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Struggling to see way ahead after coming out to wife

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Highlander2, Oct 19, 2013.

  1. GayDadStr8Marig

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    Highlander, you've been a beacon here for me from the beginning, so reading the pain you're going through breaks my heart. I'd say listen to your therapist right now. They've heard the deepest details you share with no one else. You're sounding like an emotional wreck and it's to be expected to have the urge to run to a safe place after being hurt. But often the places that seem safest are not healthy for us over the long term.

    I'm not saying you shouldn't go back to your wife, or that your relationship with her is unhealthy. I only mean that for your long term emotional health you need to give yourself time to heal from the loss of your relationship with your guy. I'm just not sure how much healing can go on if you're focused instead on rebuilding a life with your wife.

    Take care.
     
  2. marriedover50

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    Highlander,

    I have not yet come out to my wife because i ponder the questions you are asking all the time. I fear that the secure loneliness might be preferable to an insecure loneliness if I cannot find a guy to share life with once I come out. I am aware, however, of how hard it is for me to hold the desires for men sexually inside without giving voice to it.

    I am curious about that fact that you came out, separated, but your wife does not know about "him."

    Would her knowing about "him" make any difference to her? I guess I wonder about her motivations for supporting you and would they be the same if she knew about him.

    I hope you can get some clarity soon. Your therapist is your best source and guide at the moment I would guess.

    Josh :kiss: (*hug*)
     
  3. Highlander2

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    Thanks Guys. I've not seen him for over a week now. It's like what I imagine going cold turkey to be like. When I last saw him I felt quite relaxed about leaving him. I try not to think too much about the level of 'trash' he told me about how he felt, and I'm seeing that a lot of how he behaved was actually the stereotypical 'gay' things he used to criticise others for. Seeing him now, without the lust blinding me, he was almost the stereotype himself. That's really motivated me to NOT become like that. The cliched phrases and the whole 'that's the way it is in the gay world' approach just makes me think - the lifestyle you criticised so heavily, you're actually perpetuating it by living it yourself. What's the saying - be the change you want to see in the world?

    I'm a good looking guy - or so I'm getting told by people - but I've also got decent, core values and I'm not going to fall into the trap of becoming a stereotype just to 'fit in'. I've spent the last 30 years 'fitting in'. That's not happening any more.

    My wife knowing about him would be devastating. He triggered this and I couldn't do that to her, not after everything that we've been through. She wouldn't be supportive of me if she knew that I had feelings like that for a specific individual.

    It'll get better. I'm chatting to some really decent guys online who live locally. It's clean chat, humorous, and I'm meeting one who I seem to have clicked with for a drink this week. I've met a few guys for coffee or drinks and have kept in touch with a couple of them. All platonic just now - I'm not ready to get serious like that again with anyone.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    Maintaining your core values is really important Highlander. I'm afraid some gay guys do sacrifice their values and compromise a bit too much when dating and it usually backfires, leaving them quite wounded. Better to go with the right 'one', than anyone.

    Onwards and upwards :slight_smile:
     
  5. ScaredyKat

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    From an outsider looking in, it seems to me the best way forward would be for you to go "no contact" with the guy. To put it bluntly, he's made his choice and by still seeing you occasionally, he's getting the emotional care he wants from you, whilst also easing his guilt. You might feel like you can cope with this arrangement and that it's not harming anyone - but it's harming you. Cut off contact, be prepared for him to desperately want your attention for a while, but stick to it. This isn't being a drama queen or being immature, it's giving you time to get over a broken heart and more (broken promises, a new life etc). It's the only way you'll ever be able to think clearly and about yourself. And about your wife. Because I'm pretty sure she'll be hanging onto a faint hope that she'll get you back and it's not fair on either of you to make those decisions while you're grieving the loss of (different) relationships.

    Good luck - I think you'll come out of this stronger and happier long term.
     
  6. Highlander2

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    Thanks Linco and ScaredyKat. I think what did it for me was the fact that he used to warn me about other guys being nasty and that I was vulnerable after my split with my wife. I really trusted him. I work (loosely) with him so its impossible for me to avoid him completely.

