Married, but miserable...

Hello Drs--

I agree with CB on not putting the I Have Been Unfaithful part in big letters. When I scanned your letter, that jumped right out at me. I'm sure it will for your wife, too. And it'll probably get her very upset immediately and make it more difficult for her to take in what you're saying.

I know this is difficult, but I, too, would recommend you tell her out loud first. You care for her and you've been with her a long time. You know that this has nothing to do with her. I think she deserves to hear you actually say it to her.

I think the letter is still a good idea. The conversation is bound to be emotional, and you may not get around to saying things to her you want to say. That's where the letter can come in handy. At some point (perhaps at the end of the conversation), you may say, "This is very difficult, but I wanted to make sure I said certain things to you. I've written them down to make sure I remembered to tell you. Please take this letter and read it when you're ready."

With that in mind, I'll second the idea that I'd use the letter to also mention all of the godo things in your marriage: Good memories, what you love and appreciate about your wife, emphasize how hard this is because you do care so much for you. These are the things that, if I were her, I'd want to have in writing so I can refer to them when things get icky. You may want to have a way to reminder her again and again that this is no about her.

So that's my advice. Good luck. Let us know how it goes. I'm thinking about you.

--Zoe

 

Hey!

Good work writing a letter that has so many hard things to say. You know your wife and none of us do. So, you know best and you should trust your instinct. I would agree that actually saying it face to face may feel better for you once you get it over with. It might help you in feeling strong and confident. You need as much reinforcement as you can get that it's perfectly okay and normal to be gay and you'll be reinforcing it yourself to say it out loud. If you can face your wife and say that you can do anything. But, there are lots of reasons it might not be best and if the letter is the way you need to do it then I think it's better. I've had to have scary conversations that I think are kind of on the same level of gravity and even though I felt like I was gonna poop my pants, it felt better to just have out with it. And telling all the truth and not hiding the fact that you've been unfaithful is good.

The only reason I'm replying is because I thought to myself when I read your letter, "how would I have wanted my husband to come out to me if he did?" and although I'm not the same as your wife I can offer that perspective for what it's worth. First of all, it would have be AWESOME if my husband had come out to me. Instead I had to make the call that we should divorce and then go on to explain that to family and friends that didn't "get it" because he's such a perfect guy, without being able to mention that I thought he was gay. So, first of all I think you're doing her a favor in coming out. It might not seem like it initially, but in the long run she'll see that. You could also gently remind her of that if she gets upset. Would she rather you just keep lying about it when now you KNOW that you can't "get over" being gay? You're being honest because you love her and don't want to lie to her just to get what you need to be fulfilled. And now she can find fulfillment, too. So, that said, I wanted my husband to come out to me, but he didn't.

How would I have wanted him to do it? I think I would have wanted a face-to-face. I wouldn't have wanted to feel "tricked" so I wouldn't have wanted him to arrange a special time or place. I think I would have wanted him to find a moment when things were calm but not super light or super heavy and just say, "Sweetheart, I need to talk to you," look me in the eyes, tell me he's gay, say that he loves me, but that my suspicions were true, and how can we move forward in a way that makes us all as happy as possible?

I would have needed to hear that nothing was wrong with me. That I wasn't some easy target cover wife, but that he genuinely loved me. That if there was anyone he could be straight for he wanted it to be me and that that's what he'd be trying to do. That it was a lie to himself first and foremost that led to the lie to me, not that he was completely honest with himself and then flat out chose to lie to me. Does that make sense? I can forgive a misled decision easier than I can forgive a deliberate decision to lie. And it sounds to me in your case that you just kind of fell into leading a straight life because that's what societal and familial forces push people into. It doesn't sound like you married to maliciously cover all the affairs you were having. You married her because that sounded good to you and that's the life you wanted when you believed the lie you were telling yourself. I've gotten off track, but I think it's important to reassure her as much as you can while still telling the truth. It's not her fault, she's not defective or anything.

I would've wanted to know that our marriage brought him happiness in every other possible way and that he was grateful for the "mistake" because of our child and every other good thing in our marriage. I would want to know that he still hoped for a close and loving friendship if at all possible. I would've also appreciated his willingness to help me financially while I put my own life back together and continued raising our child.

I probably would've felt like a fool and been angry that I'd been lied to and not known that he was cheating. I would be afraid that my friends or family knew before me, so it's good that it sounds like she's the first to know. I probably would've wanted to understand what it meant, or how it works. Like when we got married how much did he know? Is or was sex with me completely revolting? I think it would've hurt to know that he'd been forcing himself and would've not been as difficult if I believed that sex was still sex (at least at some point in our marriage) and felt good because he loved me, but just wasn't all that it could be because of a more gay than straight sexual orientation. I don't know where she is with all that but I can sort of understand I think. If society told me I was supposed to have sex with women then I could see myself going along with it and functioning sexually, but I know that deep down I'd prefer men. If she's able to put herself in your shoes it might help. But that won't work, I guess if she's freaked out by the thought of sex with women. Just a thought.

