I plan on coming out to my wife to tonight, but I keep saying its the wrong time?

I feel for you. I'm in the same situation--I am at the point where I feel that I really HAVE to tell my wife. My kids are middle school and high school, which helps in some ways but makes it harder in others. My oldest (almost 16) pretty much knows--I've told her that if her mom and I split, I would be open to dating guys, and she was very accepting of that (she is a great kid!).

I also checked into divorce laws and came to the conclusion that a divorce now would be a financial mess--thought I could divorce her WITHOUT telling her. But you may find that the more comfortable you get with who you are, the harder it is to hide, and the less you want to. It may seem selfish, but really, it's self-preservation. I've been married for 20 years and should have gone through this at least 10 years ago. We have both been hurt by the distance that has come between us and the friendship that we have lost. I feel like being honest is the only way I have a chance of salvaging that.

I'm trying to find the right time as well; she has a horribly stressful week ahead of her and I am very reluctant to add this on top of it (although I have come VERY close over the past few days). But it will happen, soon. It has to.

Take one thing at a time, Ric. I have the same worries as you about ending up alone, only I'm probably 10 or 15 years older than you are. But anyone who is trying so hard to show love and consideration to someone, as you are, has a lot to offer. It may not happen tomorrow, but it will. But you--and I--have another step to take first.

 

First of all Gay Ric breathe, just simply breathe and become aware of your breath moving in and out of your body. I can tell not only by the content of your post, but also by the way it was written that you are spiraling right now with a whole lot of thoughts, fears, and conjectures. So just take a little time to slow down, breathe, and rest in the present moment.

Go ahead, I will wait. You can read the rest of my reply after you have spent a little time just breathing.

You have posed a lot of questions in your post. I am not going to attempt to respond to them all, but I am going to lump a bunch together. First of all you are NOT being selfish! You need to let go of that narrative. What you are attempting to be is authentic and that is what I believe our work to be in this life. When we construct a life with others that is built upon a less than solid foundation we endanger everyone involved — your wife, your children, your extended family, etc. — you are now attempting to make a courageous effort to rectify that before the whole edifice comes crashing down.

As far as what will happen, no one knows and you can't really control what will happen anyway. You are causing yourself stress and suffering by living in your thoughts and constructed narratives about potential scenarios that may or may not happen. This is not reality. This is living in a fiction. The only reality is in the present moment so as hard as it may be right now, try and stay present. Hold things lightly and let them evolve as they will evolve. If you find yourself spinning into a mentally fabricated fear based future, simply return to your breath and bring your awareness to what is happening now.

I will offer a few pieces of advice with regard to telling your wife. First, do not pick a time such as a family gathering, holiday, or special event. You want to avoid these times because what will happen if you don't is that any negativity associated with the coming out process for any of the participants (including yourself) will be forever fused with what was intended to be a joyous occasion. You want your coming out to stand on its own and not drag other elements into it.

I would also advise you against saying to your wife that you no longer love her, because let's be honest, is that really true? From what you have written about your wife in your post I get the sense that you love her very much. Relationships, like all things in life, change. They are impermanent. And you and your wife have changed. You are not the same person who got married 10 years ago. Your have grown in self-awareness and your needs have changed. There is no need to be regretful about having married and had children. All those things transpired in your life for a reason and often those reasons are difficult to uncover as they typically lie in our subconscious. I would offer that you simply share your truth with her, open yourself up, be vulnerable, and don't be attached to the outcome. She will respond based on her needs and expectations. She may feel betrayed because she had been living under one set of assumptions and had thus created a series of narratives in her mind as to how her life would play out. The betrayal part comes in when we feel that someone has change the parameters on us without consulting with us. The other thing she will undoubtedly feel is grief as she is forced to let go of all those narrative about her life with you that she had mentally created. Grief is a tricky thing as it can come out in a lot of different ways; however, grief is personal and it needs to be released for healing to occur. So I would caution you against trying to "fix" things and make her feel better. This is her work to do and not yours. There is an added complication to your scenario in that she is already in the midst of the grieving process over her father and that is most likely in its early stages particularly if there are matters of the estate still requiring her attention. Just be aware that if you come out to her now she may not fully "hear" you and may react more than respond to what you have to say.

