What Are You Thinking?

I really should post on EC more often

 

I'm so horridly exhausted and I don't know why.

I don't have time for this...

 

0.0 Someone rip my arm off?

 

Someone posted this on Facebook. Figured I'll send it around once I start coming out to people outside the LGBT community.

Trans • What?

 

Take deep breaths, Bryan. I'm trying very hard. Things will get better. But dealing with these residual feelings of a love lost and the anxiety of my future living situation... it makes it very hard to remain positive and hopeful when my heart is so sore from being stitched back together so many times. A nice, big bear hug would alleviate some of these negative feelings.

 

-_- Now I have to condition myself to sleep in a different position....great..

 

I don't know why I keep torturing myself by forcing myself to look in the mirror to check if I've suddenly stopped being ugly. Why can't I accept that biology doesn't work like that?!

 

Do you ever imagine doing something random when someone is being annoying... like spraying them in the face with the garden hose or... throwing a biscuit at them... possibly just smacking the bottom of their cup as they go to take a sip?

I sound completely awful right now but I don't actually do this stuff, I swear.

 

Yeah, I feel you there. I mean, I suppose not entirely but I keep vaguely hoping to see a ripped Adonis in the mirror and best I've got's a chubby German girl staring back.

 

(*hug*) It's surely even harder when your body and mind don't match up either. I think dysmorphia and dysphoria look similar in principle but I imagine they're very different experiences. I should know better though, looking in the mirror two nights ago almost triggered a suicide attempt so I should be leaving well enough alone by now.

 

Good news: Despite not having general chemistry for two years now, I haven't forgotten the basics. The assigned problems were wordy and based on dimensional analysis, which is not difficult, but I thought that I would be rusty. I managed to do the first problem set sheet and got all the processes, explanations, and answers correct. Woohoo

Bad news: I was happy to see that my school had an LGBT group at the organizational fair, but I was too afraid to approach their table. I did not want my friends seeing me there. I'm not ready to out myself to them yet.

 

Mental image versus mirror = Definitely a common thread, for sure. (*hug*) Can't be any easier on your end, honestly.

---------- Post added 4th Sep 2013 at 07:09 PM ----------

Dreading coming out. Must I? Can't we simply, as a society, operate under the idea that our children have a good chance of not turning out the way we'd planned?

 

Whovians! I give you this! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdrqdW4Miao

 

Goodnight, EC. I'm so bloody sick and tired that my energy is actually running out. Can you believe it? Sweet dreams, everyone.

ah what the hell... :: hugs for everyone ::

 

Revising my coming out letter again...

I feel so goddamned selfish for doing this. Hit me as I was printing out the draft. Quite literally, I'm killing the daughter they knew and loved...

 

But you're introducing them to the son that they never knew, but will probably love just as much! It would be more selfish of them to expect you to live a lie than it would be of you to confront them with the truth.

 

Well, yeah... True. Just wish they knew the son in the first place in times like this. :|

 

The only consolation I have at the moment is that we haven't had any time to go swimming while on this holiday, so I haven't had to risk my parents seeing some scars that it would really be better for them not to see.

 

Oi.. Moving tomorrow. This is the last few hours I have in this house before my address is officially in the city. Wow. Holy shit. Part of me isn't believing this. But I've had this feeling happen to me all year, so I know for real it's happening.

Also can't wait to start Post class. The teacher says we can go as far as we want.

I've never heard a teacher say that to me. "You can reach your wildest dreams in this class, if you try".

Fuck, yeah.

 

I feel ya. I find myself feeling selfish a lot lately for the same reasons. It really sucks because now that I know, I can't go back, but because I feel guilty, I can't move forward.

Hang in there, bro. I wish you the best. (*hug*)