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Considering Your Children

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by EscapeArtist, Jun 10, 2013.

  1. EscapeArtist

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    Hello,
    I was recently redirected to this thread after posting a brief version of my struggle involving my son. He is only two and while I consider his wellness paramount-I am also learning that my own happiness will contribute to that. This struggle has also made me deeply reconsider the message I want to send my son in regard to love and relationships in general. We are fortunate in that his father and I have a strong and respectful relationship to fall back on inspite of these last few difficult days.

    I am only 23 so while I don't consider myself "coming out later in life" (Also, considering this will be my second coming-out) I am in the unique situation of considering the lasting effects this will have on my child. I'm asking those of you who are parent's to please share your stories and any advice you have for me as a young mother with a young child.

    Thank you!
    -Ellen :smilewave
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Love him with all your heart, care for him every day, play with him, be there...Kids will ask everything of you and you can give no less...but be happy, you can't give more without that!
     
  3. Venturing

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    I came out to my husband last year, and we have a young son. Although my husband and I are still living together, we are living separate lives for the most part. We are still working out the details of a divorce, and our child's well being has been our focus. We considered living together with an open marriage, but I think we finally realized that our happiness is important, and will make us better parents in the long run. On one hand I think it would be easier if he was younger, he is in elementary school so he will definitely understand when we tell him that we are splitting up. On the other hand, his getting older and more independent made me realize that I was not just his mother, but also an individual whose happiness matters. My husband and I realize that ultimately he will be as healthy as we are, and as long as we both keep his well our priority I think our "family" will survive. My husband is as supportive as he can be. At first be didn't want me to tell our son that i was gay, but after much thought I realized that I needed to be honest, in order to be an example and teach him to live an authentic and truthful life. One step at a time. Now that school is out we'll be telling that we will be separating, then we'll start transitioning. I plan to tell him that I'm gay in a few months....baby steps. My biggest fear is that he will blame me for the divorce. It has been a difficult decision. But I also know that my son and I have such an incredible tight bond, that hopefully we will get through this together, and come out stronger. I'm glad to hear that you have a supportive partner. I think that makes all the difference.
     
  4. skiff

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    Hi,

    Like you I am in my second coming out.

    I married hoping "gay" could be overrun by love. I was wrong but we had a child by that point. My duty and responsibility to my children was paramount. I did love my wife, she was my best friend and I stuck out the marriage until the children were young adults.

    There was no arguing, no fighting simply two loving parents offering the most nurturing environment possible. I put my kids ahead of myself for 21 years.

    Some will disagree with that but I managed it.

    In looking back I literally put my children's happiness first while giving them a stable environment. It was my mistake not theirs.
     
  5. pinklov3ly

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    I had two coming out stories as well, and over the years, it has been very challenging. I first came out as bisexual at age 19, and at the time I only had one child. After my first failed relationship with a girl, I dated a guy and we had two kids together. For some odd reason, I could not accept who I was. I truly thought that I could change if I tried, but it was very difficult. And I, later discovered that it was impossible. I wanted to raise my boys under the same roof with their father, but I couldn't pretend any more.

    My boys are 9, 5 and 4 and they're absolutely fine. I was so afraid that their life would be difficult because of me, but it has not. It could be in the future, but I will worry about that, if it even happens. I've introduced them to girls that I've dated, but as friends. My kids are pretty smart, and they know what being gay means; it is amazing what they learn in school from other kids. I'll come out to them once I'm in a long term relationship with a woman.

    I'm glad that you made the decision to be yourself and sooner than I did. When I was your age, I knew for sure that I was gay. I could've saved myself tons of heartache and pain over the past few years. But I thought I was doing what was right for them even if I had to sacrifice my happiness for them. However, that did not sit well with me at all. You gotta take care of yourself first before anyone else. If you're not happy then it will affect your son. Anger and resentment will start to build up and with me, it tends to cause depression. I knew that in order to be the best mother that I could be, I had to be myself first.
     
    #5 pinklov3ly, Jun 11, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2013
  6. EscapeArtist

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    "I knew that in order to be the best mother that I could be, I had to be myself first."

    ^What a simply amazing statement. Thank you all. Every single post has rung bells for me. Interesting the way relating to another HUMAN BEING can be healing in and of itself. I'm learning more and more that the situation I am is not entirely unique though I do want to go about it with a bit of grace. So thank you for the advice, it will all be taken to heart.

