I hear u about patience. In my situation my friend broke up with his gf only to get back together. I knew I needed to remind him how much I like him again (as u know we r moving together so I thought it necessary to remind him who he's moving with). I fully expected him to react horribly, but, much to my shock like 10 hours later he responded business as usual, no weirdness at all. The next day he played his little game of waking me up via text (yes we do this to each other as an annoyance, but I'm quite sure we both like it, cause he will let me know if he's taking a nap, knowing full well that I'd blow up his phone lol). Anyways he told me he was breaking up with his gf again for the final time and he was really pumped to move with me. I coached him through breaking up, he even used words in his breakup that I told him. But the next day he said I really didn't have an influence in it at all. I made a Facebook status and tagged him in it (a status about us moving, a status that up until then he had asked me to tag him in) and he deleted the status off his page. I haven't heard from him since. Mind u it's only been two days but this shows u how all over the map he is with his issues. One day he told me I was the only person to make him smile in over a week, and then broke up with his gf, the next day he's avoiding me at all costs. Talk about a test of patience...but I believe in both our cases, we are correct as to why they are behaving the way they do. In my case, I'd do anything to take away the pain, hurt, confusion, anger, sadness etc from him so he could be happy and I'd be miserable. I mean I'm miserable because I'm frustrated but its not even close to what he's dealing with right now.
Sorry to bump such an old thread, but I figured this would be better than starting a new one. This thread contains a lot of good information and I guess I'm lazy. I just need to get my thoughts and feelings out of my mind and this site is the best way for me. Thank you again everyone who has read anything I've written. So, I just got back from the road trip to Texas with my friend, the love of my life, the person who has changed my world more than i thought anybody ever could. Just as was warned, and as i suspected, it was a very emotionally draining experience. Two of the four days we were down there I spent the entire morning crying to myself. not that it was all bad, I think it was a great experience for the two of us to have together. It will definitely bring us closer together. Anyways, the greatest source of sadness was my friends attitude half the time. Not only sadness, but also confusion. First off, he was rather oddly homophobic the entire time. First instance requires some back story. Two weeks ago I took him to a stand up comedy show. One of the comedians, during his act, ended up stripping naked. This instance, 2 weeks later, still gets brought up by my friend. He went way out of his way letting the people we were with know how much he didn't like it. Several times after that he's brought it up again. Again he brought it up while listening to comedy in the car. The straight guys I was with all agreed that it was funny and haven't brought it up since. Secondly, he ended up booking us a hotel room with one bed. He booked the room himself almost 5 months ago. When checking in the attendant asked him if he wanted to switch to a room with 2 beds and he said no. Ok so now i'm excited. When we get up to the room he then freaks out, goes back downstairs, and makes the lady then switch us to a room with 2 beds. Still not sure why he booked a room with only one bed. Third, he seemed afraid of literally any physical contact between us. sure, emotionally he can act like were dating and be about as gay as you can get, but physically, if I so much as bump him with my arm or leg he recoils and pulls away violently. Especially this weekend in Texas. What I don't get is why someone who is so homophobic would become best friends with a guy that he knows is gay. And yet his own actions don't bother him at all... The second cause of grief for me was just being so close to him for so long. Waking up in the same room as him, spending almost every waking moment together, just trying to be there for him. It took what little emotional energy i had left and ripped it out of me. I'm now sitting at home, alone, wishing he were still by my side. Third was his attitude towards me at times. There were moments where he was actually quite a prick to me. At one point at the convention we were at, he told me he was trying to lose me. Then later he just left me and went off on his own. Funny enough though, ten minutes after going off by himself he ended up trying to hunt me down. When he couldn't find me he left and went back to the hotel. I think there he realized his mistake. After that he was much nicer to me the rest of the time. All in all I had a great time, even if I was slowly dying inside and am still now depressed with him not here with me. I guess I was expecting something to happen, not necessarily sexual, but just something along the lines of defining our friendship as something more. While I am somewhat disappointed, I think that once he reflects back on the experience he will realize how important I am to him. Sorry if all this is incoherent, but like I said, I just needed to get this off my chest. If anything this has proven how weird my friend really is. Also, it's become obvious that he doesn't really know up from down. I still feel that he has locked himself deep int he corner of his closet. So deep in fact that he's finding long lost Christmas presents from the 90's. Maybe I'm wrong and I will be stuck with life long torment, but one thing I know for sure, after spending this much time with him, I really do want to spend my life with him. even if he can be a selfish ass sometimes.
