So basically, there's this guy I met on my tumblr (it's a kind of blogging site for those who don't know) and he only lives like an hour away, and he started talking to me and like flirting with me and stuff. And he's expressed interest in trying to hang out, and maybe eventually go out with me. And the thing is, he's a pretty nice guy, and I consider him my friend. And in all actuality I probably wouldn't mind dating him based on that (Well, I mean, it's not like we have this super amazing connection or anything, but he's a genuinely nice guy and we have a lot of the same interests and stuff). However, I'm really not attracted to him physically. I'm not saying he's unattractive, just I guess not really my type. And actually, this kind of thing has happened before (although with that guy I didn't really feel like he was right for me to begin with, so maybe it doesn't count). I dunno. I mean, of course there has to be some physical attraction, but sometimes I feel like maybe the range of what I find attractive might be too narrow or affect potential relationships and I feel like a giant, superficial jerk I mean, I'm not overly picky or anything, but sometimes, even if a guy is really nice and we get along, I feel like sometimes it's just me not finding them physically attractive that kind of keeps me from wanting to pursue any kind of relationship with them, and then I just feel bad because that's not really their fault Yeah I dunno, maybe I just needed to rant. I mean, I guess it's not so much about this guy so much as I feel this is something about myself in general that I don't like. I mean, I don't know if this guy is really someone I'd want to pursue that kind of thing with in the first place, but still, it just kind of got me brooding over this.
Well, if you are OK with his looks and think you get on well, maybe you could try just hanging out. Not a date just hanging out. Unless of course the other guy would be against just hanging out as friends. I've found that sometimes I'm not attracted to someone initially, but once I see their personality and hang out with them as friends for awhile, I find them more attractive. FYI: There's nothing wrong with you. You can't force yourself to be attracted to him.
I have heard from many people who are in long-term relationships that often, when they first met the person, they weren't that attracted to them... but as they got to know them more, they found that the person became *more* physically attractive. If you like the guy and get along with him... it's worth it to give it a shot. Beauty fades in any case, but personality, compatibility, integrity and caring... are lifelong traits.
What I would say is this... Just give it a shot! Approach it as a 'friends who flirt' kinda thing. take it slow, and see how you feel. If he needs an answer because of the yes/no way it is, tell him you're not sure (maybe leave out why..) What's the harm in getting to know him? I've been finding recently my attraction extends far beyond what I think of as 'attractive' or 'the perfect guy'
I agree with the others. Agree to hang out with him but make it clear that you're not up for a relationship and you just want to get to know him better. It would be wrong to set up expectations. We could all use good friends anyway, even if an attraction doesn't grow out of it.
definitely hang out with him. i sometimes don't find certain guys attractive, but once i know them better, and i see their personality, they seem more attractive.
Funny you should mention Tumblr, because there's a specific post on there that relates to this topic: (source) Now that's all well and good, but the question of whether the range of what you find attractive is affecting your potential relationships is still a valid one, one I struggled with myself since I'm exclusively attracted to chubby guys. Of course, we can't control whom we're attracted to, as others have brought up. But you can control how actively selective you are. The point Chip brings up about people finding their partners more attractive after they get to know them is a valid one, so the question you should ask yourself regarding this guy (and any future guys) is, is there anything about them that could stop you from potentially finding them attractive in the future? For example, as a gay man, you'll probably never be physically attracted to a woman, no matter how well you get to know her, so maleness is one non-negotiable for you. Separating non-negotiables from preferences can be hard, but it'll allow you to confidently know whether or not it's worth it to pursue something with a guy. For example, for me, chubbiness is a non-negotiable because I have never been physically attracted to a skinny, buff, or average guy. Conversely, for example, though most of the guys I'm attracted to have beards, I have been attracted to guys without them, so beards are a preference for me, not a non-negotiable. So the question then becomes, is this guy lacking any of your non-negotiables? If he isn't, then you might as well go for it.
This is really good. But I think non-negotiables can sometimes change depending on how you are or how you feel. For example, if you're desperate, you will virtually have no non-negotiables (at least for me it is) or very little, but if you're doing fine, you might have more. So I guess you should hang out with him, it never hurts to have more friends. Spending time with people can really change how you look at them. And remember that usually a good relationship, a lasting one, starts from the friendzone. Good luck
Yeah, you guys have made some pretty good points. But I thought about it a bit, and I think it's more like, I wanted to really click with him, because I've never really been in a relationship before, but I just didn't really feel anything more than a platonic bond. And then in addition to that there wasn't really a physical attraction thing going on either, and I convinced myself that was the problem because I kinda really did want to like him. And Owen: What you said actually makes a lot of sense. I guess that kind of applies to me too since I kinda really have a thing for scruffy kinds of guys (like 95% of the guys I've found attractive or had crushes on have at least had facial hair) But actually, it is kinda true that the more you get to know someone, they kind of become more attractive in your eyes. In fact, there's another friend I also met on tumblr a little while ago that I've become really great friends with (and I think we've kind of developed little crushes on each other, but he lives all the way in Florida sadly) and at first I didn't really think anything of him appearance-wise, like he wasn't the type of person I would typically find attractive, but as we've become closer and gotten to know each other better, I've actually come to find him rather attractive too But I guess that's because we really connect on a lot of things and he's a pretty awesome guy. Man, it seems so obvious to me now that it was more just me trying to make myself want to like him because he lived closeby :eusa_doh: But I mean, this is still something I always kind of felt bad about, that maybe I was too selective or something. But thanks for all the responses and advice guys. It's nice to have someplace to rant all this stuff out at even if it's kind of trivial :lol:
Andane. I know your struggle well. I've found I have been very picky with my guys. But I feel that you have to go with what your gut tells you. Can I give you an example? People do what they feel comfortable right? When a child is nervous they have a security blanket or they suck their thumb. they are doing what feels good to them. When a student in the classroom is nervous about a test many tap their pen on the side of their desk. It's all about comfort. If you do not feel comfortable with this person, the whole person not just their looks and not just their personality, the whole enchalada. then this person might not be right for you. I hope this makes sense.
