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A Definite Kinsey-Zero Being Challenged

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by IConfess, Jul 18, 2013.

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  1. IConfess

    IConfess
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    Oh boy...am I in trouble. She knows. It seems that I am not that effective at hiding my attraction...especially when I actively avoid her. Now, she has clearly started to do the same.
    I don't want to feel what I am feeling. This is ridiculous. Feelings are so overrated, especially when they get in the way of accomplishing what we are required to do.
    I am furious! Just furious. I cannot even make eye contact with her without stuttering and blushing like an idiot. What in the world?!
    I wanted this to be the beginning of an exceptional professional experience. Now "this" gets in the way. I don't want anything to come out of this. She has her life. I have mine. At this point, I really don't know...
    I see her and I turn to an amoeba. We are both good people. What does this have to happen NOW and in THIS setting (at work?). OK...I'll sh*t up for now.
     
    #21 IConfess, Sep 6, 2013
  2. biAnnika

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    How do you know she knows? Did you hear from someone? Or are you inferring this from the fact that she *appears* to be avoiding you?

    If she hasn't said anything to you and you haven't heard this from anyone else, then (listen to me here): you don't really know whether she is avoiding you or if so, why.
     
    #22 biAnnika, Sep 6, 2013
  3. IConfess

    IConfess
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    Thanks for your words and your empathetic ears/eyes, biAnnika. I am sorry. I am just venting out of SHEER frustration at handling my feelings. She knows. She hasn't said anything, but I don't need to be a body language expert to see how she clearly avoids me, unless we NEED to convene for work related purposes. She seems annoyed. Today, she actually "managed" a forced smile and a slurred..."hiiii" down the hallway. It's a comedy of errors. I am tired, not productive or focused as I should be...it is so exhausting. She is an alpha woman. Highly competitive and driven, as I "used to be"... until I met her. I am lost for her. Though, I am fighting it tooth and nail!
    I am so out of line. Any words of advice owill be deeply appreciated. Peace.
     
    #23 IConfess, Sep 6, 2013
  4. biAnnika

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    Words of advice *smile*...I'm always good for a few of those!

    Let's start with
    (1) You have no idea what she's thinking. She may well be sensing *something* from you. Or it could have *nothing* to do with you. We all have this tendency to think that people are aware of us, thinking about us...but most of the time (well, past adolescence anyway) we know this is irrational. Further, IF she senses something, you have no clue what it is or how she is interpreting it. She may sense your avoidance, find it annoying or off-putting, and be avoiding you in turn out of a kind of respecting your wishes...or as retaliatory...or...or...it could have nothing to do with you!

    Similarly,
    (2) She has no idea what you're thinking. To my knowledge, you've not said anything in appropriate to her or anyone else. Even if she *suspects* that you're crushing on her, you have *all* the power of plausible deniability on your side...and you need to be prepared to use it if necessary. The way to turn this into a comedy of errors is to open your mouth about any of this...only to discover that (whether true or her own plausible deniability) reality is *nothing* like you suspect, and now you've *actually* screwed up. But it's not even a given that she suspects the truth. If you're avoiding her, there are probably thousands of reasons she could think of for why you might be...and she's type-A enough to resent the hell out of it. Or it could have nothing to do with you!

    And finally,
    (3) Despite delightful stories we like to tell, we cannot control our emotions; only our behavior. You say you are out of line. I don't get that...you sound like you're blaming yourself for falling for a person. Ease up on yourself, dear, and face the reality that you cannot control who we love...when we're ready, we just love. But not every crush is well-aimed for many reasons, and this sounds like one of them. So focus not on trying to "fight the crush" or lash yourself for falling in love...focus on ways to keep your behavior appropriate. If you've faltered at all, it's not in how you feel, but *perhaps* how obvious you are about avoiding her. Keep working with your therapist on figuring out strategies for dealing. Keep your head. And forgive yourself.

    Sincere good luck, Icon. Keep us posted as things develop.
     
    #24 biAnnika, Sep 6, 2013
  5. IConfess

    IConfess
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    in the words of Jane Siberry:
    "...so take a lesson from the strangeness you feel
    and know you'll never be the same
    and find it in your heart to kneel down and say
    I gave my love, didn't I?

    And I gave it big sometimes
    And I gave it in my own sweet time
    I am just leaving..."


    Love is everything
     
    #25 IConfess, Sep 6, 2013
  6. DrWhoFan

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    biAnnika said it really well - maybe she actually thinks you don't like her at all!
     
