An update, mainly to mark what has happened. German guy On Thursday, I didn't see the German guys on the bus, but I was lucky to come late from eating lunch at a cafeteria and seeing the tall German guy sitting alone at the lunch tables near my building, facing the building but not looking up. I almost had a mind to call on him and say something, but I was too afraid since I didn't even know his name. I went inside and saw a booth for the University's credit union near the entrance, which all of I sudden I had a great interest in... I absent-mindedly managed to sign up for an account (which I needed since I still don't have a credit card), but the immediate reason was that I wanted to look at the tall guy through the window. Eventually, he did look up and seemed to be squinting to recognize me, but when I looked again he was gone. This made me wonder why he was even sitting at the table alone. On Friday, I saw two guys from my church coming on the bus to promote the church to incoming students. One of them is a guy who I suspect may be closeted; though, he is deeply embedded in the Church and is now works for our parish (and lives with the priests, lol). It is a little ironic since he is somewhat flamboyant (such as his love for musicals) and even had the red equals sign to support gay marriage (defending it against another student who went into a rant about the parish's supposedly liberal stances) as his Facebook profile photo. He sometimes takes glances at other guys (and me), and I say it's ironic since he had mentioned he didn't like a visiting religious intellectual who espoused progressive views like ordination of women. So, gay marriage is okay, but female ordination isn't?! Anyway, so the German guys also came on the same bus, the tall one said hi to me, and I could tell this one church guy was often looking at them (Who can blame him? They are easy on the eyes :lol. For my part, I was just happy they were near me and didn't feel a need to look at them. I realized my class schedule was not bad in that I only have one class at noon. So, I might miss the tall German guy at the most regular meeting place, but at least I can get on the same bus. Also, at a student retreat for my program, I talked to a third year student who is in the same lab, and he told me the German guys' names! Needless to say, I did my best to search out the tall guy's online info for suggestions on his orientation, but I seem to be out of luck. So, looks like I might as well let him introduce himself. :icon_wink Retreat crushes So, the program I'm in has an annual retreat just before classes, which gives students from different years (who have each joined different departments) to meet old friends and new ones. Usually, most of the students are first years, but there were quite a few second years (incl. me) and higher year students. In my case, it's also a chance to observe a lot of people, which inevitably means a lot of interesting eye contact with guys I don't know. It seems I'm the only gay guy in my year, which at least made things a lot less complicated. I find it funny that the two obviously Mormon guys (both higher years than me) are both people I have suspicions of being gay. Besides them, I don't think any of the older students come across as "curious." It was really awkward to learn that my roommate, a straight guy who is in my lab and whom I consider a good friend (our personalities mesh well), and I would have to share a bed. I have never slept with anyone since I was a young kid. But, I got over it quickly, even when my friend came late from an after-party and slept only in his boxers (it helped that I had my glasses off, so I couldn't see him clearly in any case). Anyway, it was nice to see all the first years, including some I had met during their interviews. Some of the others I didn't know until then were pretty attractive. In particular there was this shy, quiet guy in a tight-fitting green shirt. I got a slight indication about him taking glances at other guys and me, but I couldn't get a full picture. It was a little funny that when we went to a state park for a barbecue, he still had on his name tag. I really would have liked to talk to him. But, appearances can be deceiving. This year, there were quite a few South Asians, including one guy who I thought was effeminate. However, I later saw his FB page had lots of sports related things, so maybe I'm just confused. It's hard with Indians because they are much more comfortable with appearing effeminate than Americans (probably because homosexuality is not in the public consciousness); I often saw young guys holding hands on the streets when I visited India. Besides "Green Shirt Guy", I was also locking glances multiple times with another first year who had a nice slightly large but muscular build (he had huge pecs and nice abs). His blue eyes were entrancing. I was kind of second guessing myself since I had almost immediately written him off as straight earlier while I was playing volleyball with him and others. Church guy So, after church, Church guy was hugging for a long time his girlfriend, so it's likely they're still together. The older guy I mentioned previously (who has health problems) said the girlfriend was moving to Washington, D.C. So, it looks like Church guy still has feelings for her, and I'm slowly getting over him.
everything is getting more complicated Today was the first day of classes, and I was almost late for my only class at noon. Well, it turned out that of all people, "Chino Guy" is taking it with me. After class ended, we talked all the way back to the bus to go back to our building. He seems very nice though likely a Mormon since he grew up in southern Utah. It's funny that once I get to know someone I like, a lot of the mystique goes away as I realize they're "mortal", which is good since our class is 4 days a week. Moreover, when I came back to the lab, it turns out I have been assigned to mentor a rotation student, none other than "Green Shirt Guy". He was nice as well, and it was fun putting on my teacher cap and showing him what I do. I think I kind of overwhelmed him, but hopefully he doesn't mind.