I am experiencing a somewhat similar situation at the moment. Although I have been out to my wife since we were first dating 30 years ago, we are at a transitional stage in our relationship where we will most likely be parting ways. Like your wife, my wife lost both of her parents this past winter. During the time of illness, death, funerals, and estate management we both put our relationship work on hold and I have simply stepped into a supportive role for the time being putting my needs and desires on hold. We still talk a lot and we are still honoring each other's work, but we are also honoring our lives together as a couple and as a family. In addition, my wife (who has been our main bread winner for the past 15 years) lost her job in early June so we too do not have the finances to maintain two separate households, so though we live quasi separate lives we share a house and we continue to co-parent our 17-year-old son. We do this recognizing that things will continue to evolve and change as they are meant to, they can't help but do that anyway.

My point is that you and your wife can move through this process with love and grace. You can create a new relationship that is based on authenticity and what is present rather than on fictional mental fabrication and cultural heteronormative expectations. You do not need to compare your present and future relationship with anyone else or against any "standard."

When you do come out to your wife (and BTW there is no one setting a deadline here) do so from a place of love and not fear. Set your intention on wanting what is best for her, for yourself, and for your children, because that is what true love is all about. What will happen will happen. You cannot control it or how others will react/respond, but know that whatever comes your way is only temporary — for it too is impermanent and will change — and the wondrous thing is that you will be coming at from a place of greater truth and authenticity.

Wishing you ease and clarity.

 

Wow you're in a tough spot...I really feel for you and your loved ones.

Having not been in your situation I can't exactly speak to it but, I do understand being attracted to men but feeling the need/expectation of being married/having a traditional family.

I think concerns with young children and the current pain your wife is in would stop me from doing it right now, I think (you did say you are comfortable in the relationship). OTOH, younger may be better for the kids.

I wouldn't expect it to remain a secret from anyone once she is hurt. You'll be the bad guy anytime for this reason but especially right at this time.

The poster above me has some wisdom....relax and remember the pressure you feel may only be coming from inside.

Best if luck. Please keep us posted and I will have you in my thoughts.

 

Ric, I haven't read the answers of the others yet. I sort of know your situation from both sides. You keep saying that you are selfish. Probably because you would like to be assured that you are not.

Yes, I think that you are and that you will have to live with that. You keep saying that it will be better for your wife. Has she offered you a divorce? If not, she is probably OK with your marriage and you won't do her any good.

Have you thought about open relationship? I know a couple (a straight woman and gay man) where it works pretty well. He was unhappy, they have little kids. He loves the kids and is a great dad. They live as a family, but he is free to have gay friends... It's been going on like that for years.

For his wife it's not easy, but she still considers it better than a divorce. So does he. The relationship has become balanced again and nothing has changed for the kids.

As for when to tell her. Get into her shoes. Imagine it's you who has the doctor appointment ahead etc. And think about how would you react if your wife came out to you.

This is not about you "wanting to get it off your chest." You said you used to love her and don't want to hurt her. If this is true, you must look at the act through her eyes, not through your (immediate) needs.

I know it's hard. I do.

 

yeah, I know. The decisions we made years ago will influence our lives for ever. So will the one you are about to make.

 

The thing is - it's not just for yourself. Your wife has the right to choose if she wants a relationship with a straight guy too. I thought I was doing the right thing by being in the closet, but I actually hurt my husband more that way - sex life was just appalling and I was distant and hard on him. We get on better as friends. I'm not going to lie - there was a lot of heartache along the way but he has told me that telling him was the right thing to do.

Do you have some support network for afterward, as well as here? Wish I'd found this place at the time. I've never found a bad word or lack of understanding here.

 

Just one question "What makes you think that you are Gay"?

