Until I realised I was gay, all things sexual didn't concern me too much. I wasn't interested in dating guys. However, my same sex attraction gently grew with in over the last 5 years or so. This was extremely pleasant. It was letting go of being straight that was the problem. So here is the problem. I have always been a respectable person. However I realised I have little desire for an actual same sex relationship, and actually enjoy the sex with a person of my gender. I went to a gay friendly church and hated the fact they affirmed my sexuality. I thought they were ridiculous. I find being a lesbian, less enjoyable around people who accept my sexuality. Gay sex, for me is more enjoyable on the down low. In my Bible study group the minister complained about swing of people engaging in adultery one week. He would have had a stroke if I explained what I get up to. (I have a partner who is like minded - that is we understand each others needs, and after some practice we are very good at satisfying each others needs - I was doing this before I admitted I was gay). My homosexual needs are currently my guilty little secret. I feel being around accepting people spoils the fun. I think I am a pervert, my honest thinking is that I will spend years getting myself into torrid same sex affairs and then very dramatically get outed Ted Haggard Style. I won't be able to hide it forever, but I am going to keep homosexuality a secret, for the sole purpose I can enjoy it in the way I want
Sounds to me like the sweetness of transgression...sexual encounters that would have no capacity to turn you on unless you were surrounded in your locality by an oppressive environment. I get it, I've been in that situation myself; a certain excitement that comes with the danger of being found out. I think this is just the way you are wired for sex...but after a while this gets old, no? After a while, it may take more to turn you on. Fantasies and hidden pleasures, in order to be pleasures must break some rules, but once you've done that, does breaking them again have the same effect? Your same-sex attraction is definitely satisfied, but a long-term relationship is something else entirely...I get that too!
Oddly, I think I am developing a relationship with my partner. (Which I am a little scared). Our capacity to learn from each other in the bedroom (more like beach, train, bathroom)...has meant we are trusting each other in our parts.
It's OK to be scared, that's called vulnerability, and nothing happens without vulnerability. You seem to have found someone... interesting...eventually you might find yourselves trying things that go beyond sex...it might just happen. :icon_wink
There's a lot here. One night I was driving and listening to Dr. Drew on the radio. Remember when he was paired up with Adam Carolla? I don't remember when their show ended. (Sometimes, I wish Adam would have shut up because Dr. Drew had some profound things to say and Adam clowned around too much). He took a call much like your situation and said something 'some people get a rush from being bad.' Can I infer that your upbringing was strict and religious, or that you had to be a pillar of sorts? I think that, after such a burden, some people can cut loose with a vengeance and the physical aspect matters more than the emotional. I'm concerned that you say "I think I am a pervert." If you feel there is a problem, then I think that there might be a problem indeed. It doesn't mean you are a pervert at all, but are using this medium, either to rebel or to meet unresolved needs. Rather than gauge this by the Bible and your religious associations, perhaps supportive and non-judgmental therapy might be helpful. I'm sure this is a niche area, and you should be talking to someone who is understanding and versed in this area. Have you considered this? The concept of "on the d.l." has been exposed by the media and people are more aware of it. I don't know what it all means, since it means different things to different people. However, it's not that easy to ignore it any more.
Interestingly enough, that was the only way I ever enjoyed hetero-sex. Unfortunately, my husband was too straight-laced to continue indulging that need once we moved in together, so I stopped enjoying it all together. I don't call my turn-ons perversions. Yeah, maybe some people might think they're kinks, but how does one person's kinks necessarily differ from another person's hot buttons? So Solaris, you like a little risk of exposure, someone else likes phone sex. Why is one a perversion and the other a turn-on?
I think I do enjoy being bad. I do have a strict religious background. I think being gay has affected my beliefs in a way contrary to Christian beliefs. For example, men are meant to be the leaders and women are meant to be gentle and quiet. All the women go along this this. I am thinking my sexuality means I challenge this. My sexuality means that I am challenging normal Christian sexual standards as well in terms of no sex before marriage, I feel this is no longer important. As far as being a lesbian. This was not something born within me, but rather then something that grew in me. I think I was born with the seeds. Those seeds were stimulated, and fertilised bu the circumstances of my life and eventually blossomed into maturity, in contrary to any hetero seeds which remain only seeds. During this journey I was suprised by the sexual feelings and therefore I was wondering why have I become so peverted. My feelings had already made me engage in same sex intercourse before I admitted it to myself. I am not ashamed of being a lesbian, but I am not really proud of it. I dont want people thinking about what i do in bed or why i want to do it with a women and amongst my family and friends I would be the first gay person and I know they will be thinking that.
This was kind of a sweet trap for me. I felt I was above all the tedious and common "coming to terms" business, that was for others, I was some kind of exception and so I could compartmentalize my sexual part from the rest of me. That works if it's only sex. It doesn't work if something more is desired...and eventually, you find someone with whom you can envision something more. Once a relationship develops, the public, friends and family, like it or not, are on a need to know basis, it's just too complicated otherwise. So you're the first, so yes, people will talk about it...for a week or so, maybe a little longer for some, but then it subsides and people return to their busy, urgent lives...sooner than you could have thought possible.
I think the longer we are in the closet/denial or whatever you want to call it, the better we get at shutting others out. It made me more numb to "normal" sex and really really closed up in a relationship. I've found opening up very very hard - I guess you need time (sorry if that sounds trite, i'ts not meant to). I don't know if you think you are a pervert because you are gay, or because of where/how you like sex, but either way thats kind of concerning. Self-hate is another favourite of being in the closet
Yeah, I know My Dad is moving interstate so I will wait until after he leaves. People at church won't mind if I say I am celibate and really hate being gay. (I am not celibate and realising that I was gay is one of the most sweetest experience of my life). Other friends will think that they are now trendy, because they will have a gay friend (damn hipsters). ---------- Post added 12th Sep 2013 at 11:46 PM ---------- I went to a psychologist and she said I should expand my circle of friends. I am going to a gay friendly church this week, that is a church that has a substantial proportation of gay members. She said ensure that I do identify myself as gay. It will be the first time I am publicly proclaiming my homosexual identity. If I develop friends who from the outset know that I am gay, and can support me through the eventual coming out process it would be better then trying to come out on your own. Apart from my partner I don't know anybody else who is gay. She is also in the closet
This made me chuckle a bit, because when my wife and I first got together, she was still married to her nasty drunken ex, and the excitement of our illicit encounters while he was at his second-shift job were enough to make me believe that I really WAS straight after all, because how could I enjoy it with her so much if I wasn't? But it was really the situation and the potential danger than turned me on (well, that and the fact that I was almost 30 years old and had never actually had sex with ANYONE up until that point).
