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How did you do it ?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by doglover44, Aug 12, 2013.

  1. doglover44

    doglover44 Guest

    How did all you gay guys stay married and have kids ect and live the straight live for so long before coming out ?
     
  2. pippi

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    I have often wondered that myself. I have pretended to be straight all my life. I am 54. But finally, I thought, "hey, life is too short. I need to think about me, and focus on what makes me happy" I tried to like boys, I really did. I dated in highschool, but always used lines such as "no sex until married", or when things started getting serious, I'd break up with them. So I feel bad for "wasting their time and eventually hurting them." At the time though I didn't know how to do anything different. It was expected of me to "date". And I lived through all the "you are going to be an old maid" and "When are you going to get married and have children" kind of stuff. I finallly just stopped dating all together at about 25 years old, because I was tired of living a lie. Yet I wasn't brave enough to accept or step out as a lesbian. I stayed in that stupid dark closet all these years. Now that I've decided that its okay to be me, I'm scared! Scared that I waited too late, and that I will never be fully accepted for who I really am. I've often wondered how people could actually get married, have children, etc. I wanted to do the same, but I just couldn't. I mostly feel sad because I never had children, and I love them so much. Oh well, I can spoil everyone else's right?!
     
  3. PeteNJ

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    focusing on SO much else than myself (work, career, kids, wife, house, hobbies, community groups, local politics, etc etc). basically avoiding myself, of course, at deep cost.

    and suffering from depression. but covering it up well - by keeping SO busy and with a sense of humor, so that almost no one really knew about it.
     
  4. Choirboy

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    Well, realistically, part of it was really, truly believing that a traditional hetero marriage was what I wanted, despite that inconvenient little fact that I was attracted to guys. And a pretty severe disconnect in my mind about what "gay" really implied (physically and emotionally attracted to the same sex, as opposed to some kid of weird and unfamiliar lifestyle "choice").

    As to how I dealt with it--PeteNJ is right, depression....I ate myself up to about 320 lbs. and pretty much let my wife call the shots about our entire life, and basically checked out emotionally. I because withdrawn, and while I was always rather socially awkward and didn't have a ton of friends, I completely backed away from even the few that I had. I might still be in that situation if not for several random things that came together at the same time and started me losing weight, which in turn made me look at myself and think, wow, to the right guy I could actually be somewhat attractive. Still working on ending the marriage and coming out to the world instead of just the few people who know, and it may take awhile, but now I feel like I have the destination picked and I just have to Mapquest the best route, so to speak. But damn, it feels incredible to be even at the point I am, instead of just thinking in terms of "if only".
     
  5. debushed

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    doglover44,

    I followed another one of your posts and replies always seem very short. Could you maybe update us on how things are going.

    For me I'd say I'm like PeteNJ. I kept super busy, I always had so much going on in my life that it left me with excuses on why things were the way that they were. I never realized how unhappy I truly was until I wasn't unhappy anymore. I'm still what a lot on here would probably consider young at 33 but I had a straight life with someone I really cared about but it turns out I'm gay so it didn't work. It's actually very heart breaking for the both of us I think, but when I accepted who I am, I had to accept the pain that I caused.

    Eventually it is all consuming and it is something that you will never be able to get off your mind. If you are thinking that you are gay, do the right thing, don't cheat, accept yourself and find a way out. In the long run it will be better for her and much better for yourself. It's better to be gay than ashamed of who you are.
     
  6. DrWhoFan

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    I don't know. I was married for 17 years (just waiting for the final divorce papers). Despite some confused fumblings with another woman at Uni, I refused to even think about being gay (I was very messed up from my childhood and my parents were deeply homophobic anyway). I got married. It was okay for a while, but the sex diminished very quickly. I had two kids (desperately wanting them made it easier). Got drunk to have sex with my husband. Eventually admitted to myself I was gay a couple of years ago. Got severely depressed on and off. Ended up having an affair (mistakenly kidding myself that would make being married easier as I had a release valve, instead made me feel crappier, even though we have ended up staying together). Then I finally snapped when he pushed and pushed about sex (I could barely stand him touching me).
    I don't know how it took so long, I don't know how he didn't spot it for so long (there's a whole other tale about his bad behaviour too). I don't know how I survived. Sometimes I have horrible flashbacks, but I guess you don't spot how bad things are until you are out the other side. Being out is so so much better. Being properly in love with someone is amazing (sex barely seems important in many ways).
     
  7. Flutters1980

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    Hi, new here! I'm currently in this situation with a wonderful husband and young child, and boy is it difficult to deal with! I'm constantly depressed because of my situation and will be subscribing to this thread to read about others experiences and ways of coping with the same situation.
     
  8. doglover44

    doglover44 Guest

    maybe that's why I have been acting the way I am taking anger out on people when I don't mean to I am just stressed and been hiding behind all these 2 years of marriage
     
  9. Choirboy

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    We all deal with stress in different ways. Anger, depression, addiction...my biggest crutch was probably food. You can hide a whole lot of gay behind a hundred spare pounds. Not suggesting that everything is rosy once you are out--everyone's experience is different and has its own challenges. But you would be shocked at how much less pressure you feel once you're not hiding anymore--and you will be amazed to realize just how much energy you were using up trying to keep that big secret.
     