So, this week has been really a blur, and I'm kind of disappointed how little research I got to do on my own. However, there have been a lot of positives. Chino Guy I think I've almost completely gotten over my crush of Chino Guy because his facebook photos show him with either a long time girlfriend or his wife. We often take the same bus, and I am continually surprised how comfortable I feel being next to him when I can tell a lot of other students/bus riders (both girls and guys ) are frequently checking him out. German Guys As for the German Guys, they have been more friendly, including the shorter one who was aloof, on the bus rides, and the taller one never fails to give a big smile and say hello if he sees me there or at his lunch table. I saw them for three days, but then I started slipping behind in my morning routine and often missing three buses in a row. So, I missed them yesterday and today. However, I just remembered an interesting point. The taller guy had said he had seen my picture online, which is posted by my program for each year's class of incoming students. This suggests that he took the time to look up my name online to find this photo. I really wished I could have seen him recently since I wanted to know what he was doing for the Labor Day weekend. Green Shirt Guy For the Green Shirt Guy, things are still a little unclear. As I am his mentor and teaching him a lot about what to do for his project, I have noticed that he is pretty muscular, not overbuilt, but all his clothes are tight fits, and he seems to be a hardcore mountain biker. Yet, he has a softer side since his computer's "sticky notes" had one note on books to order, which included interesting titles like Catch-22 and Dune. He's one of the first people in a long time (at least in the sciences) who seems to be an active reader, which instantly makes him more attractive. Another interesting thing is that I found his page when he did some summer research internship at a school. While his research was mostly on viruses/bacteria, he presented a research article about brain dimorphism between straight and gay men. Now, it could be he was assigned this article since the department he worked in was about biology of the head/face, but it does seem like it was his choice. His facebook page is far from clear; no girlfriends at least in public photos. Anyway, I try to treat him normally since I don't want to make our interactions inappropriate, but he isn't helping the situation with his deep glances with those dreamy brown eyes (lab meeting with him sitting across from me was pure torture).
Hello again to all (or to me since I'm usually just talking to myself in this thread). Things have been progressing and regressing in very interesting ways. Church guy being more comfortable yet still distant So, the last week has been very interesting, and I'll start first with where I left off during the Labor Day weekend. That Sunday, we did not have the regular after church dinner, and so a kind of large group of young adults decided to go to Chili's for dinner. Even one of the priests (fairly young in his 30s-40s max) came along. Church guy also came (I think his girlfriend has moved to D.C.), and I was sitting near him. He was friendly with me and the other people, and we learned that a group of people were going to go hiking on Labor Day. I should also add that we have a night sung prayer service on Sundays as well, which both Church guy and I regularly attend, and this time he sat next to me and called me "buddy", which really made me feel happy (yeah, I know it doesn't mean much). On Labor Day, the hike was nice, especially since I got to see Church guy in some cute basketball-like shorts and a baseball cap (two of my biggest fetishes :icon_redf ), but I was pretty good at trying to think of him as a regular guy. We were hiking up a mountain (just under 12000 ft) that has a fairly narrow trail, sometimes with space for only one person. In some areas, I was near Church guy and talked with him a lot about random stuff like why fruits have certain colors (he was eating a peach, and I gave a semi-technical chemistry answer). I don't think either of us planned it, but we were going at a pretty quick pace down from the summit, and eventually we got separated from the others (there were probably 30 people of various ages from our church who came) as he was describing his love for fishing and I was talking about my love of archery. It was great talking about what we were passionate about one-on-one, with no inhibitions on what others might think. Sadly, I was the debbie downer and said maybe we should wait for the others (there was one older lady who was really struggling). He seemed a little absent-minded when he agreed, as if he was still enjoying our conversation and didn't want to slow down. Later when some people came, he got a crazy idea (to me) to just start climbing up a rock face, which meant showing off his beautiful rear. :lol: Apart from that, he was not as talkative with me when we got down and ate lunch with the rest of the group. Finally, last week he was friendly as well, especially when he brought his Japanese roommate to church, whom I was excited to talk to since I love Japanese culture and practice martial arts. Unfortunately I couldn't sit next to Church guy and his roommate to eat dinner because another friend I have called me to sit near him (I'm probably the closest friend he has because he is a loud and obnoxious; other people avoid him). My biggest grief is that Church guy never responds to my FB messages or even my emails. He sent an email to me and others about a bible study group, which I wasn't really too keen on joining since I don't really want to get too involved when I know I'm gay and not ashamed of it. I sent an email to him saying I have no car and the study group time is bad in terms of getting a bus or train to arrive at the correct time. This was kind of a subtle hint I'd like him to give me a ride, but he never said anything, and maybe that's for the best. German guys issues Since Church guy is either very reluctant or just straight, my main crush has been the tall German guy. Unfortunately I have only seen him a few times on the bus, since it is like a roulette whether we will come at the same time (the buses are every 