An interesting comment a friend made about "managing" life

I think this is very true, as someone who is gay, there is so much more to think about and manage, probably why I am still here at EC I guess (and probably one of the reasons I remained closeted for so long, I at least had an inkling of the implications of coming out).

I feel like I have joined a conversation that has been going on for decades; navigating a world of unconventional relationships.

 

I don't spend much time thinking about it in all honesty. I stopped giving a shit about how I am perceived a few years ago.

I did come out of the closet when I was 13 and that was 11 years ago. So I have had time to adjust and learn. It's second nature to me now I suppose.

 

Yes! I wholeheartedly agree!!!

I'm constantly worrying that something I say or do will give me away, or distance people. Deep down I believe my husband knows I'm attracted to women. It's just one of those taboo subjects that we try to avoid at all cost. But when we are out in public if there is an attractive woman (and they're everywhere, of course) I always cringe. My mind goes back to that. Even if I'm not looking I avert my glance so my husband doesn't think I'm looking so we wont have to deal with it. I know that's a little different than what you are talking about but I certainly have experience with that as well. I returned to college to finish my degree and I find myself having to deal with that a lot internally. As for the doctor thing, yes, that is a really big deal. And worrying about how your doctor will treat you if you reveal anything to them... Yes, I do think we have a lot of worrying and anxiety to deal with that heterosexual people just don't have to deal with. In a class I just took it was referred to as heterosexual privilege.

 

Seems like a really good point... some things are more obvious than others, like if I hold my gfs hand will I be glared at or worse (yes, it happens), something like booking a hotel room for the night or talking to the doctor who assumes you need contraception. However, I am always wary about using a giveaway pronoun in a conversation... it does wear you down a lot.

 

I went through a lot of those things in high school. I came out to my family at 13, but didn't come out to my friends until 16 or 17. I've worked in a multitude of different environments and I definitely see where you are coming from. I've worked in highly homophobic environments (like when I was in the ARMY) and I've worked in extremely progressive environments as well as the variants in between. But there comes a time when you get tired of pretending.

I was exhausted after trying to hide it in the military. It is probably the most draining thing I have ever had to do. I came to the conclusion that I can't be fired for being gay and if it really came to that I would need to start looking for a new job the moment I started feeling uncomfortable or talk to my employer directly (I've done the latter). The people that don't take you for who you are have no place in your life anyways. If your employer fires you because you are gay - get a lawyer - you will own that company when everything is said and done.

Adopting this attitude isn't easy by any means. It can be quite terrifying at first, but you slowly start to weed out the negative people in your life.

 

Before you accept yourself, while still in the closet, I'd say that our brains are processing, over processing, and over thinking SO much. Its all about 1) making things LOOK like we're meeting our expectations, and 2) dealing with the cognitive dissonance - acting/looking one way vs in our gut, soul, loins feeling "different."

Living that way plunged me into deep depression and suicidal thoughts.

As I started accepting myself, coming out -- it was like a a deep fog lifted, the sun came out, and that all changed.

Life has been lighter, easier, because I am no longer hiding/keeping secrets -- but more so, because I understand the truth about myself. Its so liberating!!

So how much time do I spend being out/gay? Probably no more than if I was straight and single.

Yes, there is much about navigating the gay world that I am still figuring out -- but I'm not alone in that -- I have my friends in the coming out group, other new gay friends, my shrink, etc. And of course, my EC support.

 

Before I totally came out to myself I too went through a period of about seven years of severe depression. I couldn't figure out how to make life any better or make myself feel and better and the pressure was mounting. Then it clicked. It's like I was finally able to accept it which was hard for me because I had really invested myself in a marriage with a man. Now things are still hard but in a different way. I'm not so depressed anymore but I do feel very lonely and afraid of being on my own.

 

The trend in the comments here, and I experienced it as well, shows that the effort and energies are dedicated to the issue of orientation until you're comfortable with it.

Now, it doesn't drive any (well maybe a tiny bit) additional thought or effort. I'm out to my family, friends, coworkers, kids, dentist, doctor, regular taxi driver, hair dresser, banker, etc. I talk about my husband just like any heterosexual woman would talk about her husband. I don't need to filter out anything.

But before? I was married for 9 years to a woman, and it was during that time that I came to be aware of my orientation. And THAT was a struggle. One that led to addiction and depression and thoughts of suicide. So I've seen both sides for sure.

The moral - come out and keep coming out. The more comfortable you are being you, the less you worry about what other people are going to say or think, and that makes living much much easier.

 

A guy I know who came out in his 30s once said being in the closet and "maintaining his cover" was a full time job. I have no problem believing the 25% in the original post.

 

My sexuality is on my mind all the time. Like this morning, I was walking down to the shop and there were two groups of people, 14 year olds, (last day of school), and I got so scared they'd shout at me something. Or when I walk past men and they look at me a bit funnily like they're trying to figure something out but only for a few seconds and that always freaks me out. I'm constantly scared of being surrounded and assaulted by people. I don't actually believe they'd physically hurt me but they could yell insults at me. (I was very heavily bullied through high school and the teachers did nothing!) That's why everytime I'm amongst people, I'm terrified that if I accept I'm gay, they'll hurt/attack me.

 

I'm fairly new to the lesbian community but even lesbians I know who have been out for a long time are constantly aware of their sexuality/orientation. Many of them are in public sector jobs with the federal government (as is my girlfriend). Some are social workers. One just said the other day that she is still coming out to people. Some of them are all the way out. Some aren't simply because it is still a rough world out there.

I was questioned the other days as to why one has to come out. In my mind you are affirming your identity and affirming it for others who may be questioning or afraid to be who they really are. I couldn't be prouder of who I am and who I am becoming. I've never been more confident in my life now that I know how to "manage" that former hidden part of my life.