I just want the ability to be an emotional zombie. I want to be able to turn my heart cold and shut off feelings for other people. I want to make myself asexual and a-romantic. I'm not sure if this is even a possibility but it is a new goal in my life.
I really don't think that would be a very good way to go through life. Even if it is a bit rubbish I would rather be able to feel emotions than have none. It would ruin your ability to interact with anyone and make life not worth living. Also it seems that there must be a reason for you to say that.
When negative feelings severely outweigh the good, I feel like no emotions would be an improvement. I know that I won't be successful in this, but it is honestly what I want. I guess it's the only way I will be able to maintain my friendship with the person that this thread is about. He's so important and means so much to me. I honestly hate myself for feeling the way I do, even if his actions have caused me to feel this way. I'm just afraid that he will never come out and continue to torment me emotionally. I don't want to end one of the greatest friendships I've ever had, but there are times when I don't see any other way.
I see where you are coming from because I have felt as if the negatives far outweigh the positives at points and I unfortunately still do. I have found that doing activities you really enjoy helps to take your mind off things, even if only for a little while. I often feel very sad when on my own or when I hear love songs, so I try to amuse myself at all times (even doing homework helps a bit).
Yeah i've found myself on the verge of crying several times recently when hearing a love song. I've actually gotten quite used to the feelings of loneliness and sadness. It's just that this time, this guy actually makes me feel like all the sadness I've felt in my life is somehow worth something. Not to mention that he's often made me feel like I'm actually in a relationship with him. Maybe i should be happy with that fact but I can't help but want more. I can't help but craving something physical. If I could turn off all emotions I wouldn't have these sudden feelings of sadness because I can't progress our relationship into something physical. Then again I wouldn't enjoy our emotional connection anymore. It's all kind of a mindfuck. At least if I were dead inside I could happily live out my dream of living a solitary, self-sufficient life somewhere in the mountains.
To be completely honest, I'm actually kind of surprised that anyone else has read my whole story. Thank you, it means a lot just knowing that another person has felt compelled to follow my own self-made drama. I guess it just helps knowing that I'm not just being ridiculous and whining about something for no reason. The fact that you've read all my posts tells me that I'm at least not completely crazy.
As u well know I'm in a similar situation. We officially got our apartment together, he's moving down later but says he wants to move down sooner. Anyways, this past weekend he came down to help me set it up. On his way down (it's a couple hour drive) he said he just wanted to go out to bars, get drunk as all can be and "find some bitches". I said that was cool, that we could do that. Later on before he got here we got invited to a party so I ran that by him and he said that was a good idea. So he gets here and we have all these options...what does he end up wanting to do?? Not find bitches, not go party...no, he wants to just hang out with me alone. Obviously I'm down for that hahaha. His going out and getting drunk as fuck and finding bitches turned into relatively sober (we smoke weed, but he maybe had 3 drinks) one on one time. We ended up just going out for a drive (early before we started drinking) just talking etc. then got back to the apartment and worked on setting it up, played some video games and just hung out together. Next day we went out for lunch. He asked what I wanted and when the waitress came he ordered the same thing for both of us, like we were on a date. Later on that night he cooked dinner for me even though he wasn't hungry. Then he left and told me he had a real good time. Now it's been 4 days since he's talked to me. I should also add that he helped me move my stuff here. His gf wanted him to come home that night to visit her even though we were hours away. He really didn't want to but wanted to stay with me. We even drove around for over an hour before we started unloading just to delay in hopes she would give up saying it was too late. Finally she won, we quickly unloaded and drove back that night (originally we were gunna spend the night and leave in the morning). He also said he had a real good time moving with me. I could tell he genuinely wanted to be there and was very excited. Anyways this led to more days of silence after. With my friend, any time we have a great moment, it's followed up by silence and avoidance. I will almost guarantee its him running from his gayness and trying to get