Marriage falling apart. 2 kids. Gay or bi father.

It's not your fault you got raped. I'm sorry they did that to you. I think working through your assault experience may lead you to lots of answers regarding your current life and relationship.

I'll write more later. I gtg now, but I'm very interested in you making sense of all of it and finding peace. But PLEASE don't blame yourself for the rape. Even if part of it was physically pleasurable it was still assault. Rape fantasy doesn't mean you actually want real rape. You were raped. You also enjoy gay sex. Two separate statements.

Love.
Happymom

 

I urge you to check out at MaleSurvivor (sorry if the link violates site policy) I am a survivor as well and there is a ton of great information out there to help some sense out of things that are really really tough to make sense of.

This is an excellent sub forum for gay/bi/trans survivors. Not sure where you are from but you are those kids father and regardless of which path you choose to follow in your life you won't stop being there father-there are options and your marriage ending does not give her the right either morally or legally to banish you from their lives.

 

Hi, I did not get "raped" but was forced into orally servicing some guys 6 years older when I was 10. I do not tie that into being gay at all. To me it was just something that happened.

In hindsight I suspect my best friends older brother was using him for sex. This older brother was one of the guys in the group that got me in the woods. No proof, just suspect it. He was the neighbourhood bully.

I was not raped and never had nightmares about it so I cannot totally relate.

For me, and I can only speak for me, the forced oral sex had no bearing on my sexuality, it was a bad event that said nothing about me but spoke volumes about the older guys.

 

I'm sorry for what you went through as well...I'm driven to understand as well and have many of the same questions as you. Just when I think I've got a grip on it questioning begins again.

I can tell you that most certainly you didn't provoke it-you didn't deserve it. No child is capable of either...

My struggle has been whether my sexual desires were imprinted or were a natural orientation that would have surfaced regardless of what had happened to me. For me in my search I'm pretty confident it is a natural orientation as the more I search the more I remember about thoughts and feeling that occurred before or aside from any abuse.

So my struggle has very much turned into a struggle about just who exactly I am-gay or bi sexual and what has been impacted by the abuse or by internal homophobia...Its a viscous cycle and I just wish it would all either stop or be easier-either way just that it'd all become clear.

I don't know the answers but I hope you find happiness and whatever the path don't allow anyone to blackmail or guilt you into not finding the happiness that you deserve.

 

Hi there and welcome to EC. Working through all this is certainly difficult but I'm glad to see that you've already connected with a couple of prople here who can relate to your situation.

As for you wife and children, I don't think she really has any legal grounds to stand on. They are your kids - so she can't keep them from you. Both of you would benefit from counselling - individually and as a couple. Not to save the marriage but to learn how to get along going foreward - because you will always be parents to your two kids.

Good luck - and again, welcome to EC

 

Hey Nero,

Glad you joined this site. Welcome. I agree with everyone else who has commented above to support you. I want to add that you were traumatized and terrified. You may even have feared for your life at that time and certainly lived in fear that this kind of attack could happen again. I don't know for sure what your sexuality is, but I do think given what you've been through, it can be really hard to sort out who you are sexually. I hope you can find a therapist who knows how to work with these issues. It takes a great deal of strength to tell your story and as painful as it is, I hope it will lead to healing.

 

Pure BS! You will see the kids again and see plenty of them. As a matter of fact, we are not even years away from kids understanding that some dads are gay, and having no problem with it whatsoever. Even if the ex has issues with it, the kids might just reject her before you. It all depends on your relationship with them.

You do not deserve a miserable life. You are a good man, young still and good enough looking, and smart enough to work through it all. You are just coming to terms with many issues, and you will be fine. You just need to keep writing it all out and asking questions. And you need a good therapist. One who is gay and can help you with that issue. It seems that you have two or three separate issues to work through, and they are each important, but can get mixed up together causing confusion. Take one thing at a time.

Be glad that being gay in this era is so much easier than even a couple of years ago. So many guys coming out almost daily, it is exciting.

 

Hi Nero. You are a brave man to be sharing your painful story. I imagine that you are working hard to manage anger. Like someone said, write it out. You don't deserve it applied to yourself. Find a safe therapist. Yes a male or gay therapist might be strong and hold whatever negative feelings linger. Either gender can be good though.
I hope that over time you can find your way free to stand tall with who you are and not feel trap by the tough dilemna of stay with family or loose hope of being the father i bet you can be so good at.