Does it have to get worse before it gets better?

You have something in common with bornintexas, he likes bears I hope it gets better, I don't think I will ever be out to everyone, some can handle it & some can't, but I am now in undiscovered territory now

 

Man i'm in the same situation as u!
I've dated men before but it was only this year i realized i couldnt pretend to be straight anymore, it wouldnt be fair to myself.
a couple days ago i went to a lesbian club for the first time with a straight friend, the only one who i'm out to. i thought i would have a lot of fun and feel right but i actually felt really misplaced. Let's say the party was rather inexpensive and the girls were not realy hm good looking and well dressed so i didnt feel like trying to hook up with any. i only talked to a few nice girls in the line but that was it...

I had been actually thinking the same the last days, what do i do now? it don't feel right to straight anymore but i dont know which direction to take in the gay scene.
I was thinking of going to a club (a different one) all alone and see what happens, but i'm not that extrovert to just show up there and talk to people.
so yeah i don't know what's the next step now, i feel stuck

I hope we can both solve it!

 

The guy comes off as a jerk so sorry about that. Not everyone suits the bar scene and I get the feeling that maybe you don't like bars? Do you like to drink or dance? There are other ways to meet gay people too, like lgbt events, support groups or sport groups

 

@Dublin, :icon_wink

@Diego,

Welcome to the bear-loving club! There's nothing wrong with liking guys who are a little bit chubby, hairy, muscular, or just your average-cuppa-joe.

Just put that awkward situation behind you. From what you wrote, that guy sounds like an smartass anyway. So you're not interested in effeminate men? That's fine! It doesn't make you any less gay or more gay. I wouldn't want him as my friend anyway. And it's okay to not fit into the gay scene. I rarely ever fit anyway.

It's great that you put yourself out there to find friends. I don't even have much confidence to do that, nor do I have well the privilege to get into a bar or somewhere I can find some more LGBT friends. I have to wait until college. So for now, I'm using EC! This is a great place, EC. You're bound to find a LOT of friends here. Or you can go the extra mile and join a local LGBT support group/club. Do you know if there are any in your area?
.

 

Oh, Belgium! Neat. We have a couple people here from Belgium. The first to come to mind is Filip.

Thanks for your wishes. There is nothing I would like more than to be in college right now. xD

If there are plenty, you should try some more out if you didn't exactly find the first one comforting. Some are just right for people, and some are kind of awkward. Find the one you like best.

Oh, you poor thing. (*hug*) I've never experienced a break-up, but it must be super hard. EC is here to support you, 100%.

 

Someone mentioned Belgium and my name in one sentence? You do know that that's like a summoning ritual, right? You don't want to know what happens if you say that five times to a mirror

On a more to-the-point note: I can actually relate pretty well (jeez, we're really selling the Belgian gay bar scene to outsiders here :rolle
The times I ever went to gay bars or gay events were... interesting, to say the least.

First time was what I'd call a successful failure. I was out for all of three weeks, and my friends decided the time had come to go to a gay bar and give me a push in the back. One of my friends has actually been out since we were 17 (I waited until I was 25), and knew "just the place for me". I'll admit, it was interesting to see I was not the only gay in the village after all. And it was not the worst place to sit in the corner and do some people-watching. On the other hand, that was all I did: sit in the corner and go "trynottolookgay, trynottolookgay" to myself. Meanwhile my friends had fun flirting with the natives. Apparently a few of them commented "your straight friend in the corner seems to be feeling awkward" xD

It wasn't until months later until I got dragged along with my gay friend again, though that time he had the forethought to actually make it just me, him and some of his other gay friends that I hadn't met before. Nice people, but it was still a bit awkward. They'd all been out for almost a decade and tried breaking the ice by sharing stories about gay life. It was obvious they tried to relate on topics like dating, popular gay hangout spots, "local legendary gay figures". And one even tried breaking the ice by asking me whether I was more of a top or a bottom. I had no answer whatsoever to any of their stories or questions. All I had was the story of the 5 people I came out to. Coming out was, to them, a pretty distant memory, though.
Over the next hour, it was clear that some exasperation was happening as both me and they were using every technique in our respective books to break the ice, and failing miserably at bulding a common ground. Ironically, it ended up we managed to relate on video gaming, and we just avoided that we were gay for the rest of the night. It was just like hanging out with straight people after that. Still, turned out I survived talking to gay people, so it was not that bad for a confidence builder.

Okay, by now this is sounding like a horror story of not fitting in. Which it isn't intended to be. I'm just writing this to show your experience is hardly unique. Finding your way takes falling and standing up and there's a whole lot of falling in the beginning. And sometimes you fall because some jerk just can't be bothered to even lend you a hand.

BUT!
This is where I'll bring in the light at the end of the tunnel: it does get easier over time. When faced with something new, no one feels like they fit in at first. But as long as you repeat and improve on what works, and avoid what doesn't, you'll end up developing your own strategy for socialising. I used to be a total wallflower and I'm still no social superhero. But where I was once a bumbling wreck when faced with people, I have been known to survive a few hours by myself in a bar, have a few casual conversations with people, and actually have people recognise me when I go there again.

