Realizing Later in Life?

We're all different.

I grew up in a home where sexuality was not discussed. Not even heterosexuality. Otherwise it was to the left of middle. I can remember as a small child saying to my very southern aunt that it didn't matter if the person you were attracted to was white or black or green with polka dots and she didn't know how to deal with it.

But prejudice was not a part of my direct family. I lost my virginity to another woman and about a year later formally to a man. Both are different and so I probably knew by the time I was 18 I was attracted to both.

I raised my only child with another woman. She in turn had a woman as her first love. At her Master's Degree Hooding, her partner introduced me as my daughter's mom, by ex as her other mother, and my ex's partner as her step mother. No one batted an eye.

I've been very very lucky to rarely come across people who are offended by my sexual orientation and religious beliefs. After over 50 years of life, and nearly 40 years of adulthood, I've found that true friends and family accept you as you are. At least for me, strangers are scarier.

 

Thank you both. That's very comforting to hear. May be irrational, but I feel isolated because of this problem, so it's really nice to hear that others have had similar situations and backgrounds. My current strategy is just to be myself and not try to force it or convince anybody and hopefully get less fearful about coming out to scarier people. It's really important to me to be out and I am extremely happy and proud, that's not the issue for me, it's a matter of being frustrated at not being believed when I express my genuine self. It also makes dating difficult, feeling discouraged all around, but it helps to hear similar stories and read so many threads that could be my life.

 

you asked if there were individuals came out later in life - yes. I turned 54 today. and started coming out two weeks ago, Why dont earlier. I live in the Bible belt and main line chruches do not approve. Also, did not want to disappoint my parents. Dad dided 3 years ago and mom has dementia.

 

Welcome you will find that you are understood here at EC no matter what issue you are working through. It is a great resource . My story is similar but I discovered myself in my late 40's after having been straight and married for years. I always assumed I was both emotionally and sexually satisfied with a woman. I realized after my first sexually encounter with a man how much I had missed. The first time I willing submitted to my bf was the most intense, vulnerable, sensual sexual experience of my life. I knew that night I would never be the same. Being with a man seemed the absolutely right thing to do. I felt fulfilled and wonderful. I pretended I was bi for about five minutes but really knew I was 100% gay.
It has been a wonderful experience to find one's self. I wish you the same. I know this the world is getting "gayer" and there are more and more of us accepting the joy of being gay.

 

Tyler1, I identify with that experience of feeling "right" with my first encounter with a woman. It's not that I hated hooking up with guys, I really enjoyed it but there was always something missing. But through the experience of being with a girl I couldn't suppress the thought "Oh my god I think I'm gay!" I still waffle, because I'm not turned off by guys, I just prefer women.

Do you think that this is a common experience for those who can't know for certain what they prefer without trying it out? (As opposed to people who know for sure just by thinking it out before having the opportunity to get hands-on experience.)

 

I was just about 30 when I realized. It took me awhile to understand and fully accept it.

 

I'm 27 in a few days, took me till a month or 2 ago to come to the realisation that I'm gay..

I lived the straight life perfectly, although I never actually had a girlfriend/tried to get one, I had convinced myself that was what I was into. I asked myself 'am i gay?' often, and the reply was no. I was always completely open to the idea of being with another guy, but somehow I compartmentalised that as 'natural curiosity'

 

Wanderingirl, I think you need to experience a same sex situation before you can really determine. You may think you know, but until you experience it first hand I am not sure you can determine if indeed you are gay. I suspected I was gay leaning but until my first experience wasn't sure. Once I had it, there was no denying I wasn't gay leaning I was totally gay. First, it was a little hard to accept that I was gay but that experience was too pleasurable in every way to deny. It wasn't just the physical, that was awesome, it was the connection I had with another man. It was deep, physical, spiritual, and fulfilling. In my case once I totally accepted who I was, my physical attraction to women disappeared completely. Don't deny yourself the chance to find out who you really are. Perhaps gay, perhaps not but you owe it to yourself to find out.

 

I'm 72. I just came out. It was a long time coming, years before I even knew. Only on hearing news of the death of a childhood friend... and realizing that I had been in love with him... shattered the shells of misperception, and even then, it took 4 months to break through. The sense of relief is indescribable.

