Hi everyone, I don't know if I'm even ready to say this yet, but I'm just gonna go and keep on writing, so it's out of my system. I am an 18 year old girl and I have been ill for two years. I am about to start going to school, but at first it is still going to be for one or two hours a day. My problem is, that I have been thinking about girls the last few months, but I haven't been around many, because I have been at home for so long. Everything is still so blurry in my mind. First there is this thought, then this, oh yeah, this was there too. And I just can't seem to get it all neatly lined up up there. Hopefully this will make it all a little bit clearer. (after much editing, I managed to line up these clues) Clue 1. My whole life, almost every night, when I lay in bed, I start to fantasise about anything really. But mostly about by future. Normally I would meet a handsome boy and we would do all these fun things. But something was always there in my mind, blocking it, giving me this weird feeling in my stomach. Now I have started to fantasise about me meeting a girl and when I do and thus admit to myself that I am a lesbian, it feels like I've been wearing this suit made of bricks and I can finally take it off and breathe again. Clue 2. I remember when I was little, since I was 4 years old or something, that I would go shopping with my mom and when she was busy looking at clothing, I would look around me at all the beauthiful women and I would feel like hugging them. Clue 3. When I was 13 years old, I remember sitting on my bed and thinking to myself 'when I'm older, I will remember this moment and I will say to myself: when I was 13 years old, I found out I was a lesbian' But not much later, I rejected that thought, putting it away in a secret drawer in my head. Clue 4. When I would look at boys, I always did it, because I felt like it was expected of me. It was always followd by the thought 'oh, that is a boy, I could find him attractive, right?' But not so litteraly of course. I just never had the guts to look at any girls because I was not a lesbian. Clue 5. Everytime someone asks me 'do you have a boyfriend?', my mind gets for a small moment confused 'boyfriend? Oh, yeah. I'm not a lesbian.' Clue 6. When I watch a movie or television or whatever, I am always mostly focused on the women in it. My favorite movie stars are all women. A few months ago, I finally let myself be a little more open minded, getting me to stop lying to myself (because I had lied to myself a few times before and I know that I was good at it) I didn't know exactly (or didn't want to know) what would show up. But sooner than I expected, this showed up. But this time it was different, because I had learned that it is so much nicer to be just who you are instead of being the person others want you to be or the person you want to be. So this time I thought I could really explore things without me being the old me and that it would go oh so smoothly from here on. But that was not the case. I sort of know now that I actually am a lesbian. But even though there is enough 'evidence' (more than the clues above), I still can't fully admit it to myself. I have tried it a few times, but I always took it back. I am not sure what makes me take it back. I am 100% sure that my parents wouldn't mind at all and they are the only ones whose opinion matters to me. So that can't be it. (side note: I feel like people in my family already suspect that I am lesbian, or maybe that is just because I do) I do sometimes wonder if I really am a lesbian or that it is something because I have lost my older sister before I could remember it and that I am looking for someone to sort of replace her? But that doesn't change the fact that I feel this repulsive feeling in my throat when I think about kissing a boy, and the oposite when I think about kissing a girl. Maybe it is because I don't know anyone who is openly gay, except one of my teachers at school. Maybe I hate being the outsider again. Or is it the (unrealistic) fear that I am the only one who is a lesbian and that I will never ever find true love. That I would rather live my life in a lie and be loved by a boy, than live a loveless life, but being perhaps my true self? Maybe that is it. Or maybe because I am scared to let myself be a lesbian, because I am afraid I might eventually like boys anyway and I am scared that I can't go back. I have never really felt any attraction for boys. I have had 'boyfriends' but I broke up with the last one when I was 11 years old :icon_wink I have only started thinking about real girls at the beginning of this year. I met someone who I was really attracted to. I didn't know her at all, but I was this close (in my head) to admitting to her that I was attracted to her, because I would soon leave and probably never see her again. But in the end, I didn't, first of all because she had a boyfriend and second of all, I was a chicken. But we did exchange numbers and we are friends now and I have stopped looking at her in some kind of sexual way, not entirely on purpose. After that I started looking back at my life, seeing if I have missed something and I stumbled upon 3 more girls who I have been attracted to. Man, I am sweating my ass off here, it is hard to tell the truth. Even to complete strangers. But then again, it's sort of the first time I am being completely honest about this to myself. So, this part of me who says that I am a lesbian is gradually getting bigger and bigger. But that is mostly only when I am alone with my thoughts. Like, at night when you can't sleep, so you can only make it harder to get to sleep. I think what is making it so difficult to fully admit it to myself is that I am not living my real life at the moment. I am still at the starting point of getting it back, by going a few hours to school and making exams and stuff. So I can't test it out in real life yet. And I think what frustrates me the most is that I want to yell it out loud. But I can't. Not when I can't do it with a 100% certainty. In my fantasies I am mostly lesbian, but as the real me, I am not ready yet. I have been thinking about telling someone, but I don't know how. I am too much of a coward to do it. I don't know where to start and I am afraid what he or she will say and I don't really want to say it until I am sure of it. But on the other hand, they could be able to help me figure it out. I think I'm gonna wait for just a little while longer, because I don't really want to say it to someones face yet. Pfft, this has already given me a lot of insights. Thank you, if you are still reading this. I hope you can give me some advice or share your thought? It would really mean a lot. Ok, I'm going to click on submit now, thank you so much.