  10. redneck

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    When I was with my wife I was still in the denial stage. After my divorce (not related to me bing gay) I experimented a bit. I don't really recall going through an 'anger' phase but I guess I was more in the 'bargaining' stage when I met my baby's momma (It's ok to be gay if I like girls too right?) I didn't play safe and she was pregnant 3 months later (lesson learned thank god it wasn't a std that taught me) after that I stayed with her cause I felt it 'was the right thing to do' (yea what a load of crap I spent 5yrs that I'll never get back with someone I didn't love). As time went on I started becoming depressed and we basically co-existed more than there was a relationship. As I became comfortable enough to accept that I wasn't straight (still considered myself bi at the time) I actually resented her because I wanted what she didn't have. This resentment lead to me treating her like crap and thats what ended the relationship (she still doesn't know I'm gay). In the 3 years since

    ---------- Post added 3rd Sep 2013 at 12:58 PM ----------

    I have actually explored my sexuality and no I'm not bi I am gay. I feel bad because If I were with my ex-wife I would have hurt someone I truly care about and even though I never really loved my baby's momma I put an innocent person through alot of hell she didn't diserve.
     
  11. Markoso

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    Hello, I am new on the EC forum and really looking forward to some genuine exchanges of opinion and sentiments with all of you!

    It's a bit strange, but during 10 years of my marriage to my ex-wife I never had even the slightest problems concerning my sexual performance with her. Quite often I even genuinely enjoyed having sex and general intimacy with her and consequently I regarded myself almost 100 percent heterosexual. I was never in position that I had to imagine having sex wit a male in order to have an erection and so on. O. K., I did have a bit of homosexual experimentation during my teenage years, some homo phantasies from time to time etc. But that was it! Weird, isn't it?

    Eventually, when me and my ex divorced 2 and half years ago (due to reasons unrelated to my or her sexuality orientation/identity), I decided, so to say, to explore the other side of my sexuality. And it's amazing!
     
  12. BiDad3

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    Welcome Markoso

    You've come to / arrived at the right place. I completely relate to your story. The great thing about EC is that we all live our own reality, often with our own unique thoughts, feelings and attractions, but we can genuinely provide support, compassion and advice to others (and often ourselves) without judgement.

    Enjoy your stay!
     
  13. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    Hey there Doglover. I just read thru the whole thread, and it's obvious that you're getting lots of great advice, but it's all really in answer to the question you should be asking instead of the one you did ask.

    The question is not how to stay in a marriage that is a lie, the question really becomes what do you do when you realize it? There are only two possible answers to that question. Continue the lie and sacrifice happiness or be open and honest. Because that is the root of every answer you have received in this thread - happiness, contentedness, satisfaction depends on your honesty.

    Once you decide to stop living a lie there are countless ways of living true to yourself that may or may not involve staying married - just read through the threads in this single forum, you'll be amazed at the world of possibilities, but it all starts with honesty.

    :goodluck:
     
  14. doglover44

    doglover44 Guest

    I just been anger, upset depressed all of that
     
  15. srslywtf

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    I know alot of people always knew, they just didn't want to come out, due to fear/etc...

    But I think in addition to that, some people probably never thought about what they actually wanted... they just did it because 'thats what is expected'!

    I never got to the stage of marrying/having kids/etc, but I kinda just assumed I wanted a girl because thats what I'm meant to want.. then I stop and think about it and realise.. wait I like boys.
     
  16. doglover44

    doglover44 Guest

    Guess I have a giant fear
     
  17. OneSpirit

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    I had two horrible coming out experiences in my late teens (came out as bi) and early twenties. By the time I really came to the conclusion of "I am gay" in my early twenties, I had two small kids and thought it would be easier for them if I lived a straight life. Thought growing up with two moms would be too hard. The last coming out was awful -it was the first time I said gay not bi-- and sent me RUNNING back into the closet.
    Found a man I connected with- same values, same goals, looking for the Disney fairytale, and married him. (He knew I'd been w/ women and "leaned" more that way.)
    I thought committing to a monogamous relationship with him was the same as committing to anyone. (I was asked before my wedding by a friend if I could REALLY go the rest of my life without being with a woman again- sounded daunting, but felt like "of course I can. I am a faithful person.")
    I didn't realize that it would get bigger and bigger and eventually become unmanageable.
    Ten years later it was eating me up inside until I couldn't stand it anymore.
    I love my husband- he's a great man, he's my best friend.
    I just can't be with him.
    I am fantastically lucky that he "gets it"- he is proud of me, supportive, wanting to stay friends. I couldn't be more grateful for that.
     
  18. doglover44

    doglover44 Guest

    I love all the advice here but reading it is one thing and doing it are 2 different things
     
  19. Tightrope

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    Not having been married and not having had kids, I can't answer for myself. However, I have talked to a few guys who either have been through this and divorced, or are still married. Also, I have watched some people interviewed.

    Basically, what I hear is a resistance to change, or an unwillingness to face the unknown. Everything has become ritualized - breakfast, work, dinner, social events, school functions, and errands. The only part that has tapered off, for many, is the sex. For some, sex becomes less important as they mature and the sense of belonging to a family and to an established circle of friends becomes more important, so they live as roommates. For others, there is a feeling of needing to come clean and start down a path that is more aligned with their mental and physical needs. Basically, I've seen that both scenarios can either be amicable or hostile. Staying together can also have this hidden passive-aggressiveness. Breaking up can probably have some overt hostility.

    I'm only chiming in because I know a few people who have told me how it has unfolded for them, and each story seems to be unique, albeit with a common thread.
     
  20. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    Doglover, I don't recall if you mentioned reading around the forum at all, but take some time to read other people's threads and you'll see, there are so many ways of working out the situation you're in, it all just depends on the people involved and what works best for the two of you. I immediately think of two current threads, that not only tell the story of the OP, but many other folks that have been in your shoes tell where they've been too, and it's amazing how much inspiration and courage you can draw from reading these.

    So if you haven't already done so, check out these two, then click around for awhile on your own. There are so many more where these came from.

    Happy reading and my inspiration strike you or (as in Choirboy's case) take you totally by surprise!


    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/1646417-post1.html

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/107483-weird-awkward-scary-done-2.html