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I need advise on deterring obsessed Bi wanting our straight son!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by June Cleaver, Aug 21, 2013.

  1. June Cleaver

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    I now know what happens when someone Gay/ Bi falls for a straight guy from a different POV now. For the last couple weeks this has been a problem in our son's life. Well his best friend came out as Bi 2 weeks ago to him and told him he wanted a relationship with him and is in love with him. I guess because of Mike and I this boy who is 15 and our son who just turned 17 this month assumed he must be Bi/Gay too. Most people just assume that we are gay because I look male on the outside and because they don't understand trans people.

    Our son told him he was flattered but not interested because he is straight and wants to keep the friendship unchanged as it was at my advise at that time. (This was in text messaging.) Oh dear God this boy went nuts! Immediately dozens of text, the phone blew-up all night long, and dozens of comments on his Face---k page as well. This annoying shit is still full steam ahead on this boys part. He is stalking our son on the net and just won't let up on the phone either. He has even talked crazy suicidal talk as well over him.(All text.) I have been able to keep Mike out of it so far, but this boy seems determined and is a total pain in the ass! The word is total OBSESSION!!!! Things are getting worse, not better as time passes and I need to find a way to get this kid to stop before Mike finds out and gets mad, then overreacts, and it really gets ugly. I don't know what else to do without talking to his parents and outing him which I really don't want to do as I will have to involve Mike. Also I don't want this kid to really hurt himself either. This is way out of my league and I am at my wits end with it. Our son also is not comfortable with talking to Mike about things like this as they are nothing alike and don't communicate well which puts me in a hard spot because I am keeping things from my partner which is unnatural for me. I just keep hoping he will just give up! and things can be normal again.

    I would appreciate any advise on how to handle this as I cannot relate to what this kid is going through and I don't want to damage him or end their friendship. Our son used to spend a lot of time with him, sleepovers, school which starts real soon, and such. School is worrying me a lot too in how he will act around our son as they have not seen each other since this began. Thanks, June
     
  2. biggayguy

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    June, this kid may leave you no choice but to escalate. I would strongly consider getting the police involved. What he is doing is at least harassment and could become assault. Suicide threats should be taken seriously. The police deal with this kind of thing all the time. I hope things get better for your family.
     
  3. srslywtf

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    I'd say it's much the same as dealing with someone of the opposite sex obsessed with someone

    IMO you try and talk to the kid, put on your serious scary grownup faces. let him know you're gonna need to talk to his parents as the next step. If that fails, you talk to the parents. I suppose you might be able to go through the school , but if it's not back yet that probably isnt gonna do much good.

    Perhaps you could talk to his parents and tell them there are some serious things going on that they need to get to the bottom of with their kid, without outing him.. I'm not sure how well that would play out though, depending on their attitude.

    At the end of the day though.. That's a bridge he's gonna have to cross at some point. If you do involve his parents, I'd try to offer your support to him at the same time, if they react negatively.
     
  4. Chip

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    I basically concur. Police are a last resort. Speak to the kid (preferably by phone) and make it exceptionally clear that your son is straight and is not interested. Maybe refer him here; my guess is, he's just now coming to terms with who he is and desperate for someone he can relate to. And also point out that if things don't stop, you'll have no other choice than to notify his parents and/or the police.
     
  5. June Cleaver

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    I just get so nervous about contact with other peoples kids as most think we LGBT are molesters. So I am being real careful about what I am saying to this kid to cover my ass. Our son has really bonded with me and trusts me not to embarrass him. I guess I will have to face the music and get Mike involved and make a call to his parents first. If that does not work I will consider the Police. The Police sounds like a last resort to me, but I feel unnerved over this whole thing. Luckily we live in the country behind a locked fence which prevents him from just coming over as he is not driving yet. This is the craziest thing I have ever seen!

    It also gives me a new perspective on the whole "I am in live with this straight friend" thing I keep reading about. Thanks for all the advise so far and if anyone thinks of something else that might work, let me know as I will be doing something about this soon! June
     
  6. partmin123

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    Seriously? I would involve the police. It is first of all harassment and I might even go as far as getting a restraining order. And you definitely need to tell Mike. And I agree with Chip. Talk to the kid, but don't out him. Do tell him about this site. I was a bit boy crazy when i was first coming out too. And i can relate to him because my and several others are teens on this site.
     
  7. dfiant

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    I would hesitate at getting the police involved before getting your son involved. This kid has a problem and ignoring it or turning it over to the police is not going to solve the problem, it will probably do the opposite in fact.

    You should sit down with your son, let him know what has been going on and let him know that his friend need his help rather than his scorn, and you just need to be there for your son as he tries to help his friend.

    The police only deal with crime, and a restraining order is only a piece of paper. This kid needs to be reasoned with, or as a worse case, counselling.
     
