didn't like kissing his rough face and I didn't like the thought of laying close to a more bulky physique or even having his male private parts near me never mind touching them!!!

I picked up on a general atmosphere of intolerance to homosexuality in my surroundings too though. I listened to some of my colleagues describe a lesbian couple as weird and they seemed disgusted. I guess they wouldnt do this if I was out but they be thinking it.
Another instance.. I was sat with my mum and auntie after work. My mum says that my grandma thinks my cousin's housemate is her girlfriend because my cousin has never had a boyfriend. My mum then says 'but I don't think it's true'. She's justifies this by saying that I hadn't had a boyfriend either. She was implying that she probably isn't gay because I'm not and I've not had a boyfriend either. But, she didn't actually say that i wasn't gay? If only she knew the truth. I found both situations incredibly uncomfortable and I wish I'd had the courage to say something to defend my views but I was scared to come across too obviously defensive. My family know I'm very keen on equality and against discrimination in general though. I think over the last 2 days instances such as these are what was hard about 'feeling and thinking gay'

I went to a colleagues wedding party today. I had to listen to others making comments about when it would be my day and assuming that I'd be marrying a man someday. But in my mind I was quite calm about it really, I didn't feel angry or jealous. I just thought to myself, if only they knew. I have never ever imagined myself getting married in a fairytale wedding, even as a child I didn't. The thought of being 'trapped' in a marriage to a man or going through the whole day wearing a white frock makes me feel very uncomfortable. So much so that I feel certain I'd never let myself do it. Who knows though. If I'm honest, thinking about marrying a woman infront of friends and family also makes me uncomfortable, not excited. I like the idea of commitment but not of the public display of affection which is so far from the 'norm'.

It's been really interesting to make myself think about how different scenarios would make me feel. From what I've written here have I come up with the answer? Does it sound pretty clear that I'm probably gay?

I've been wondering if discussing all of these feelings with one friend in complete confidence would help me on my journey of self acceptance, before I come out to other more important and tricky people eg parents?

 

You're right. I know it can only be me to determine what I am, thank you for reminding me of that fact.

If I was to say honestly what I have discovered about myself... I'm gay. And I've realised I'm totally fine with feeling that way in the privacy of my own head. But it still feels so hard to write it on this page because it feels like I've made some kind of life changing decision. It is ridiculous to feel its a decision. It isn't. It's just who I am. I'm physically and emotionally attracted to women not men (and any incidental attraction to a man in future, whilst unlikely, is ok, and doesn't mean I've been wrong about my identity).

I've realised I have probably only been doubting the fact I'm gay due to a fear of how my life would change if it was true. I guess examining my thoughts and attractions over the last couple of days has led me to realise this... it would make me more unhappy to lead a straight lifestyle in the longer term, that is somewhat unnatural to me but expected by others, than it would to be myself and deal with the judgement, opinions and reactions of others. Now I just need to work out how to deal with said reactions.