    He told me that he still has feelings for me. There's a part of me that I know still could have feelings for him if I let it, BUT, there's also this massive part now that is kicking into protection mode that just says "no way!". That's the head part now telling the heart to get a grip. Part of me is quite happy that he still has feelings for me. I'm not saying I don't have for him, but I know that my qualities are genuine and that his track record in relationships is not great. He might think his latest 10-years-younger squeeze is the one for him, but on past performance that's not likely. I believe what he felt for me was genuine, but his desire to have 'fun' and be free to have fun was too much for him at the moment. That's fine. That'll wear off with his current one. If he still feels something for me just now, when the train crash of this relationship happens, it'll be interesting to see what he does. In the meantime, I'm going to look sharp, clean, amazing, like-I-don't-care and have moved on, and am over him. I don't need him and I think he needs to see that.

    It's a bit like letting him see what he's missed, what he's lost, and what he can't have now. The fact that I'll still see him at times though work will make it harder for him than it will for me, because right now (if I don't think about him too much) I have a feeling of ambivalence towards him. It's almost "I don't care".
     
    #166 Highlander2, Jun 10, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2014
  7. GayDadStr8Marig

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    Highlander I agree with Linco and ScardeyKat. Be true to your core values.

    It was quite interesting to be at my first pride fest this past weekend. I looked around and wondered just how many of the people who were dressed up as stereotypical gays (from effeminate to dom/sub leather and anything in between, plus the regular fashionista types and joe blokes like myself) if they really believed in the role they were portraying and taking part in, or if they had bought into it to fit in and be accepted.

    At first I felt like an outsider. Wearing regular dockers type shorts and plain black tee shirt one night and black jeans with a red polo the other. Almost assuredly the most conservative dressed person on the grounds even among the presumably straight attendees. But then I realized that it's not about looking like everyone else, it's about being comfortable in my own skin. If I change over time because I become comfortable with something different then that is my personal growth. If I change because my friends or boyfriend wants me to, then I've sold out part of myself in the process, in a sense rebuilding a closet to put away my core values.

    Be strong and grieve the loss of your relationship. Move forward with dignity and hope. If all else fails, come to Wisconsin rockin' that kilt and you're sure to get some attention. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 10th Jun 2014 at 01:14 PM ----------

    Didn't see your last reply before I posted so I'll just add that you're taking the right attitude with the end of this relationship. It really is his loss.
     
  8. Highlander2

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    Thanks - it means a lot to hear you say that :slight_smile: I totally get this. I am comfortable with who I am. Completely. He used to tell me to keep it to myself, that other people didn't need to know because they would just talk about me/it. He lives some half life of some knowing he's out, and others suspecting, and others not having a clue, but happy to portray different things to different people. I can't be bothered with it. I'm either in or I'm out. I haven't spent the last 30 years denying who I am and how I feel to keep on doing it but in a different way.

    Yeah, it really is his loss. I think he'll realise that in time. He used to get jealous when I met other guys, platonically, for coffee at his behest though. Not sure how he'll feel if I start dating someone. Not really bothered though if he finds out.
     
    #168 Highlander2, Jun 10, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2014
  9. compassionguy

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    Hello Highlander,

    Every word I type here makes me feel sickly and upset inside. I have been married for 36 years and I am gay. It's becoming so much stronger as I grow older. I thought it would subside with age but that's not the case. My wife and I are like soul mates and to do anything to hurt her just tears my heart apart. I long for sex with a guy and I guess I long more for that connection of love and contentment. As a teenager, I fell in love with several young guys but the peer , family and social pressure was just too great for me to come out. I thought that getting married and having kids would hide all of this and solve the urges. Now, here I am 36 years later with even stronger desires. I need help but I am unable to find the courage to really seek it. I feel like I have been a coward and I've done a very grave injustice to my wife. Several years ago I told her I had gay desires and we talked about it a lot for awhile but now it's just never mentioned. I feel helpless right now.

    I'm sorry. This is supposed to be about helping you but I can't get past my own circumstances. Maybe we can help each other. It's so good just to discover this site and know there are others going through similar situations.

