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How wise & sensible would it be for me to 'come out'?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by evora, Jun 14, 2013.

  1. evora

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    I want people to know I'm gay to spare us the unnecessary questions about boyfriends. If I were to update my facebook profile, could it hurt me in the future? (I think I already know the answer to that but I'd like to know what you think and if you've ever regretted being out.)

    Is it true that if you come out, you'll be out forever?

    Part of me wants people to know but I don't want it to have a negative effect on my life later. I'm scared there will be a time where you could be hunted for being gay and I think that's one the main reasons I feel uncomfortable with broadcasting it.

    Do you think the situation for us will only get better or could it actually get worse?
     
  2. Tightrope

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    I'm very much a self-styled person who over-analyzes things anyway, so I'll mention a couple of things you might weigh:

    - consider where you live, which is not discernible from your information, and what the milieu of your family/study/work/city or rural environment is like
    - do you want to be open to facilitate getting into a relationship at some point?
    - do you want to be open so you learn who your real friends are and friends who you thought were real, but aren't supportive, can be let go?
    - are you mostly reserved or mostly an extrovert?
    - you still have time, being only 20, per your profile
    - it's something you do for yourself, and not to appease others who ask nosy questions (I sort of had the same question, as if I "owed" something to people who hit on me which, in the U.S., means show interest)
    - do you want to find a community of like-minded friends at this time?

    It isn't one question, really, but several reflecting YOUR needs. And since we don't know where you live and its environment, we can't make that decision for you. Some people have trailblazer personalities and others do not, and you know yourself best of all.
     
  3. wrhla

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    I'll just second what tightrope said. So much depends on your particular circumstances. But on what point, I'll offer a definitive answer: yes, in today's world, once you're out, you're out.
     
  4. Once it is on the internet...it's there forever. It is something you really have to consider. I don't know what type of family you have or your friends, but I know I will lose people. Part of me just wanted to get it over with, but I know that I have time. I don't need to come out right now, so I am going to wait.

    I would rather hesitate and wait longer than I needed to than to jump the gun and spill the beans too soon.

    Take your time.
     
  5. moonwillow

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    My facebook "coming out" was not a big announcement just simply a change from "divorced" to "in a relationship with ..." The dots were obviously my girlfriend's name. Well, some people didn't comment, some people congratulated me and declared they were relieved that I had finally found somebody who made me happy, and a couple others had not so good reactions though only one actually said anything directly to me. Mostly that one person was just in shock that I was dating a woman but once the shock wore off a couple days later she apologized for her reaction and we've been fine since.

    For me at least, its the ones that didn't respond to me that were the problem. I have lost over half of my mom's side of the family because one of my cousins saw the change and spread it around to the rest of the family not on facebook. I have since been disowned and unfriended and probably deleted from their email contacts even. This was crushing to me because growing up I was closer to one of my mom's brothers that I was to my own father most of the time and he was the one spearheading the movement in the family to shun me. Swell.

    Moral of the story: If you have friends like mine, go for it you should be fine. If you are friends with people who might react like my family did I'd hold off announcing it in even such a simple manner as what I did unless you are ready to deal with the fallout. I thought I was ready, was even expecting something, but what I wasn't expecting was the silence. I didn't get yelled at, begged to change my mind, nothing. All I got was silently disowned and at least for me that was worse than the confrontation would have been.

    Whatever your choice I wish you luck and strength!
     
  6. Zoe

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    Hi Evora,

    You've already gotten some great advice--I just have a little to add.

    I don't have experience with what you're dealing with, as I came out just recently, and once I did, it was no longer a struggle.

    I do agree that once it's out, it's out. One thing you may consider, if you're worried about that, is to tell people you're questioning right now. It's close to the truth and will give you some breathing room and some extra time before coming all the way out. That might be more comfortable for you.

    I completely understand that you have to be sensitive to your particular surroundings and family dynamics, especially when you're young. I want to comment, however, on what tightrope said about "having time" because you're still young. I know what he means, and I'm not rushing you in any way, but how much more time do you want to spend not being yourself? I'm not implying an answer here, only that you consider the question.

    There are many of us on this forum that wish we'd come out much earlier. For some, it never seemed the right time. For others, it was because of family dynamics or religious concerns. Others just hadn't admitted what they really knew to themselves (like me).