    #26 DrWhoFan, Sep 7, 2013
  7. Parsley

    Parsley
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    Take a deep breath. You can't be sure she knows, and either way your best way to progress forward from here is to pretend she doesn't know. Just move forward as normally as possible.

    This happened to me at work too. Stuttering and blushing and avoiding and just acting like a darn fool. For an entire year this happened. I was certain my coworker knew. I was certain she had to have seen the blushing. Certain she must have noticed how uncomfortable I became when any LGBT subject came up. Certain she must have noticed how I avoided getting physically close to only her and not any of my other coworkers.

    But I later found out that she had NO idea! Not the slightest clue. She did think I was gay even though I wasn't out, but she thought I had feelings for another female coworker. Me having feelings for her never crossed her mind. Her reactions that I noticed were simply reactions to me being awkward without any thought as to why I was being awkward. She had ZERO idea. I am certain because we have since talked about it--how we got to that point is a long long story.
     
    #27 Parsley, Sep 7, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2013
  8. IConfess

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    biAnnika, Dr. WhoFan and Parsley...thanks for your time in sharing your opinion, experiences and thoughtful advice. They offer support to whatever miniscule shred of objectivity I have left.
    I am still in a state of sheer shock. It's almost like an out-of-body experience. I keep telling myself "...this is bad joke" "...this is not happening". Well. It is. Eeeeeekkkkk!
    Thanks to all the Greek Goddesses for this forum and for all the kind and compassionate souls, like yours. Have a productive & happy week!
     
    #28 IConfess, Sep 8, 2013
  9. biAnnika

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    You're very welcome, from both Athena and Annika!
     
    #29 biAnnika, Sep 8, 2013
  10. Parsley

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    Since this exact thing happened to me I completely understand the panic that comes with it. You're dealing with both the realization that you are attracted to a member of the same sex, and then also the actual feelings of attraction. It really isn't fun at first. But after several months of fighting it, and being awkward and just stupid I did start to enjoy my attraction to my coworker. So, maybe you'll get there too. I started liking Mondays an awful lot! :icon_bigg

    And you're welcome for the advice. Just paying it forward. Almost exactly one year ago I was where you are now, and EC helped me more than I can say. :thumbsup:
     
    #30 Parsley, Sep 8, 2013
  11. IConfess

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    Thanks for offering hope, Parsley!
    Today she just dropped by my office, unannounced. I was so focused on my work that I did not even realized she had walked in, until she was standing right by my desk.
    While discussing work with her, I thought to myself "Good for you...you are calm, collected, having a productive conversation with her...keep it up woman!". Only to find myself, seconds later, licking my lips (which I don't recall ever doing while having a conversation with anyone...go figure)...and her, automatically breaking eye contact, and lowering her eyes.:eusa_doh:
    Oh well...I tried. I was just thinking, how ideal it would be if I had the chance to meet with her over a cup of coffee just to chat away. Perhaps, that could help put my attraction into perspective. But that's not happening any time soon.
    This will be quite the journey! Wow.
     
    #31 IConfess, Sep 10, 2013
  12. browneyedgirl

    browneyedgirl Guest

    You know, this actually happens to me a lot. What I usually do is keep a normal relationship with the person (don't ignore them). Eventually the feelings aren't as intense anymore and I start to feel a lot more calmer and normal. My attraction also sometimes dies down quite a bit and I go back to checking out men. Maybe I'm just weird lol.
     
    #32 browneyedgirl, Sep 10, 2013
  13. IConfess

    IConfess
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    Thanks browneyedgirl.
    It's getting to be quite awkward, unfortunately. It feels devastating like a tsunami...one that has ripped me off any common sense or basic civility when interacting with her. She probably finds my behavior extremely rude, as I avoid her constantly. She is kindly respecting my space, but everybody has a limit, right? It's like "c'mon, grow up!".
    I just don't know what else to do. I am lost. Very lost. What amazes me, it is that amidst all this turmoil, I can still do my work and do it exceptionally well - provided I don't meet with her for a debriefing...
     
    #33 IConfess, Sep 12, 2013
  14. IConfess

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    So... I am back to square 1. This is such an isolating experience...I have been touching base and going on happy hours/dinners with dear (girl)friends I haven't seen in ages, in the hopes of having something "click" and that "click" could bring some clarity to what I am feeling. Unfortunately, I do not have the freedom to share with them why I am going through. Too risky when my job is on the line. If the scenario had been different I might have given it a shot. I really don't know what to I am supposed to learn from this... a lesson in humility, perhaps. She is all that and a bag of chips.
     