 

Oh so many good questions. I think most of us would be asking the same things if we were really honest with ourselves and in your situation. But here's the thing. Good relationships are based on a cornerstone of honesty and trust. We probably all agree on that. I really think the more open and honest you can be with her about your internal conflict with your sexuality, the better. You have the right to your feelings, no one else can own them. How she reacts could be a combination of a hundred different things including how much sleep she got, or a gay friend she had in college. You can't control that, nor should you. I think if you present your authentic self in a non hostile environment and share your true feelings, your soul will experience true freedom. The rest is just details. They will work themselves out one day at a time.

 

what is the hurry? u love her. so cant u wait 6 months more until the hurt of her fathers death is reduced?

 

I'm a gay man. I married women twice. I've been confused about my sexuality because I like women. I can have sex with them if I'm drunk and take Viagra. I'm gay and a total bottom.

I never told my wives that I'm gay. One always asked me if I was gay. The marriages failed and they both filed for divorce.

 

That's ok! Your voice is always Welcome! (*hug*)

 

I would also suggest talking with a counselor. It could be very helpful sorting things out and maybe helping you develop a plan and a timeline. This may not work for all but I'm in the same situation as you and I was such a mess I couldn't function to well at all. Talking with somebody who didn't judge me was very helpful. I don't have any concrete answers yet, but at least I have laid everything out on the table.

 

"My feelings still remain the same, but the hunger is under control.

If I can control it! I can remain married! and keep my kids from growing up in a split family! like I did. I don't want that.

I think I need to be honest with my wife, one day, I love her much, our sex life isn't great, but were both really tired, and working lots, when we do have sex, I do enjoy it. I just love the thought of being with a man. Something that will probably never happen, I dunno.."

Gay Ric, I came out to my wife of 15 years a fortnight ago. She has suffered a parental bereavement too in the last year, and my timing was appalling but unplanned. She took it badly, was in shock, and has spent the last couple of weeks crying. She feels robbed of her future, of all the dreams and plans that she had in her head. She had never suspected that I might be gay so it came as all the more of a shock. I have another thread on this forum with more info. My life has become more complicated because a guy I met through work about 6 months ago has just clicked with me in the last month. In the last few weeks we've kissed and stopped short of full sex but the physical contact, warmth, strength and feelings he brings out in me confirms in my mind that I am gay. We've been experiencing a bit of drift and she asked me whether I had changed how I felt about her. I love my wife, and care deeply for her. I love my children. I don't want to hurt any of them. I am hurting her just now as I need to decide what is the right thing to do for everyone. Do I stay for the sake of the kids? Do I stay with my wife, despite the fact that we've both acknowledged we've drifted apart (and probably not helped by my underlying feelings of being unfulfilled in terms of my sexuality), albeit I enjoyed having sex with her despite the infrequency. Was that a result of the deep emotional bond we built together? Possibly. But now my 'secret' is out, can I go back to the way I was? Can I go back to locking away the desires, and a part of me, and going back to gay porn late at night? Can she accept me having these feelings and knowing that I'm suppressing them? Will we end up resenting each other? These are all questions that I have, and that you might end up having if or when you come out I'm sure.

I completely understand the feelings you describe. My feelings ebbed and flowed right through from my teenage years, but in recent years have come back stronger than before. Meeting this guy and finding that he felt the same way about me that I do about him, was one of the most intensely liberating moments of my life. We had messed around, joking around with each other, poking fun and probably being a bit flirty but in a jokey kind of way. When we finally had the conversation about how we felt I suddenly felt like a weight had been lifted from me.

I am struggling to see a way forward if I stay with my wife. But I'm equally scared of striking out on my own at 40, with no guarantees that this guy will be around in 6 months. If I leave it needs to be for me, not for him. If I go I don't have to suppress the feelings I have any more, feel guilty watching gay porn to quench my desire to see a naked male body and imagine what it would be like to be held by a man, or kissed by a man. Whether this guy is for the short, medium or long term, I know what makes me feel whole and "me". I want to look after my family as well. If I stay I don't think I could shut up how I feel again for the next 10 years or longer. It's a really hard choice, but I'm taking those first steps on the road to altering the rest of my family's life. I think you just need to be true to yourself and see where that takes you all. I believe that the drift I experienced, the irritations between us and my dissatisfaction with life generally, were contributed to by the suppressed feelings I had.