    Please help me and any others here who would like to talk to me please do so. I am a very loving, gentle and compassionate person. I spend my time helping others but now I know I need help myself. Thank you and take care.
     
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  10. tscott

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    Highlander - its been awhile. From what I've read...and I haven't gone all the way back...you are well rid of this guy. The whole jealousy thing points to instability. You need some stability. Your ex-wife can't be that resource for you. It's unfair to you both, especially her. You've made tremendous strides and as I look back at your journey I get a perspective of what I'm going through now. For me everything is new again, from the weekly marketing to dating to paying the bills. The big question is there anyone out there for me. It's an issue that's rather common here. After 2 dates I found out this guys been in a long term relationship, he says open, I hem and haw, because sex about now would be real fine, but do I want to settle for being mashed potatoes when I know I'm someone else's steak?

    A buddy of mine just told me to stay out of the bars, I'll meet some one. You on the other hand have met someone, albeit, not the right one, but a test balloon. Forgive the expression, you've one under your belt. You've gained some confidence...it may not feel like it now...you've gain some knowledge...older and wiser kind of stuff...and you've gotten your feet wet in the dating pool.

    I really liked the point you made about not portraying yourself as other than who you are. That it has taken you "30 years" to to where you are. That's not to say you can't try something out of character if you want, but you are who you are and don't need to something on to attract someone. For me to put on camo an military gear would be no different than tucking and putting on drag - a costume for a costume. For someone else it's who and how they are.

    You'll survive and come out smelling like a rose...maybe not just yet.

    Love ya, man
     
  11. Highlander2

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    Thanks Tim. Yeah, I know I need to get over this guy. I got told today, innocently by someone, that he's off an a short sports trip for a weekend. This was something we had talked about doing together but never got round to organising. Evidently he's more keen to go away with his new 'friend' than he was with me, but it's that kind of thing that just makes my blood boil when I think about the crap he used to tell me. I know I need to just let go and get over this. I'm getting better at it :grin:

    I'm meeting a guy on Sunday for a drink. We've chatted online and he's really engaging and has a wicked sense of humour. We've chatted every night for the last four or five nights and we share common interests. I'll see how that goes.

    I get what you're saying about trying something our of character - that's going to happen, I know it will. I just need to be comfortable with it happening and with a person I'm comfortable with it happening with too. Yeah, I do feel more confident. I feel confident that I'm a decent person, good looking (so I'm told... :slight_smile: ), and that I'm not in this to mess around with people and their feelings so when I start talking to someone it's not with the intention of getting straight into their pants. If that happens in time, or we're both okay with that happening earlier, then I'm relaxed about that.

    Thanks for the support Tim, and everyone else. My life just now seems to be like some sort of soap opera... :grin:
     
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  12. GayDadStr8Marig

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    Well if you manage to land a hot soap star-looking guy that's all the better then eh? :lol:

    (*hug*) Hang in there! And best of luck with the Sunday prospect.
     
  13. Choirboy

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    Like sands through the hourglass...so are the Gays of Our Lives. Hope all goes well. Meeting someone online and getting to know them before you meet really isn't a bad thing. My former boss and his partner (and eventual husband, once the whole Wisconsin same-sex marriage lawsuits are ironed out) met in an AOL chatroom close to 20 years ago. Knew each other mighty well before they ever met in person. You're totally right, be who you are with no pretense to be anything else. You can't maintain that kind of facade--didn't we all try that with straight spouses for years? Good luck!
     
  14. Highlander2

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    So I met him last night. It's always that nervousness you get when you're waiting for him to arrive that gets to me. Is he going to look anything like his picture? How old were those pictures he posted/sent? Will I actually like him as a person? What's a polite length of time after which I can call it a day? And so on :slight_smile:

    So I arrived at the bar on time (a good start), got a drink and sat down. He arrived a few minutes later. First physical impressions were good. Bigger built than I'd thought he might be, tall (almost 6 feet), a nice smile, engaging warm handshake and another smile. We talked constantly, laughed about stuff and found common interests. But, he also managed to keep me on my toes with quick wit, and pulling my leg.

