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41-Year-Old Feels Handicapped by Virginity

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Meribor, Aug 21, 2013.

  1. Meribor

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    Aside from the specific issues of my gender identity and sexual orientation, I feel I am handicapped by my virginity, especially at 41 years of age.

    Suddenly jumping into bed with everyone isn't my style, or, I've read and been told, the solution. I guess I fear challenge questions from friends and family when I come out.

    Thoughts? Thanks.
     
  2. KyleD

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    I think once two people make an emotional connection with each other, sex will be very easy. You are totally okay and good things will happen to you. :slight_smile:
     
  3. RoguesWolfe

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    There's never a set age for when it comes to things like this, well that's what I think anyways. When your ready you'll just know, and like the person above said with the emotion connection. There's never anything wrong with it. Just be glad you didn't just jump right in, sometimes it's the worst thing you could do.
     
  4. sigillumdiaboli

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    Jumping into bed with everyone isn't my style either, and I'm a virgin @ 32. Good morals... Don't exist nowadays me thinks!
     
  5. Adi

    Adi
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    What do you mean by "challenge questions"? That they'll ask "how do you know you're gay (or whatever) if you've never had sex?" Well, you don't need to have sex to know what you're sexual orientation is. Also, don't mind me asking, but what exactly is the reason for you still being a virgin at that age? Is it by choice, or some psychological issue? Have you ever thought of hiring a sex surrogate?

    ---------- Post added 22nd Aug 2013 at 01:20 PM ----------

    I wouldn't say this has anything to do with morals, IMO. People shouldn't be judged either way, if they're not hurting others.
     
  6. Filip

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    Honestly, some challenge questions are to be expected when you come out, no matter your experience. I've known of people who slept with both sexes before coming out, only to be asked "But even if you slept with hundreds of women, maybe you just haven't slept with the right one?"

    Personally, I always made an effort to answer those questions by pointing out that, in the end, sexuality isn't just about sex. In fact, if you ask me, I'd say sex is even a relatively minor part of it. I don't like guys just for what I can do with them in bed. Just like how most straight people don't just build their relationships on sexual attraction either.

    So, when people ask me how I know I'm gay, I say it's about what I want, and who I click with. I find myself wanting to connect with men. The prospect excites me in ways connecting to women never does. My eyes get drawn to guys, and I find myself wanting to get to know them better, which is another thing I barely have with women.

    And... let's even assume I'd sleep with a woman and have a good time, or sleep with a guy and have a bad time. Or let's assume I become a hermit and never lay eyes upon another human being again. So what? It doesn't change what I desire deep down. And that is something other people just will have to accept me knowing for myself.


    On a second note, I do also think that virginity can become a closet itself. I know of people who came out and were amazed at how little people minded and how free and liberated they felt, and how glad they were they didn't keep it as some big and shameful secret.. and then proceed to keep their virginity a total secret, because "no one would understand and I'd not get accepted!".

    While, really, it's just the same thing. Whenever it came up with my friends, I was always totally open about it. To some, the idea of someone who's over 18 and still a virgin is somewhat odd, but in the end, most everyone is pretty chill about it, if you're chill about it too. So I tend to advocate for a healthy dose of virgin-pride here :wink:
     
  7. bingostring

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    The person you end up in bed with will probably be someone you have spent some time getting to know very well, and trust, and they will also understand things about you and be very supportive.

    By the time you get to the bedroom the issue will have vanished and you can just get on with it !!
     
  8. Milhouse

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    At 25, I'm not exactly as old as a lot of other virgins, but I'm certainly well above what I perceive to be the average age for loosing that. It does get me a bit worried at times, realizing that I've never even so much as expressed interest in any of the people I was interested in in my teen and adult years.

    Actually, this was getting to me last night. To be honest, the virgin part doesn't really bug me. I've never been a sex-focused person. I don't think it's even really healthy to be incredibly sex-focused to begin with when seeking a lasting relationship. That's what I want really, is the company and closeness, regardless of how the sex is. That's what I fear I'll never get, and that's what is more likely to bug me.

    I agree quite a bit with what Filip said though, including the part about knowing you're gay based on non-sexual hints. I've always been much more drawn to other men's personalities, qualities, and physical features than I have been to women. Women just don't tend to interest me much, and it's not just an 'in the pants' thing. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  9. Meribor

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    I chalk up still being a virgin due to self esteem, mostly stemming from the challenges and perceived failures of my strong ADHD, but also due to my weight, stutter, etc.

    A sex therapist or surrogate has occurred to me before and, I just checked online, but I do seem to meet more of the criteria than I'd expected to. I started to create an account on a straight hook up website a while back to "get it over with," but chickened out and have since changed my mind. I will bring it up with my current therapist, thanks.
     
  10. sigillumdiaboli

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    Personally I just don't like how the media portrays virgins to be "losers"... :tantrum:
     
  11. Adi

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    I'd honestly recommend a sex surrogate, rather than someone from a hookup site (or even a hooker), the latter most likely resulting in a negative experience for you. You need someone with whom you can be honest about your sexual experiences (or lack thereof) and who knows how to handle people in your situation, helping you become comfortable with your own body, with other people's, and with sex. There are also both male and female sex surrogates, so you can also explore the sexual orientation thing if you want.

    Best of luck to you.