Is it inevitable that this will end?

Can you give all of yourself to her? Emotionally, physically and if she demanded it, and if you were married I think it would be reasonable, just to her for the rest of your life with nothing on the side? Those are the questions that I would be asking myself. I am married, my answer to these questions is, no I'm not. But I'm gay, accept this about myself now, and no bi. Hope that helps.

 

My understanding of bisexuality is that instead of half of humanity you have almost all of humanity to choose from, but choice there must be, eventually.

Once that choice is made then all the others are supposed to be off-limits. So yes, to answer your question, yes it is possible, just as it is possible for a hetero guy to have a wife to the exclusion of the rest of half of humanity.

So what are you really asking?

 

It depends on you. Would you be satisfied with only your girlfriend, or is she unable to meet some of your sexual needs? If some sexual needs are not met, would another woman be able to meet them or only a man? Would a man be able to meet all of your sexual needs?

If you find you need more than one person to be satisfied sexually or emotionally, my guess is that you will have difficulty being faithful in a monogamous relationship. If you can find one person, male or female, who meets all of your needs, and you meet all of theirs, then a relationship with that person could last.

I’m also bi, and find that one person, male or female, can meet all of my sexual and emotional needs. The hard part is finding the right person, where this completeness is mutual.

 

Frasier welcome to EC. You are in a great place to explore these questions. There are some wonderfully supportive folks here.

That is really a question to be answered by each individual. I recently came out to my Girlfriend of 4yrs. I was having the same questions. I needed to tell her so she was aware of my issues and give her a voice in the decision making. We are still in the process of deciding if we can give each other all that the other needs.

Probably not what you are were looking for. The simplest answer is yes it is possible. Is it possible for you? Well only you can answer that. You are here for a reason and I suspect it is because you are not sure yourself. I am sure you love your GF very much. I came out to my GF because I loved her, and didn't want to do something stupid and hurt her.

 

Well, let me start by saying that I have been happily with a woman, knowing that I have feelings for guys, for 27 years. Monogamously. Is that long-term? Is it life-long? Close enough for you? 'Cause although we have an incredible relationship that I would not sacrifice or violate for the sake of a roll in the hay, we have also, over the years, developed a *keen* sense of missing sexual contact with men.

IF you are bisexual (and quite possibly if you're not), then the premise of monogamy is a dangerous one. It doesn't matter whether you choose this woman, any woman, or any man. Especially as you get older, what you don't have will likely prey increasingly on your mind. Is it absolutely *destined* to fail? Of course not. Some people are well-suited to monogamy (or seem to be)...but statistics seem to indicate that *many* more (of any sexuality) have trouble with that long term of commitment.

Does your gf know you are bisexual and have this issue of desiring men as well? If not, I believe you owe it to the two of you to share this information with her before pursuing a commitment. The one thing that has made it tolerable for me to remain monogamous so long is that I have a partner with whom I can freely discuss my feelings, share fantasies, etc. If this was a dirty secret...there'd be no way.

BUT, there are also alternatives to a premise of monogamy. Our society teaches us that the only worthwhile relationships are monogamous. But in reality, there are fully (sexually) open relationships; there are relationships where your partner is the only opposite-sex person you have sex with, but you are open to any same-sex relationships; there are relationships that are the opposite of that (where your permanent partner is same-sex); there are relationships that are polyfidelitous (a group of people, who are sexually open within the group, but agree never to stray outside the group); ...there are a lot of friggin' options.

Many of them sound scary to me...some I've seen fail too many times to be comfortable with. The polyfidelity thing is appealing...but it's also different from what we've had for 27 years and has worked well...at least until more recent years. Perhaps others would sound attractive to you and your gf.

Anyway, whatever you choose, good luck. But if you are bisexual, then be aware of the realities of bisexuality, be honest with yourself, and *please* be honest with your partner.

 

Regardless of your proclivities, you would face pretty much the same problem.

This is more or less 'Can I be faithful to the one I am with?' question.

