Hey Art! Yah Sometimes its 1 minute at a time. Gets better. Know the conflicting messages thing.... HUGS FRIEND!!!! Rose
Robert, Your story is mine in like every way. It's good to know I'm not alone. I've waited too long and suffered too much. Haven't told the kids yet but will. Your words are helpful, inspiring...
Welcome to EC, Runnerrunner! I'm glad you found this site and I really hope it helps you get through the tough times and gives you hope for better days ahead and the happiness we all deserve. Although I don't have experience being married and having kids and all the related challenges, I can relate when you said, From what I've read in here about guys in your situation, I think that you'll be stronger and more determined to find your happiness since you have tried so hard to be the straight guy and are so sick of it. I hope that's true and I really wish all the best for you. Stick around and let us know how it's going. EC is always a great place to vent your frustrations and share your wins
I am also in my 40's, married, 2 kids, and trying to navigate choices of what to do. You are absolutely not alone.
Me too Married 43 2 children and closer to telling my wife than ever. Just the unknown is the hardest. GoodLuck,
I've fought suicidal thoughts all that time and only 5 months ago realized that I deserve to live and that my kids would rather have a dad like me rather than a dad in the cemetery. Hey Runner, hope you're doing better. I just wanted to let you know that those words above have stuck with me so much. I've thought of suicide a great deal or just wish a giant boulder would fall on my head, but I do agree that my kids would rather I be alive but gay than dead. Also I imagine you also have some gratification in your children and don't wish that they had never been born, even though playing the straight dad was not authentic for you.
Hey Runner, hope you're doing better. I just wanted to let you know that those words above have stuck with me so much. I've thought of suicide a great deal or just wish a giant boulder would fall on my head, but I do agree that my kids would rather I be alive but gay than dead. Also I imagine you also have some gratification in your children and don't wish that they had never been born, even though playing the straight dad was not authentic for you.[/QUOTE] Thank you so much for asking. To be honest; it's been rough. I'm treading water and just trying to keep it together. I'm anxious for all this to be over. I do love my kids but fear that I've been a terrible father because I never knew how to be "real." I also fear that I'll never be happy, that I just have a cursed life some how. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get it right I don't want to die anymore, so that's a victory but it's a 60/40 margin right now. The future seems very bleak. I'll hang in ther because I've gone too far not to. Despite the misery of this, I know I did the right thing, finally; I'm being real, not hiding, and to anyone struggling in a similar situation I still recommend coming out. The exquisite pain of this is far superior to the dull, numbness of living a fake life. This is horrible, but it's temporary (right?!) and finally feeling real and honest emotions for the first time is great, though painful.
I have been through some extremely dark times; I can't be sure they're call gone but I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm in a new therapy group with gay men, meeting a new gay therapist on Wednesday night, and I was in a coming out group. Also EC has helped me a lot. Telling close friends has also been good. Your need support. Do you have any friend you can turn to? Have you tried to find a group or a therapist? All the above can help so much but nothing happens without support. I also want to say that if you love your kids, that is the bottom line. Kids can be more adaptable and resilient than you might realize. If you love them and stay involved, they will be okay.
I am out to myself for five months and to my wife for the past three. One of the things that is helping me to understand my gay self is reading. I picked up a book called "Becoming a Man" which is a coming out story written in the mid-90's by a wonderful writer and poet. I've also ordered a copy of the "Velvet Rage: A Gay Man's Guide to Living in a Straight Man's World." Reading, connecting on EC, working with a therapist are all steps towards embracing my new identity and ensuring that I can love myself as a gay man before I expect someone else to love me as a gay man. I set a one-year timeline for my coming out process and I'm nearly half-way there. By the end, I expect to be out to my three grown sons, their wives and ending my marriage. All difficult steps remaining, but compared to coming out to myself and to my wife, they seem less daunting. With each step I take towards loving myself, suicidal ideation gets more and more remote. I am convinced that I'm going to have a fabulous last 30 years on this earth!
Runnerrunner ~ your honesty brings forth all these other men with their stories. By the time I've finished reading this thread that you started, I realize how 'Not alone' I am/we are. It almost is sounding like a common and ordinary story, right? We all live on a backdrop of some pretty rigid societal structures that define everything. Thing is, humans are messy and not so easily defined - at least I'm not. I just am who I am - and a LOT of who I am spills beyond the lines of the coloring book with its hard black lines that define the edges of everything. I'm more like an impressionistic painting - lines blurred, but a worthwhile painting nonetheless. I hear your pain; I live with a fair amount of it myself - we all do. It's a human predicament. Sexuality being just one part of identity -- I think many, if not most people aren't given a chance to really know themselves AS THEY ARE; the whole culture is tainted with a superior standard that we're all supposed to imitate and be - and if we're not - don't let anyone find out. We use shame and shaming as our guide to living. That's one of the powers of community like this - speaking removes the shame of "difference" bit by bit; we find out we're not alone - and begin to see others in similar spots as good and decent people struggling to be themselves and have that be "good enough." If I can see you and others in this light, then I can begin to see myself in that light also. Compassion for ourselves, for what we didn't know when we were younger [which could fill volumes, no?!], forgiving ourselves, our parents, our culture, whatever - just lifting those veils of definition put upon ALL of us 100% - every step in that direction is a valuable step. And there's no more or better one can do, but accept and love themselves as they are - not as they wished themselves to be. If we can offer that to ourselves, then we can offer it to others - and if short ourselves on compassion and understanding - then we'll surely approach others with the same narrow vision. These are the things we embody; these things are also what we pass on to our kids - knowingly or unknowingly - the same as the color of their eyes and hair. All to say, we're alright. We're not alone. Never. Out of 7 billion on the planet - there's gotta be several million going through the exact same things at the same time. This thread is evidence of that and I thank you for that. I can feel very alone also - but at this moment - not at all. Keep walking strong - one footstep at a time. We're walking alongside one another.
Thank you aliveandwell. It means a lot to me that you took the time to read all this and respond. I agree, it's incredible how many of our stories are so similar. We'd make a great party! It's funny that when I imagine what you all look like, I assume that you look just like me because we seem to be the same person. The pain is significant. The regret is tremendous. I hate myself for what I've done to my family, but ultimately I'd do it again because the alternative (a suicidal half-life) was not possible to sustain any longer. I'm not to forgiveness yet, maybe someday? I keep wanting to hit the rewind button to set this all right from the beginning, but the cards were stacked against me from the beginning. I never had a chance. Some may see that as cowardly or a spin of some kind, and sometimes I agree, but I was there, and the 15 year old me had no ability to understand what the truth was nor what to do about it. Hell, the 42 year old me can barely manage this. I want this over. I want to be 5 years from this. I need to meet someone that I can be real with. My whole life has been me waiting for this even though I didn't realize it. My heart aches and has always ached for something that I never understood but now do. I have to believe that "he" is out there. If not, this train wreck will be had to justify. I'm not to the place where I appreciate myself and, apparently, need another to make me feel worth while. That's so stupid, but it's real right now.
