My parents are avoiders, which is fine when I need my privacy but not so great when i need support from them. I came out to them a few months ago, it was a shock but they offered unconditional support. Since then, there was no dialogue and no mention of it, they never ask me about my personal life (not that they asked too often before I came out), and they are generally hard to talk to. Fastforward a couple months later and I'm actually dating someone, and I'd love to introduce her to them but I fear it's going to be incredibly awkward. There has been no dialogue so I have no way of gauging what their reaction will be. I'm not that close to them, so maybe I don't have to tell them. My brothers know about her and it's completely fine. Maybe I don't give my parents enough credit but I doubtthat any female partner of mine would ever be completely accepted as family, and it would only serve to make my relationship with my parents more awkward. What do I have to gain by introducing her? This has become stressful for me that I don't talk to her about it because she's close to her parents and I feel guilty for not being close to mine. Has anyone regretted introducing their significant other to their parents, or vice versa?
"My parents are avoiders" You are too You tell us your story and then instead of asking how to make the big problem better, you ask us completely different thing
Nick07, you got me! I didn't want to ask for advice directly because you don't know my parents; so here's some background. My folks are kindof a special case, they're much older and foreign-born and traditional but also a-religious and politically liberal. And they dont talk to me about personal stuff. So no matter what I think their reaction will be horribly uncomfortable. The way I picture the scene is that my girlfriend and I will come over for dinner and it'll be quiet and lots of talk about the weather. Part of me just doesn't want to tell them about her unless we get engaged or something. Is that horrible of me? Another part of me thinks that my mom would benefit from talking with her mom, because my mom doesn't know anyone in the situation of having a non-straight daughter. So maybe I should introduce her and work up to introducing our moms to each other so that they can talk openly about this?
My parents are avoiders too. Its not that they won't accept... they just won't accept. They think I'm actually straight, or that I'll just stick to boys, or that its a phase. When I end up with a girl, I definitely plan on introducing her to them just to shock them out of their comfort bubbles. Personally, I want to force the issue (or I think they'll just end up avoiding), but that's just me.
If that is the background, I think that their reaction is understandable and excpectable. Some people are uncomfortable talking about too private stuff. Respact that, introduce your partner and talk about weather. It's ok to not be comfortable discussing sex, and coming out to them and bringing your gf to their home, naturally brings up the theme of sex. I believe that for them some things are silently expected, but they will never be comfortable to discuss them OR let you know that they have been thinking about them.
Cerith23, maybe you're right, i should just bring her over and be like "Tada!! this is my sexytime partner!! Anywho what's for dinner?" I know I shouldn't be afraid of it. It's never gonna be easy; I should just pull the bandaid off. And yea we don't have to talk about private stuff, but they saw me at my most depressed and confused as I was coming out to myself and to friends, and never really asked me about it. They aren't even curious; they won't really ask questions. One time before I came out to my parents, my mom and i were talking and she said bisexuals don't exist; followed up by a comment about how two girls together is "ew"... yes their view are very outdated, and it's as if they don't really want to know otherwise. But part of me wonders what if they never get over it and it's always gross or weird to them and they never take it seriously? Perhaps I worry too much...
My mom is an avoider too. When I came out the first time, she didn't say anything...but by the second time of me coming out, she was really not wanting to accept the fact that I was attracted to girls. I had to come out the second time because I was dating my ex girlfriend at the time, and it was suggested that I tell her so it would finally sink in. Even now, she denies it, and so I officially gave up last year on continuing to remind her that I'm not straight. She thinks I'm in a phase, and has used every excuse to claim reasons why I have little to no interest in the opposite sex(not realizing I've been feeling this way since I was 13). But at least I got her to be less biphobic and more gender neutral when talking about relationships. It took me two years to get her to be more comfortable.
How soon do you want to introduce them? If you want to do it soon then yes, I'd just embrace the awkwardness and do it! But if you want to wait a little bit, you could try when its closer to the holidays... are there any things your family does for the holidays? maybe decorating or baking cookies or something? that way you could talk about the activity that you're doing instead of the weather. Now that I think about it, it wouldn't even have to be over the holidays, just anytime pick some sort of activity to fill the awkward silences... do your parents like bowling or something like that?
This reaction from parents is so frustrating, especially since you told her multiple times. I hope she comes around soon. I worry about this reaction from my parents, because it's as if the "i trust you to do what you need to do" phase of our relationship will be over, and they'll always see me as a child who doesn't really know what's best for me. Parents don't realize the struggle we've gone through to get to the point of being able to tell them.
I'm the same way lol; but I actually face issues half way when it comes to it unlike my parents who let it all fall to ****. I've called them out on it and will continue to do it, some people are just like that. Your family is your family regardless of who they are, if your parents can't accept that then they are effectively rejecting that part of your life and you might as well do the same until they choose to deal with their own internalized homo/trans/queer/etcphobia. Good luck (*hug*)
This thread is really helpful so thanks for starting it. I am just getting to the real acceptance of my own sexuality and even though I have come out (multiple times too!) to my mom she just avoids it so I realize its more for my own sake I mention (repeatedly!) that I am not into guys whenever the subject comes up. Usually in a lighthearted way... Like "well, since I am pretty sure I am not into guys". But the next step I imagine being so hard is what you are facing. I look forward to an actual relationship to confirm my attraction to girls and I guess I will just remember my parents never liked anyone I picked to date who was a guy and that never affected my relationship with that person...so hopefully I won't care. But part of me expects to finally have a real connection so maybe it will hurt if they don't accept her.
I totally identify with this. There's a difference between parents being lukewarm on the person's personality and them looking at the person and saying "well they can't POSSIBLY be serious about this..." especially when you like the person and it's taken a lot of guts for you to get to this point (and especially since you presumably actually like these ladies!). Hopefully your parents come around and take your experience seriously; although maybe once you bring a girl home they'll actually take this seriously and stop being in denial, and things will get better! My parents were never too keen on my exes, but I don't want them to not be keen on future relationships just because they happen to be women. I mean they are 100x better than any of the guys i dated! How can my parents possibly be disappointed with that outcome... (and yet they are)