Good luck.

 

Highlander2. I agree that when you finally get to hold and kiss a man, get to be intimate and feel your passion and desire returned, then there is no going back - it is impossible for me to imagine not experiencing that ever again.

And Gay Ric, it is only going to be harder to suppress these feelings as you get older, but I wish you all the strength possible to do that - i just couldn't anymore.

 

First, let me start by explaining that I only partially understand this situation, as I was not yet married when I came out to my partner. However, we were seriously considering getting married and having children and a life together, and from what I hear, he had a ring picked out and was ready to propose.

However, I feel like I do have some insight into how difficult it is to decide what you are going to do when you have to tell someone you truly care about something that could hurt them. I had been with my boyfriend for three years when I came out to him. I didn't know I was gay when we started dating. While we were dating, there was a woman who caught my attention, but I thought it was a fluke thing. The feeling just never went away, though. I kept thinking I need to tell him, but I can't because I know this will hurt him so bad. We lived in a one bedroom apartment, and neither of us could afford to go anywhere else, and I did really and truly love him, just not in the way that I felt like it was right to continue the relationship anymore. We were having sex, and I won't say I never enjoyed it, but the connection just wasn't there as much anymore now that I was having these feelings. I went through periods where I thought everything was fine, and we would get married and live happily ever after, and then I went through periods where I was asking many of the same questions as you. In the end, I decided to come out to him and tell him that I was having these feelings. Initially, we tried the open relationship route, but it didn't pan out for us. I was seeing both him and her, and they both knew about each other, so I didn't feel that I was doing anything wrong exactly, but I found that I was always disappointed to leave her to come home to him, and that didn't seem quite right or fair to him. Eventually, I ended up breaking it off with him. It was terrible timing. I broke things off on our anniversary. It wasn't intentional, but I woke up on our anniversary and I had just had a dream about her, and when I woke up next to him I was disappointed to see him, and so I thought, well this isn't fair to anyone to keep pretending like this is working, and it doesn't seem right to celebrate a milestone in our relationship when I am disappointed that I woke up next to him.

Initially, he was very upset. I'm not going to sugar coat it and pretend like it didn't hurt him. It hurt when I told him that I was actually dating her while dating him even though he had okayed it, and it hurt even more when I essentially chose her over him. However, over time, the wounds have healed and we are now friends. I told him when I got engaged (to the girl I left him for) because I wanted him to find out from me and not from some post on the internet, and he was genuinely happy for me. He came to the wedding, and actually played the entrance music for my bridal party and assisted my DJ. It was good to have him there and know we have come to a place where we can happily be friends and truly be happy for each other's happiness. Some day, I know he will find someone who makes him just as happy as I am, and when he does, I will also be supportive and be happy for him. And now, I know that was the best situation for us.

Basically, what I'm saying is that although it seems like you are being selfish by coming out, sometimes you are not. Sometimes you are truly trying to give the other person the opportunity to find something more real, something that is more what they believe it is, it's because you truly don't think it's fair that you don't feel the way they do. And that's not selfish at all. Yes, it is difficult growing up in a home with divorced parents, but if you and your wife can continue on good terms and act like adults in the situation (which it sounds to me like you could), it wouldn't be the worst thing. Many very successful, happy people come from divorced families that are anything but broken. In fact, I have a friend whose divorced parents were sometimes more civil in dealing with each other than my own married parents. This truly doesn't have to be the end of the world for you our your children if you do decide that you need to be honest with her.

 

I am in my 50s and my wife found out about my sexuality 2 years ago by accident. My children dont know but I am sure they sense that my wife and I are not happy. Wife seems to have got over the shock and is being pragmatic about things. We still live in the same house. In the meantime I have met a guy who I am really fond of. Feel I have reached a cross roads and do not know what to do for the best. It seems to be me now finding it really difficult to decide on the next step rather than my wife.