What Are You Thinking?

If I'm not being cutesy with my boyfriend or venting, I'm posting about my interests--and my follower count keeps on dropping. I guess I can't please my followers...can't please anyone really anymore...not even me.

 

I didn't get my schedule today because my school messed up my student file. :| I'll get it the first day though.

 

So much has happened in just 24 hours. Unfortunately, none of it's good. I don't know what it is recently, but my mother is really voicing her dislike for gay people. Just this morning, she saw a commercial for a new show that's coming on NBC starring that guy who used to come on Will & Grace, and I can't get what she said out of my head... "Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay! That's all you hear about now! Just shove it in your face! But I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I mean, the Bible did say that in the last days, people would profess what is bad as being good. Just shut up. Can't stand gay people." I was fuming. I had a retort all ready...but then I remembered. I'm still dependent on her financially. If I say something back, I'll most likely get kicked out and won't have anywhere to go. I don't know how much more of that I can take, to be completely honest. I'm about to pop.

Also, I was out buying some stuff for dinner at my workplace yesterday, and my manager ran into me and said that I'm off on Thursday because they're cutting more hours. They cut me 4 hours last week. That may not seem like a lot to you, but when you're only getting 15 hours of work a week AT MOST, 4 hours is a huge chunk out of my paycheck...and now they're cutting out an entire 5-hour day, which means I'll be working probably less than 10 hours this week...

Last night, before they left for church, my mother was grilling me about whether or not I'd be attending anymore. I can't say "No, I won't," because then the pressure would really be on for me to move out. I just asked her why she asked me that, and she started telling me about "the last days" and how I needed to find God again, yaddah yaddah... I just said "Eventually." I told my aunt about this last month (she's not religious), and she said right now, it's best to just keep pretending you're going to go back since she agreed that my mother would probably really pressure me to move out, if not just flat out kick me out of the house, since I'd be deemed a "spiritual threat."

Lastly, I was watching House last night, and the episode was about a patient who received the wrong treatment from Dr. Foreman and was dying as a result. Dr. Foreman thought she had cancer and started her on radiation, which fried her immune system, but then found out that she really just had an infection in her heart, but the meds for the heart infection had to work with her immune system, which had be fried from the radiation, so she had less than 24 hours to live, BUT THIS IS ALL JUST MOOT AND UNNECESSARY DETAIL. *sigh* Anyway, she had less than 24 hours to live, and Dr. Foreman was asking her if she had family. She said she had grandparents but didn't know them. So he asked her if she had friends he could call. She then said that she had some, but they weren't the friends that you'd call in the middle of the night when something was wrong and that they weren't the kind of friends who'd be there to help you move and whatnot. She said nobody would really care if she died, that the world would be the exactly same as it was before, even though she wouldn't be in it. I then realized something. I am her. My immediate family doesn't care for me. When I come out to them, they will disown me because of their religious beliefs, as would my extended family (since most of them are in the same religion or don't like gay people). My extended family is warmer than my immediate family, but they don't really try to talk to me or reach out to me unless I do so first. That is, of course, unless they want something from me. I don't have any friends in real life. My online friends wouldn't even know if I had passed away or not, and even if they did know, it wouldn't affect them that much. I don't have a great impact on anyone's life. If I were to die or disappear, the world would be the same without me. Hardly anyone would attend my funeral, if anyone, would show up. No one would be hurt or crushed that I were gone. A few people would be sad, yeah, but I don't mean that much to anyone to the point where they'd feel like something important was missing from their life. Whenever I get asked what my greatest wish is, I always want to say that it is to be loved. Because for so long, I've never had it. And when I do, it's always short lived. I want to be loved so intensely, so passionately...by a friend, a romantic partner, a family member, hell, anyone decent. Because I don't know what it feels like to have someone value me so much to the point where they'd even give their life for me, that I'd be able to call them up at 3am, that I'd cross their minds a lot. I don't know what that feels like, to have that lasting, lifelong love.

tl;dr - I'm a depressing ass hat.

 

I know how you feel. (*hug*)

 

I think I'm developing feelings for my straight guy crush again... Just seeing him again since May, he got REALLY hot. He hasn't shaved in who knows how long and he looks sooooo hot with the start of sideburns. I was drooling. Why can't I just find him, but in the gay section? Like he is EVERYTHING, you could possibly want in a guy nice, hilarious, not a Douche, cool with gay people, and buff as hell. I just want him. That's all. I would be 100% okay dying if it helped him. I would be 100% okay killing myself if it was for him. I can honesty say I would take a bullet for him anyday. Ugh, I don't think anyone can be a better lover than him, shame he is straight.

 

Ugh today is not a good day....:tears:

 

Seen a cute butt today

 

As long as I avoid the mirrors, today should be tolerable.

Might write. I've been uninspired but I need to start submitting to magazines. Need the cash. And a foot in the industry. Suppose it can only help me, even if what I produce is utter dreck. But we save that for revisions...

 

You know that feeling when you don't love/like anyone and are so bored your whole life seems so pointless? I'm soooo bored and I have no one to stalk! :lol: Seriously though, I don't feel like doing anything.

 

Best thing (well, only good thing...) that's happened to me today: my exercising is starting to pay off. It's only been a week and a half so there's no visible improvement yet, but it's become pretty clear to me that I don't have to push myself as hard as when I started, and I'm capable of achieving more with the same amount of effort. I'm so pleased about this, I just wish I could afford gym membership and a personal trainer to keep me in shape. I want one of the impossible media-hype bodies.

 

I'm feeling a bit underappreciated. I try and help people on surrounding social networks with their problems. That's just something that works for me and makes me feel good. But too many of these people just take and take what I have to give and I hardly ever receive a simple "thank you" in response. They just want my attention 24/7 and it's seriously wearing me down.

 

The new thread I have just posted contains a video, I could watch over & over again, omg they are cute

 

I absolutely have to start exercising tomorrow and get off my lazy butt. I'm not going to lose the necessary weight just sitting around.

 

I should go swimming at the gym today.

 

The new Gay Joke Thread id pretty cool & funny

 

What in the world...

Somebody please view these photos. I would like some other opinions on these because some of them... I just have no idea what to think.

 

:roflmao:

 

Persona 3 FES.... Y u no have happy ending!?! :tantrum:

Now I'm contemplating my life and thinking a lot about death... Odd how a game can do that to a person...

 

I'm really in the mood for watching some inspiring comedic gay videos on Y**Tube but I know that looking at literally any other gay man is going to drive my body image even deeper into the ground. I'm amazed I haven't developed dysmorphia yet, it can't be far away.

At least this is a happy dilemma to have :dead:

 

Oh work...how you annoy me