 

Tyler1, thanks for saying that; I really relate to that experience. Like, until I actually got over my stupid fears and inhibitions (I may have needed to get really drunk) I discovered a way of connecting with other people I didn't know before. With guys it was a very goal-driven experience, with girl it's been just awesome all the way through. I thought I just wasn't one of those cuddly clingy girls. Turns out I can be, with the right person.

DesertTortoise, I'm sorry for your loss. I am glad you figured it out and that you feel relief, some people never figure it out in their lifetimes.

 

Wanderinggirl,I am certainly no expert but in reading your posts it seems to indicate that you might not be Bi but rather just slowly coming to terms with be a lesbian. Don't let other people's labels inhibit you. If you identify as a lesbian, its ok, your world will not end, and other people will continue living their lives as before. The only difference you will be happier and fulfilled. That is what living is about. All I can say is finding my gay sexuality and coming complete out while not easy or always pleasant has been the best thing that has every happened to me. I am jealous of those guys that come out in the teens and twenty as they can enjoy being totally gay and totally out at an early age.
Keep moving forward in your search for the true you.

 

Tyler1, you've definitely got me right, I feel more and more that I might actually be a lesbian. It's really encouraging to hear you describe being out as making you happier and more fulfilled; please keep posting because when so many of us are confused, to have people like you be so positive about their orientation is awesome!

 

Self-awareness is an elusive quality--I mean, we can be introspective, psychologically perceptive, emotionally open--and there still remain aspects of our desire that remain hidden or disguised. That has certainly been my experience. I was a pretty queer little kid. With sexual experimentation in my early teens, masturbating with other boys, that sort of thing-- I was always the initiater, and always trying to push forward to another level. When I was 13 I approached a boy, and was rejected. He later beat me up and terrified me for a whole school year. That, and some success at football, just buried that queer boy. I thought--realizing I was capable of physical courage and permission for controlled violence, that I had come of age. I really was a guy, and not the sissy who got beat up after school--clinging to my best friend and protector, totally unaware until recent news of his death...that I had been in love with him.
When you have strong sex drives, you will find ways to express them. For me, I think of my infatuations with girls... and later, women, as maybe a kind of romantic displacement. It didn't work. The relationships--no matter how passionate I felt in the beginning, always failed, and the price of keeping that queer kid locked up in the dark was years of debilitating depression, anxiety, panic attacks.
Will that all change? I only know the the first few days after coming out, of not once blurtting out "I HATE YOU" to myself... for the first time in yearw! --has felt like a miracle. When that voice blurts out now... it says, "I love you." Telling myself now, you are absolutely, no doubt about it, QUEER, is the most beautiful sound I think I've ever heard.
Where was I taking this... self-awareness--I think we can only ever be aware of what we were in the past, at best, of what we have most recently become. But there is always more. Why it feels so important to press forward. I feel so comfortable, such relief, but there's a temptation to stop there... well, I'm old now. Who would want to love this body? I've done what's important. Maybe it's all right if I don't find someone wit whom I can consumate my desires. Yes, maybe it is, but it's not alright to stop trying, not right to not persist in finding a man to share this love--whether briefly or for the long haul.
Admitting that I'm gay is the best thing that's ever happened to me. But if I don't look for someone to hold and touch and love... it won't be real. It will turn into another form of hiding... playing gay. Just saying that, I can hear those voice warming up for a new set of attacks--to drive me forward. No. No need for that. I'm looking. I will persist.

---------- Post added 7th Aug 2013 at 01:09 PM ----------

Anther passing thought. We were not always pariahs. Beggers at the gate. We were in another time, another world, the shamans, the spirit guides, the wiches and Earth Mothers. I have no desire to normalize my Queerness.

 

I'm younger and am 24 and only first began realizing my sexuality when I was 18. Even now, I'm still trying to understand whether I still want to date guys. I am physically attracted to them but emotionally beyond that Idk.. when I was younger I didn't have very good dates with them and had crushed on them but even so now realize I'm more naturally drawn to women.