10 minutes, so it takes luck). I don't even get to see him at his lunch because my noon class means I'm gone whenever he and his friends are eating. However, I think the biggest block to talking with the taller guy is actually the shorter guy, who is almost certainly straight but also not interested in chit-chat. This then makes the taller guy less willing to converse, as well. One time, the shorter guy came on the bus and set opposite to me and completely ignored me besides saying hello and goodbye (okay he had headphones, but come on!). I remember one time secretly hating some random girl who was seated opposite the two seats the German guys normally sit in, such that I was sitting on the same side and couldn't really talk to them. Yet, when she left, I should have moved to that side so I could talk with them, but I just couldn't push myself to do it because the shorter guy would have thought it was weird. The only positive interaction was a rare time that I saw the tall German guy in the evening waiting for the train to go home. He was with an Egyptian student, also a foreign exchange student, and unfortunately that guy dominated the conversation with me during the train ride. The tall German guy was following along, and I tried to keep some eye contact so he didn't feel left out. I'm getting to the point where I really want to hang out with him, but this is so out of character for me since I would never go to parties my fellow batchmates would sometimes announce. If only I could talk to him alone or even get some contact info (I have tried very hard to google him or look on facebook to no avail), then maybe I would have a chance. Chino guy My friendship with Chino guy is getting better, and I'm always surprised at how fast I got over my crush with him, probably because it was exclusively physical attraction rather than my gaydar going off. But, if I ever look him in the eyes, I still fill a few heart pangs. Enter new characters, stage left So, my noon class is in the Chemistry department, and besides Chino guy, a Chinese friend, and me, all the students are Chemistry first year grad students. Most of them appear straight, but there are two guys that seem to be curious, and my suspicions were even more aroused when I looked at their FB profiles. I will call them Surfer Chem guy (he has flowing blond locks and is a rower) and Prepster Chem guy (he has a mild smirk in all his photos and dresses well). My suspicions for Prepster Chem guy started first by his glances at me, and he acts like a metrosexual in his attention to fashion. It's hard to tell since he was in a fraternity, and so he may have picked that up from his fellow frats. As for Surfer Chem guy, my first inkling was seeing how he gave semi-regular lookovers of Prepster Chem guy (whom he sits behind) and other guys. It just seemed a little odd, and then I saw on Facebook that even while he is an accomplished rower (on his previous university's team), he apparently likes Glee and is a progressive in terms of politics. Overall, these are just suspicions that I will try to observe over the coming weeks to see if they mean anything. Also, never leave a facebook profile open on your phone. :eek: Just now I accidentally sent a friend request to Surfer Chem guy with my elbow (I was just trying to make sure my reference was correct!), and I quickly cancelled it. I have no idea if he got the notification, and tomorrow I'm going to have to find an excuse for why I was looking at his profile, even though we have no mutual friends, and "accidentally" sent him a friend request... :bang: green shirt guy For Green Shirt guy, things are still a little awkward, but we have a job to do, me as the mentor and him as the student. Though he talks a lot about his love for mountain biking (he used to work at a bike shop) and sports, I am always surprised at his more sensitive side. Today, he had on his screen the Wikipedia page of the composer Respighi, and I immediately said his Pines of Rome were great (that is probably his most famous piece). I then learned he had played in band, which made me like him even more. But, again I can't jeopardize our mentor/student interaction by getting too chummy with him while he's still rotating in the lab. I might send a FB friend request later.
the voyeur Unfortunately I haven't seen the German guys at all this week, not even at their lunch table, which makes me sad (and a little apprehensive that they've gone back home). However, the main reason I'm posting is that I saw a very bizarre thing while on the bus. A guy, looking not obviously flamboyant or gay, was surreptitiously trying to take a photo of another guy sitting across from him. I could definitely see the animation that occurs on iPhones when a photo has been taken. I was kind of shocked that no one else noticed him, and he seemed to be very slightly smirking after achieving the shot. Moreover, I saw the same voyeur today when I went with a friend to each lunch at the cafeteria near the dorms. I couldn't help but observe him, and he seems to be fairly straight acting; I would not have suspected him without this knowledge. It just goes to show you that there are probably lots of these guys floating around who can pass very well. chino guy the flaunter Don't you just hate it when hot guys act obliviously cute?! Today, I was studying from the textbook of Chino guy, and he was looking nice in his trucker hat when all of a sudden he stretched up his arms, and I could see his stomach and bright orange shorts under his pants. At first I thought it was boxers because he was sagging a lot, even from behind as he walked away, and it was a big struggle to not stare and keep up the appearance of not caring. Eventually, he just took off his entire pants (the orange shorts were actually knee length), apologizing for the awkward appearance (I wasn't complaining!) and explaining in the process that he wears them over shorts while working in the lab. chem guys Luckily the Surfer Chem guy did not appear to see my FB request before I cancelled it, or at least he didn't pay me undue attention so I didn't bring it up. It is interesting observing his interactions with Prepster Chem guy; I admit I am playing matchmaker in my head since they are now FB friends and, if both closeted, seem to like each other.