Seriously, Straight guys will wonder if another woman will come along to turn their heads, gay guys wonder if another man will come along. The thing you got going is if there will be another man or woman to turn your head.

 

I agree you should be honest with your partner, but I want to say that the ‘realities of bisexuality’ may be different for different people. When I’ve been strongly attracted to someone else (whether we were in a relationship or not), I’ve stopped being attracted to other people. I’ve never had sexual contact with someone of the same sex, and never missed it or felt like I need it. For me, it’s rather that, when I’m single and not attracted to someone, I can start becoming attracted to either. So, it depends on you.

 

Hard to put myself in your shoes since I'm not bi. My understanding is that few bi people have an equal attraction to both sexes and that most lean more toward one or the other. Awareness of which way you lean could give you your answer.

I'd say the one certainty is that you MUST put your cards on the table and tell her about your attraction to guys before you take the relationship any further. It's the only way she can make an informed decision about marrying you and the only way you can marry her with a clear conscience.

 

I agree with other posters that this is something only you can answer.
I can give you my take, from my perspective though. Take it with a grain of salt.
What struck me in your post was the wording "very strong feelings toward men." It was the "very strong" that struck me. I may be WAY off base here, but reading from the perspective of my own experience, it threw up a red flag, just that you may want to really explore what that means to you. Find out exactly how far that goes, how far back into your life male attraction goes, etc.
When I married 10 years ago, I identified as "bi", but thought it "wasn't a big deal" because I am a faithful person. Was completely blindsided to find myself 10 years later, not only attracted to, but in love with a woman and with the full knowledge (after looking back through my life, with a lot of honesty and introspection) that I am not bi, I'm gay.

Point being, you are here, at empty closets, that at least is a sign that you recognize a need to figure this out within yourself before taking that next step with your girlfriend. Whatever you find in your soul-searching it'll all be okay. Don't misunderstand, not saying your experience will be anything like mine, just saying it's worth exploring.

 

Hi Fraser916.

Welcome! This is a very difficult topic and there are as many opinions and bits of advice as there are posters.

In my opinion, if you are truly interested / attracted to guys then now is the time to explore that, not once you are further along with this relationship and carrying a whole lot more baggage. You may be gay or you may be bi, but I can promise you that these feelings you've got for guys "ain't going nowhere." In fact they are only going to get stronger the longer you deny them.

Speak to your gf about them, or if you can't, take a break from the relationship and see where these feelings take you, but please don't just try to suppress them. I am 37 now and i wish i had been honest with myself and my wife much earlier. We all have reasons not to come out, but the repercussions of continuing with these unexpressed feelings are only greater as we get older. I recently came out to my wife and am currently seeing a guy, and even though my wife is very accepting (as is my bf), most days i truly believe that this would all have been so much easier to navigate if i had "come clean" when i was younger, and before there were 3 precious children in the mix.

Wishing you all the best.

 

I too identify as Bi, although I now prefer the label "Fluid" if a label if really needed. I don't believe any of us are on a fixed point on the continuum throughout our lifetimes. It has also been my experience that no one person can meet all of our needs. It is just too unrealistic. It has also been my experience that our needs change and flux over time, circumstances, interest, experiences, culture all contribute to the fluidity of our needs, both physical and personal.

I have been out to my wife since we first starting dating over 30 years ago. I have only been out more universally for the past five years. When we first got married I too thought that being Bi I could simply choose and stick. For many reasons I chose to be in a committed relationship with a person of the opposite sex. I wanted to have children, family, etc. and at the time a hetero relationship was about the only way of achieving that. I thought for many years that I could simply stuff away my same sex attraction. I have learned the hard way that it isn't that simple.

When I reached my mid-forties I was in crisis. I suffered from sever depression, I had anger issues, and I hated myself. It took a lot of hard work and therapy before I realized that what was going on was I had been disavowing a huge part of who I am. I had allowed shame to permeate my life, and there was a huge part of whom I am that I had not allowed to be fulfilled.

