My son lied to protect me

This is coming for the nephew of a gay man who has nothing to do with his kids. Keep up the good work on seeing your kids. Don't let anyone hold you back from seeing them EVER. You should try and have them over for dinner once during the week. Make them a big part of you life and you will not regret it! Money means nothing fatherly duties come first.

Good luck and I wish you the best!

 

My kids actually passed on taking a vacation this year (which infuriated my wife) because they just wanted to hang at home. All of her detailed, planned-out activities simply wipe them out and they end up MORE stressed than if they just stayed home. My older daughter, who is learning to drive, likes to go practice driving with me for sometimes an hour at a time out in the country, because she loves just cruising around aimlessly with me, no pressure, no plans. And my younger daughter and I can sit on imdb.com and Youtube for the longest time, looking up Wizard of Oz bloopers or funny lines from The Thin Man. My wife sits there uncomfortably because she can't deal with people just having relaxing fun together.

You're a good dad, greatwhale, and you have good kids. When all this settles down, you'll be a lot poorer financially (sounds like you are already), but you will have a richer relationship with your kids because they will appreciate you even more that they already do. Take care.

 

GW, you seem to have a positive outlook, across the board, while your ex was described as being controlling. Maybe hers is to the point that makes her negative, according to posts you've made. What do the semantics of where you went (park, swimming, etc.) even matter to the other household? Your kids probably have a fun time with you. You may have planned out some places in advance to go visit, but the time within those time frames is always unplanned, so that's good. At any rate, as time goes by, they'll form the correct opinion of you, if they already haven't. The spouse who spouts the negativity isn't always the winner. Kids are smarter than that, from what I've seen. And your kids sound smart.

 

As I always said "there ain't no such thing as a Amicable Divorce" I wish this wasn't true, but it is :eusa_doh:

 

If the kids are happy, then....isn't that the most important part? I'm guessing you son did not say "dad can we go here?" and you said no. If that was the case, then I can see the exes "not doing enough" argument. But if he was content to sit and play video games, then....~shrug~ And the fact that he lied to protect you tells me he was a-ok with it.

 

I'm sorry that she is treating you this way and I hope you're not letting it convince you that you are a bad parent. My ex does not have money to go out and spend on our son all the time but you know what? My son runs to greet him when he comes to pick him up and that's enough for me to know that he is doing something right. It sounds to me like your kids love you and you do spend time with them. Hanging around at home is special time too. Your home is as much their home as their other one. Maybe that bothers her and she wants them out and about? Jealousy is a bit of a demon sometimes. You aren't a unit anymore so maybe you've become a rival.

I don't know how long you've been split up but I saw someone mentioned "soon-to-be-ex". It DOES get better. It's difficult to be reasonable in a highly charged emotional situation. Time puts a buffer there after a while. I know that it's hard to be civil to someone that is out of their mind with anger and bitterness but in the end it's worth it. It sounds like you are trying to do the right thing and maybe she'll get tired of fighting if she doesn't provoke the angry response she craves. It works. Worked for me, anyway.

 

We'll just hope they don't "come home" some night you are having a date!

---------- Post added 6th Aug 2013 at 04:43 PM ----------

Seriously, though, it's wonderful you are trying to make some so welcome!

It's funny as I think of it, but my father moved out to his apartment when I was 17. He must have lived there until I was 19 1/2 or even nearly 20. But I never once saw the inside of that apartment. The closest I came was going up a really scary flight of stairs leading to it with my mother when we had to drop something off by the door.

 

By door lock policy, do you mean keys to your apartment? That could be a difficult decision, especially since your kids will be there regularly.

Needless to say, I did not have keys to my father's apartment.

One night probably not long after he bought his midlife crisis car my mother, my father, and I were someplace getting a key cut. I joked that while there we could get a copy of his new car key cut for me. He was not amused.

---------- Post added 6th Aug 2013 at 05:09 PM ----------

I can't remember how curious I was, although I did have some curiousity.

I think I did hear at least a general description from my mother. She was there at least one time helping him move in. In retrospect that help was probably somewhat like someone on Death Row helping the executioner build the electric chair... (She opposed the divorce.)

 

There are some amicable divorces. I've known of a few. They all have their sticking points, but they might be minor and worked through quickly. More often than not, they are more likely to have been child-free and brief marriages. However, overall, they are rare.

 

GW, I've been trying to keep up with everything you're going through. I just don't have any experience in any of this in order to offer words of wisdom.

All I can offer is this: (*hug*)

 

Dear GW, I do believe that post divorce, eventually, it too gets better. Those initial years after the divorce, I could barely be in the same room or utter a word to my ex. Everything I did was scrutinized. I assume she was sending "memo of record" emails to her attorney as often as I was sending them to mine. Things got much much better when we realized we just had to be united for the sake of our kids. School counselors, therapists, etc. never knew we were divorced until we said so. And now, 12 or so years later, we're really quite friendly. She remarried, that ended, now she's with another guy... so that helps too I think. Sometimes we don't even argue about money or expenses anymore (sometimes.... ;-) ).

All the best. Persevere. Hug your kids lots. It'll work out, even if not very soon.

 

Greatwhale

I can only join the others to this post and say that you've not put a foot wrong. What children need and what means most is just the being together. They're the memories you keep as an adult. (having once been a child!). Interesting you should mention swimming. One of my most treasured memories is of swimming with my father in the sea when I was 8 or so; on his back with my hands around his neck as we swam in the sea with snorkelling gear; way beyond where I would have stayed myself. I was afraid of deep water; he was a strong swimmer. I was small; he was big. Nothing was said. We swam, and there was nothing to be scared of. It's vivid to me now.

Your relationship with your son seems sound. It will outlast the bitterness his mother. Just keep doing what your doing.

BTW, thanks for your thoughts on my post.