What Are You Thinking?

>.< how does one get the courage to call around and find a therapist when they are afraid of talking on the phone let alone a stranger.

 

My moods are so up and down... Always either crazy high or extremely low :/

 

And this is why I don't trust people. Everybody lies. Or at least, everybody lies to me. I was so foolish for fucking trusting you. So much time wasted on a lie.

 

So this morning I was sitting in class and, since I've already learned the material elsewhere, was instead thinking about the cute girl sitting a couple seats away. After a few more minutes of reflection on my desires and attractions, I thought to myself that I am a lesbian after all.

I've been through this many times before. So, I made a bet with myself that before the day was out, I was going to have a moment where I was equally sure that I was really straight.

Guess what happened during my computer class?

This is the third day in a row this happened. I'm getting really, really sick of this.

 

My mom said something along the lines of "You know, if Amanda* (friend back home) were gay, I'd approve of you dating her."

Cue realization that in two-three years, I could potentially date straight women. :icon_wink

And said friend I probably would date if interest was mutual.

 

I just swam for the first time in three years

 

And shirtless too, you lucky dog?

 

Well... not shirtless actually. I didn't want people to see the great big gaping scars. But there was no risk of a binder outline etc. The only thing I should have brought was a cock. things become a little more obvious in wet swimming trunks :/

 

Which reminds me, need to get one myself. I'll have the binder by next week. But still. Has to be liberating, considering you don't have the equivalent of a python around your chest.

 

Try to break it into several steps. Perhaps try to write down what you are going to say. Then take a deep breath and tell yourself that in just couple of minutes the stress from the phone call will be over.

 

I am so unsure about how to write this, to make her gay or not... to come out via video now or book in while... how to do this, should I even do this?

 

Most definitely. By the end, the binder becomes almost as bad as the breasts. I was getting back and rib pain, and I could barely breathe. But ever walking around wearing nothing but a shirt on my chest is liberating.

Not that you shouldn't get the binder. I said it was almost as bad, not worse :/ I hope it fits, and works properly. Where are you getting it from?

 

Granted I'm extremely inexperienced when it comes to close friendships in person, but I don't see why someone couldn't begin to feel closer or as if they were becoming so with a friend they've already known for some time.

In any case, I've some idea how confusing it must feel. Though I've not known them as long, there are some people who I've only met within the last year or so that I'm very fond of in a way I haven't really experienced (much) before. So, strange as it may seem, it doesn't seem like a bad thing, especially if it's mutual.

 

It's a tri-top from Underworks. Heard good things from a number of other guys. I'm bracing myself for a crapped out back but hoping to get everything taken care of within next five years.

 

It'll take less than five years for the pain. Let me see... when I first started binding, the first couple of months I couldn't really make it through a day without taking it off. (I also sucked at binding then. Chest kind of turned into a uniboob. That was before I came out, and people probably didn't notice my chest going flat sometimes). Then I got used to it, and started binding more and more, usually at night too, because it was easier to sleep without dysphoria. Then after about eighteen months, it became uncomfortable, so I took it off while alone. And after two years, I was in so much pain I barely left my room so I didn't have to wear it much.

 

A Stranger - Anggun C Sasmi with Lyrics - YouTube

^Sums up how I'm feeling right about now.

 

Yeah. Since I'm not out, I don't plan on binding consistently for more than a couple hours at a time- that'll change in a few months once I'm out and on campus as a transman, so probably will be using it for a full day/several hours at a time. I've noticed sports bras tend to be okay at binding for when I'm not going for a full masculine presentation but I'm dysphoric enough that anything but would drive me nuts* so might consider that and some layers for when binding's out of the question or not out in public.

*still go nuts anyway, but then I just got good at not looking down or in mirrors.

There's got to be a way to minimize the pain though, whenever reasonable. :\

 

Not that I found. And its not just the pain. Once, I went to the gym, and fainted from lack of oxygen. That was the last time I went to the gym :/. I'll start going again when I'm allowed to exercise.

Anyway, sorry, I shouldn't be preaching doom before you even put the damn prison thing on.

 

Nah, it's cool. I'm expecting hell wearing it but figure it's better than dealing with fucking chest tumors.

 

Well, the best of luck to you.