Life after the closet

They say coming out is a life-long process, but that would imply that being in the closet is a life-long phase that one constantly needs to escape. And as you can guess from this thread's title, that's not how I see my life now. I say I'm entirely out of the closet as gay because everyone who knows me knows it: friends, immediate family, extended family, coworkers, and random acquaintances interspersed here and there. But I still have to "come out" to new friends, new coworkers, and new acquaintances. I don't fit the stereotype enough for people to assume, so they don't, and I have to correct them.

I put "come out" in quotes because it's a very different experience from what my actual coming out was like. When I'd been keeping it a secret and telling people that I was straight, trying to tell them I'm gay was a difficult thing. How would they feel to know I'd been deceiving them? Would they think I didn't trust them? It was hard, and I don't fault anyone who's afraid of doing it.

But now I've reached a point where everyone whom I ever told I was straight, or whom I let assume it instead of correcting them, knows that I'm gay. And I've reached a point where I don't feel the need to hide it, or to let people assume I'm not gay. So when someone asks if I have a girlfriend, I'm totally comfortable saying, "No, but I would like to have a boyfriend." Or when someone says, "You're not gay, right?" there's nothing that stops me from saying, "Actually, let me explain you a thing."

"Coming out" at this point in my life isn't like it used to be. It's much easier. It's like correcting people who assumed I was a computer science major when I was a math major, or who assume I'm left-handed when I'm not, or who assume I don't like metal music when I absolutely do! It's not really a coming out anymore.

Because, lest we forget, "coming out" is short for "coming out of the closet," and I'm not in the closet anymore. If anyone out there thinks I'm straight, it's only because I haven't had a chance to correct them yet, not because I've been lying to them or letting them assume it. So I'm not even coming out of the closet anymore, so much as just correcting people. You know how some stereotypical gay people will say, "Coming out? I was never in!"? That's the point I'm at now; I don't have to come out because I'm not in the closet anymore.

This is the Coming Out Stories section, so let me give you some stories:

I put my experience as an admin on here on my résumé when applying for summer jobs, partly because it's given me a lot of soft skills I can't reasonably attribute to any jobs I've had, partly so that any homophobic employers would see it and casually slip my résumé in the rejected pile and not waste my time or theirs. When I interviewed for the job I have now, the HR person asked me how I got involved with EC, and I told her about how I found it while I was trying to come out of the closet myself, and I stuck around because I love the community. By telling her that, I casually told her that I'm queer in some way. No fuss, no shock, just mentioning it because it was relevant to the conversation. That's how a lot of my "comings out" go these days: it's relevant, so I bring it up as I'd bring up any other relevant information about myself.

Another story: I'm involved in the spoken-word poetry scene here in my city, and about half of the poems I've read in front of a crowd make mention of me liking guys. When I mention it, I get some requisite applause, but then I keep on reading. And the people there don't remember me for the fact that I came out; they remember me for my poetry. (If anyone wants to read it, PM me and I'll send you the link to my poetry website.) Because as long as being gay isn't all there is to you, it won't be the only thing that people remember you for.

Another one: I was walking down the street in my kilt one day (did I mention I wear kilts?), when some random passerby asked me why I wore it. After I told him I like the style and I like the way it feels, he asked, "You're not gay, are you?" And without even thinking about it, I said, "Actually, I am." And it caught me by surprise how comfortable I was saying that casually to someone I didn't know, but there it was. Telling people you're gay gets easier with practice, and after practicing for years, I've evidently reached a point where there's no one I'm not willing to tell.

I don't tell these stories to brag; I tell them to show you that life out of the closet is possible. Like many of you, I found inspiration in the coming out stories I read on here when I first joined, but there was a distinct lack of stories about what comes after that. As if being queer is a two-stage process: being in the closet, and coming out of the closet. But there's a third stage that I wish someone had assured me exists: being out of the closet. And as I hope I've made clear, coming out of the closet and being out of the closet are very different experiences, and the second one will make going through the first one so, so worth it.

I see people on here say that they don't want being queer to dominate how people see them or who they are, but believe me, it only seems like that's going to happen because you've been keeping it a secret for so long. To go from doing that to being honest about it is going to be a big change in how big of a part of you being queer is. It's going from something people don't even conceptualize you as to something they do, and that's a big change. But once you get through that process, it becomes just another part of you, something people will think of along with your other attributes when they think of you. People around me know me as Owen: metalhead, spoken-word poet, mathematician, product-management intern, kilt-wearer, gay guy, and so much more.

There is life after the closet.