    #34 IConfess, Sep 26, 2013
  15. Parsley

    Parsley
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    Do you have any trusted friends that you could speak with that don't know this coworker? Then you could discuss this without the risk of it getting back to her. Also, if you have someone outside of work that you trust enough to talk to that doesn't mean that you need to tell them exactly who you're having these feelings for. You can keep it slightly more general if that makes you more comfortable.
     
    #35 Parsley, Sep 27, 2013
  16. IConfess

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    Thanks Parsley...and to every one of you who have taken the time in sharing advice and experiences in this thread. I was raised to be a factor of change (for the better) in this world...I happened to run into someone who blinded me with her strength and determination to make of this world a better place for all of us. That was one of the main reasons I felt so hopelessly for her, besides her killer looks and amazing blue eyes :slight_smile: She, certainly, has someone she deeply cares for, and she has been nothing but kind and thoughtful while being fully aware of my -awkward- struggle around her. There's nothing left for me to do but to bow out gracefully and move on! Hats off to you and my utter most respect to each of you who have found the courage and bravery to be who you are despite of the world. Much love and peace.-
     
    #36 IConfess, Sep 28, 2013
  17. biAnnika

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    I'm curious about what you mean by "bow out gracefully and move on" in this context. I agree that you need to accept that you can't have her...but I thought you had already accepted that. But your message sounds like a cryptic good-bye...if you feel a need to deal with this alone, I'm sure we'll all understand that...but don't forget that we're here, ok?
     
    #37 biAnnika, Sep 28, 2013
  18. IConfess

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    It's been...wow...almost a year, and the butterflies are still there...
    I have tried to educate myself, control myself and put things into perspective. I have learned about humility and grace and about forgiving myself. I have cried myself to sleep trying to get a grasp of all these feelings. I have felt incredibly guilty and sad when seeing my husband being such a wonderful dad to our little guy. I have felt miserable at work when not being able to focus and excel at what used to be a leader at. I have thought of her at 30, 000 feet above the oceans, during a 12-hour flight home to attend my father's funeral. I have treasured every little gesture of kindness and honest smile on her part. I have tried to be the straightest woman on Earth. In every sense of the word. But my looks, my walk, my clothes, my tone, my gestures, my words betray me...
    AND my feelings for her have remained unchanged.
    I don't blush anymore. I don't find myself struggling to find the right words. I don't feel self-conscious about my reactions around her...It's scarier than that. It is the certainty... the undeniable certainty finally hitting home, that I am in love.
    I am not a romantic. I have never been one, but I when I think back and remember the first time I met her and her firm handshake, I get weak in the knees. What gives?!
    I do not know much about her, except that she is an extraordinary human being...and that she most certainly has a partner, and that I do still have a husband, although not for much longer.
    Sometimes, I have this overpowering feeling that I am not the only one fighting these feelings. I tell myself I am surely projecting and then, a comforting hug, a casual touch, a smile, a look deeper than anything I have ever experienced happen and...I am back at square one.
    Now I need to learn how to be BRAVE. In the words of Maya Angelou "you have to be brave to love someone, because you risk everything...everything!"
    Peace.-
     
    #38 IConfess, Apr 26, 2014
  19. anaisninja

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    I can tell you are suffering. But what you wrote above is beautiful. Sometimes, when we stop fighting, we can finally relax and allow what is, to be.
     
    #39 anaisninja, Apr 26, 2014
  20. biAnnika

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    Thanks for the update, ICon...lovely to see you back (you came back for the cookies, didn't you? *wink*).

    Your situation isn't alien to me. Hopeless love and pointless attraction seem to be a lesson I need to learn at this stage of my life for some reason.

    It's great that you have at least gotten your head, if not your heart, together around this. Part of it, y'know, is that as long as you're ok with the fact that you love a woman, there is nothing wrong with feeling that love. There's nothing wrong with wondering if it's reciprocated either, and as long as it's doing you no harm, there's nothing wrong with soaking up narratives that this is the case. As long as you keep your *behavior* in line until you know more, what you do in your head is beyond reproach. But trust in the Universe that if you're *meant* to know more, it will happen.

    But her aside, it sounds like you're also embracing your sexuality in a very healthy way. Celebrate that accomplishment! Many people never get there.
     
    #40 biAnnika, Apr 26, 2014
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