Your story resonates with.....well its my story, only continents away and being experienced by a physicist .....keep us updated
Thanks. Anyway, I have some interesting updates. German guy sat next to me! So, this week, I finally saw the German guys, initially just seeing them eating lunch with their coworkers. Since I'm gone for class at noon, I only see them as I'm coming back to my building (and usually going to get lunch at a nearby cafe first). I was walking with Chino guy and my Chinese friend, and I could tell that the tall German guy was spending more time looking back at us walking than the rest of the people on his table (i.e. we were coming from behind and at a higher elevation since the building and lunch tables are kind of dug in a slope). Next, for two days I caught the same bus with the two German guys, but it was too crowded to talk to them besides saying hi/bye when coming to a stop. Also, I feel like the tall German guy can't be himself near me when the shorter guy is around (which is almost always). My suspicions were correct when today the tall guy was alone and made a beeline to sit next to me on the bus. I was smiling a lot, and I think he was too, and I tried to learn as much as I could about him and his experience in Utah. We spent the whole time talking, but I was really sad to hear he only has 6 more weeks. Actually, it seems I am always crushing on guys who are leaving: the high school guy was 2 years older than me; Church guy is graduating in December; and now this German guy is leaving so soon. I kept wishing I knew his facebook page to divine his orientation. So, I pulled my little ace card in that I had previously talked to the Egyptian student (who is in the same lab with him and also for an exchange program) who said he wanted to find someone to take over his apartment lease. I had declined to him initially but said I might notify my fellow students about this new listing. Instead, I used this to ask the German guy if he could give me the email address of the Egyptian student, which he was happy to do. It was kind of funny that he kept getting my email address a little wrong (probably didn't get my accent in spelling out the letters) while trying to enter it on his phone, such that I started typing part of it myself. It was exciting to say the least that we were almost touching... :icon_redf However, I got a tinge of grief when I saw a similarly-aged girl as his phone's wallpaper (girlfriend? wife?! sister?). So, I think my next plan is to try and talk with him as much as possible, even if that means coming out of my shell and moving to sit near him even if the shorter guy is also there. Chino guy is married I found this out after seeing him play with his wedding ring. I commented that he should be careful about losing it, and he said this was actually the fourth one! His wife must be very patient. Anyway, this kind of makes me more comfortable being with him so often. As I mentioned before, he is like my "bait" to see which guys are a little too curious with their eyes. :icon_wink Church guy actually responded So, Church guy used to live in Boulder, Colorado, where there was extreme flooding last week. I sent him a FB message about whether his family/home was okay, and he actually responded (thought it's awkward since I (and he if he didn't delete them) can see my previous not replied messages, including the one that started it all way back in June). During the short conversation, I shared a link to an article related to his field, and he posted the link on his own page. Later, on Saturday when I posted I had my first experience with kendo (Japanese fencing), he was the first to "like" it. Anyway, he was acting nice to me during the dinner after church, so I can't complain much. A new crush?! Gamer guy So, besides Church guy, I have had suspicions of another guy at church, the one I mentioned previously was kind of flamboyant (loves musicals) and had posted the red equals sign as his profile photo once. Anyway, I will call him Broadway guy because of his extroverted personality. This semester, he has kind of brought along a friend who in any other circumstance I would consider as very stereotypically gay due to his metrosexual look and mannerisms/voice. Broadway guy sometimes takes a long look at me from afar. Anyway, my real new crush is not any of them but someone I just met during the Sunday dinner, a sophomore transfer student from Illinois who is studying video game design. I'll call him Gamer guy. He sat across from me and was very friendly by showing interest in my work (some undegrads get overwhelmed). Eventually we started talking a lot and getting into random films/books that we both liked, which was making me fall harder and harder for him. His adorable eyes behind his glasses, which were kind of cloudy due to bubbling of some protective coating over the lenses, were always drawing me in. Eventually, Broadway guy and his friend sat next to us, but still it felt like only me and Gamer guy were talking to each other. Chem guys The chemistry guys seem to be the same as always; though, now I don't really suspect Surfer Chem guy as much (but that may be because he acts so "straight"). Prepster Chem guy can't help but act less macho, so he is more confusing. Overall, however, I have often observed him looking deeply at Chino guy (not just his face but down there... ). I should say that our class room is very small (only ~15 desks) and wide, not deep, such that Prepster chem guy sits at the front left of the projector and I'm usually at the front right. Therefore, he is often looking from the side, though, it's sometimes hard to tell if he's looking at me or the professor's desk.
