For the men who have been married

This is an interesting question. I have been mulling related topics.

My situation has felt like two steps forward, one step back; or maybe sometimes one step forward and two steps back. But I feel I would have to go back to well before marriage to put it in perspective.

I was deeply conflicted about my sexuality in my teens and remained so for most of my life. I had occasionally openly identified as bi to a few friends; tried and failed to have sex with men; got off to gay porn; and then retreated into almost total denial until the next homosexual fantasy. So pretty early in my relationship with my wife—before we ever discussed getting married—I told her that I had homosexual fantasies. I also showed her copies of gay porn magazines—nothing hardcore, just pix of naked men in various states of arousal.

We actually integrated some of this into our sex life, with role playing and looking at gay porn together. But neither one of us took this to mean that I was gay. As the years passed, my wife became less comfortable with all of it, and so we changed to a much more conventional sex life together, while I saved the gay porn for discrete masturbation. This was more or less the state of affairs for several years. She was surprised and embarrassed to walk in on me masturbating to gay porn late one nigh on my computer. This led to a conversation in which she asked me outright for the first time if I was gay. I denied it. We settled on bisexual. That was about 6 or 7 years ago.

This past January, based on some conversations I had with my therapist, I came to the conclusion that I was more or less gay. Meanwhile, my wife, who is 71, told me that she had lost interest in sex. That seemed like an excellent opportunity to tell her what I had recently been thinking. So in February, I came out to her as gay one evening. She took this well—for about 36 hours. After that, I discovered that I had opened a can of worms, having less to do with my being gay than with a bunch of other stuff involving money, work, and do forth. This has improved somewhat lately.

There is an awful lot about my life that I like. I have no interest in getting divorced and leading a radically different life. So my wife and I have talked about how to make this work. She has endorsed the idea of my have affairs with men, but emphasizes that she will not be part of a triangle, which limits any relationships I might have with men. So it remains to be seen exactly how all of this will play out.

 

I am still with my wife but have remained true to our vows and did not establish any sexual contact or emotional commitment to anyone else. That doesn't mean that I haven't danced in gay clubs, kissed gay men, or had fantasies about men. Those alone were enough to convince me that I was gay.

 

To be blunt & practical, if you're still having sex or planning to have sex with your wife, then I would not start having sex with men.

Making the decision on having safer sex with men is fine for you, but I don't think its fair to then also have sex with her. Let's face it -- its safer sex, not 100% safe sex.

I think its perfectly fine, though, and probably a great idea, to start going to local LGBT centers/ coming out groups/ support groups/ etc to make gay friends. I did exactly that (JUST friends). Which was great.

This is what was right for me. I know, from a bi/gay Dad's group I attend, that about half are still living with their wives, who know, and are ok with that arrangement. Though most, if not all, are no longer having sex with them.

Your mileage may vary.

 

I have a loving and respectful marriage so experimenting in real time is without a doubt...no option. I fantasize and masturbate like a pro though. This is a VERY tricky situation. Sigh...I long...