  8. Chip

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    The reason I don't think the police are necessary yet is because the 15 year old bi kid is undoubtedly desperate for attention and trying to come to terms with being bi (or, very possibly, gay) and if he's this attached, the problem is likely psychological and not criminal. So it would best be dealt with by getting him help, rather than a stern reprimand from the police.

    But if the approach of helping him doesn't work, then getting the police involved may be necessary.
     
  9. dfiant

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    I agree 100% with Chip. Police would do more harm than good at this point in time.

    The kid isn't a criminal, he is just mixed up and apparently not getting the support he needs so that he can reconcile with his sexuality.
     
  10. AwesomGaytheist

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    You NEED to get the police involved. Just to reiterate, you NEED to get the police involved, ESPECIALLY if the kid is threatening suicide. I don't know what state you live in, but depending on the state, the kid might have already committed a crime by using a social media site to stalk/intimidate/harass someone else. Call the cops and show them the texts about being suicidal, as that's enough to send the police over to the kid's house for a welfare check, and hopefully while they're there they can nip this harassment thing in the bud.
     
  11. biggayguy

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    Certainly try to reason with the kid and his parents first. However, if this is a strong obsession that might not be enough to change his behavior.
     
  12. Data

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    If you tell the kid to knock it off, and it continues, you have to talk to the parents.

    If you talk to the parents and he still doesn't knock it off and continues talking suicide, go to the police.

    I just don't like skipping steps and escalating things that don't need to be escalated.

    Love is anything but rational. So this kid might be obsessed. That's love for you.

    Unfortunately for the kid, your son is straight and not interested. The kid is just going to have to get over your son.

    So just talk to the kid and then the parents. Then go to the cops if it still doesn't stop.
     
  13. June Cleaver

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    I agree Chip, he is desperate as before this all started he would have our son talk to girls for him as he would run every one off by being too intense. Then it was our son's turn. I do understand because our son is a sweetheart and probably the only friend he has that gives him the time of day not to mention cute.

    I sent him a text (the first from me) last night letting him know I am involved and I expect him to quit now and all can be back to normal and they can still be friends like it was without me contacting his parents or involving Mike and he would still be welcome to be Chance's friend as before he got confused and that I would treat him no different and keep this between us as long as he stops all of this drama. He did not respond to me. So we shall see!

    I wanted to give him one chance to correct this behavior before I had to get more serious about it and he gets alienated from his friend and our house all together. Also I don't want to damage him emotionally if at all possible. Thanks for the great advise all! Keep your fingers crossed for me! June
     
  14. AwesomGaytheist

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    What does Chance think of all this?
     
  15. CharlieHK

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    I know I'm a bit late to the thread, but I can say (from personal experience) that being stalked/harassed in this matter is very traumatic for all involved. I agree that it would be great if they could put this behind them and still be friends, however it isn't likely. Using suicide as a threat is considered emotional blackmail. Police at this point don't need to be involved but the parents most certainly do. Best of luck.
     
  16. Chierro

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    Time for my two cents.

    While yes it is creepy and what-not for this kid to be, as you say, stalking your son...I fail to see why you would involve the police. He's fifteen and most likely just coming to terms with his sexuality, he assumed your son was gay or bi and got all eager and excited about finding another gay/bi guy. He needs time to get this through his head that him and your son can't have any sort of romantic entanglement together. I fell for my one friend and my eagerness to be all friendly and nice and what-not with him basically ruined our friendship altogether. I haven't spoken to him in months.

    If he's threatening suicide because your son doesn't share feelings then from personal experience, they could easily just be empty threats. When my friend had outed me to several people I had threatened it, it was quite obvious it was empty but she went to Guidance with one of her friends (a guy who she knew I had the biggest crush on) and told the guidance counselor and the guy everything, including that I was bi. If you think that the threat was overtly serious then you call his parents and say something, where you can manage to leave out him being gay/bi and just say that he threatened suicide to your son during a talk and you were worried.

    Now to something that I've been waiting to get to. I think it is very wrong for you to text him. Very, very wrong. You said you didn't want to call him yet you would text him. The only people I know who's parents text their kids' friends are if they're close friends, friends of the family, or they are their kids' boyfriend/girlfriend and this kid fits none of those categories. I don't blame him for not responding to you, I wouldn't either because I would be creeped out.
     
  17. AKTodd

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    I'm sorry but I have to disagree.

    It's unfortunate that this kid is having a hard time dealing with his situation, if he is calling the house all night long or otherwise harassing the family, then the police are an option, even if not the preferred option or the first option.

    As far as determining whether or not his suicide threats are 'empty'. Just how do you suggest that June or her son go about doing that? And if they decide the threats are empty and turn out to be wrong is that preferable to acting as though they are not empty from the beginning?