I've probably said more than is helpful, but I just want to support you in your effort to come out. Although it is huge and scary and will change everything it is good and healthy and will help everyone reach their happiness potential. Remember that she's the same woman that's gotten through other hard times with you and trust her. Be open and resist being defensive or angry as much as you possibly can. She's gonna have her reaction and she's entitled to that. Give her some time to go through that. You never know, she might be relieved. I would've been because I knew something was wrong and was left to figure it out and that led to all kinds of scary imaginings.

Remember that your coming out to her is gonna be about her at first. Over time she'll be able to focus more on you and your ordeal. But for now, be ready for it to be her ordeal for a little while. One day she'll see that you've been through a lifetime of difficulty. The more you can support her while simultaneously sticking to your guns the less it will make sense for her to attack you. On that note, trying to restrict who she can and can't tell isn't really fair to her. This a bomb for her. She has a right to cope how she needs to and if sharing will help her you owe it to her to be a man and let her do that. You can and should remind her that you're not out yet and you'd like her to consider that when she shares with people, but ultimately that's one of the consequences of the choices you've made. Unfortunately, you being gay is now her issue too, because you married her. So, it's not really fair to tell her she shouldn't tell people. It'd be considerate of her to keep it on the DL, but honestly it's her perogative to get support wherever she wants. Of course it'd be decent of her to "protect" you, too. But, really the more secretive everything is the worse our society is toward LGBT folks. Our world needs to get over this already and being brave and out and letting go of that will help us get there.

Good luck!

 

I came out to my husband via an email (after failing in several conversations in a row in the days running up to it). I don't feel good about that and wish I'd done it in person, though it worked out okay. I felt worse that I cheated (that's actually the most awful thing I did), but I lied to him about that part for kindness (and cowardice, it wasn't necessary for him to understand - just said I knew I was interested in someone who we both knew and wanted to start a relationship). It's up to you, but I think I wouldn't put the unfaithful part as a headline, even if it is the hardest thing to admit to and the thing you want forgiveness for the most.

 

I hope that the time to think is beneficial is beneficial for you. You have already come a long way. In the few days since your first post you sound much more clear in your own mind, and seem to be more consciously planning your way ahead. There will still be ups and downs but you will get there in the end. Best wishes.

 

drs,

I just read your heartfelt letter. I recently spent 3 wks working on a letter of honesty to my wife, a bit different from yours, but no less honest and vulnerable. I just wanted to share with you my experience with my "letter of honesty."

I didn't know if I would really give it to her, but I continued to hone it - all the while honing myself and my thoughts and feelings. We were in the middle of one more argument and suddenly I felt the urge to go there. I pulled it out and read it out loud to her. Her immediate reaction was rage - defensive anger - talking over me, spitting nails. I continued. It was a long letter - and by the time I was toward the end was literally shaking and quaking -- but I continued. Through my tears, I continued. In the end she never heard any of it as intended - but I felt lighter, cleaner, vulnerable as hell - crying and shaking - but free, also. It takes courage to be that vulnerable - and once it's done, you've turned down a road that there's no turning back from. It's done -- and there's a rush from the courage that takes. The rush of feeling courage in the face of fear really began to rise the next day - and continues. I don't think I would have arrived at that w/o having read it out loud to her - in my own voice.

I offered her the copy - which she took and has reread and apologized for her overreaction. We're still in a very difficult patch, but so are thousands of other couples - straight, gay, bi, whatever - it's a human struggle. This past weekend in the midst of another fight I ended up reading it to her again. Mine is different from yours though - in that it's not about sexuality and there's no remorse. "It is what it is," is a frank place I live from after living with cancer. Ours is a bit more complicated - and has to do with respect, listening, lack of vulnerability, defensiveness, anger and a thousand other things bubbling up in this final chapter - which in my mind is never final until it's over. We will probably look like a hundred more things as we travel through our struggle - together, apart, side by side, whatever. We'll always be a part of each others lives - with children and grandkids. We love each other - we just also hurt each other - and it needs to stop.

Good luck in your own vulnerability. Something I heard recently that helped: "Don't be afraid of being afraid."

On that note: Strength and courage to you.

 

drs, great letter! But I'm with the others, tell her face to face. You can also give her the letter afterwards, but something like this it seems is the kind of thing to tell her in person, hard as it will be -- for me it was probably the hardest thing I've ever done.