    Three and a half hours later the bar was closing round us, the only ones left, and we sort of felt obliged to let the bar man go home so we left. Out on the deserted street we chatted for a minute, said goodbye and expecting to get a handshake, instead got big arms wrapped around me pulling me in close. As we came apart, another smile, and then a kiss on the lips with a wink as he pulled away and walked down the street.

    I went home with a smile and again today some nice messages. I'm meeting him again. So unlike the last guy - no prima donna - but instinctively he seems genuine and down to earth. We'll see how it goes :slight_smile:
     
  15. ukguy

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    Pleased for ya!
     
  16. mav96213

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    Hope it works out, off to a good start...
     
  17. Highlander2

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    Thanks!

    So I went out last night with some friends for dinner. I'd had a couple of nice messages from the guy I met at the weekend. Quite cheeky ones but it's all in fun. I quite like them :wink:

    So we finished off dinner and drinks and it was still early and I'd said I was heading home to him on a message. I got one back asking if I had time for a drink with him. So met up at a nice bar sat outside and drank a few beers until late.

    Walking back to the point where we had to go our separate ways there was nice chat, a hug and then a long lingering kiss goodbye. On the pavement in a street in the city at midnight. A guy walked past us mid clinch with a massive grin on his face. It felt liberating!

    I need to be careful I know. That guy could just as easily have been some total psycho neither of us are under 6 feet and he's a bigger guy than me, but the deep public displays of affection might get us in trouble!

    On top of that I get a message from the other him asking me if I'm okay as he had to heard from me for days. Yeah I'm fantastic. Actually you getting in touch with me makes me NOT okay funnily enough!
     
  18. PatrickUK

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    Highlander - I'm so hoping this goes well for you. Keeping fingers crossed.
     
  19. Highlander2

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    So I met up with the guy I've been chatting to and have met him three times in the last week and a half. We met at the weekend and went hiking through some forest walks and some local landmarks before getting coffee in the countryside. We spent some time at my apartment. I'm finding myself being a bit reserved. I feel like an awkward teenager. He's a really nice guy - we have a lot in common and we just seem to get on. Do I feel the same burning fire of desire that I did with the other one? No, but when I think about him I smile and he makes me smile and laugh. I do worry that I'm on the rebound and I think that's stopping me. I don't want to have anyone experience what I've just gone through - the feeling of being used and someone not really caring about you and the impact of what they have done to you.

    He's a totally different build to the last one - big arms, tall, heavy set, and yeah, maybe carrying a few extra pounds, not openly vain or worried about his looks or hair (:wink:). But I am attracted to him; we ended up kissing, one of those moments were our faces just come close momentarily and it happens. It got a bit frantic at one point and I, oh, so, wanted it to go further but I'm stopping myself. I don't want to get into this kind of physical action too soon.

    The feeling of being held in those arms and the strength he had holding me and kissing me just made me weak but I managed to hold it together :grin: It was obvious that we both wanted it to go further, but I think that way just leads one way. I don't want to spoil what I think will be a good friendship and, if it develops into something more that's good.

    We ended up going out for dinner as well which was really good. Nice just to sit and talk and listen. A goodnight kiss on the way home and it was bedtime for me :slight_smile:

    Looking forward to seeing him again this week and just spending time doing nice stuff together :slight_smile:
     
  20. Highlander2

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    So another weeks gone by - seen the new man a few times now. We enjoy spending time with each other. He's got a strong, passionate side to him, but he's just really relaxed in his own skin. A couple of times we've been out and he just leant in to speak to me and afterwards just kissed my neck. The liberating feeling is incredible. I look at the previous guy in my life and the efforts he went to to avoid any display that might give the impression he was gay. I saw him the other day, and it was just awkward. I thought I was over him - and I feel that I am - but it's just really sad that everything has just disintegrated. It's like we're pretending to be okay around each other, but actually there's still a lot unsaid and probably will stay like that. Time will make it better I suppose. I hardly see him now or get a message from him which is fine. It means I can try and forget, and I generally do until I see him and it makes the hurt come back.

    Anyway, focus on the new guy in my life and just enjoy spending time with a nice, (apparently) genuine man and see where it goes.