Hey Jae and everyone our there, particular men. I highly recommend googling or YouTubing the Ted talk by Bill Pozzobon entitled, "Breaking the Boys Code of Masculinity." Excellent piece for those of us who have stepped out of the heteronormative masculine stereotype box that society tries to keep us in. Check it out. It will be 18 minutes well spent.
Made a commitment to myself, I am attending a men's coming out support group. I'm not sure why but I'm nervous as hell! perhaps it's because I've never openly come out to another man/men. or maybe it's because this LGBT Pride center is so close to my work place and I'm worried somebody might see me walking in. it's kind of ironic, I'm heading to LGBT coming out support group and I fear somebody seeing me walk in and being outed.. Any who, thats my mission this week.. Biposs. great video thanks for sharing! Jae
My first group -- not only had I never been in a pride/lgbt center.... then I had to walk into a group and say, out loud, for the first time to anyone other than my shrink, that I thought I was gay. (deep breath) -- take a deep breath and then do it! (our group leader says -- give us 6 months, we'll give you your life -- and to be honest, I think its pretty darned true) All the best! Congrats for making that commitment to yourself!
Jae, You sound pretty alpha male and alot of us guys that come out later can relate. Your comment about explaining being the big linebacker, made me think you might enjoy hanging out with the bear community for a while. I played college football (center, we hated linebackers lol) and when I first came out I found a home with the bears. They seemed to love all the shit I liked...sports, hunting, rodeo etc. Just a thought.
Rainbowman, thanks for the added support! Hopefloats, Petenj and Rainbowman provided me links to local Pride Centers that have support groups. As far as I can tell these Pride Centers are all over the country, so do a quick Google search for your area I am sure there will be one in your state as well. PeteNj, yup thats exactly how I feel.. lol. fingers crossed! Californiacoast, yeah I am very masculine almost to a fault. So thanks for the info I will have to follow up on the "Bear" community.....
So I did it, i went to my first support group ever last night. It wasn't as intimidating as I thought it would be, in fact the atmosphere was really relaxed and I was made to feel very comfortable. it was nice to be able to let my guard down (as much as possible) and be me. it was the first time that I ever outed myself in front of a group of people and I felt good about it. I did however, chain smoke for a half an hour before entering the building but after the introductions were done I felt silly that I was so stressed out about walking into the building. overall a good experience and I met a really cool group of guys. funny thing is, I had to constantly remind myself that they know I'm gay and I didn't have to put up the walls and watch how I carry myself.
Congrats! Walking in the first time is the hardest... You did it! Now being gay has a whole new meaning -- when you're among a group of guys who have ALL been in the same place not so very long ago at all - and most are truly enjoying life!
I was talking to someone at work today about general marriage stuff (she knows a lot of the history between my wife and me) and I made some reference to the fact that I didn't know how she would react when she found out I was gay. Then it suddenly occurred to me that I had never actually come out to the person I was talking to! I seem to be getting more comfortable with this by the minute, and I'm clearly going to have to tell my wife before it accidentally slips out.
Hella cool, Jae. Feels good,eh? Probably took more balls walking in that room than sacking quarterbacks as a linebacker I bet! Next comes making some good gay friends that you really relate to. I remember lobbying at the Colorado Legislature one spring, and meeting this big butch cowboy guy that I later saw at a Bear Bar in Denver called the Wrangler. I became good friends with him and his partner of 6 years. Turns out he was married for 20 plus years and had two teenage kids before coming out. His wife was so nice to me, as was his partner. I was amazed to meet this really masculine man who had navigated coming out late in life and had his shit together. Bet you make friends like this too and after a while it will just seem natural. ;-)
Greatwhale & Rainbowman, Thank you and yes very liberating! Petenj, thanks for the support!! Yes it was hard at first and after hearing from others like myself that had already walked that mile and made it through I feel more confident. choirboy, I can completely relate. Maybe your slip up with the co-worker is a sign that you are becoming more comfortable with the idea of comming out. It is frightening though, and take your time. I am in a rather odd situation with both my wife and I being gay, but if I can offer one small piece of advice when you do come out to her just remember she is not the enemy. She has feelings and will go through a rollercoaster of emotions be sensitive to her needs she is human and will react accordingly. I only say this because ive seen it happen first hand. I say that not knowing your history and wish you all the best!!! Californiacoast, Hella Yes it felt good... Pardon the "Hella" im not even sure I used it right...lol. its my age "comming out". Thanks Bro
Jae--I am working on that enemy thing really hard. We do have a weird history and in a lot of ways we bring out the worst in each other--she can be very needy, which tends to turn my nurturing caregiver tendencies into over-submissive codependence, and I can be very over-sensitive, which feeds her alpha side and makes her much more of a bully than she is with a more aggressive person. She has a week from Hell coming up so I'm not going to add to it at the moment because it would push her right over the edge. But it will happen, most likely pretty soon, and I want to do it as kindly as I can.
Welcome Jae. I don't have a lot to add, there's been a lot of good advice already. On telling your sons, just bear in mind that they do model themselves to a greater or lesser degree on their fathers-as is natural. So for them (probably more for the older ones) dealing with this part of you could be...not so smooth. It'll have to be open ended to allow for their own adjustment to their identity as well as yours. And it's two parents at once who are changing in front of them, you should anticipate that this could be a tough call for them. So I'm just a little cautious like Bipossible. But I'm optimistic, because the bond and the trust you're forging for the long run is more important, and instinctively what kids look for. They know when they don't have it, and they know when they do. Also Aardvark makes a very good point about becoming more comfortable with yourself before pushing a gay identity. And maybe there's a clue here as to how to begin telling your children, and other family members for that matter.
From my experience , kids come with built in " I wanna be ok " mechanism. With my divorce , my kids were as ok as my wife and I were. No better , no worse. My coming out to my kids ... Same D10, and D13. Just an idea, they wanna be ok, you ... No guilt, shame = them, no guilt, shame. They'll be as ok as you are !
