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My mom keeps going back and forth... Anyone else have this problem?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Dapper, Oct 1, 2013.

  1. Dapper

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    Let me start by saying I apologize for the super long post...
    My mom has never been super comfortable with who I am. I came out about liking my sex when I was 14 (I'm turning 17 next Friday) and she still has issues with that from time to time. But now a new issue has reared its ugly head (it was only a matter of time) and I don't quite know how to deal with it...
    My mom seems to take a step backward everytime two are taken forward, and while this is progress, it gets frustrating. I want to use what happened recently as my example, but first a bit of history.
    My hair is cut in a way where I have the sides shaved, the back is short, the top is a tiny bit longer (maybe two and a half or three inches) and I flip the front (as I have in my profile pic). I've had this haircut since mid-August and my mom didn't really have any huge qualms about it. She didn't enjoy it, but she didn't yell or get angry. A few days after my haircut she even bought me some guys' shirts for school, men's Adidas, and a jacket for guys. The shirts she wasn't HAPPY about getting for me, but she did it willingly without me begging or anything. I've been dressing a bit more to my liking since around summer and she'd complain every once in a while, but she accepted it when I said it's how I was happy. This all, of course, made me ecstatic; I felt as though she were starting to slowly accept me (although I have yet to come out about my gender identity). Here's where the trouble comes in.
    Last Friday my mom completely flipped out for no reason (it LITERALLY came out of nowhere...). She started yelling at me really ugly and kept saying "YOU'RE NOT A BOY, YOU'RE A GIRL," (I wanted to scream NO I'M NOT, but that would have landed me in even hotter water) "YOU BETTER NOT KEEP SHAVING YOUR HAIR, I HATE IT, IT'S SO UGLY," "WHY CAN'T YOU BE FEMININE? YOU'RE NOT YOUR BROTHER" "I BET IF YOU COULD YOU'D WEAR MEN'S COLOGNE," "WHAT'S MY FAMILY GOING TO THINK WHEN THEY COME FROM COSTA RICA?" "I'M ASHAMED OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU." (i knew this was her way of saying she's ashamed of me...) She kept going like this for about 15 minutes and even asked me if I'm transgender at one point.. I didn't know how to answer her, and I knew my confusing truth would just upset her more. I just feel so frustrated and caged in my own body. It's like my body is a prison cell and my mom and society as a whole are my prison guards... I don't know what kind of advice I'm asking for, I guess I just needed to let this out to people who I knew would understand me... Thank you to whoever bothers to read this. Y'all are awesome :slight_smile:
     
  2. Techno Kid

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    I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. :frowning2: *hugs*
     
  3. Oddish

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    I can relate. I came out to my parents a while ago (7 months), and my mother still holds a lot of grief and remorse towards me for transitioning. She's tried endless times to convince me that me being trans is a phase, and would angrily shout really grating and hurtful things towards me, trying to endlessly remind me that I was born female and I'm not like my brothers and never will be.

    Some days, she's seemingly okay. She uses the right pronouns and name, gives me compliments on my clothing and appearance, and asks me how I'm feeling. But that typically doesn't last very long until she completely flips on me again, showing disapproval and shame towards me. I feel so vulnerable around her, since she's unbearably degrading and hostile. It's affected my confidence and has made myself feel ashamed for being trans.

    It's really shitty, and I'd hate to make promises on how "it'll get better" and parents will come to terms with everything and learn to accept you, because it hasn't been like that for me so far. But I can only hope that things get better for you too. It takes an abundance of time and patience and sometimes it feels like it's not even worth it, but it will be eventually. Keep your head up, as terrible as it might be for your mom to react that way, and continue to be yourself.
     