Small update: German guy So, like always, I procrastinated with some homework and got on the bus late, so I was pretty sad I missed the tall German guy. I felt the same way waiting alone in the evening for the train to go home. The sun was setting, and just before the train was arriving, I could see a guy running from the bridge (which passes over the train stop and a busy street) to try and catch it. Even from afar, I was pretty sure it was the tall German guy, so I waited before entering the train until he caught up (the train stops for less than a minute and won't open doors for those who are late), and we both went into the smiley mode again (though he was winded) as he sat across from me. I like to imagine he rushed to catch the train because he saw me (just like when I was rushing the last time and he kept the train door open for me). Through our conversation, I found out he was gone the previous week because his parents were visiting, and they had gone to famous parks like Yellowstone. He told me he's been to all the national parks in the state (there are 5 plus the Grand Canyon just to the south west), so I can tell he's outdoorsy. He asked me what my plans were for the weekend, and I said the "usual" of martial arts, and he said he had no plans. I wasn't really sure if he was trying to hint at something. We had talked about eating (we were coming back at 7, so both hungry), and I let slip that I had observed him always bringing his food. When we reached our stop (he lives right next to it in a small apartment building), I asked if he wanted to go get some dinner at a restaurant. He declined, saying the shorter German guy likely had something ready (not him again!), so we said goodbye. Later that evening, I was kind of desperate since I remembered he said he had nothing to do, and there are only 5 more weeks before he leaves. So, using the email he provided, I sent via my personal email an invitation to go to a classical music concert. He declined that too, though he said he is not into that genre and still appreciated my invite. I should have found out more about what he's interested in before asking, but there is only so much you can talk about on a 7 minute bus/train trip. Anyway, my two fairly direct invitations seem like pretty obvious hints I want to get to know him more than acquaintance, so I need to observe him carefully to see if he's straight and getting suspicious or if he really is "curious". Green Shirt Guy I forgot to mention him before, but things have been going well even though he works close to me. This week I've been trying to avoid helping him too much (since I know more efficient methods) because it was seriously affecting my own work. He is a quintessential athlete in being so excited about getting ski equipment. Another rotation student in the lab, a girl who is friends with him, made some quip about him looking attractive for girls in his mishmash of equipment. While we were all chuckling, I couldn't really tell if he was that excited about attracting girls. Anyway, today he sent me a friend request, which I accepted. Looking at his photos, I can't see much about potential romantic relationships besides his H.S. prom date, though his love of sports is clear. He seems to have placed highly in some mountain biking competitions, and his huge legs are testament to that (and probably skiing). Church stuff So, Church was normal, and I saw church guy at the dinner, though he never sat next to me and we didn't talk or even say hello. Today I was dressed nicely in a polo and new khakis. Broadway Church guy was also there with his suggestive eye contact. Unfortunately, Gamer guy, whom I met last week, wasn't there. Voyeur This is just a little aside, but one time on a crowded bus with Chino guy and my Chinese friend, we couldn't sit together, and lo and behold I was sitting next to the voyeur guy I have mentioned previously, who I could feel was trying to get a reading of me. He had no sense of personal space such that his shoulder down to his legs were clearly touching mine (I couldn't really close them because my backpack was in the way). I did pretty well at never looking at him and trying to ignore him; I kind of regret that I saw him as a voyeur first, which makes me think he's always a creeper.
Hello my silent readers (sometimes I have a paranoid suspicion one of my crushes will visit EC and read this thread, but que sera, sera)! German guy heart pangs So, things have been warm and cold with the tall German guy. Every time we met this week, he has come and sat next to me on the bus instead of his usual position. The shorter German guy gets tugged along, LOL. One day, he and I were talking the whole length of the bus ride, and I kind of felt sorry for leaving the shorter German guy out. The next day, there were two open seats in front of me (I should mention that most of the bus seats are along the sides, not in rows), but instead they sat to the left and right of me, and I got a good conversation out of the shorter guy. Every time I would turn to look at the tall German guy, he would give a big smile. Interestingly, on that same bus ride, there was a very attractive guy dressed like a fashion model in boots and a fancy coat, who was waiting with me at my bus stop. I wasn't sure if he was just a metrosexual or gay; he seemed to be following a conversation I had with a girl also waiting at the stop about art conservation. Anyway, that guy was also following my conversation with the German guys. I've become a little bold since I remembered how electrifying the Voyeur guy was when he was touching my legs, and now whenever the tall German guy's and my legs touch, I have tried to stop reflexively pushing it away. That combined with his brown hoodie makes him almost irresistible; I keep fantasizing about just touching his hand or even his shoulder. Sadly, I did not see the tall German guy on Thursday or Friday to know his weekend plans, so I'm sitting home alone knowing that there are only a few more weeks before he leaves. At least now that I'm taking kendo/iaido classes Saturday mornings, I feel like I'm being more productive. It's sad since he lives just half one block away. :tears: I really need to friend him on Facebook (I already checked to see if I can search by his email...) other suspicions So, Green shirt guy continues to play the slightly coy eye contact game with me, and I envy how outgoing he can be with the other rotation student girl (who, if I was straight, would totally be crushing on because she's very cute) and straight guy friends from our program. Then again, the same could be said for the two Chem guys, especially the Prepster guy who was part of a frat. Our class had an exam on Friday which was pretty tough, and while randomly looking up Prepster Chem guy's name, I found his Instagram page, which showed him with Surfer Chem guy and two girls from class at a bar Friday evening. It seems in addition to being a musician, he is also an artist. He doesn't pay much attention to me (except that he knows I'm one of those guys who will be staring back), so my main suspicions are still fueled by how he looks at Chino guy. Actually, one day was a little weird since the girl that sits next to Prepster Chem guy may be into him because she was looking at him, but he was looking at Chino guy. It was strange feeling knowing that I'm thinking about a person thinking about another person thinking about... you get the picture. This happens to me so often that I think people are shocked when I seem to be reading what's on their mind.