    Finally, as far as texting, I'm not entirely sure what you mean by it being wrong to text him. Wrong in the sense that it won't promote communication and is the wrong approach for doing so? Or wrong in the sense that it violates some teenage code of conduct about how adults are supposed to interact with teenagers?

    If the former, I suppose that might be a possibility. Although since he's the one who has chosen to blast June's son with text messages and ignore requests to stop he has no one but himself to blame if the reaction is not what he wants when he chooses to continue.

    If it's the latter, then I'm sorry, but this is a child we are talking about. Children don't have the same level of rights as adults and there's a reason for that. One of which is that a teenager doesn't actually know all there is about life to begin with, let alone when they are going through an emotionally stressful time like this. That they may not like the idea of adults texting them is irrelevant. Adults are under no obligation to conform to the codes of conduct that children have invented, particularly in a situation such as is being described here.

    Texting is simply a form of communication. Teenagers don't own it. If they choose to use it, then they have no right to expect that adults won't use it to communicate back to them. Especially when they are abusing that communication channel to harass someone.

    Todd
     
  18. Chierro

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    Chip has already noted that this kid isn't a criminal. His eagerness and everything is psychological, I hardly doubt that he has this master plan of ruining Chance's life because Chance doesn't like him back. If he does then she should go to the kid's parents before anything, not straight to the police. If she does go to the parents and it continues then the police are an option, not the first thing you go to, but an option.

    I meant to say by the texting that it wasn't the right approach for an adult to contact a child that way. It's not like this kid and Chance had been best friends since they were little kids, or this kid was a close family friend. In my honest opinion it was the wrong approach. Approaching him in person, with her son, and preferably with this kid's parents as well would be the better approach to discuss everything.

    There are plenty of options that June could've taken to deter this kid, blocking his number on Chance's phone, having Chance defriend and block this kid on Facebook, etc.

    On a side note: Todd do you not like me because literally 90-95% of the things I've posted you have responded negatively to them?
     
  19. AKTodd

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    Agreed. In fact, please note that in my post I said "...the police are an option, even if not the preferred option or the first option." We would appear to either be in near agreement or agreeing violently on this point.

    Note that in your earlier post (the one I was responding to), you seemed to take a somewhat different position, specifically stating that you "failed to see why you would involve the police". Which is a rather different pov from what you're stating now. So I was disagreeing with what you said at the time.

    Actually, June said in her initial post that this guy is her son's best friend. She didn't indicate how long that friendship has been going on or what level of contact he's had with the rest of the family however, so it's hard to determine whether it meets the criteria you mention here or not.

    Regardless, if the child in question is using texting to harass someone then I would contend they have already set the ground rules for communication and are violating a much more widely accepted social norm (not repeatedly trying to contact someone who isn't interested in being contacted) then whatever violation is supposedly being committed by replying to them. I would also point out that June specifically mentioned that she was leery about involving the parents since that could basically involve outing the boy to his family (which is also a social norm violation, at least among the LGBT community). There don't seem to be any particularly happy options in this situation in any direction, unfortunately.

    Finally, I would note that June indicated that her son wanted to preserve the friendship if possible. Cutting off all communication and FB and such would not seem to be a good first step in such an attempt.

    Literally 90-95% of the things you've posted? Really? Because skimming thru your past posts (the ones dating from when we've both been members of EC since I joined over a year after you did), I'm hard pressed to even find threads to which you and I both posted anything, let alone a thread in which I responded negatively to you. In fact, in at least one thread we seemed to pretty much be on the same sheet of music.

    That said, I'm assuming there has been at least one other post besides the one in this thread in which I've disagreed with or responded negatively to something you've said. That in no way means I don't like you. Disagreeing with someone and disliking them are two entirely different things. There are people I consider close personal friends who I've known for years and who I disagree with on a routine basis.

    As far as how I do feel about you...I don't really have any feelings one way or the other. I don't know you and we've hardly spoken beyond (apparently) the occasional post or two. So while I don't 'like' you, I don't 'dislike' you either. I don't know you well enough for that.

    If you'd like to get to know each other better, please feel free to message me on my wall or we can talk here. We will probably disagree on some things (possibly many things) and possibly agree on others. Either way, the conversations could be interesting.

    Todd:thumbsup:
     
  20. June Cleaver

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    I used texting because I have an exact record of what I said in a careful way to prevent any misunderstanding or later being accused of anything inappropriate. They have been best friends for 3 years. Things are back to somewhat normal and they are back to being friends again. Also school has started around here and maybe that has diverted attention. My one text seemed to stop the around the clock calls at least. I don't think he wanted me to contact his parents above all. I would hope he appreciates that I did not just out him to his parents or as some have suggested the police. I thought it would be more embarrassing for him for me to confront him in person with his parents or even over the phone. Text is more indirect and he could re-read it over and over if necessary so as not to misunderstand what I said. Thank you all for your insight and advise as I was near my wits end with this. June