Questions before the big leap

I felt the same way as you when I was younger. To try and "fit into society" I forced myself to be with men. I sabotaged every relationship I was in with a man. There is nothing wrong with seeing somebody of the opposite sex and finding them attractive. What matters, is what is in your heart and what feels right. Don't be hard on yourself, some of us go through these feelings and its something that we have to work out. Once we are at peace with ourselves, and who we are, it'll be easier. Don't worry, it does get so much better. I hope this helps!

 

That part confused me a little, could you explain exactly how you are holding back? Normally, closeted gay males would hold back when surrounded by straight guys so as to not come off as gay, but your sentence makes it seem like you're holding back on being "straight". Confusing to say the least.

As far as being attracted to girls, I've fallen in love 3-4 times with girls back in High School, so I'd say it's pretty normal. I was bi/demisexual back then though (emotional attraction to females, sexual attraction to males), but now I'm strictly attracted to men both emotionally and sexually. Which is not to say that this will be your case however, but that it's not unusual for a person to have romantic feeling with a female, and finding out about being gay later on in his life.

 

Congrats on coming out! It's totally normal to still be questioning exactly where you fall on the spectrum. Down the road, if your conclusion changes, you can do a second coming out and specify whether you're into one gender specifically. I wonder if the fact that your parents are still pushing you to consider girls if why you find yourself holding back around guys.

 

The only advice I can give is to roll with it. There's no need to label, and no-one's gonna penalize you for ending up with a girl, if that's what happens. When you come out, just make it relatively clear that you are slightly attracted to women. If you do want to label, I would say that you're a hetero-romantic homosexual. Also, if you come out as that, no-one will understand what the hell you're trying to tell them, and it's not really worth it.

 

My assumption in this case would be that you're holding back either because your afraid or not comfortable with the thought of liking another man, or because you're afraid of the guy's reaction to same-sex attraction. It could also be both, and it's quite normal. Your sexuality is something you'll have to learn to accept, and that's something that can take time.

Ultimately, there's no need to hurry to find a label. Just experiment and see where it leads.

 

I'm having one of those moments right now. Now that I have come out as gay to my wife and a few close friends, I'm thinking, "What the fuck am I saying? I'm not gay, I'm bi. I still really like women a lot."

And in a sense I recognize that both things are kinda true. I do like women and am sorta bi. But I'm pretty sure that, sexually, I much more interested in men. And I think I need to stick with gay for the foreseeable future.

This seems to be a common theme among a bunch of men here. This confusion about how to how to identify. For women too, but my impression is that some of the men here, including myself, just keep bouncing around. Is it just internalized homophobia? I think much of it is.

 

You're old enough, IMO, to know what you like.

That said -- I have kids your age -- and it took me until a few months ago to say "I'm gay" - it was a heck of a lot easier for me to say I'm bisexual.

to me this is more about your own self acceptance. Really, deep down, what gender excites you? Do you see yourself holding hands with a woman or man while walking down the street? Do you think you'd connect emotionally better with a man than a woman?

We, all, pretty much, were wired by our families, churches, schools, government to act, think, and look hetero. That's NOT easy to overcome.

Since you're in college -- I'm going to strongly urge you head to the next LGBT meeting there -- and meet people. You'll meet bi and gay men and women, I'd think. Talk with them, get to know them. It'll help you know yourself better and be more comfortable with who you are.

You have supportive friends and parents -- who clearly want the best for you. Your folks might want you to be straight.... but based on what you've said, they are there for you -- they won't reject you based on the gender of whom you date.

How about you take this on -- put off "knowing" in your head right now. Instead, meet people, talk with them, and I mean, really talk and open up about yourself and you to them. If you dare to have this conversation with other LFBTQIA people -- at some point the lightbulb will go off for you. You'll know.

Keep posting! We're all here for you