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ok for everyone else

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by momof3, May 27, 2013.

  1. momof3

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    Growing up, the terms "lesbian," and "gay" were the biggest insult one could give to another. I think this is keeping me from even admitting to myself that I am a lesbian. Just thinking it feels shameful. Anyone else have this problem?

    In addition, I joined the Mormon church at 18 years of age. I'm 34 years old now. I absolutely hate being Mormon, but that's another thing I have not come out to anyone about yet. I think hearing their beliefs about gay people for so many years have caused me a lot of hateful feelings towards myself. I am a very caring and compassionate person to others. I completely accept others' sexual orientation, but I can't accept it for myself.
     
  2. Femmeme

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    I think that's a pretty normal phase for those of us coming out later in life.

    For me just recognizing that I felt like being gay was ok for everyone BUT me was one of the biggest clues that, yep I'm absolutely gay.

    What you're talking about is called internalized homophobia and it's something we all have to grapple with to some extent. I think us later in life people have had a harder time with it, leading us to live lives of repression and denial.

    We direct all that hatred and homophobia we absorb not outward to other people, but inward at ourselves. It creates this barrier of self loathing that prevents us from having authentic relationships, even with ourselves.

    I think it helps to really focus on learning to love and accept yourself NO MATTER WHAT. I went through a phase where I got up every morning and looked at myself in the mirror and said "I'm a lesbian" with the idea that it was "just for today." Like, today I'm going to think about myself as though I'm a lesbian, maybe not tomorrow but today YES. It's helped a lot. Each day it makes me face a little piece of that internalized homophobia and deal with it.

    I know it's hard, but the alternative is having your entire life be a lie.
    (*hug*)
     
    #2 Femmeme, May 27, 2013
    Last edited: May 27, 2013
  3. Zoe

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    Hello Mom,

    It's so common for us to treat people so much better than we treat ourselves. We tend to be more understanding, more forgiving, more patient with others than we ever are of ourselves. We should always treat ourselves as though we were our friend (easier said than done, I know.)


    This may be a little silly, but it might give you a place to start. Imagine that you are your best friend. What would you say to yourself if you were her best friend, someone she trusted and loved?

    Maybe write a letter to yourself as your best friend. Remember--you're not you, you're your best friend. Pretend you've shared your struggles with this friend, what would she say to you?

    This may help you express kindness toward yourself and begin to internalize it.

    Above all, be kind to yourself.

    --Zoe

    ---------- Post added 27th May 2013 at 03:33 PM ----------

    I did this exact same thing. I said to myself, for today, think of yourself as a lesbian--what's it like? It help me a great deal. Still does.

    --Z
     
  4. arturoenrico

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    What you're talking about is called internalized homophobia and it's something we all have to grapple with to some extent. I think us later in life people have had a harder time with it, leading us to live lives of repression and denial.
    We direct all that hatred and homophobia we absorb not outward to other people, but inward at ourselves. It creates this barrier of self loathing that prevents us from having authentic relationships, even with ourselves.



    Femmeme: profound; your words really struck a chord for me.

    Momof3,

    I'm not a religious person but it seems to me that it's primary in almost every religion not to judge others but love them as they are. This is also what we can do for ourselves. There's a great documentary, Anyone and Everyone, that was on public TV last year. It is really targeted for teens and the trials various families had in accepting their child's sexuality. However, the most moving parent on there was a Mormon mom who had so much trouble accepting her son at first. The transition she makes and the strength she shows along with authentic spirituality-- well it's very moving and may be relevant for you.
    Good luck. Look for support. Be kind to yourself.
     
  5. springazure

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    Momof3- I can really empathize with what you are saying, that "I completely accept others' sexual orientation, but I can't accept it for myself."

    Until only the past few months have I begun to tell people that I want to start dating women, after taking a break from a 10 year relationship with a man. And while I was struggling very deeply with all this during this winter, this particular irony that you also mention made me feel quite embarrassed: that I was pro-gay marriage/gay rights, supportive of my sister who is queer, etc., and yet I still could not accept myself. And most all of my friends/family are similarly supportive of gay rights. During this time and even now, I have been asking myself- why am I still so afraid of labeling myself as gay or lesbian? I think because for 32 years I have been trying SO HARD to convince myself of otherwise, and had grown "comfortable" with the discomfort; and so it's not surprising it would take some time to rewire.

    I used to say to myself "I am gay", in a whispered voice (if I'd had a few drinks!) or maybe I'd write it down quickly on a piece of paper and then tear it up. I don't know if that actually helped me, but in retrospect, it seems like this self-knowledge was just bursting out of me, despite my best efforts.

    I will say that there are so many steps to this whole process (and I still feel like I'm just at the beginning)- but just by writing your post, that seems like a great single step for today. One more thought: A big part of coming to terms with my sexual orientation has been about how do better deal with my fear of the unknown. Before all this happened, I saw my future in front of me- married to a husband etc. Now, I have no idea what will happen and somehow letting go of that need to control and know the future feels better to me.
     
