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Male - my history, in brief, and your opinions, please

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Tightrope, Jun 6, 2013.

  1. Tightrope

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    Ok, I've got some time to write this out. I'm a man.

    When I was about 7, I was aroused after seeing a woman's breasts when she finished breast feeding. It was my first time I recall being aroused because it sort of hurt. At about 10 and on, I went to the movies with my parents and saw some male actors that really got me going. It was about their look - usually dark hair and dark eyes and older, in their 30s. There was no skin shown on the men. Movies that showed women's breasts also aroused me. I got a hold of some Playboy magazines, and hid them, and I was aroused. I got a hold of some Playgirl magazines, and hid them, and I was aroused.

    Sex. A high school age friend began having sex with me. He led into this when having a smoke in the trees behind his house, but I willingly participated. I had a tough time trying to date girls in high school. I still had a group of guy friends, and none of them were jocks, but more of my friends were girls. At the end of high school, this friend took me to a situation where an older guy had sex with each of us, but not at the same time. It was the most intense orgasm I ever recall having. I was a high school senior. I went away to college. I realized I liked the masculine freshmen guys who looked 18 going on 23 and masculine seniors who looked 23 going on 27. If I was ever in the city, I liked suits. I only had sex with girls during college, though. If making out, holding a narrow waist, being tickled, or even holding hands with them, I got aroused easily. I had guy and girl friends. Some of the girl friends would sit around and talk about guys at school they thought were hot. I was both intrigued and hurt, at the same time. I wondered "What am I, one of your girlfriends?" I got rid of a lot of these girls who were so called friends.

    After I started working, I continued to check out the suits, just for their good looks, and would have considered sex, but never went there. Some girls made themselves available to me for sex and some did not. I started to feel resentment toward them when I got turned down. I'm not lying. In my late 20s, I was on vacation at a tourist beach. This area had a separate area which I found by asking myself "Why are these cars parked here, this far out?" It was a part of the beach with all guys. I messed around with someone and then stayed an extra two days and messed around with other guys the next few days. What went through my head is "Isn't this great? Didn't pay for a movie and dinner to get a hug, and here I just show up and get sex to a climax."

    I had also started lifting weights and got more into my appearance. In my 30s, I found guys to have sex with and this behavior became repetitive. It was all lower risk stuff. It was so easy to come by. If I got rejected, I didn't care. As far as women went, it was the same - dates that didn't result in sex or sex that was really needy and in search of a relationship. I didn't want one. If I had sex with them more than a handful of times, they would cry when I said I just wanted to be friends. I've never been that interested in relationships, and less as time went by. I've got intimacy issues. There's no doubt about that. I have messed around with married guys. I didn't bring them to these situations. They knew what they were doing. I probably wasn't their first. And I never sought them after an encounter trying to get into their personal lives. What some of them said is that guys "knew what turns a guy on" and the sex was more active and physical. I agreed with that. I've never had a performance problem with women, but I resented their passiveness in sex and having to ask what I wanted done.

    I had more casual experiences with guys. I wondered if I could perform for women after a while of not being with them. One time, I went into a bar for a drink. In the corner a woman about 30 who was showing off her new breast implants. Some guys were getting to feel them. I went over there, got a feel, and was instantly aroused. Here's how I feel about sex with men and women. Women have the right plumbing match up and men have better technique. I like intercourse and a women's breasts. I like men for you know what, and also if they have a nice somewhat hairy chest and a rugged handsome face. I do not like oral sex with women. Men and women also can be hard to be compatible with in sex. Some want to do way more and some want to do way less. I have probably been more, if not exclusively, romantically attracted to women. I have never been romantically attracted to men. If I become friends with a guy, that's good enough for me. I respond to a guy more easily on a sexual level and it feels like sport. I respond to a woman sexually when she makes it available to me and I find her attractive. So, my sexual and affectional motivations are very different. That's why I consider myself bisexual. I like sex and the physical feeling of two bodies together. I'm not in denial about the mix and match parts of sex. Still, this really messes with my head and I've stayed away from serious relationships.
     
  2. wrhla

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    Well, my opinion, for what it's worth, is that you're gay. It just sounds like you really like sex with men and not so much with women. You want something else from women, some sort of an emotional bond, but not sex. And on the other hand, you have kept sex and emotions separate with regard to men.

    Doesn't that sound about right to you?
     