    @Venturing,
    I agree with the sensitivity of the issue and the decisions you've been able to make. Having a loving partner certainly makes a world of a difference. I recently thanked mine for not kicking me out, bad-mouthing me to others, or setting my things on fire. I have learned very quickly how unforgiving humanity can be-but then the same is true for kindness. It's just a matter of finding it. B and I plan to co-parent and stay living together. He said eventually he will have to have his needs met but I don't plan to seriously consider dating anytime soon so I don't think our living situation will be complicated in that it really wont change from what its been. Being a mother and earning my degree are my priorities. Perhaps in the future things will change but right now I'm just breathing a great big sigh of relief as my sleep comes a little easier these days.

    @Skiff,
    Wow! What an amazing story. I still can't believe that after two years I still didn't piece together the fact that my own happiness lead to my son's. I felt convicted by normalcy, by society, by complexity to provide my son with the traditional home I never had. We aim so high to sacrifice ourselves for our children until we make these connections. Thank you so much for the wisdom and reinforcement.

    @Pink,
    Sounds like your heart and hands are full! Thank you for the priceless advice. Talking with other parent's has brought me such comfort. I completely understand the lack of comfort in living a lie-even one honestly strived for- and the resulting depression. My heart goes out to you.

    <3
     
  7. You are my hero. Was this really hard? Can we be friends because this is what I am considering?

    ---------- Post added 11th Jun 2013 at 08:27 PM ----------

    I have a 4 year old.

    I have not decided how I will explain this to him one day or any of that. I just know that my orientation should not effect him in the home. Outside the house, he may be teased. (when I come out) Right now my husband and I are staying together, but we're taking it day by day.

    My theory is like what was said above. If we love our children with all we have, they are going to be great. Not everyone is in a situation like I am. I could stay with my husband and have a gf on the side...he wouldn't care. You have to look at your situation and decide what is best. Your child will understand that you had to be happy in order to be the best mother you could be.
     
  8. Jim1454

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    I believe that kids are better off with two parents who are happy and well adjusted but who live apart than two parents who live together and are miserable. In my case we were clearly heading down the miserable path. I needed to work on me - by being OK with my orientation in recovery for addiction - otherwise I was going to be absolutely no good to my children. And my wife, in order to be happy, needed to live apart from me.

    It was the best thing we could have done.

    I also waited - about 2 years - before coming out to my kids. They were then around 8 and 6 I guess. And it has been fine for them. They're 'out' at school - their friends know that their dad is gay, and it doesn't seem to be an issue for them. (Granted, we live in one of the more accepting places on the planet.)

    3 years later again, both my ex wife and I are remarried - both to men. (My husband is WAY better than her husband - but I don't rub it in!) The kids have 3 dads, and life for the most part is good. Did I think things would work out like this when my wife told me our marriage was over? NO! I couldn't imagine being this happy or living the life I'm living. So you need to hold out hope for yourself, because the future you can envisage today is likely nothing like what will actually happen. What will happen is likely way better!

    Every family is different and the path for you will be different as a result. But as a parent you need to be happy and well adjusted in order to model that for your kids. I don't think you can effectively pretend. Kids see through it.

    Good luck.
     
  9. Runnerrunner

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    I wholeheartedly agree with this. My kids are quite a bit older, most have already moved out, but even they that accepted their "new" dad. Unless they are in denial it's pretty much a non-issue. Now, it needs to be said that they've only known for 6 months, so this is still pretty new to them, but they know how much I love them, and I try to never miss an opportunity to say and show them that.
     
  10. EscapeArtist

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    Thank you Jim and Runner. I so appreciate the perspective of gay dad's. I suppose what I fear most is somehow going about it the wrong way. I am a bit of a psychologyy buff so I've been hard on myself to do this with both self-respect and delicacy. After many long nights I have finally arrived at a place where I feel strong enough to communicate my thoughts to my family and not be too terribly moved by their reactions (As in parents and siblings, not my partner or son. They are my main priorities in all this. If we didn't have to carefully consider our loved ones I feel this would almost be a non-issue for many.) Thanks for the support!
     
  11. skiff

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    Hi,

    It was not that difficult for me. My wife was my best friend, we never fought, but the marriage lacked passion.

    Our boys are 18 and 20. I have been out of the house three weeks and I miss seeing sons daily daily more than words can express.

    Being away from my children is much harder than the marriage I left.

