Hey guys. Last night I went to a house party, and this morning I've woken up feeling pretty disgusting about what I did when I was there. I'm lesbian, but over this past year (last night included), I have just been getting drunk to enjoy a night out (because the music scene and the people I go clubbing with aren't really my close close friends) and for some reason I always end up kissing some weird guy. These guys rarely ever have any form of conversation with me, there's no form of emotional connection, I don't know them from Adam, but for some reason drunk me thinks it's okay to just get with them. I don't even feel good about it afterwards, I just feel sick. I feel like I have to try and get some kind of enjoyment out of it, but to be completely honest it's never great. Thankfully I never do anything I regret with them other than make out, but really this is completely out of character for me. I'm usually pretty prude sober, or rather I don't hook up with people sober, but this behaviour makes me look desperate. I don't want the negative social connotations that come from what I do, but really I don't have any emotional issues with what I do until the next day... and even that springs from shame from other people. To make matters worse, because I don't really feel anything I end up going too far. I nearly slept with this last guy when we went over to his friend's house, and I don't know why. Nothing tells me "this is fun", I just do it because I feel lonely, I guess, and I like getting attention from someone. But what kills me is what other people will think when they find out - like people I actually care about and should be hanging out with instead of these creeps. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I keep turning these events over and over in my mind and I guess I need to discuss it with somebody that's not gonna judge me...
If this is causing you to feel shamed, and making unhappy then you need to do your best to stop. Being drunk doesn't mean you don't have control of yourself. Tell yourself, okay, tonight is for me, and I'm not going to hook up with anyone, in any way. That aside, you shouldn't be worrying about what other people think of you so much, it's not like your sleeping with anyone within sight. You kissed some guys at the bar. That's not slutty. It's just a drunken act that you shouldn't feel embarrassed about because truthfully it happens a lot. This is like, straight people making someone of the same gender, which happens a lot. If it doesn't mean anything to either person, but it feels nice and no one's getting forced into anything, or cheating then I don't see a problem. If your friends are the kind of people who would seriously judge you for kissing someone while drunk, then maybe they aren't the greatest friends. All in all, if you think the people you don't want to judge you, will judge you for this behavior, and if that bothers, then simply don't do it. You are in control.
You're right, I am in control, but my judgement is clouded when I'm drunk. I want to understand how you get over habits like this. For me, unless I have a direct deterrent from something, I'll do it. That works fine for most things because I have functioning morals, but for situations like this, I can't explain it, for some reason I just don't care when I'm drunk. To be honest, it edges pretty close to not being able to control it. Don't get me wrong it's not some chronic issue, but really I could've gotten myself in quite a bad situation with someone I don't even care for so it's not really just kissing if you think about it. Maybe it's just kissing this time, but it pretty easily could've been more. I know other gays that do this, but I guess what I wanted to know what how they've dealt with it going forward. Like, if some people have decided to just stop getting that drunk until they mature past that phase... maybe I should only party on the gay circuit for a while to remind myself what actual attraction and natural boundaries feel like. Any ideas?
Well i'd lose the liquor then. Personally I know I cannot stand feeling helpless in my own body, but I only feel like that on substances besides alcohol. It's fun to get drunk and hang out or go dancing or whatever you do but if the result is causing you anxiety, then you need to stop drinking when you go out. It's all in your own hands is all I was and am trying to say. If you feel you really are in danger of doing something you don't want to do, then you need to go to the greatest lengths to stop that from happening. SO, if you really feel you cannot control yourself under the influence, then instead of stopping the action, stop the influence. IE; alcohol. I've never dealt with the inner conflict aspect because I'm pansexual but maybe tried only drinking around people you actually are attracted it could help. You sort of answered your own question in that paragraph so give it a try. I may be crossing a line but, do you think the hooking up with males could be related at all to your self-esteem? Just like you might hook up with a female that you are NOT attracted to, not for fun or attraction, just to feel good about yourself? Do you feel like your nights are incomplete without some form of hook up?
I agree with what you're saying And no you're not crossing the line with those questions, in fact you might be right. There's no quick fix for a low self-esteem though is there :S I feel like I'm quite a niche person, and I don't really connect with everyone, only a select few people, so for me sometimes the only way I can socially enjoy a party is hooking up with someone. It's not great
I do feel you in the sense that I don't always connect with people either. I do not yet have an answer for that. but I wish you luck