emptiness... So, today, I missed the German guys on the bus this morning, and I was focused mainly on work and my class. The two chem guys were there, and now I'm not really sure the Surfer Chem guy is curious since he seems so straight acting. The Prepster Chem guy continues to play the eye contact game. Also, the girl who sits next to Prepster chem guy was chatting up Chino guy by asking what he does, which I thought was kind of interesting (he attracts all the guys and girls!). I should also mention that last week we had a research symposium with lots of talks and a dinner with faculty and students. I sat next to my lab friend (the guy I mentioned I shared a room at our student retreat). The dinner was average but it was interesting that one of the upper-year Mormon guys I suspected was gay came and sat next to me and my lab friend (they were both in the same batch though now in different departments). My suspicions are mainly resting on his noticeable lisp and apparently being single (at least on FB), which is even more unusual for Mormons (they are very much like Indians in having "early" marriages). He was very friendly and introduced himself; eventually he actually gave me and my lab friend a ride back to our research building after the dinner (yeah, that's what hardcore scientists do, LOL). He has a ring on his right ring finger which is kind of confusing in its meaning. Anyway, this evening my research wasn't going well and I was having a slight headache (which I very rarely get). So, I decided to leave a few minutes early (I don't have a schedule, but I try to put in at least 9 hours). As I got out, I was excited to see the tall German guy also heading to the train stop. I walked somewhat quickly and it was a good 2-3 minutes where I kept wondering what was going on in his mind, if he ever thought about me during the weekend. As expected, he was happy to see me, asking why I wasn't at some seminar (probably something not in my department). Later, I got around to asking about what his favorite sports were, and he said tennis and soccer. When we were standing at the stop, he mentioned that it was sad he would be leaving in a month, to which I could only agree. And then he mentioned the word I had been dreading: girlfriend. His girlfriend is in the same program and also an exchange student in Canada, and he said that the only reason he wants to go back is because of her. All I could say was a polite agreement about his reasoning. Inside I felt empty and couldn't even bring myself to my normal mood of carrying a conversation when things become awkwardly silent. I kept second-guessing all our eye contact, especially on the train when he mentioned he had seen my picture in one of the chemistry buildings (this was news to me). Later when we got off, he said he looked forward to seeing me on the bus, and I said sure. Whenever I'm walking or doing something, I usually have music playing in my head to the point that I don't need the radio or an iPod to be thinking about a song. I like to entertain the idea that I will be a composer/biochemist like my idol the Russian Alexander Borodin. Most recently, I've been on a fix of Ralph Vaughn Williams, and English composer, especially his The Lark Ascending for solo violin and orchestra. It is a beautiful lyric masterpiece, so full of emotion that really resonates with my current feelings. The moment I heard the tall German guy say he had a girlfriend, all I could hear in my head was the point at 10:10 in the video, a powerful climax. Enjoy! [youtube]ZR2JlDnT2l8[/youtube]
Hello my wonderful readers, I have some updates: German guy blues So, I still haven't gotten over the tall German guy. I started staying up till 1-2 AM and messing up my sleep schedule, which meant that I never was able to catch the early bus at 9 to see the German guys. In a way, I was doing this subconsciously (one day I just sat there and looked at the bus tracker and chose to wait 20-30 minutes for the next one) to avoid seeing the German guys. However, this is bad because I only start work at 10, and then I have to leave around 11:30 to go to my class. And yet, on Thursday and Friday, I briefly saw the German guys as I got off the bus (it was crowded so I didn't realize they were there at first). I felt so sad that the tall guy didn't seem to recognize me. Normally, I would have been despondent and depressed, but I decided for my own sanity, I need some form of contact. So, I used the same email and told the tall guy I was sorry we never got a chance to talk on the bus, using the premise about whether he had made currywurst (a kind of "fusion" street food where curry powder and ketchup is used as sauce for sausage) to not make this seem very awkward. Well, today, he responded with essentially a me-too reply (lots of smiley faces), and he said he didn't see me. So, this may be another indication he's just a friendly straight guy... observational chemistry So, the Prepster chem guy really is very intriguing in how he sometimes makes glances at me or Chino guy (whenever he sits in the front). I'm actually surprised that he doesn't look to his back left at Surfer chem guy, who is less likely to make overt glances at other guys. Prepster chem guy often has that slight pouty face that makes it hard to tell what his emotion is. Church things Today Church guy talked to me and was genuinely friendly as I asked about his project to wrap up before doing his defense and graduating. One time I pushed myself to look at him unceasingly for a good 5-7 seconds as he was talking to me and a mutual girl friend (the one who came through the same program with me). But when I observe him looking at her, his gaze often gravitates toward her chest (she would be a total catch if I was straight) versus her face, so I'm not sure if that's and indication of him being straight.
If by up you mean down, then I agree. But, I'm a person that quickly tries to rationalize and "get over" things. Working a lot helps in avoiding thinking too much about what could have been. Small updates: German Guy I have had the pleasure of seeing the tall German guy every day in the evening at the train stop, which is great because the other guy isn't there to put a damper on the conversation, and starting in two weeks I'll be having an early class and not ride the bus. Today I didn't get to talk to him since I saw another friend previously. I can't help but smile a lot when I "see" him at the stop, even though I know within a second or less while coming up whether it's him and I try to stem my eagerness by looking at the ground as I approach. Anyway, it's always interesting to talk with a foreign student about their experiences. I really need to just assume he's a friendly straight guy who may have been sending mixed messages since he is missing his girlfriend. It seems I have a bad habit of crushing on guys that girls would consider "total boyfriend material". Green Shirt Guy Speaking of boyfriend material, Green Shirt Guy definitely fits the bill. He is such a sweet and decent guy, and it's awesome that he is an avid reader and likes (some) classical music in addition to his impressive athletic ability. Moreover, he seems to be a clever cook, always bringing his own lunch including fairly exotic things like quinoa. I've had a lot of fun teaching him my work, which since it's heavily dominated by computer programming had a huge learning curve for any scientist. It's very sad that his rotation is ending this week; I thought it was nice that he mentioned he still has card access to my lab. Now the hard part is keeping in touch with him, which being FB friends will surely help. Chem guy Something strange is happening with Prepster Chem guy (Surfer Chem guy is the same as always; much harder to pin down). He hasn't been paying much attention the past few days (not even writing down lecture notes), even limiting his glances at me or Chino guy. As an aside, the only problem with being friends with a very hot guy is it's hard to know if others are looking at you or just averting their gaze from him. I know that the girl I mentioned was chatting up Chino guy previously definitely has a thing for him as she was asking about studying together, to which he was again trying to politely turn down. She sits next to the Prepster guy, and sometimes she notices him taking glances in my direction. Anyway, I wish I was closer friends with Prepster Chem guy to know what was wrong. I think he got a haircut on Monday, but I couldn't find a chance to compliment him. His avoidance of eye contact in turn made me go slightly crazy in my infatuation with him even though I normally would have been intimidated by his frat/prep appearance. Yesterday, I was agonizing on whether I should send him a FB friend request even though we've hardly spoken to each other. Today, he was staring listlessly straight ahead (the room is very narrow so he's only a few feet from the chalkboard), and yet after class, while everyone was traveling up some stairs, he (being near the top) looked down at me twice (but Chino guy was next to me and I couldn't know for sure! :/ ).
