I know this sounds awful but it's honest. I can't think of myself as any other way than gay, despite the fact that I tried so hard to pass as straight for so many years and did so successfully, in the eyes of others at least. Of course I suffered with the self-rejection and the deceit. But, do I feel good to be gay? No, not really because the way I've handled it has led to so much suffering and as my family breaks up, it will lead to a great deal of sadness for everybody concerned. It would be so much easier and in a way better if I could be straight. But, I'm not and of all the different beings on earth (this is the awful part) the people I really can't deal with are straight men so why would I want to be one? How's that for confused?
I was in no way trying to downplay all of the anxiety and suffering. I still feel all of those things at moments, though less than I used to. I meant that despite it all, there's an odd way that, for me, homosexuality feels like a gift. A gift I resisted because it made me uncomfortable and didn't want to be seen with. But a gift all the same.
Wrhla, I really didn't take your post in that way at all; i didn't think you were gloating; you have every right to celebrate and it helps me to hear the positive as I get sunk into negativity a great deal. I haven't found anyone on EC who has not been supportive..
Yeah, it sucks that people get hurt. But I'm not gay and I've had to make decisions based on who I am and what I need that "hurt" the ones I love. If you we're straight there would just be some other challenge. Seriously, guys, it's the environment you're in that's defining what is and isn't a problem. Direct the negativity at society's failure to evolve in a timely manner. The average person is waaay more f-ed up than can be explained by who they're attracted to.