Not saying that what helped for me is what will work for you. But some things I used as confidence boosters:
- I generally approach gay people as if I'd approach straight people. Mentioning sexuality in the first ten minutes somehow has a way of making some things awkward. Let alone mentioning what type you're into. If you're in a gay bar, odds are you're both gay and you know it. Essentially, you can treat that part as gotten out of the way already. So I go for the more traditional conversation starters: "Do you come here often?" "Where are you from?" "What do you do in life?" "Pheh, good to be inside in such a cold summer like this one!". If you find literally no connection on those fronts, both being gay isn't going to help you.

- If you find a place you like, it pays to show your face a couple of times. Say you like the atmosphere and the locals don't look TOO uninviting... then often what you need to do is build some "face". Go in for one drink, stay close to the bar, talk a bit to the bartender if it's a slow enough night for them to have time (they're trying to sell you something, so many bartenders tend to at least actively try to make you comfortable). Then move on. Do that a couple of times and some of the regulars will start to recognise you, which makes fitting in rather more easy.

- And honestly, the one that got me the most gay friends: don't just trust on gay bars and GLBT societies to get you gay friends. If there's one thing to love about Belgium, it's that you can be pretty open about your sexuality pretty much anywhere. I'm out at Judo practice, when I'm going quizzing, to several people at work, to neighbours, etc...
People know people and sometimes they know gay people. Yes, it's the slow method. Friends don't introduce you to other gay friends of theirs everyday. But especially in a rather accepting country like this one, a lot of gay people just don't take part in the "gay scene", and can only be stumbled upon.


So, in the end, after a few interesting failures early on, I managed to find a good mix of people for friends, and I'd say I'm no total slouch in social circumstances anymore. And I have every bit of confidence you'll find your way too!

 

Yup, a total jerk. Which just proves that sexuality has nothing to do with what kind of person you are, one finds jerks and nice guys all over the spectrum of sexuality. I have never had that unpleasant encounter with a stranger before, but I can totally understand how uncomfortable it must have been! Though, if it had been me, I probably would have gone over to the older lonely guy just in spite, and struck up a random conversation with him instead. I can get a bit demonstrative, lol. Besides, chances are you would have gotten a much more rewarding conversation out of the older guy, than the snotty punk. My apologies for being blunt, a**-wipes bring out the worst in me, lol.

And don`t feel like you`re the only one feeling socially awkward, we`ve all been there. I spent most of last years Pride Festival on my lonesome, and had some really weird moments trying to engage in conversation. I think it was about 1`clock night-time before I finally found a group that was welcoming and I could sit with for conversation (and some random flirting with a pretty red-head ). Point is, don`t give up and don`t get discouraged. Taking chances means sometimes falling on your butt, it`s worth it though

Focus more on the fact that you had the guts to strike up a conversation with a stranger, and just forget about the fact that said random stranger turned out to be a total douche. That`s his problem!

Good for you that you`re out there, stretching your limits and testing out new waters! It`s a brave thing to do

 

Ah, well, good memories do often start with doing something a little out of our comfort zone, and I am glad I went out. I love pride festivals. The atmosphere is always so awesome, with so many people in a wonderful moods!

And you`re welcome, I`m sure you`ll have tons more chances to get to know someone a little more likeable, lol

 

Brussels, actually. I'm originally from closer to those parts (Leuven, to be precise) before I moved westwards, and the gay friend who dragged me along still works there. And unfortunately I was too awkward to properly listen in the first place.

So all I can remember is that somewhere in Brussels, there's some guys who are amazingly effeminate and get into some major drama including some really scandalous sexual adventures. Which is probably a good summary of all gay gossip ever told anywhere xD


It is my firm personal belief that most people do have a bit of social anxiety in them. You just don't see it too well. There have been cases where I really had to suppress a minor panic attack in social occasions, only to hear from people I looked so wonderfully relaxed.
Hell, maybe rude guy had that too: "Oh dear! Unknown guy is trying to start a conversation! PANIC! Try to point him elsewhere, anywhere! Drunk old guy at the bar will do!".
Okay, maybe he was just a jerk. Though I guess that generally I go for the most favourable interpretation, as it helps me feel less anxious when people act weird.


And... I'm not one to talk about how Belgium is a big coming-out paradise. I tried not deviating from the norm for the longest time. I spent about two years being homophobic to the one friend who needed my support (sometimes I think dragging me to gay bars was revenge rather than supportiveness on his side ), and after that I spent about 6 years being OK with gay people as long as I didn't have to be one of "that kind of guys". And when I came out to my mom I actually had a bag packed in case she'd throw me out. So I coming-out is pretty hard regardless of where you do it. And hate is something many of us need to overcome.

One last thing: you don't need too much liquid courage. Personally, I tend to drink two glasses at most. Beyond that point, you might open up more to people, but in a way that ends you up with people you wouldn't want to hang out with sober