  4. Dapper

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    Aw, man, I hope your mom stops flipping :/ it's so frustrating, but I refuse to go back to how I was. It'd kill me. Honestly, I'd rather be happy with myself and have her hate me than have her love me and hate myself... Until then, I'm compromising and growing out the shaved parts of my hair, and I'm just going to go back to my old hairstyle, a shaggy short cut that was pretty easy to manage with my sideburns shaved off. It's something, I guess :x
     
  5. gravechild

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    Yeah, just remember that it's going to take most people who know you a while to understand and get used to these changes, so try to be patient with them as you are with yourself. My parents have tried to be supportive up to a point, and the last thing I'd want to do is dump more on them, which means sometimes taking things a bit slower than I'd normally like.

    A part of me is positive that a bit of independence would do us all some good, but realistically, I'll probably be living at home for a while longer, biding my time. You have to learn how to cope in the mean time.

    Remember, they're going through the grieving process, too, over the loss of their "daughter". A lot of people can at least understand homosexuality, but when it comes to transgender issues, especially non-binary, it takes a bit more time and effort.
     
  6. Dapper

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    Sighh. I suppose :/ but I never really acted like a "daughter"..
     
  7. Silver Sparrow

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    Is there a reason or a pattern that could help explain her freakout? Any stressful events or triggers? She could just be scared for you and confused that the child she thought she would have is not the amazing child she has now.
     
  8. Dapper

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    No, there's no specific reason I can think of. It's like a switch in her head just flips and she gets these attacks of "I hate my kid." I mean, I get stared at a lot in public, but that's normal. No one has ever been dowright rude or anything. She's just... I don't know :/
     
  9. Kenny207

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    Hey there. I'm gay. I' just came out a little of 5 months ago...came out to my parents 4 months ago. My mom has behaving exactly the same. At times, she'll joke about it when I'm on the computer by saying " You're checking out guys again? hahaha". Times where she'd be like "You'd still gonna learn to cook if you wanna be with a guy." (with a smile) and then when I turn around, before I realize it, she's yelling at me for being gay and just literally begging me to "change" and try to convince me it's just a phase.

    What I think, is that they're just as confused as you are. Remember, since the day you were born, they've built these expectations around you...not just personality..academic...but also gender and sexual expectations of you. And when we come out...as gay, bi , trans or whatever, it's a shock and it's confusing them. Because to them, it came out of nowhere. I think they just need more time to readjust...I hope things go well for you!
     
  10. hof13

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    Bro,

    I totally get you. I'm 14 and came out to my parents about a year ago and the same stuff happens to me too. Hope it gets better for ya
     
  11. paris

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    I wouldn't say that your mother is necessarily ashamed of you. I think she's rather ashamed of what people, particularly your family from Costa Rica, would think of you=HER. Are they visiting soon? We are all dealing with the stress coming from others around us and she obviously cares much what others think of her. imo
     
  12. Episode

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    ^This. I couldn't agree more.

    Firstly, Dapper, I can empathise with the whole 'fence-sitting' thing that your mum does. When my mum found out I was gay through my emails to a counsellor, she immediately rejected the notion that I could possibly be gay. I was kinda put in a position where I wasn't entirely ready to tell her, but was outed anyway. So for my mum, it wasn't a process of acceptance, but rather an immediate denial over the weeks of rumination she had before she approached me.

    Sighh. I suppose :/ but I never really acted like a "daughter"..
    In a sense I can relate because I don't fulfil the gay stereotypes, so my mum kept thinking I was confused and could change.

    Going back to the first quote -- undeniably she cares about and is perhaps afraid of you being treated differently by others, but I feel like there's an underlying sense of what Paris said, the whole "what will people think of her" thing.

    For me personally, being an only child, my mum immediately equated me being gay with her having no grand children. Sometimes when she has those spontaneous bursts of emotion against my sexuality, I feel like she's being selfish with that regard.

    Dapper, just remember who you are. I think gay teens naturally have tougher skin, so don't worry! You'll pull through!
     
  13. Dapper

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    Perhaps :x . My family isn't visiting soon, but my mom has a tendency to jump on the future a lot :/

    ---------- Post added 18th Oct 2013 at 07:53 PM ----------

    Thank you for your kind words :slight_smile: it's comforting to know I'm not alone, but I hope your mom comes around soon!