back to being straight, as I know you've followed my story as well mojoe. Point of me sharing all of this is, both you and I have to learn to deal with this in a different way. We can't beat ourselves up for their actions. It's them running, not us. But funny thing is, every time they run from us, they wind up running back to us. One of these times they're just going to stay and quit running. In my case, I've learned to take his awkward behavior as a good thing. It shows to me that I'm not crazy and that I really am on to something, and that in a weird way progress is being made. Yes it's still frustrating. Every time my phone goes off I'm hoping its him and it still isn't him. But what is my guy going to do when we are officially living together..hide in his room for two weeks every time we grow together?? At some point they will grow tired of their running game and have to face the facts...that they aren't straight, and that they have feelings for the person they're running from. I know look at this awkward behavior with confidence that some day it will all sort itself out. It still isn't pleasant to deal with, but I can now be sane about it, and that really helps me to keep a smile on my face and allows me to continue on with my day. In my case, my friend isn't going anywhere, things can only get better. And I believe that to be the case with your situation as well.
You most certainly aren't crazy! the reason why i've been intently following your story is because it sounds like an exact reflection of myself. The things you've said, even the assumption that you are "crazy" echoes what I have said to myself over the past few months... I guess I want to continue reading your story because I want it to end happy. I want your story to end happy. I need to know that stories like this can end happy... My story is basically finished, but yours isn't. I want your story to end differently... Plus if you ask me, with regards to the guy concerned in your story, when he is at least angry, or shuts down- to me, I see that as being at least an improvement over having someone methodically, intelligently and above all calmly, handle a situation like this. If someone is calm, methodical and intelligible in their rejection, it means that they are devoid of emotion, and most likely what you are saying isn't affecting them as much- hence the reasonable answer. However, an angry and unreasonable response, to me at least, is indicative of some form of emotion at play. Emotion is unreasonable. It is illogical. It makes a fool out of us when we are hurt. It is confusing. It makes us try to avoid it. It makes us do silly things...
It is good to be reassured that I'm not crazy. Sometimes I really wonder about myself haha. I can't help but think that there is something wrong with me. That another person shouldn't be able to affect me so much. I still feel like I have a problem because One person can make me so happy and feel so good, and then make me so upset, anxious, and depressed. If it was something completely made up in my mind I would think that I probably need some help. So thank you, Mystory, Dakine, and everyone else who's reassured me that I'm not just losing my mind. I only have 2 friends that I even talk about him to and they both know him quite well at this point now. They both tell em the same, that I'm not at all crazy. For me it's not that I just want my story to have a happy ending. I need there to be a happy ending for me. I've been down the road of unrequited love before and it almost killed me. Never has anything been like this though. The deepness of our connection and bond, the strength of my feelings for him, the strangeness of our friendship when compared to that of a normal straight friendship. This is a whole new experience for me and have given me feelings that I didn't think existed inside of me. I guess what gives me the most hope, besides our actual closeness and his obvious attachment to me, is his reaction to me every time I've mentioned how I feel for him. It's always ended in either avoidance, defensiveness, or downright cruelty as can be read about in a previous thread. I guess I figure that if he didn't have any feelings for me he wouldn't have a problem saying hey dude, I'm straight, and then joking about my feelings for him. The actual straight guy that I had feelings for would often joke about it with me. I could tell him I loved him and he didn't care, and would even say it back on occasion. He had no problem with me being gay and being in love with him and also talking about it. With my friend now, as close as we are, I can't so much as mentioned that i care about him without him acting weird. So yeah, here's hoping I guess. Not even so much for my sake, but for his too. I know very well that I can't continue our friendship in its current form if he really doesn't have feelings for me. Not that I can't be his friend. I just can't let him cling to me the way he does now. I don't think anybody is that emotionally strong.