Writing the letter is a great idea though, even if you didn't give it to her, because it probably helped you think through the things you want to communicate to her. It'll be hard but I think you've made it clear how agonizing this has been and is for you.

Seconding aliveandwell's wish of strength and courage to you!

 

Hi im Jake I am in the same boat as you I am 23 been married for 2 1/2 years and I didnt relize it in the beggeining but as time moved on I have become more interested in being with a guy and its driving me into depression

 

Drs-

Glad you're back. Please continue to share with us. I'm much further along in my own situation now, and I may have more concrete advice to give, as I know many others have as well.

What became of the letter idea?

Zoe

 

First of all, congratulations on that big step you took. I think hardest step of all is to accept your sexual preference. Many of us have trouble accepting our sexuality and above all accepting ourselves.
Once that big step is taken, the rest is easy (in a way).
The best thing is to talk honestly with your wife and explain the situation. Speak clearly and express your feelings on your trip as it can help her a little to understand the situation.
It is clear that at first may be feelings of disappointment, betrayal, detachment but that's something not up to you to solve, because they are her feelings and each of us is responsible for our feelings. You will have to give her time to understand the situation, understand it and accept it.
Also, get rid of feelings of guilt and selfishness, as those won’t help at all. Being honest and publicly accept your sexuality will make you feel more confident.
If possible, go to a therapist to help you cope with the process, because during that journey are doubts, guilt and feelings that cloud affect your judgment. A person with the necessary experience can help lessen those feelings.
Congratulations for giving you the opportunity to open up to a relationship with a person of the same sex. You're about to meet and really enjoy yourself.

 

This advice, while coming from a good place, troubles me. I think that your situation would only be made worse if you pretend like your wife's feelings are not your business. She is your wife, after all, not some stranger. You don't want to hurt her anymore than the situation itself if going to hurt her. Also, there would be no use in denying that you have nothing to do with her feelings being hurt-you married her. You have been living in denial most of your life and are tired of it, why be in denial now about how your actions affect your wife's feelings?

I would encourage you to acknowledge your wife's feelings, that your decision to marry her long ago is now going to result in those feelings being hurt, and that you are sorry her feelings are hurt, and then help her understand and cope with the situation, if she will let you help. She deserves that much from you.

 

I totally understand what you mean, and I didn't want to sound that way. What I mean is that sometimes, although we do care about other's feelings, (and in this case, someone as important as your wife) we do not choose to hurt this person, and in case that those feelings come (betrayal for exaple), that person must come to terms with those feelings since we are just being sincere about it. There's no doubt that we should care about feelings, but sometimes there's not much that we can do. From my personal experience, There's nothing I could do for my mom so she couldn't feel that. As much as I explained what I felt, she kept on feeling betrayed, so I gave her time since I didn't do anything wrong.

 

Wow, this is a powerful thread. I'm curious to the end, hoping for the best RTS. I'm rooting for you.

 

You sure writing a letter is the best way to go about this? I know it's easier to express ourselves through written thought...but I'm just thinking it is prolly better handled by an actual conversation. Sorry..I think "writing a letter" is a cop out. I think you need to man up and tell her face to face.

Here's something that should make it a little easier: she already knows you are gay. You don't get busted in gay chat rooms on a couple of occasions without the other person drawing a specific conclusion..that'd be like me getting busted watching gay porn and saying that I'm just studying their technique. No one ever buys the "nothing to see here..move along" defense. She already knows...so it's not like it gonna be some huge, out of the blue shock when/if you tell her.

Will she be upset that she is confronted with the reality that she has always known since busting you and your internet activities? Sure. She will prolly be embarrassed as well...those are things that you have to consider.

But in the end..you gotta do what you gotta do to ensure your individual happiness.

 

Get Your head right over the guilt and shame . useless useless dangerous emotions .be at peace with who you are first get to a place of peace and acceptance for yourself. Then ... Tell her. Simply tell her. Allow your self peace with the self acceptance that you've already made. My wife ended our 15 year marriage to Persue a love interest. I struggled to accept my true self, to accept my self as gay. When I truly stopped allowing guilt, shame, and fear to derail me, then I came out to her, which connected all the dots and set her free from her guilt and shame over ending the marriage. The truth will set you both free. Also, when you truly accept yourself you'll be able to skip all the "keep my secret " stuff, allow it to be her story to tell. This whole bit about " I'm telling you but you can't tell anyone else " is no good for her. It's her story to tell as she wishes. I liken all that to having a dump on the dining room table and saying " don't clean that up, and I won't too!" No unloading and not allowing for clean up! No judgement, I wish you peace , you are good, welcome to your truth, cherish your power ...walk lightly, keep well , hope this helps. And of course I know nothing and wish you the best, only trying to help