What Are You Thinking?

Well that was a shit attempt at sleep.

 

I'm the guy who's always late... except today! I am 23 hours early. So here I am on EC again to kill time :/

 

Time to go to freaking sleep.

 

I'm thinking... that my post count is absolutely ridiculous.

 

Let's say you're sitting on a bench at a beach/park and two people decide to sit next right to you. Is it faux pas to not ask if they can sit or at least just say hi. I'm kinda feeling territorial and don't wanna get up and leave because I was here first. But it's really awkward. Our knees are almost touching.

 

Along with bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, the top of my list of favorite things is, undoubtably, making bread. Cute guys are also on this list. A few months ago I discovered an irresistible morsel of a man who checks two of these boxes (though he may wear mittens and own a copper kettle...) - James Morton.



His book Brilliant Bread is at the top of my wish list. Not just because he's so easy on the eyes. He, like me, is a passionate amateur who delights in the relaxing art of baking at home.

In addition to my infatuation and overwhelming literary lust, I'm also panged by a jab of jealousy. He's the same age as me. He has a worldwide bestselling book and is in med school full-time. It's funny how my inadequacy-induced anxiety can just pop up like that. :dry:

And, for the first time in ages, hopefully tonight will see me to be before 3AM.

 

Beyoncé's new album is so fuggin good I can't even deal <3

 

What a string of BCS Bowl games! I don't remember every game being so thrilling as this year's set has been. Quite fun.

 

It's been fun while it lasted. He's leaving in two days and with school coming up, it's going to feel like six months of total dark. I've spent pretty much every night since Christmas fighting back tears--knowing I'm getting one day closer without seeing him for a long time.

I feel weird that I've been holding a beanie I gave him close to me when he's in the shower or doing something; or just admiring him more than usual...holding him close and being "a creep" and smelling him when I hold him tight. I don't want to miss a thing anymore. No way.

It's going to be so hard going without seeing him and almost without hearing him most of the day because of our schedules. It's hard to be strong for two people when all you want to do is break down and cry in the shower. I already foresee how it's going to be. Restless and lonely nights on the couch, staring out into space or zoning out into endless marathons of stuff on Netflix while I do what I can to keep my head on right--trying not to eat my feelings like old times or losing my mind under my bed.

I don't know how I'll be. I hope I don't get bad again. He isn't just my partner. He's my best friend. I hope we both survive.

 

I may come out to one of my good friends as soon as we get back...
I just feel bad for not telling him earliar since we can be completely honest with each other

 

Oh yesssss electric blanket. The winter storm can rage as much as it wants. I'm just staying under here all weekend.

 

Ahhhhhh yeeeeaaaaahhh this panda hat has already been bringing me good luck this year!

 

Some guy was telling me all the positives of living in a city like Seattle: progressive, laid back, low crime rate, outdoors, good economy, lots of lesbians. At first, I thought, "What does lots of lesbians have to do with it?" before having to take a few steps back, before finally going, "Oh..."

I guess it's a good thing that I'm slowly becoming more distanced from that part of straight society and its followers?

 

Decided to sing in front of my friends on rock band...my pitch or whatever? Ozzy!

 

I don't know what the fuck my desk did. Those cuts from a couple nights ago are mostly healed, but they left behind pimple-like bumps on my skin where they happened.

Similar to a skin tag, but like, closer to a pimple. :S Wtf.

 

I'm thinking about how lonely I am, how I may never be able to conquer this loneliness, how I'm in love with my straight best friend who will never return the feelings yet I remained obsessed with him, how I have such low self esteem despite how blessed I am in many ways, how I will carry on til tomorrow, how disgustingly emo I sound right now, how easy it seems to get out of this hole yet I've been stuck for so long, how I will overcome the massive hangover I will have tomorrow...

 

I can't believe I just ended a friendship, possibly one of the best friendships I have ever had. It was inevitable. I just wish there was another way, but there is no point in pretending its something that its not. I don't blame him and I am not angry at him. He was like a brother to me.

 

See, this is why repairing my sleep pattern ahead of time never works. I have no willpower in the morning, so I just decide I'd rather wake up early the next day, and fall straight back to sleep.

 

Do you have your old avatar lying around on your computer? Can I have it? I want it!