Being 23 I have experienced a lot of the "gay scene" in my area, nothing here (Chico) is all too committed. I've posted earlier about a shy guy with like interests but he has chosen to let fear overcome him and stay away from anything that resembles another gay dude. Which sucks since I kinda let down my guard about unemployed/non-educated types. My dilemma, then, seems to be with me. Guys have and do find me attractive, they compliments me and I do "date" often. The typical date being an attempt to get me in bed only to be gone by the sunrise (or sooner : s). I'll admit I've succumbed to temptations a few times since coming out ( a lot more in my 18-20 years) but now I tend to hold off, nor would I say I am the most "experienced" fellow as I still sometimes fumble in bed. I am over the one night stands and the lame excuses guys come up with on why they can't make it out this night but, for my convenience of course, they can come over later that evening. So for all those out there who have had a REAL, legit, 100% spiritual lover, how the heck did you do it? I mean I have my types, I am into real "cheeky," sarcastic-fun types. I like younger guys for this reason, not that I haven't tried with men in their 30's and 40's(Felt like I was a toy to this guy!! He only wanted sex, sure he had bought me an expensive dinner but his hands really were my own at the end of the night!) but it seems I don't click in this group. My typical age group is 19-22, I like them to adventurous, some-what naive, kinda irreverent, have a sense of humor and be nerdy. The older men I have found seem to be somewhat shocked at my "label of definition", even though I got to know them previously through school and work they still come to my house in an awestruck manner. YES, that is a bookshelf of manga and not classic American novels, YES that is life-size Dovahkiin cardboard cutout in my living room, and for fuck sakes yes that is a giant cutout of Rin Okumura I got from Anime Expo glued to my bedroom wall. I think you get it, I am a nerd through and through. I mean I can be rash, I am human after all and I do have my faults but who doesn't? That doesn't change the fact that I am a nice, caring, honest person with a ton of freaking love!! This is why I sometimes curse being gay, there seems to be no feelings anymore just a lot of stumbling fools making way to beds. Ya know, my standards are not even that high anymore. I've attempted a relationship with an introverted, shy, closet twenty-one year old who hasn't attended school nor does he work, which should all have lead to the conclusion he is NOT ready for any sort of relationship, based solely on the fact that we both liked anime, music, games and photography. The sad part is, after three, THREE, dates he suddenly introverts his way back into his closet as if I am suddenly not-good and my end game is to out him. So back to the point, the long rants over, I have tried men who are supposed to be mature even though I tend to like younger dudes and still nothing, no click nor magnetism. I've tried guys in my comfort zone who are younger to only find some-times-clean sheets and a whole F ton of no-fucks-given. So why, if men find me good enough to be "friends" and "F buddies" do they not want to commit? It's not as if I am carrying a sign that says "I want to be your boyfriend" around my neck, cause lets face it. . . Guys HATE that chick who keeps asking for more. When are we going to go out for diner, when are we gonna date, when will you marry me for fuck sakes I've had TWO of your kids so I know no gay guy wants me openly admitting this (though I am pretty firm when it comes to what I am looking for, the answer when I meet guys at the college LGBT club or other events is Friends and the mister-right, who doesn't?) I ain't saying I am desperate either, I am not actively looking for a relationship. It kinda falls in my lap, I meet people and we have a connection and the next thing I know we're fuck buddies for a while then poof! On to the next "trophy" or whatever their collection happens to be. Is there an age group when men finally realize they're not immortal beings which are handed down upon men for the sheer pleasure of being in their company? I've seen a lot of my gay, "mature" friends seem to find long-term, real relationships in their mid-late-30's. . . I don't want to wait that long, shit, I know I need more relationship experience. . . I don't want to be the newbie in our relation. For real, it's me who enjoys the domineering aspects. . which is why I go for cheeky boys. Ugh, this is more of a rant than a question and for those kind enough to grace me with your answers it's much obliged. : )
Well, it seems you are doing a lot of things to find your potential mate, but maybe just haven't found it yet. Your out, experiencing the scene, seeing whats out there, going on dates, etc. I don't know if there is more things you can do but be patient. Best of luck,
I used to live in Chico... it's not an incredible scene to be sure. Have you thought about taking trips down to SF and getting involved in the scene there. I know it's a ways and seems like a lot of leg-work to find a relationship, but a change of scenery can often be the answer.
