I recently came out as gay/queer to two of my closest friends. One of them is pan, and ended up coming out to me right after (which was totally cool). I've spent the past year-ish thinking about my sexuality and like three weeks ago, I was pretty confident that I was a lesbian. After I invited those two friends into my closet, though, I started doubting my sexuality even more. I'm afraid that I'm "forcing" it, that I'm not actually gay, or by the time I am able to date, I won't actually be gay. To clarify, I live with my father who is a Christian conservative whose views on homosexuality are blurry and almost always offensive, so I'm waiting to come out to him. When I was little (like... preschool little) I remember "wanting to be best friends" with a girl. Fourth grade, there was a new girl who was "super pretty" and I'm pretty sure that was my first major crush (I got butterflies whenever she walked in the classroom, all nine yards of nine-year-old crushes!). I'm even pretty sure what I feel for a girl at school is a crush and I definitely appreciate the female body more than the male body (Game of Thrones, anyone?). The part that's tripping me up is that I've never dated a guy. I've never even held hands with a guy, much less kissed one or anything. I've never ever been interested in that (when I was little, I thought I could only date guys, so I actually assured myself I would put it off as long as I could). Most of the time (although sometimes depending on the guy) I'm completely disgusted by the thought of thinking of men in a sex way (my "exceptions" are usually celebrities and not the kind of person I'd date). Does my lack of experience with a guy really hamper anything? I actually *want* to date a girl. Like the concept is something I look forward to and I wish I could do now. I knda get butterflies and I feel excited about it (soft skin/hair etc etc)... but I don't get that feeling about guys. I even went through my entire school yearbook from this past year and I didn't find a single guy I could physically see myself with. But sometimes I can imagine "doing it" with a guy and it isn't too bad. It's the rest that's not always steadily attractive and appealing to me. Should I regret coming out? Do you guys have any advice for me? Do you guys think I'm gay? I do, but again: I'm afraid that I won't be when I finally get the chance to get close to someone... Sorry this is so longwinded! D: It's just really heavy on my mind.
I had this same panic reaction right after I came out to my first person. What if I was making up my feelings? What if when it came down to it and I was dating a girl I realized I wasn't into it? What if it was just a way to avoid intimacy with men? What if I assumed I was gay just because I never dated a guy, or kissed a guy, or held hands with a guy? But I think all of that was my denial in its death throws, like it wanted to go down fighting. After I gave it some time, and my friends gave me support and space and understanding I became much more comfortable with the label gay. Actually finally coming out to a queer friend, and discussing life experiences (omg so much the same!) really is what made me feel better. I wasn't alone in the worry I was wrong. And I wasn't alone with it being a confusing mess to find out. Luckily my queer friend had already tackled the big hurdles could give me advice. She was in a relationship, out to her family, out to friends, out at work, and really comfortable with her orientation. If it makes you feel any better, I could have written your ENTIRE post myself. Every last bit of it. And I'm gay. And you know what? When it got down to it and I did kiss a girl all that worry about being wrong was gone. The kiss felt natural - except for the part where I didn't know what I was doing, but the girl part felt natural.
Don't regret coming out! You are absolutely entitled to change your mind in the future no matter what you've told other people. And yes Game of Thrones is awesome. Pretty sure they stumbled onto the winning combo. boobs+great stories = ratings up the wazoo
Also I wanted to add, when I expressed worry about attaching a label to myself that I might one day have to take back, my queer friend encouraged me to not feel any pressure to label myself so soon or at all if that's what I felt like. I could still be out and open without a label as simply "not straight." This helped me feel more at ease about the whole thing. Though I did eventually settle on the label gay, and I'm now comfortable with it. So no need to label yourself, even as you come out.
Like Parsley and yourself - I also had the same panicky reaction after I came out too. Also because I've never truly dated guys properly, and because my immediate family kept telling me "it's a phase" and "you just haven't met the right man". But I know in my heart that I want to spend my future with another woman - and I think that's the most important thing. I'm hanging out for the time when I'll be able to "validate" my "gayness" by having my first female kiss (even though there will be people who say you don't need to necessarily do this in order to "feel gay" - I mean - did I need to kiss a dude to "feel straight" before? Nope, I just knew inside I was and never questioned it). Yes, you will be able to change your mind after you've come out - at least you've tried it on the other side, and that's more that you can say for most of the population out there.
After being asked by friends and family "are you sure?" about 6 dozen times, I wanted to be like "NO IM NOT F*CKING SURE, WHY DOES IT MATTER I JUST TOLD YOU SOMETHING PERSONAL JUST ACCEPT IT" but I had to smile and calmly explain that it's a process and that I'm not sure but that it took me a while to get to this place. I've gone back and forth; I wasn't head over heels over the first girl I dated, so I thought I was making it all up. But as time went on I realized I didn't want to date guys, and what I was having trouble with was getting over the heterosexual narrative society tries to write for us. I'd spent so many years trying to be normal and now I realize just how not normal I am, and it's ok. Anyways that's just my story: my doubts came from lack of acceptance, because acceptance is a process. But more and more, I find myself envisioning my future with a woman. I don't completely rule out men, but my preference is for women. Write your own story; but don't regret anything in the way you came out. You came out for a reason. But coming out is not a binding contract, and you can be whoever you want. One big thing I forgot to address is that your father is conservative; I wonder if this is causing your feelings of regret. But most of us (LGBT folk) didn't choose this; we were born to some extent with these preferences. Your struggles with your dad are not going to be easy, but don't let that cast doubt on your orientation if you firmly believe in it.
I had the same reaction after I came out last fall while I was still dating my ex. I kept going over things in my head. It was more of the "What if I'm just holding back,' or 'What if I'm actually interested in the opposite sex after all?' But it didn't help that I'm not really out except for three local friends, my ex who's still a good friend, my counselor and immediate family,plus my online friends. It also doesn't help my mother's on the conservative end of things, and because she's had limited exposure to LGBT, she's been in denial for the most part(I had to come out twice in the past two years because she denied I could be anything other than straight). It also hit me after a lot of thinking, that I never have been boy crazy. As far back as thirteen, I couldn't understand why girls wanted to be with boys and what they saw in them. So I decided to stop forcing myself to be something I'm not. I've always had an attraction to the same sex. I've flirted and even said things that probably likely would make people who don't know me, and haven't been around me in a while ask if I'm a lesbian because of the comments I sometimes make randomly out of the blue. It took me a year after I came out partially to my mom for me to start acknowledging the thoughts louder. Since ending things with my ex, I fell into a bit of a confusion, but I think it was because of fear of not being able to find someone to date,particularly another girl. It's not helping that I'm not completely out, but with the help of my counselor and my brother and my good friend I just came out to, I'm starting to at least feel more settled and I've been questioning less frequently. I only think I did so because my mom kept implying the 'it's a phase,' and because my breakup in January left me really confused for about five,six months. I'd just say, be yourself and follow your heart. Those are the two pieces of advice that have really helped