I just can't help but be afraid that we won't be able to continue to be friends. Love this powerful doesn't just simply go away. I haven't even felt that another person is attractive in the last several months. I have absolutely no interest in making new friends and would be completely unable to date another person. There is no one else that even interests me, which is something that is quite different from my last few crushes. I can't even call my current feelings a crush. I truly love this guy. Not in the holywood, fantasy type love, but the real life, raw sense of love. I love his flaws as much as his good qualities. I appreciate the differences in our personalities. I'm willing to do things for him that I'm not for almost anyone else. I want to be (and basically am) committed to him and him alone, and want for us to be together forever. All this while knowing that a relationship with him (as with any relationship) would pose certain challenges. I'm willing to and actually want to dive headfirst into this. Sorry, there's just a lot going through my head right now and just writing things down seems to help. Even more so when the things I write down can be read by other people. Me and him were just hanging out together and as always, his leaving has left me with feelings of both anxiety and longing. And there's always this sense of avoidance of the topic of our friendship and my feelings. It just gets me that, out of all the straight guy friends i have, he's the only person that never talks about girls. I've honestly never heard him say that someone is hot unless it's a unrealistically beautiful actress. Most times it's in agreement to one of my friends comments about her. It is just so confusing sometimes...
I can see how it helps to write things down and I really think that if you stick with it something will eventually change, even if it takes years. The obvious question that stems from that statement is "are you prepared to spend that long on this?". I would imagine that you are, so, to quote a really annoying song from Command & Conquer Red Alert 3, "the password is perseverance". I have never been someone who gives up on anything until even the ash of the burnt out situation has blown away, and that doesn't generally end favourably but I have gained massively from doing that as well (not very helpful, I know). In this situation, as I said earlier, I really do think that you have a chance, however long it takes your friend to realise. Try approaching the situation slightly differently and you might see a change (although I imagine that you have tried everything you can think of by now).
Well, you could say that I went about things differently. Although it may have been at the expense of our friendship. I guess that could just be my insecurities talking. So a few days ago I left town for a camping trip. It's kind of a yearly thing for me and all my friends. Myself and a mutual friend of ours both invited my friend on this trip. He turned it down because he couldn't get off work again, and because he doesn't really like camping all that much. Where I was going to be gives me almost no cell phone service and besides, the last thing I want when i am camping is my cell phone. So, while about an hour away from my destination I sent him a text telling him that I won't have any service for a few days and won't be able to talk to him. Mind you, this whole day I had been very depressed and he was on my mind almost constantly. I then composed a very long message telling him that if I don't make it back home alive that I love him and that he is the most amazing person I've ever known. I got no response from that. Two days later I was able to pick up a little reception and got e few texts from the last two days. None of them were from him, but another friend of mine said he was asking her about me and if I was home yet. Now today, on my way home, I got a text asking if I was back yet. He then called me around four O'clock as he gets done working at four on Sundays. I felt two awkward to answer so I ignored it. just now I sent him a message saying i'm sorry for my emotional breakdown the other day. Still no response. I mean I guess if he's been asking about me and has called me, it probably means he still wants to talk to me and I haven't ruined our friendship. I just don't know though. I am afraid to face him. I just want him to tell me that he feels the same.
You're not crazy. Just obsessed. From what you wrote, it sounds like he sees you as nothing more than a really good friend. Your continual declarations of love and insistence on talking about your feelings is getting problematic because he's clearly uncomfortable with it. It is not worth the effort to continue suffering like this. Your heart may tell you that it will all eventually work out despite the current pain, but it is just an illusion. Since you are inexperienced with love, every little thing he do is over-analyzed and you believe these are signs that he secretly likes you back. I think you should start accepting the fact that he's probably just not into you. If he was, he would've shown it a long time ago. It seems to me that the longer you continued to pursue him, the longer the pain and depression was. Your emotional state sounds chaotic. Maybe you should start distancing yourself from him and start working on yourself. Love yourself first and foremost before anyone else.