Tiny update: the plot thickens (or the agar sets... ) So, the fellow female student to Green shirt guy who was also rotating in my lab recently became Facebook friends with the two Chem guys I mentioned. It seems all of them are taking a research ethics class, which I took last year. Anyway, I also realized either today or yesterday that I had seen through my lab window the two Chem guys and some others I recognize from my Chemistry class as they were going to this ethics class. I can't believe I never saw them before (I had an intense urge to "happen to be outside" and cross paths...). Moreover, Green shirt guy mentioned talking to some chemistry students in that class, and it is highly likely he met them along with the female student. I really wished I could have been an observer for this interaction since it would have meant 3 potentially closeted guys met with at least some awkward eye contact. I keep thinking Green shirt guy and Surfer Chem guy would make a good couple since they're both athletic and health conscious (the Surfer guy will eat raw vegetables before class and then down them with tea he brews in a canning jar). So, this week is fall break, but all I'll be doing is working in lab... The week after, I'll have a new class, still with the Chem guys. I need to figure out if I'm ever going to send a FB request to the Prepster Chem guy. His "internal struggle" eye contact with me makes him irresistible.
Baby steps: So, last week was fall break, but I spent my "break" working in lab. I did manage to sleep in every day, to the point that I was coming in at 10 or 11, which meant I came home at 7 or later. So, I ended up missing the German guys every day and never even saw them at lunch. Both Green Shirt guy and Prepster Chem guy posted pics of them going hiking with friends at some national parks. There were some international students from India that went along, including one chemistry guy who was in both groups! I was a little jealous of him for getting to be so close to both of these guys. However, today was nice. I saw Prepster chem guy in class, though I was 10 minutes late and his old seat was actually the only one available. He smiled at me after class, but we didn't talk afterward (Chino guy is always in a rush to catch the bus back to our research building). Moreover, I also saw the tall German guy. Actually, I was going to catch a shuttle to buy some music concert tickets, but all of a sudden changed my mind to get lunch first, and I saw him eating lunch outside with his labmates, so I talked to him. One of the other people, the third year student I met at a retreat and from whom I first learned the German guy's names, seemed to have forgot and asked how we knew each other. The tall German guy mentioned my question about asking if he spoke German, and I was quick to "explain" that I like to guess people's languages. So, the tall German guy still remembers the first time we talked. But, it is bittersweet since he is "effectively" straight. I just miss my conversations with him. Also, I finally did something for entertainment, going to a classical music concert that I learned about only yesterday. I had a strong urge to invite Green Shirt guy since he likes at least some classical music, but the timing was just not good. I'm mentioning this because at the concert, I saw this little boy, less than 10 years old, playing with some little girls; they all seem to be children of the musicians (it was a community orchestra). This little boy is very effeminate in his speech and mannerisms, and I couldn't help but think how I might have resembled him and how he will grow up in a hopefully much more tolerant society. I sometimes get really nostalgic; I kind of felt like I wanted to protect that little boy from any hateful words or people who would try to stifle his individuality.
