Lost and Found - Conflicting feelings after coming out

Wow, this is so much how I felt, and very much how many of us have felt when we finally realized, in later years, who we are.

It colours everything we see and do, doesn't it? I don't know why...sexuality is but a part of us, not the whole, but its power is difficult to ignore.

I suppose it comes from having bravely chosen this path, the one that was always there, at that fork in the road just behind us, and realizing for the first time all the implications downstream; and looking back at all the forks in the road still further back whose paths we should have taken, if we were honest with ourselves, but didn't.

I know what you mean: I may appear the same, but it was nothing less than a revolution behind the veil, like nothing I have experienced before, or since.

 

I totally understand where you're coming from. It's almost like, because you have suppressed this one aspect of yourself and for so long, that you have loss another aspect of yourself in the midst of it all. And you never realize what you are truly capable of until you discover this other part of yourself. It could be the new found courage/strength, which may have helped you come out.

However, once you do come out, you find yourself suddenly afraid to show the real you to people. Even friends and family, the people you are close to, but it does get easier with time. I'd catch myself day dreaming, like, did I really just tell my family about this awesome girl I'm dating. It doesn't even seem real sometimes, because I cannot believe how much progress I've made since I first came out.

I was lost and confused for the longest time, but once I became comfortable with I am, I felt reborn. I felt like nothing could get in my way of being who I was meant to be. And so for you, I think it is going to take time to become more confident/comfortable in your new skin. Yes, you are still the same person, but it is overwhelming as hell.

So, just take your time and try to socialize with more gay women/men. It helped me tons by reaching out to others who have been in my shoes once upon a time. Gosh, I totally rambled...anyway, I hope I've helped some.

 

I really identify with this too I have felt really lost the last couple of months. In the past year a lot has happened to me that isn't related to being gay (dad died, mum with alzhiemers), but somehow I have kept going with dealing with that, getting divorced (hopefully he is finally moving out next week), trying to maintain something with the kids, as well as coming out.

Now I'm looking back and wondering where and who I am? So much has changed. There's bits of me that are more alive than they have ever been, I feel complete (rather than fractured) as a person....and yet, sometimes I just feel lost and overwhelmed and wonder who I am. Some people who look at me differently now, and are awkward talking to me. So many good and bad coming out conversations. Still some places you have to be careful not to let it out (not to the kids friends parents for now! Can't cope with the Mums/Moms stares in the playground). Thinking - I am the same person, only somehow moreso, and yet losing who that is.

That probably makes only a small amount of sense. I just feel conflicted sometimes, even though my life is infinitely better.

 

If you consider the distinct possibility that we are primarily defined by our relationships; that "who we are" is very much a function of who we love and interact with, then, of course, the "you" that you were will be lost.

Consider that you are now in a kind of new country, whose mores and language you need to learn, whose people you have to meet, whose rules you need to abide by...no wonder you feel lost!

 

I think that just on an "operational" level, out brains have a very hard time suppressing only ONE aspect of our personalities. If you are holding in the fact that you're gay, there are probably many, many other things that are being held back as well that you're not even aware of. Since I came out to myself, I've been struck by the number of new attitudes, gestures, turns of phrases etc. that have begun using. And then when I think about them, I realize that they're not new at all--I'm just not holding back anymore. My coming out coincided with a significant weight loss, and a gay co-worker kept telling me how proud he was of the changes he saw in me. I assumed he was talking about the weight, but when I eventually came out to him, it was clear that he had figured it out some time ago, and the pride he had expressed had as much (if not more) to do with coming to terms with myself as it did with losing weight.

I find myself feeling things that I have not felt in years, and I am approaching life with more confidence and fewer anxieties than I ever had, because there is no longer the urge to hide anything, even from people I HAVEN'T come out to yet. I seem able to express opinions and emotions more openly, and even people who don't know keep telling me how much younger and more enthusiastic I am. They assume it's the weight, but they don't know about the OTHER weight that's gone now.

 

I know exactly what you mean! As if my new-found integrity about myself has killed the people-pleaser in me, and I am freer to express what I think and feel. And what a wonderful way to put it: the weight, the burden that's finally done with.

 

I've gone from:

I'm gay. (oh gawd, really?? I said that? who can/should I tell? yikes. are they looking at me funny and talking about me?)
I'm really gay (and its OK - but how the heck do I do this? how do I navigate this? what are they saying about me?)
I'm gay, I'm out (and I'm dating - wow)
I'm gay, I'm out (and I'm dating multiple guys <smirk>)
I'm totally out. I'm a different person, and yes, I'm gay and I date men.

I've really connected with folks in the support groups I've gone to and the LGBT community. I have friends (gay/lesbian) whom I can call, drop by, meet for lunch, go to the beach with, go to a gay bar with.

Some days, I still feel vulnerable and fragile.

Takes time. Give yourself a hug.

 

Hi Pete,

I'm starting to notice this pattern in my own life right now. I now have five gay guy friends whom I greet with a kiss; we socialize, sometimes we do more...I'm discovering just how unstructured these things can be and how necessary it is to build that network of gay friends. Just last night I went for dinner at one of these friend's houses, nothing more happened, but it was nice being with him to share our present moments together.

 

I came out to myself about two months ago. I feel like a new person but I also feel like a part of me has died. Since coming out to myself I feel more confident and I'm taking risks that I've never taken before. It feels surreal.

 

I think I understand what you mean. Coming out is something permanent and with doing so you are forever letting go of the person people saw you as and you saw yourself as at one time. At the same time you're gaining a more authentic sense of who you are and that is exciting and awesome. I get the conflict. I've had similar feelings.

 

I agree with so many of the replies to your post and much resonates with how I have been feeling over the 2 years since I came out to everyone. I have heard it said that the feeling you are describing can be likened to grief - grief for our old selves.
I also think that many people actually get very attached to 'their demon' and although they might seem to be bad parts of us - after so many years of struggling with them we get a strange "pleasurable melancholy" associated with them. When we slay those demons - suddenly a huge part of how we have defined ourselves (even if a negative part) is gone. That can leave us feeling empty, lost and confused. I think it IS worth going through all this though. Empty=free. Lost = new. Confused = options. Onwards and upwards!

 

How wonderfully put, OP and all! I am commenting in order to follow.