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Moving from straight to gay relationships - arghh scary!!!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Purplefrog, Sep 5, 2013.

  1. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    As I've posted elsewhere, I've always gone for effeminate men (which part of me thinks may have been a substitute for women). Now I'm beginning to be more fully aware of attraction to women, there is part of me that just wants a relationship and to be happy.

    I want the physical side, but I also just want someone to snuggle up to on the sofa, or to do mundane things like cook a meal together. My heterosexist upbringing has always taught me that should be with a man.

    So it's like, ok, you've acknowledged now you like women. But wait, you actually want to be in a relationship with one? I was seeing one woman for a week, who I was very attracted to and had great chemistry with, but then part of me just panicked as it all got too real. I realised I couldn't handle being in a relationship yet, as it would mean being more 'out' than I was. I think I also realised that although she is a lovely person, there were a number of ways which we were ultimately going to be incompatible long term.
     
    #1 Purplefrog, Sep 5, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2013
  2. Tightrope

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    It could very well be. Also, there are varying degrees of what might be "less than" masculine - from being effeminate across the board to maybe missing a few of the typical interests and lack of reflectiveness associated with being a neanderthal of a guy.

    I know a woman whose choice for male companionship is like this and, because she went through childhood trauma, she is very comfortable around men who are gay/bi, married and not available to nor interested in her, in poor health, or in some type of recovery. She is attractive and, deep down, what I perceive to be a very nice person. All of these things are indicative that she is not comfortable with committing. I cannot even begin to guess what her sexuality is - it could be any of the BIG THREE.

    Your heart will eventually lead you where you need to be, if you value the affectional component, and it sounds like you do. May I ask what you think your objection to a more gender "traditional" heterosexual male is, or was? I find this interesting because, with the passage of time, media, and social media, some women are extremely aware, and almost even suspicious, of a guy who doesn't register at least a 97% on the maleness criteria and walk away. BTDT.

    But, if you were reeling in effeminate men, and not really sexually and emotionally interested in them, it's probably a sign of sorts that your M.O. needs to change.
     
  3. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    Thoughtful response, tightrope. I suspect there is some degree of commitment-phobia underlying for me as well. (Overbearing, strict parents).

    I hate the idea of being 'owned' by anyone, or having to be subservient to a man and running after him, looking after him. This doesn't bother me as much with women or less traditional males, as it is more equal.

    However, masculine men have never done it for me. Muscles, working out, 'slick' greasy vain men yuck yuck. I remember at boarding school aged 16-18 the girls having posters up of Johnny Depp and Peter Andre, Leonardo DeCaprio (although I loved the scene aged 14 of Rose on Titanic having her portrait) etc, and I just didn't get it. I knew a guy was supposedly attractive, but it didn't do anything for me. I have never primarily been attracted to a man based on looks, as it always the intellectual/emotional connection first. Once that's in place, then I can allow myself to feel sexually attracted, and have enjoyed it and been turned. I have been attracted to their souls, rather than thinking 'wow, they have such a sexy body'. They are sexy because who they are. But it does mean the vast majority of men I'm simply not interested in, because they aren't feminine enough for me.

    Women, on the other hand... well I guess again I am attracted to those I have an intellectual/emotional connection with... but as I'm realising now, the physical element, in terms of aesthetics does play a bigger role. I always thought with men, it was because I wasn't shallow. But with women, it's a whole different story. Plus, there's a stronger, faster, more immediate sexual response, rather than one which generally requires me to 'warm' up a bit more. With women I'm attracted to, there's more of visceral, faster gut reaction of 'I have to do you!'.
     
  4. Dia

    Dia
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    I soooo understand you!!!
    Especially the I-don't-find-a-sexy-guy-sexy-part. I mean I can't understand it at all. It's the moments that I've shared with them and how they treat me that makes me fall for them. I guess you and I share a very particular taste in men (or that's what I say to myself at least).
    But when it comes to girls I can totally see their sexiness!!!! However it's still the emotional connection that you mentioned above..... I really don't get it.
    But I am so glad I found out there are other people like me out there! :slight_smile:
     
  5. sigillumdiaboli

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    Omg, I think you're my twin! :eek: Everything you've said is basically what I've felt over the years - the dislike of macho-guys; the preference of effeminate guys; the feeling of potentially being smothered in a relationship i.e. commitment-phobia...

    Amazing!
     
  6. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    So, just out of interest, why would you label yourself lesbian rather than bi? I sort of want to call myself a lesbian, but neither do I want to deny the love I have had towards men in the last, nor close off the possibility of meeting a man in the future, although currently only thinking about dating women. I ask this, as there was one lesbian I knew who had previously been with men (by coincidence we had both at different points been involved with the same effeminate straight musician), and she swore blind about 5 years ago she would never go near men again as she really was a lesbian. But then a month ago she went and got married to a rather effeminate man...
     
  7. sigillumdiaboli

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    Because I've never had any relationship or even dated men in the past ever. I've kissed one once, but that was only a brief peck on the lips - which didn't do anything for me. I do want to close off the possibility of meeting a man in a future - I've realised they actually don't do anything for me emotionally/nor physically. All my male crushes in the past have just been celebrity fantasies. But is it heard of that lesbians can go back to men, or towards men - even though they've sworn otherwise. Kinda just makes a stronger argument for the fluidity of women's sexuality.
     
  8. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    Yes, from just anecdotal experience, women's sexuality (in very general terms) does seem to be more fluid than men's. That's not too say some men aren't sexually fluid, and some women aren't one way or another. When I first met the woman I was seeing, she was very open about female sexuality, saying it was fluid etc, but then she started to ask me, so what do you think you are? Bi or Lesbian? I really don't want to sit in either of those 'camps' to be honest. I've had this quite a bit actually, from both straight and gay sides, wanting me to be one or the other, and not some indefineable point in the middle. To be honest, I've had more acceptance about the ambiguity of my sexuality from straight people, than gay people.

    The points between 0 and 6 on the Kinsey scale are so diverse. There seems to be, from my experience at least, the unspoken belief that anywhere between these doesn't have as much validity as being at polar ends of the scale. Right now, if I was pushed, I would say I was 3.5 on scale. But that again is a label. All I can honestly say right now is that, yes, I do have the capacity to love a man, but that I have a greater, largely unexplored, more passionate capacity, to love a woman. And yes, being with a woman confirmed to me that it wasn't all in my head, and that it unlocks more things with a woman than with a man.

    ---------- Post added 6th Sep 2013 at 10:38 PM ----------

    Back to the original point of the thread... I'm just finding it quite a transition moving from being interested in women, exploring porn for lesbians, I.e. from a rather removed position, to putting this into a reality. When I allow myself to 'feel' attraction towards a woman in real life I find it almost unbearably overwhelming. Feeling that attraction consciously, which I have allowed myself to do recently, has been almost intoxicating. Allowing myself to look into another woman's eyes is actually quite uncomfortable as it sparks off some very deeply hidden feelings of attraction towards the same sex. I find it all very foreign and new.