Questioning sexuality & depression

I can almost visualize and feel this event as it is transpiring. I've not been through this myself, but have acquaintances who have or acquaintances who are in marriages where they are either repressing, or not repressing, their urges. I can only imagine the knotted feeling in the stomach and I hope that light you seek does shine through soon.

 

My heart goes out to you, bigeagle....My wife and I still have some of those moments, and things have not been great between us for many years (and me being gay is only a part of that situation). That anguish you are feeling is because you're both good people who care about each other and want each other to be happy. I have my moments of doubt too, where I feel like I set a boulder rolling down a hill and it's too late to stop it from crushing something in its path. But in the end, as someone on the board notes on his signature, it's "never too late to be what you might have been", and once you live through this, life will be different, but better, for both of you. It just really, really sucks when you're standing in the middle of it. Take care.

 

The only thing I can offer you is hope. I have been through the separation, it is not insurmountable, painful definitely. Often doing the right thing has an element of tragedy. Seek us out, keep posting, we're here to support you as best we can. Get help also in your own life, you do not need to go through this alone.

 

I came out to my husband in April and shortly after he was sad and told me he lost his future. I think that's a common feeling for straight spouses. It was hard for us to talk to each other in the beginning too. When we would try it often felt awkward. He's done a lot of research online and he told me that when a spouse comes out of the closet that sends the straight spouse into the closet. And most of us know what that feels like. In the beginning he had no one to talk to. I told him he could tell his best friend but he didn't want to.

We both realized that our marriage, in the traditional sense, was over. But we were friends before we got married and we both feel strongly that our friendship is important. So we no longer view ourselves as husband and wife but as friends. This shift in our point of view has helped our relationship. Another thing that has helped is therapy. I've been in therapy for nearly a year and my husband just started going. We are seeing the same therapist. I initially thought this might be awkward but it isn't. We often talk about our sessions with each other and this is helping us move forward. It helps both of us to have someone who is objective to talk to. We don't know if we will stay married but we are considering all our options. Whatever the outcome we both want to keep our friendship.

Communication is key. It's hard in the beginning but it is possible if both of you are willing. And it does get easier. (*hug*)

 

Big Eagle: Be patient; this is a lot newer for her than for you. Let her know she is in a safe place and you will continue to support her and your child as she works her way through the situation and decides what she needs to do.

 

From someone who has been chronically depressed and seems to have an unfortunate aversion to happiness, I will say it is good you are on medication (I am assuming an antidepressant based on your post above). However, you might also benefit from an anti-anxiety medication as well, particularly if your depression is associated with anxiety (especially with all the change in your life). Also, talking to a counselor about all my secrets was helpful...unresolved and suppressed feelings are a true downer.

 

I've suffered from depression all my life.

 

I don't know how anyone can live in the closet for any length of time and NOT be depressed. Think about all that shame and repression and denial. Of course we all deal with depression!

 

Well said, Femmeme! So true!

 

It's not a stupid question at all! We all need to know we aren't alone. (*hug*)

 

The thing that's depressing is how many additional people it can isolate one from, and meeting others in the same space is less likely, unless it's almost a stoke of luck that we meet them just going about our lives.

 

sometime I feel like I am gonna have mental meltdown on my wife !

 

Yes, I grew up in a family that made me feel inferior and too "different." Schools did not help much either with the bullying.

 

Let's be clear, though, the being gay does not CAUSE depression. But the way some people (and sadly, often the ones we are closest to) REACT to the fact that we are gay can definitely cause depression. Or the fears and worries that we dump on ourselves. Which is why it's so important to have a network of supportive people, even if they are "only" user names and avatars. We're still all real people here, after all, who have our own battle scars, and can be as caring and supportive as someone you can see standing next to you....

 

Right, the depression is about marginalization from friends, acquaintances, and coworkers, along with a smaller pool of people to pick from to put in your life, and possible impasses or glass ceilings in life. However, if this wasn't the case, depression would still be around, mostly from overwhelming experiences in life.