  6. wrhla

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    Yes. I have had lots of gay friends and colleagues and in the abstract I saw nothing "wrong" with it. Yet I could never allow myself to simply acknowledge that I was gay—not even to myself.

    I agree that the problem is internalized homophobia to some extent. But it's also just being wedded to a certain self-image that we develop and regard as an absolute truth.
     
  7. greatwhale

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    Same thing applied to me:

    I couldn't see it, because I couldn't believe it.

    By the way, can I ask the OP how you came to join the Mormons when you were 18?
     
  8. momof3

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    I joined at 18 because a friend invited me and I liked how everyone was so accepting of me. I grew up with a very critical mother and church gave me the love I did not receive at home.
     
  9. greatwhale

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    I asked because I "chose" a religion (Judaism) at the age of 25, but I see it now more and more as a defence against facing my orientation...does this make any sense to you?
     
  10. Ohana

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    I second this idea. A pivotal moment for me in the process of coming out, deciding to leave my husband was when my therapist asked me, "What would you say to your daughter if she came to you with these feelings/this issue?" She challenged me to treat myself with the same compassion and respect and love that I would my child. That really changed things for me...allowed me to exhale and begin to consider possibilities I couldn't before.
     
  11. ShinyNSilver

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    To reconcile my past religious beliefs with being gay, I started to think about how we are all unique individuals. Momof3, there is only one you in this world. If you believe we were created by a creator and if that creator loves you, consider being what you were created to be. Honor your soul and become fully you. The world will be a better place. I say this to myself a lot to try to have the courage to do just that.

    Femmeme, I know all about internalized homophobia. Trying to work through it. I just joined this group. So glad I stumbled across it. What an encouraging group.
     
  12. Jill2013

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    I am in my sixties. I grew up in the 50s and 60s. There would be shows with gay guests on talk radio where they would disguise the guests' voices and they would talk of the horrid discrimination. When I started working it was the "Mad Men" era. I knew I was a lesbian in my feelings from about the age of 3, but I did not come out until I was 25, and I did not reach a comfortable acceptance until I was 35. I moved to California - a really good idea for a gay person - and have lived as openly as possibly without walking around with a rainbow banner. Every now and then I still observe a moment or event where something I do, say or feel carries a small residual of shame. While I mostly thought I got past the shame years ago, some recent events in my life have made me realize those residual traces are still there, and also that I've shed most (maybe hopefully all) of them in the last year. The public acknowledgement that gays and lesbians are entitled to full citizenship by the President and key figures has affected me more deeply than I expected.

    We all have our stuff to deal with. It hasn't stopped me from having a 22 year relationship with a wonderful woman and living a full and interesting life. It doesn't have to stop you.
     
  13. arturoenrico

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    I have always accepted people's sexuality with no problem. Last year, before I came out to my wife, I co-hosted a party to celebrate the wedding of two women who live on our block who had recently married after 36 years of togetherness. So, accepting myself is the issue.
     
  14. MrSpence

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    I totally agree with you guys on internalized homophobia . I'm suffering from it myself. It's hard to take the negative connotation that society gives to the word gay when telling yourself that you infact are gay. I know for me coming out a year ago was hard, as it is on everyone, and tackling this identity of my new life as a gay man has been a challenge. I felt more comfortable closeted , but only because it was "safe" and because I had presumed that lifestyle for 26 years. Thanks to you guys I've been as to see things from a different angle and you guys call me out on my own BS, which I like :wink: I know it will get easier...embracing yourself as a unique, one of a kind individual is key in moving past this internal battle of emotion. right now I am also enduring the same circumstance present time ! Good luck! :wink:
     
  15. DrWhoFan

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    Absolutely the case with me. I had no issue with gay people, had friends who happened to be gay, would always be against gay jokes... and yet, I could not see it in myself until my subconscious absolutely hammered it into my head.
     
  16. Zoe

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    For me, I never had a problem with people being gay--it simply wasn't an issue I thought about a lot. But I know the stereotypes were part of what held me back from recognizing my own homosexuality. I kept thinking, Oh, is that what a lesbian is like? Then I can't be one!

    Not to say that the stereotypes were negative--I just didn't fit them. And this was just silly because I know that stereotypes are just that and don't represent real people. And yet, when it came to applying them to myself, I didn't see it that way at all. It seemed much more black and white: I'm not the stereotype, so I must not be gay. End of story.

    Sigh. This is was society can do to us.

    --Zoe
     
  17. MrSpence

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    As a gay man , I still relate to this Zoe. So true, the stereotypes that I don't fit are constantly making me feel like I can't recognize myself for who I am...but I am lol...the mind plays tricks!!!