  3. Tightrope

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    Somewhat. I like sex with men because they make it very easy to have sex with them. I have had sex with fewer women. To me, men are just hornier and women seem to dangle the carrot. However, the sex with women was fun when they made it very easy for me to obtain and didn't play head trips. I'll have intercourse with a woman with no problem and am not able to perform for the same act for a man. That doesn't interest me but, yeah, there are also gay men who aren't into "that" either. Briefly, I liked girls I wanted to be with and guys I wanted to be like. The actual ratio of good sex to all sex had with each gender is about equal though. The sexual experiences with men I really remember is when I got the type I wanted, which is the type I coveted. The others were just ways to climax. Operating from a position of envy is not a starting point for a same sex relationship. I told this to a guy at a liberal church who helped me with a rough period in my life a while back and he said "It'll come" - about the emotional bond to a man. Well, it's been a long while, and it never has. That's the issue here. I'm not separating emotions because there's nothing to separate. Some guys here have been married. I worried that, had I done that, I could have had a good emotional bond with a woman, if I was compatible with her, and also have good sex, if we were on the same frequency of likes and dislikes, and still wanted more, like occasional sex with men.

    I've met guys like this. They love their wives, they have sex with their wives, but they want to have sex with guys, and never become emotionally attracted to them, because it just means even more sex. They don't even view it as cheating. At least I do. They think sex with another woman would be cheating.
     
    #3 Tightrope, Jun 6, 2013
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  4. Spatula

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    From what I read you seem fairly evenly split in your attractions. Could it be that you're afraid of committing to a relationship because you're worried about shutting the door on whatever gender you're not dating at the time?

    @wrhla seriously what? He sounds like he has almost no emotional interest in women and that it's actually causing his difficulties since he's attracted to them sexually, but because of the way women pursue sex--ie getting into serious relationships, he feels left out in the cold.
     
  5. Tightrope

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    I think this is a huge piece of the puzzle. That's perceptive. Making a choice shuts the other door. The other thing, too, is that as I became more secure and grew into myself, I was amazed at my increased access to sex, which I didn't have earlier in my life, and I took advantage of that situation, though I have really slowed down. You are correct in that the emotional demands women make could spoil the sex for me, so I did real your whole post.
     
  6. wrhla

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    I was responding to comments such as these:

    "I have probably been more, if not exclusively, romantically attracted to women. I have never been romantically attracted to men. If I become friends with a guy, that's good enough for me. I respond to a guy more easily on a sexual level and it feels like sport. I respond to a woman sexually when she makes it available to me and I find her attractive. So, my sexual and affectional motivations are very different."

    "As far as women went, it was the same - dates that didn't result in sex or sex that was really needy and in search of a relationship. I didn't want one. If I had sex with them more than a handful of times, they would cry when I said I just wanted to be friends. I've never been that interested in relationships, and less as time went by. I've got intimacy issues."

    "Some of the girl friends would sit around and talk about guys at school they thought were hot. I was both intrigued and hurt, at the same time. I wondered "What am I, one of your girlfriends?" I got rid of a lot of these girls who were so called friends."

    I'd say this suggests some very complicated feelings about women. Romantic attraction, but a sort of disconnect between the idea of romantic love and sexual desire. Feeling of rejection and resentment.
     
  7. Tightrope

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    Yes. My feelings about women are complicated. And a lot of the interactions have not been positive. In the end, I've found it's hard to be friends with them. I used to have more girl or women friends because when I was a kid I thought boys and girls thought the same way but were just built differently, so I was more naive and open to all kinds of friends.
     
  8. Spatula

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    This seems to contradict your point though. If he's not interested in relationships how can you say he's only looking for romantic company and not sexual company? It sounds like the exact opposite from his post - sexually he seeks out both but romantically he's not much for either.

    This paragraph, in my mind, seems to preclude the possibility that he could be fully gay. Perhaps you could elaborate what led you to that conclusion?
     
  9. wrhla

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    I didn't use the term "fully gay." As I say, there are some very complicated feelings about women here. I think it would be extremely helpful for tightrope to explore these feelings, think about where they come from and how they affect the disconnect between sexual interest and romantic interest.

    That said, however, you (tightrope) talk at greater length about your sexual experiences with men than with woman and they seem to have made a deeper impression on you.
     
  10. Tightrope

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    Good point. With a guy, what else am I going to with his good looks, besides be his friend or acquaintance? With a woman, what if I don't want all the entanglements to have sex? In high school and college, hook ups with women are easier, especially in college. After 30 or so, there are less options because they are looking for Mr. Right. I don't want to be Mr. Right. At least not anymore.

    ---------- Post added 7th Jun 2013 at 02:27 PM ----------

    Correct, I've had more of them. And I know when chatting someone up will turn into sex pretty quickly, and with no strings attached. I respect all the posters here and see that there is now an atmosphere of waiting for the right person. I didn't grow up in that setting and mindset. It was a lot more casual and I'm a product of that. Actually, that mindset still exists with teens and 20-somethings.