What Are You Thinking?

I'm sorry. I need more than a white screen with black letters. If that's cold or heartless then I wouldn't be surprised but right now I need someone physically here, but there won't be anyone to take the blade away in time if it happens. I just hope I find a way to keep it moderately clean.

 

hmm, so if your online friend told you that they were sitting there with a blade in their hand, you wouldn't help? Or at least try? Would you say to them 'I am just a couple of black letters, so I won't bother because it wouldn't be helpful anyway?'

The truth is the others can help you and be there for you, but you need to do part of the work too.
Just like the imaginary person I wrote about above. We all need support to do help ourselves. (*hug*)

 

Maybe I just don't want to help myself. If that's the case then it's all hopeless and I should stop trying :/

 

Seems like quite a few people are having shitty days. If anyone wants to talk, feel free to send me a message (*hug*)

On a side note, I need to fix my sleeping schedule...like really bad. Waking up at 1pm is so bad.

 

Maybe you don't have anyone around who would make you think They need me! I can't leave them without helping them.
And that's why I am telling you that cyber friends are not just black letters. They make difference. You can be a cyber friend to someone and make difference in his/her life. And vice versa.

---------- Post added 7th Oct 2013 at 11:08 PM ----------

Hrantou, you are my Prince Charming. I am getting up at 5 a.m. and can't keep my eyes open, it's too late here.

Fugs and everybody who don't feel all right today (&&&) be well and stay with us.

 

I haven't posted since Thursday. I figure I should get round to it, on the offchance that anybody noticed/cared that I was missing (although I have still been occasionally lurking since then).

On Thursday I was being my usual mopey, suicidal self. This was exacerbated on Friday when I was very pointedly not invited to a party that everyone else was invited to. Somehow my best friend who knows all about my problems thought it would be a good idea to leave me alone in the house, so I ended up cutting myself deep enough that I had to walk to the emergency department (thankfully only ten minutes away). They gave me some diazepam to make sure I went to sleep when I got home instead of self harming again. And they said they'd get in touch with my counselling service to rush my next appointment through.

Things haven't been much better since then. I've completely relapsed into self harming, and in fact it's even worse than it was earlier in the year before I managed to give it up. Still feeling pretty suicidal, and I'm starting to realise that nobody in real life is properly supporting me through this, even though more people apparently know about it than I previously realised. I don't know why that made me think it would be a good idea to leave you guys for a few days, but it made sense in my head.

Anyway. Just to let people know I'm still alive. I still fully intend to reply to each and every one of my unanswered messages, although it may now have to wait until I'm in a slightly more stable mental state. If that ever happens. But I love you all. (&&&)

 

Starting Weight Watchers tomorrow with one of my friends... I can't believe I'm finally doing something about my weight rather than just wallowing in self pity like I normally do.

 

Hahah oh Nick. You just made my entire day (*hug*) Tell you what, I will trade you my sleep schedule for your 5am one so I can make my work shifts on time

 

In other news, I'm a fucking idiot. I'm a damn moron who shouldn't talk since I speak without thinking and I fuck shit up. I make one comment and I get shit for it. I do an action last night and I feel like a useless sack of shit.

I'm pretty much useless. That's awesome.

 

Holy hell, I haven't been here for the longest of times!

 

I really would like to go out and meet new people, but new people always scare me.

 

Walked outside to get some groceries out of my mother's car...and I noticed that the leaves are falling off the trees. I've been so zoned out recently that I only *just* noticed. Fall is here. I like fall.

...but I like enjoying fall and winter with other people... :/

 

I just bought men's cargo pants. That fit. Even with these hips (shudder). They actually do pretty well at straightening my lines so I look a bit more neutral.

Also got a button up shirt and a nice soft v-neck for underneath.

And boxer briefs, because they are the superior underwear technology.

So basically, slap a binder on me, trim up my hair and I'm good to GO.

 

My dad texted me.. "Hey left my breakfast in the fridge you can have it." I'm thinking "Yay! I get to eat it for lunch!" I crack open the hard boiled egg.. It's a regular egg..

Thanks dad. :lol:

 

I think Bryar Thorne is stalking me! He read my blog post and says it was about him! It's very suspicious I tell you!

 

Sometimes, I think they do this to emphasise their inability to perform household tasks like cooking and cleaning, thus reasserting their masculinity.

 

I'm slowly knocking things off the list of stuff I need to do. Now the biggest item left is reading the first few chapters in this book for German. The problem is, my anxiety is still acting up, making it next to impossible to focus. It doesn't help that the first page or so of the book is devoted to describing a garden gnome. I'm sure it's a fine book, but it's not what my brain needs to focus right now.

 

I wish my sister would stop trying to make me into her image of what a 21 year old mexican man should look like. I don't want to go to a barber and get a fade haircut and wear big belts and shorts and shirts that cost 90 dollars. I am who I am. I'm confident with who I am now. I don't wanna change it, but she never stops. :dry: ...... :bang:

On a side note, I'm gonna make that appointment and change my hair color today or tomorrow I'm excited for a change, even if it just a hair color.

 

To purchase Minecraft or to not purchase Minecraft,

That, my friends, is the question.

 

It's weird how having body hair makes me feel better