First off, I commend you for actually reading through my rant, haha, you're real troopers the lot of you. As much as I would love to be in San Francisco it's, I'm afraid, a rare treat I have the time to be in the area. I used to live there, loved the area and inner Richmond was safe enough for this small-town-boy, haha. I currently take courses at CSU and work as a night-guard, woot on that :x.
Ah... Yeah those damn priorities of education and work certainly know to screw up a social life, let alone playing the relationship game. I guess any LGBTQ group at CSU you've already checked out? I suppose anything that would develop from an online meeting (match, etc) isn't something that appeals? Or has led you down the same result path? It's tricky to find someone compatible regardless of location but I feel for ya being in Chico!
Hahah, the feels are being felt!! Yeah, I am currently meeting a lot of the people I attempt with through the LGBT club and, ahem, ******(SMUT!!). It's not that easy, I guess what I was asking is, should I go older? I mean, almost all my friends in a relationship are like dating guys 10-20 years their senior!!?
Smut has its place, nuffink wrong with smut! But in answer to your question about dating 10-20years older, if you set yourself some ground rules so you're not finding yourself in the same ol' situations, then there's no harm. Compatibility is going to show itself in many variations and you won't know unless you throw yourself out there. You are in charge, so if things don't ring true, or you want to break ground rules - then you can. You can also try being upfront with the guys you date. Not all 30+ are dodgy sex-crazed types and you may find you hit it off with someone who may be a real support even if it doesn't work out.
It might just be a string of bad luck as far as finding someone with specific interests. I haven't had a chance to date any guys yet ( hiding in the closet and trying to pretend I was something else), but they have to be out there. I for one like gaming, I watch a fair share of anime and I'm much more interested in going to eat, an aquarium, concert or working out/walking a trail and sharing experiences than using someone for sex or not wanting something that is real and lasting. I know I'm new to the game, but I (super) hope that the nerdy, mostly fit, fun-loving romantic is out there. Because girls didnt cut it and I know I I want a partner with similar interests. I have straight guy friends that are nerds but obviously they are just friends and I'm sure ill have a hard time too. Good luck and they have to exist, but maybe they are too busy inside gaming or watching blurays to make it out. Maybe you'll get lucky in a store and see someone buying a manga you're into and he'll notice and chat you up.
Ok, speaking as a more mature guy who's been in multiple relationships (the current one has been going strong for 16yrs now). Various thoughts...please note that all of these are intended to be supportive, but I'm also going to be a bit blunt. 1. You say that you aren't looking for a relationship, and that you don't want to be 'that guy' with a sign around his neck, but pretty much the whole point of of your post is that you are looking for a relationship. So maybe the first step is to be honest with yourself (and everyone else) about what you want. Because to me your post says you very much are looking for a relationship. 2. You talk about preferring guys younger than you and mention guys a good bit older than you, but seem to skip over the entire range of guys just a bit older than you (24-30 say). A lot of guys in that range may be young professional with careers and clean sheets who also share some of your interests and such. Maybe you need to adjust your age range a bit? 3. You say you want more than just a fuck buddy, but your post makes it sound like you jump into bed/move to that mode pretty quickly. Given that my relationships all started that way, I don't know that I can fault you for that. But things also operated a bit differently than they seem to now (based on posts I see here from guys your age) and I wasn't looking for a relationship when they happened. Perhaps you should change your approach in this area? Maybe get to know/date someone for a month or three before having sex? 4. If looking for guys on 'the scene' isn't working maybe try things like Meetup.com, clubs, LGBT sports teams, or volunteer work to both broaden your experience and also meet guys under circumstances that aren't so focused on getting laid. These activities may also include more guys around your age who also have the more mature interests and approach to life that you seem to be looking for. 5. You mention not wanting to be the newbie in a relationship and sort of imply you like to take a dominant role in a relationship. If you really like a guy and he likes you, the first issue shouldn't matter to you except insofar as you both need to be aware of it and sometimes make allowances or be willing to learn. The second issue isn't what I would consider a particularly positive or healthy goal to have with regards to another human being. To me a relationship should be a partnership of equals, not something where one person dominates the other. There may often be situations where one or the other takes a dominant role, whether due to personality or expertise in a particular area. But it shouldn't be an end in itself. If you are truly putting out that kind of vibe or are attempting to dominate potential partners that might explain why at least some of them are taking off fairly quickly. On a deeper level, you might want to explore why you find dominating someone to be desirable. You can still enjoy cheeky sarcastic banter with a guy while being complete equals with each other. My partner and I have been doing it for a long time now. Hope this helps, Todd
Haha, I actually joined EC hoping to get to know some more gay people. That was before I realized that you need to be a full member first, essentially. I think that when interacting with an introvert, you definitely to give it more than three dates before he's comfortable with you. Definitely not to the point where he's willing to be intimate with you. I can't speak about relationships because I've never been one, but for whatever its worth, you seem like a cool guy (that I wouldn't mind being friends with). I play a lot of games, but never watch anime, Also, I'm into bird photography.