    I don't miss my wife but missing my children is a killer and they are young adults.
     
    #11 skiff, Jun 13, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2013
  12. moonwillow

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    ^This!

    I stayed married to my ex for a lot longer than I should have simply because of our kids. I didn't want to ruin their family by leaving him (for reasons not having to do with my sexuality). Only after I finally came to the same conclusion as Jim did I realize that by breaking up our family the kids would finally have a mother who was actually happy and okay. If I had stayed I wouldn't really have been much of a mother at all. After deciding on the divorce and informing my ex of it in no uncertain terms then I finally took a second or (maybe?) third look at my sexuality and decided that maybe it was time to finally contact an old girlfriend that I had never stopped having feelings for. We reconnected and now she is my kids' second mommy and life has never been better. The kids have two stable happy homes now, one with their dad, and one with their two mommies.

    Kids are very resilient and if we are honest with them now when they are so young (my daughter wasn't even two and my son was only 3 when L and I started dating again) they will adapt to a new situation just fine so long as YOU are adjusting to it well. They take their cues from us and if we are happy and healthy they are more likely to be as well.
     
  13. EscapeArtist

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  14. phoenixverde

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    Hi.

    I am married with kids. They are too young to explain all of this too, but I am kind of glad. I know I can never feel fulfilled in my marriage and it isn't fair to keep my husband stuck with someone who is not attracted to him. My husband is being very supportive and we are going to just take it as it comes with the kids. We will love them with all of our hearts and do the best we can. The fact that you care so much is a great sign.
     
  15. PeteNJ

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    I came out to my kids just 4 months ago (17 & 25). Total non issue for them. Both want to meet my "boyfriend" -- well, I'm not in that kind of relationship, but they have met the guy I'm with and his kid.

    Especially for my daughter, it matters for her to see I'm happy and not alone. I'm doing my best to see that doesn't happen. My son is more concerned that he has enough time to play Minecraft than to care about his father being gay.

    For Father's Day my daughter got me 2 flags -- Gay Pride and HRC Equality. I said I wasn't going to be flying a flag in front of the house, well, maybe I will!

    Their Mom, we've divorced 10+ years, has been very supportive. I think that helps with their attitude, too.
     
  16. Candace

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    I personally (as a young gay man) don't have to worry about this anytime soon...but I always was told that kids with gay parents would turn out to be more tolerant of others. I plan on having kids when I get older (7-10 years, maybe).
     
  17. EscapeArtist

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    I'm not so much concerned about the implications of being gay as I am the separation itself. Did your children adjust to new routines and relationships well? What would you have done differently?

    You guys rock,
    <3
     
  18. HopeFloats

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    I have an almost 3 year old. Her father and I separated when she was an infant and the divorce was final right around her first birthday. She is very resilient. I do my best to provide her with a large, stable, loving community - through daycare (I work full time), church. Family and friends. My church and friend groups include LGBT couples with young children - if I find a long term partner, my daughter won't be the only one she knows with two mommys. And of course, she will always have her dad too.

    Parenting her and thinking about teaching through living my values really brought me to my 2nd coming out. It is important to me to live an authentic life - for myself and as a parent.
     
  19. Scaredofitall

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    Children do adapt. My children's father came out after we separated and I told my children he was gay soon after. I wanted them to feel ok, form their own views and take it as part of life. My daughter was comforted when I told her she would always be the only girl in his life. She was 6. It was more difficult for my son as he has worried it is hereditary... Not helped by my coming out to them last night. They are 18 and 16 now and it is time for my happiness.
     
  20. Jim1454

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    I'm not sure there is much I would do differently. Other than to be in touch with them more often by phone. Touching based a couple of times a week between visits would be better - something that I can still implement.

    Otherwise, the transition was OK. My ex wife works as a nurse and is part time - she has only worked night shifts every other weekend since both kids were born. So daddy has always been 'on first' every other weekend - sort of a single parent covering all the bases so that my wife could sleep during the day and work at night. So when we separated, that's the routine we kept, only I now had a separate house for them to stay in. (So they didn't have to be as quiet!) My parents also have a cottage, so we would head up there for the weekends.

    The tough part on them was moving. They had to change schools. And then 2 years later my wife remarried and bought a new house with her husband, and they moved again. And then they found that school wasn't very good, so after another 2 years we moved them to a new school in my neighbourhood. THAT has been the tough part on them.