    But so many of us look back and regret the years we weren't our true selves. Many people talk about decisions they made because they felt pressure to fit into a straight life style that are now causing complications and hurt.

    Please don't think I'm rushing you to make a decision. But I am encouraging you to think about how much more of your life you want to spend not being able to be who you really are.

    --Zoe
     
  7. evora

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    Thank you everyone for your advice!
    I'm probably very indecisive or just a coward because I still can't do it. Like physically I just can't make myself say it. I do want them to know but I'm SO scared of how they'll react.
    How do I even do it? How do I start? I don't think they'd take me seriously. I'll always be a child to them.

    Homosexuality here is not mainstream. It's probably not unheard of but you don't really hear about it everyday. Or maybe ever.
    If my grandmother talks about a relative who is struggling with clinical depression as if she preferred he committed a crime instead, then what would she say to me, her only granddaughter?

    I don't feel like I have the kind of relationship with my mother where I can just sit her down and tell her that I like women like that.

    I know only I can help myself and all you can help me with is telling me what you think about all this and I'll try but it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I was planning on doing it at the end of August, if I got into university and then I'd be moving into a dorm so that was my plan.

    What are some good conversation starter I could use? Should I mention the upcoming Pride march? Gay rights? Gay actors/actresses I like? Should I ask her if she knows any gay people? Or if she thinks there are any gay people in this town?
    And if she says no, I could go 'well, actually....' :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  8. PeteNJ

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    I'm not directly out on Facebook -- my status doesn't say I like men, for instance.

    But I like and comment on many LGBT/equality/ social justice issues. I've added many gay friends. There are pics of me at a couple recent pride festivals.

    Let's just say, that anyone whom I'm acquaintances with ought to be able to read between the lines. Unless they think I'm an ally, or something. (well, I guess that too).

    I would be more overt -- but I still have a kid in high school. Perhaps its no big deal at all, but being protective is a parent thing, after all, and no reason to scream gay at this point, IMO.
     
  9. biggayguy

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    I would sit down and make a list of the pros and cons of coming out. If you decide that the pros outweigh the cons then I would start planning the when, where, how, and who of coming out. I unintentionally came out on Facebook when more and more of my friend there were gay. I got a couple of sermons from my Christian high school classmates. They pretty much leave me alone now.
     
  10. Jeff

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    I think that the advice you have been given has been very good. It is best to get a good look at the situation one is in and who you are surrounded by. Where you are in career, school, and family, etc.

    As for as conversation starters, I like Supreme Court rulings due late June, states ok'ing gay marriage recently, and various well-known people who have come out recently.

    The changes coming so fast in culture, and how there have always been gay men and women who were successful in all careers, but now they do not have to hide anything about themselves - is that now great! People who pretend to be what they are not is really bad for everyone, so it is good that people do not have to hide so much anymore, right!!!

    That is how I would do it. I also started doing things to help me come out, I started picking up a gay newspaper, those free ones, and then heading into a pizza joint, and ordering two slices and a drink. And when I went to pay, I sat the magazine on the counter face up, and got the cash from my wallet to pay. So I exposed my gay rag to the clerk while I paid. The clerk might not have known I was GAY, so I dropped a pretty clear hint right there and then. He looked at the paper, and knew exactly what it meant. So I suggest you come out to strangers who you will never meet again at first to get the conversation going within you - and at ease.

    Coming out has been very slow for me. I still have left no electronic paper trail online. No friends to connect me with the "community" and no pictures of me at pride. No nothing. But I might one day post more revealing info.

    I do however order coffee at a place and make no effort to appear straight, but then again, I am located in the gay capitol of the world (LOL). Just my city name gives everyone everything they need to know about my sexual orientation.
     
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  11. lionel

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    There are plenty of people that didn't like me when I pretended to be straight, I accept that and wish them peace. Today if you hate me because of my race , religion. Or sexual orientation. I wish you peace. And I accept ....that's only After doing the work in these 47 years to accept my self fully. No guilt, no shame, no fear. For years I lied, and the happiness I protected was a crime against me. Today I accept me, I accept you, I make no apologies. I wish you peace. I've found it , and I can say as simply as my hair is brown, and my eyes are blue, that I am gay, and I am good, and that is all. Keep well