I suppose you're right, my post is kinda confusing at times. I do know what I want and I have tried a wide range of age groups. Also, I do not just jump into bed and if I put out that vibe I am sorry. I was meaning on their part, we do a couple dates and the next thing I know I am being invited to spend the night at his house. I shouldn't assume and it's not always the case but it seems to be, maybe my initial thought is "I'm going to be used" and not he just wants to spend time? I do treat guys with equality, hehe, I feel uncomfortable even speaking online about my sexual practices but I was pretty much saying I like to top sarcastic, cheeky dudes who extrude "arrogance." . . .And I roleplay positions and scenarios, which is embarrassing to admit to strangers. I just don't want to come off as desperate and willing to settle for the first guy, cause I am not and I will not. Monotone, I didn't even try and become "intimate" with the guy, I was taking it slow. Our first date was coffee and an arcade, our second was diner on the river and our third was a pottery class. I tried to do things that would entertain without pushing boundaries. Like I said, I really think he was just too introverted and nervous about being found out that he was gay. Then again he really didn't give me a reason why he suddenly changed, just stated that he didn't want to be found out. Maybe we had a mutual friend and they knew I was gay. . . I don't know haha.
Oh yeah, I imagine it's uncomfortable for both parties if either one is in the closet. EDIT: I'm wondering what your username means.
Do you go to card shops and fanime and gaming venues? My son and his friends' social scenes revolve around all these same interests, and I know there are plenty of GBT guys (if you were local I'd introduce you) linked in to the gaming world. Chico is a CSU town, I can't imagine it is so very different. (Although it is pretty remote.) No luck there?
Hahah, Mono it's complete gibberish. Really only means something to me, it's my best friends gamer tag so I made the opposite for mine, hence the anti. I only use it for a couple things online, nothing too important. Dragonbait, I wish!!! Chico is lame, it's a college town that really caters to the elderly and the cops here HATE college kids. I don't blame them but yeah, it's rural and not the most open minded area. Ironically I am a CSU student, the gay people I know are diverse but they all kind of fit into that college kid mold, they're there to have fun. If there are gay nerds in my area they are either taken or in the closet making it very hard to find one who is ready for an open relationship. Now I know I shouldn't be narrow minded but I have tried going with others of different labels, like I said we had nothing in common to keep the conversation going. It just ends up being dull, simple questions that neither really can answer, hahah.
In my past relationships there was a chemistry thing right from the start. Age was not the issue. I usually date younger, but don't really know why. I have had to put rules on as well, like, half my age plus 7 years, lol. In the end, it seems to come down to things like character, honesty, caring and whether they will go watch the Broncos and 49ers play at Candlestick with me without complaining too much.
Hahah, Cali, so true. I think it's honestly more about character with me, the gay community tends to be quite shallow and rude sometimes from my experience. I've lost a good many friends over this last year due to me wanting to distance myself. It gets old hearing them talk so negatively towards other gay men sometimes, it's sad. I totally agree though, if I could find someone interested in coming over on a Saturday to watch anime on Crunchyroll under a blanket with some popcorn I'd be the happiest dude, like, ever. Yet it feels to me like no one gets it ,just play games with me or go hiking and I'd be happy, you really needn't impress me with your macho physique or bright, luminous tan skin.
