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Things are feeling very dark today....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ormanout, Jun 27, 2013.

  1. ormanout

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    My wife and I have been engaging in a series of talks about divorce after coming out to her 3 months ago. In the beginning, she was simply mouthing the words without the emotion. Last night, the emotion came out.....and then it came out more,....and more....until we were both exhausted and in tears after nearly four hours. She is someone I love and deeply care for, but my life with her feels like I'm on stage acting out a role....not being real.

    Being in this marriage eventually left me feeling suicidal and I fear that if I stay in the relationship, I will just slip back into depression. However, I have to walk through fire to get there. Last night, I heard every reason why this is an AWFUL thing to do...to her. Here are some of the things I heard. This is a terrible thing to do to my children, to our grandchildren....to our extended family and all of our friends. I am leaving her in a terrible position and she'll have to get a full-time job. We live on a ranch, so who will chop the wood, mow the lawn, and fix things? How will she deal with the loneliness of her life? How can she take care of a large house, ranch chores, and work full time? Wouldn't we both just be better off dead, then going through all of this pain? Why did I ever marry her in the first place? If I had these feelings from childhood, couldn't I have saved her all of this heartache by telling her this before she said "yes" to marrying me? How will she ever share this with her conservative mother? She doesn't have any friends to support her in this, while I have lots and lots of friends. Can't we just choose to live together and keep this to ourselves? How can I expect her to keep up appearances over the next year, knowing that the clock is ticking and month by month, our life together is coming to a close?

    During this four-hour emotional outpouring, I tried to be supportive and honest but not get pulled back into agreements about staying that will not be healthy for me. My question this morning, is this. We've agreed to give ourselves a year, so that she can stabilize her future, organize finances and get used to the idea of being alone. However, I am certain that there will be lots more of the above in that time. How do I stay strong in the presence of the immense pain of someone I love and care for...while keeping my own mental health and well-being in mind? I see a therapist, but that doesn't seem to be enough. There's a place in me that wants to fix all of this for her and make her pain go away. How do I keep resisting what I've been doing for 39 years? She is fighting for me with ever ounce of her being and becoming more despondent as I resist.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Given the circumstances, she needs the time to adjust and to realize that this is real, I know what you mean about the shitty feeling this engenders, the remorse, the pain, the fear, it all seems unbearable.

    She may indeed need a year with you to get herself organized...her world has been turned upside down. If this helps any, I know couples who've been in very long-term relationships where their lives are not the same after one of them suffers a stroke or other such calamity. A long relationship does not shelter anyone from the storm, but there are sources of strength in each one of us that are not called upon until needed, despite our age.

    You need to stand firm in your resolve to lead your life as it must be lived, but you also need to be really supportive of her, and to do everything you can to make the inevitable transition easier. The goal is that she too will grow stronger from this (although it doesn't appear that way now)
     
  3. DrWhoFan

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    Hi ormanout... I really feel for you. I finally came out to my husband just under a year ago, and I have had so many conversations like that with him. I know it seems like a mountain to climb, but you will get there. I'm not quite divorced yet, but half way through the process, remortgaging the house to give him a fresh start and not got as far as telling the children. The pain does fade, for both of you, please hang in there and give it time. The suicidal thoughts I had of being trapped in the marriage were so much worse than anything I am experiencing now. He will also, now, admit that he was miserable in a marriage with someone who didn't want him and he is much better off.
     
  4. ormanout

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    Just to update, after nearly five nights of talking 2-3 hours per night and getting into emotional overwhelm, my wife and I finally arrived at a place where we can both stand for a little while. She wants a year of commitment that I won't leave, while I agreed that since I've had forty years to get accustomed to this gay identity, I could give her at least a year. After that, we'll likely divorce. Meanwhile, we are getting the place ready for her to manage on her own....new furnace, complete a couple of remodeling projects, etc. She wants to reorganize our financial commitments and thin the herd of her animals on the ranch. She is also looking to move from part-time to full-time work, so that she'll have health benefits.

    I believe that much of the early chaos in our talking was caused by the sense of urgency and immediacy that she was feeling. That panic sent her into a tailspin and me into a guilt frenzy. I believe that if I've waited this long, I can afford to give the preparation for a different stage of life the respect and time it requires for us to remain each others best source of support.

    Finally, it was my birthday on Friday and she gave me a card that was signed, "Love, your friend __________!" I think she now gets it that we don't have to be totally without each other in our future lives. That's a HUGE relief for both of us. After all, none of this is about NOT loving her.