I have been through this can understand what you are going through I kinda thought I was a lesbian at 13 but like you just shoved it away in my head and ignored it but the last few years I would say two have been thinking about other women and now I have accepted I'm a lesbian and I'm out to 3 people good luck xxx
I think you will fell better once you tell someone. Make sure it's someone who will be supportive. Are you at all close to that teacher at school? Maybe you could tell her. If not try to make friends with someone who is openly supportive of gay rights. That way you'll know they will accept you. Another option is telling a therapist. I don't know where you are but in the US most public schools have counseling services for students. And it's confidential. I first told a friend when I was 14 and I felt so much better after. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
It sounds like you've come so far! Sometimes people help themselves more than the people who are trying to help them can, just by sounding out the problem. If you're still not 100% sure you're a lesbian, you could think about whether it's uncertainty or fear of what other people will think that's stopping you. This person that you want to tell- are you close? You don't have to be sure of yourself to tell them. Just say that you're questioning, and going through a rough patch trying to figure stuff out. If you are pushed for a more certain answer, try and recount those experiences you talked about with the "never felt any attraction to boys" and "I've only had those thoughts about a few girls". School will definitely keep you very busy. But when you're laying awake at night and thinking 'lesbian/notlesbian?" then you can just hop online and hang around EC =) Full of people who are caught up in questions. Maybe some of yours will be answered. Good luck on this, and hope you do well in class!
I respect the fact that you had the courage to write down all of this and put it up for everyone to see. That takes serious guts. I know, because I'm new and I just did it! Seriously though, I know what it feels like to have the back and forth you do. And when it happens at night, it's only that much more annoying! Not as much to do, so more of your mind is open to spinning! I find that listening to music while drifting off to sleep does help. Might be worth a try. When it comes to coming out, it is a slow process. Initially, I was outed not by my own choice. But I took back control and told a few people on my own. It takes a lot of courage, and might take awhile. But thats okay. It's important to tell people you trust. Even letting a school consulor know and talking out your uncertainty might help you. Non judgemental environment and free. You might find in talking with that person that you stumble upon a thought that helps you, without even meaning to. Try not to stress too much about it. You will learn who you are in time.
Wow, thank you all so much. I had no idea I would get these nice and supportive messages. It really means a lot. I think you are right. Getting these responses have already made me feel being supported and that I am not alone. I was about to tell a friend of mine, after I got your encouragement, but she bailed on me for the third time, so I don't really know who to tell anymore. I have another good friend, but she has enough problems of her own to deal with and I am not sure how she will react. I'm afraid that if she (or anyone else for that matter) will react badly, that I will lose all my courage to tell someone else again. I have had contact with my school counselor this year about my illness, but honestly, I don't really like her that much, so I can't really go to her either. Maybe my teacher, but I think I would feel more comfortable telling a friend. I think I will just wait and find out who I want to tell it to. Mysz, you might be right. It might also be the fear of what other people will think of me. Possibly a combo of that and uncertainty. I guess there is still a lot to figure out, but I've got it all a bit clearer in my head. I think I will hang around here for while. It helps a lot. Thank you!