Hello all, Unfortunately, I'm really back at square one with all my crushes. losses The hot German guys left Friday, and I didn't even get to say goodbye to the tall one. However, now I can finally start going early to lab, and hopefully come home early as well. In addition, Green shirt guy finished his rotation, and he didn't respond to a simple question I asked through a FB message (having the "read receipts" feature is a double edged sword). Unfortunately, I think I may have friend-zoned him too much. chem guys So, I was very upset when Prepster Chem guy stopped coming to class for almost a week. All I could think was he might have dropped, but I noticed he had some pics posted on instagram (looking like his frat brothers). What's worse is that the professor makes us do group problem sets, so we're always busy, and she moved us to a computer lab, so we can't really see each other in class. I didn't realize how much I missed him until he had been gone. I do see Surfer chem guy, who is good-looking as ever with his flowing locks, but is very hard to tell if he's closeted, which seems less and less likely (for all my crushes, I make a mental checklist of gay vs. straight signs). My main issue is that I have an irrational desire to send Prepster chem guy a friend request, but that would set into motion a series of events (Surfer chem guy would know and get suspicious since I'm more of an acquaintance). humor I guess my landlords think I'm straight because the wife recently quipped she thought she saw me walking with a "cute blonde girl" who had a little dog. I was confused until I realized she thought the girl might have been my girlfriend. At least since I didn't know what she was talking about, I could convincingly deny it, but then I couldn't help myself and said maybe I should keep an eye out for that girl, which made her laugh and proceed to give an more detailed description. church stuff Last Sunday, Church guy actually sat facing me during the dinner and was nice to me, even suggesting I should do No Shave November (I already have a small beard), mentioning that "it would look good on you." Needless to say, I was very flattered and tried to avoid letting this compliment go to my head (and fanning the leftover embers of my crush). Moreover, he keeps getting closer to the female grad student who was in my program; she grew up in the same area of Colorado he went as an undergrad. I think she likes him, as well, so I think I'm just going to believe that he likes her to help decrease my crush. I feel bad hoping he will leave soon (he's now pushed his thesis defense to January...) so I can finally get over him.
quick update to myself love rectangle?! It's kind of scary how I can sometimes deduce why things happen. I'm almost certain that on Wednesday, Green Shirt Guy became Facebook friends with both of the Chemistry Guys... The reason is that this was probably the last day of the research ethics class they are all taking, along with the female student who has been friends with all of them. All this has done is made my gaydar beep louder for these guys. stalled Unfortunately, Green Shirt guy has not responded to two "normal" messages I sent him on FB ("read receipts", where it gives the time someone read your sent message, just makes this even worse since I know he saw it), and since I never see him anymore, I'm feeling like he is a dead end. This makes me question all our interactions. Was he just trying to figure out if I was gay but not actually interested in me? or maybe not In contrast, Prepster Chem Guy has resumed his sometimes deep looks. Honestly, since he does this frequently with other people, it's really hard to judge what he's trying to convey. For example, on Wednesday, I was early for class and sitting outside the narrow hallway as other students filed in to also wait. Surfer Chem Guy passed me and was talking to his friend, but Prepster Chem Guy stood off on the edge, across from me, not talking to anyone and seeming preoccupied. At one point he just started reading a poster on the wall. I felt an urge to talk to him, but I just couldn't find any real icebreaker. Yes, it's pathetic that I have "known" and spoken to him before, yet I am tongue-tied. I think Surfer Chem Guy's presence makes it difficult since he is very observant of Prepster Chem Guy. It's-a me, Mario! So, I randomly had to get some lab supplies from a stockroom I'd never been to today, and it turns out the person working there was a cute young guy I'd previously seen on the bus with an interesting moustache and who often wore a red cap, looking just like a hot version of the video game character Mario, LOL! I think he recognized me, but our meeting was very brief because I had to go for a seminar.
Hello everyone, and by everyone I mostly mean myself. The Tall German guy responded to my belated goodbye email (Mac Mail decided to not play nice with Gmail accounts precisely when he left, so I had to resend it 2 days later). He was sweet in saying he'll keep me updated, but there isn't much hope (and I would never want to pursue him if he's in a relationship). Chemistry So, Prepster Chem guy's staring contest with me continues, and it really makes me fall for him. His looks are very much like the high school guy from the summer, a yearning angst, almost like hunger. Ironically, during one of the staring contests, where I broke it off, I saw that the girl who has a crush on my friend, Chino guy, was looking at me. For some reason, I was a little spaced out (probably still thinking about Prepster Chem guy), so I started staring at her! She then had this surprised/confused face that I had seen her (maybe she was looking at Chino guy and was embarrassed herself). Minor things Anyway, I should mention that during the previous half-semester class, my friends and I would come to a bus stop, and I would see this very cute skater guy who had kind of darkish hair, glasses, a wry smile, and piercing dark blue eyes. While on the bus, he seemed to recognize us, and I started to play the eye contact game with him. I just kept thinking that a gay skateboarder would be awesome. I've seen him in the chemistry buildings, so he might be an undergrad. I shall call him Skater guy. Recently, I was coming down some steps and saw him coming up, and I was trying to hold in a big grin because I hadn't seen him for a while. Besides Skater guy, there is this other cute guy who sometimes comes to my department's seminars, though he's actually in a department. He is actually French, so I will call him the real Hot French guy, LOL. Anyway, I had always noticed he was cute, but things started to escalate when after the seminar the students would have time to talk with the speaker while eating some snacks. More than once, Hot French guy and I have locked eyes, basically where one or both of us are supposed to be in conversations with other people but we instead are facing each other. Later, I noticed similar quick glances when I saw him with fellow lab members at lunch. Sadly, it looks like he should be graduating soon (this year perhaps), and I will probably be alone again in terms of being the only non-straight person. :/ Also, I've seen Green shirt guy a few times including today, and we have some nice chats; though, I don't really get any vibe that he's interested in me. Saturday evening, there was a birthday party for a mutual friend, someone who was my "batchmate", and once again I chose the social aversion path and didn't attend. I saw that Green shirt guy was going. I would have said it's hard not having a car, but I spent two hours on the train to travel to and from my martial arts class Saturday morning.