My wife and I agreed to open our marriage. I have spent the past five years dating men. I have even had a couple of long-termish relationships. I have even had dual households. I have been out to my son during these past five years and I feel that as a result I have been a far better father to him. I have been able to model authenticity and vulnerability to him — gifts my own father never afforded me.

Now I am at a cross-road. My wife and I are in the process of redefining our relationship. We will always love each other and she and my son will always be my family, but our needs have changes at most likely all three of us will head off in different directions. Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. And everything is as it should be.

May I offer one piece of advice? Try not to spend so much energy on future narrative in your head that may or may not actually happen. Put your energy in being the most authentic self you can be. Be honest with your girlfriend, don't pretend to be something you are not. And hold your relationship with her lightly. There are no sure things in life other than the present moment.

Love and be loved.

 

As a truly bisexual woman, it is definitely possible to choose a partner and stick with that person without acting on being with a person of the opposite sex or same-sex. I think the odds of success are exactly the same for any heterosexual married straight couple. I don't think bisexuality increases odds of infidelity though it will like increase jealousies and trust issues with partners.

While I am currently having feelings towards someone else besides my partner, that someone else is also a woman just like my partner. I'm not more likely to cheat with the opposite sex or the same sex. I've been a faithful person my whole life and I'm struggling with wanting to cheat but I'm here to say it has absolutely nothing to do with "denying myself the other sex" whether it be the same sex or the opposite sex.

I sometimes miss male sex, I'm not going to lie but it hasn't been worth jeopardizing my relationship with my partner for sex. Now I find myself wanting another woman and I struggle with whether or not I should act on it. So here's a perfect example if a bisexual that hasn't been with a man since my gf for 9 years. It is very possible.

 

I COMPLETELY second bipossible's post above. It is the most eloquent description that describes my bisexual orientation that I have ever read! Thank you for that.

 

I agree with this, but I think it has a lot to do with the person and what it is that attracts them. For example, I’m mostly attracted to things like personality, faces, etc., so the mechanics of having sex and the sex of the person don’t matter so much to me. I’m a bit worried about anal (there’s only one person I think I’d do it with, if he wanted it), but that goes for either sex.

I’ve never had sex with a man, but the genitals (male or female) just aren’t so exciting for me. It’s making each other happy that’s important. If I think of the person I like right now, for example, it’s two things that turn me on so much. The first is seeing, hearing, touching, feeling, smelling and tasting him at the height of sexual pleasure, and knowing I’m doing it. The second is knowing that he knows he’s doing the same to me. It hasn’t happened with him, and I’m sad to think it probably never will, but it’s been the same for me with women I’ve fallen for.

 

yes i think so. if you love her and she loves you and that is enough for you, then yes, you will be happy. you will always wonder what it would be like with a guy but let's say you were 100% straight, you would also still be attracted to other women once married. doesn't mean you're going to go out an cheat on your wife to be with them, it just means, you have an attraction that you're not going to act on. same with being bisexual and being into guys too. the main question you need to ask yourself is...which do you want more. the guy or the woman? i always tell myself..."if there were two doors and behind door 1 was the perfect guy and behind door 2 was the perfect woman and if there were no issues, no condemnation, no consequences, which one would you pick to be with forever....the answer to that question will underscore what you really want.

 

No! You can repress and try to ignore it, but the mere fact that you are asking this question suggests to me that you and her are headed for trouble if you enter an exclusive relationship of marriage, because you already consider it to be different from loving a second woman, and thus giving yourself a sort of "pass" to feel this way. At the very least you need to come clean with her about your feelings and let HER make the choice to deal with them with you in the future, or choose someone who will be all in only with her. It might be different if you had not recognized your gay/bi tendencies before getting married, but to enter a marriage knowing for sure and not disclosing them, hoping that being married will somehow "turn you 100% straight", is asking for trouble of the kind I am very familiar with; you don't want to go there and take a wife and possibly kids with you.