Though I really began to admit to myself that I liked girls when I was 22 and even so feel like even coming out to my family ( except my dad), they didn't understand or really accept it. I think honestly it's normal to question later in life. I think socially when ppl around you don't accept it, it's easier to live one way over another.

Looking back I had signs too. I remember being younger and a bunch of girls talking about sexual attraction in terms of guys butts and I didn't get it. I knew from a young age I got attracted to people differently but didn't know why. I think possibly at times I wanted to fit in so I felt like I " needed" to have a crush on a guy at all times, such is middle school pressure though (haha) I can completely relate to the hugging part. I didn't understand it either but I didn't want to hug even girls unless I knew it meant something and even girls who later came out as "lesbian" even kinda figured it out before I knew.One even said I must like "one" of them from the way I acted and later tried to "out" me on a retreat. I found it to be even more intriguing because yrs after I must've repressed feelings or something but I dreamed about the same person repetitively. I even remember being in middle school and this girl wanted me to dry off her boobs and I remember liking it slightly but not understanding why. Even in college, I was randomly talking to some guys and some girls in my LGBT club outed me as "gay" and asked why I was hiding.

Even after that I've tried to be honest with people and ran into a lot of homophobia. Honestly though, since I've came out to more people I'm a much happier person. In terms of how I label myself, I do call myself bisexual although I think like you I'm at the process of really fully accepting myself with it in addition to not caring who I love around me thinks. Just be patient, you will know

 

Me too - but the other way round of course. Although I did try to get a boyfriend, went on a few dates, all failed miserably. It just felt all too forced and un-natural, like I couldn't be myself round these guys. But I'm happy now that I've realised that I'm a lesbian, although after 30 years of 'straightness' it's still sometimes hard to say out loud

 

Wanderinggirl I found the process of coming to terms to be slow. I met a guy and we started dating (I was still seeing my gf at the time) slowly as I spent more time with him and became intimate I realized that this feeling was real. It was shocking having been straight for 40 yrs( or at least thought I was straight). I called myself bi for a short period of time but knew it was a lie. I found the more I dated what became my bf I lost all interest in females. I knew this for me was definitive sign that my sexuality had changed. While I still enjoyed female company the thought of sexual relations just seemed gross at that point. When I finally had the courage to come out it was a liberating experience. Not all pleasant for sure, but it was what I needed to do. I see some comments in the posts that say " who would choose to be gay if given the option",
I can tell you having been both straight and now 100% gay, I would choose to be gay. It for me is fulfilling every need I have as a person. I also disagree we those that they gay is only part of what I am, as I feel that being gay is who I am. I want the world to know that I am gay, I am good with it, happy, love men, as far as I know no psychological hang up about my sexuality and I don't wish to be anything else. I can only wish you the same.

 

Desert Tortoise you amaze me! Your insight and wisdom is an inspiration and I can only imagine what struggles you have had to overcome. I applaud your efforts to come out now. There is a bar here in the Castro area of San Francisco called Twin Peaks where many gay men in their 60s and 70s hang out. I love going there. They don't seem to have a problem finding love and neither will you!

 

I wouldn't condone cheating on your significant other, but I do think that you should ask yourself why you have these thoughts while in a relationship. For me, desires started as small curiosities and as time went on I started feeling more and more attracted to women.

If you do decide to make out with a girl (in whatever manner you think you can live with yourself) keep in mind you may not be attracted to every girl. I was certainly never attracted to every guy, and definitely not attracted to every girl. So just kissing one random girl may not feel the way you expect it to feel.

I feel like I worked so hard at convincing myself I was straight that whenever I thought a girl was attractive, I would say to myself "yea but i can't imagine actually sleeping with her, so obviously i'm not gay." But then I have to think back to before i was ever with guys; I couldn't imagine it with them either, and was not particularly turned on by the idea. I only really realized things through experience, and I'm grateful that I had these experiences.

Maybe talk to your significant other about these feelings, if you can't seem to put them out of your mind. Repression is a terrible way to go. On one hand you don't want to mess up a relationship that's perfectly good; on the other hand, if you really are miserable, you may not be happy until you explore this part of yourself.