What is most important

I am having a confusing time here. Like many others on EC I have had a good mostly happy marriage. Husband and I are best friends. Especially since coming out we have a newer freedom of complete honesty. Yes I have seen a few incidences lately with him that are really unlike him. I know that this is because he is devastated. He says he does not care if I look at -appreciate other women as long as I am not wanting to act on it. He says its no difference if I looked at men. He is my 1 exception to being gay. He has such a good heart and we do have a affectionate relationship besides the sexual relationship. He says he feels my passion but I know its not as it should be. Should I be giving up all we have & all that we have survived-much of which would have broken up other marriages for the possibility of better sex? What if I never find the same emotional- spiritual connection with a woman? 100% sure I'm gay but is the loneliness and pain I am causing & going thru worth it?

 

Oh Rose, you have expressed precisely the thought I have been mulling in recent days. I love my wife, though we have hit a rough patch, which my coming out has not helped.

One thing in my case is that my wife is 13 years older than I am and will turn 72 in August. I was out to her already as bi when she said she had lost all interest in sex. It was later that day that I contemplated the idea of "gay" out loud with her.

And oddly, as I talked about the possibility that I was gay, my desire for her only increased. At the moment, she's the only woman I truly long for. If sex is truly over for us, than I'll see about dating men, but only with her knowledge.

It's all very complicated, isn't it?

 

Yes it is wrhla. I have a younger husband who loves sex. Not demanding but too young to not be having it often. Ok during flu season, periods.... sometimes it is 1-2 weeks w/o but now I feel like I am cheating in my head sometimes to get passion going.

Skiff-
"Do you really believe this is about better sex? Would you be this upset if it was simply sex.
You appear to keep boiling it down to sex and ignoring your psychology, spirituality and identity. You are looking at the flat tire and ignoring the whole car is in flames.
I bet you see yourself doing it."
Yes I do. I like you Skiff -You call me on my crap. Thanks.

 

I know that you and Skiff are right that it's about more than sex. That's the problem for me. First, because I'm not sure I can love a man fully. And second, because my marriage matters a lot to me, and that would pose an obstacle if I could and did fall in love with a man. So much for me depends on how my wife and I sort things out. My hunch, is that in the near future, I'll be dating men. I certainly hope so. I think it's a matter of making sure we can both live with the situation.

 

We are both old fashioned in how we feel about marriage so for us its stay together in a complete marriage or divorce. Its going back and forth. Getting whiplash.

 

Then I think there are two sets of questions, those having to with sex and those having to with love.

Love: How do you feel, Rose? Do you love your husband? How much do you love him? Is it just a sort of comfortable old shoe sort of love? Or is it passionate? Do you want to grow old and die together?

Sex: Are you unfulfilled sexually? And if so, how important is that to you? I know that's how you titled this thread. So that seems to be the question.

I don't have your profile in front of me, so I don't know your age. 40s? 50s?

okay, now I see that you're 45. That's still pretty young in my book. Are you facing 25 years of sex that isn't satisfying for you? Of a potentially loveless marriage that just won't work because you want to be somewhere else, with a woman?

Is you husband open to couples counseling? Have you already done that? It can help you to sort it all out together. At least that way, if you leave, it's not like he didn't see it coming.

I'm all for openness and talking.

 

wrhla- I love him deeply. We truly take care of each other in big and small ways. He knows me better than anyone and I him. Thats why me being gay feels like a cruel joke. Some people go a lifetime and don't have what we have. but I 'm not happy. I hate feeling that way. I have this suppressed romanticness that I want to be expressing to a woman. But at same time I don't want to deal with pain of letting go.

 

Hey Rose, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am in a 4 year marriage, we've been together for 10 years and have 2 young children. I'm still in the questioning stage, I'm not quite sure if I really want to be with a woman or not.

I, like everyone on here, love my husband very much. We are best friends, he is my everything. I guess I'm confused and still trying to figure things out.

 

God, I certainly know about not wanting to cause pain. To yourself or your spouse. But it sounds like you're pretty sure that you need to leave.

Terrifying to look into that chasm, I know. Terrifying enough to make you back away from the edge. I have kept backing away myself. I hope to have the courage to do what's right when the time demands it.

 

In the middle of -you know- what-last night I realized Its taking away something from my soul to keep having sex with my husband. I am gay! I am gay! super gay! I know this because he is super fit, talented in bed & has amazing endurance & I could only think of kissing the woman I'm in love with. Can I cry now?

 

I realized last night I can't keep on doing this- putting on a show to keep from hurting people. I have to me me. I need to be free even if it means being alone.

 

LoveMusicPoetry- I have never been is just a *uck. Never. not once. Husband has never forced himself on me. He is in love with me and thats how he makes love.He is always gentle & loving. We have always slept naked and out of habit I can be a tease. After 16 years together we have a natural touchy relationship that is not sexual and one that was.We are adjusting to that. Sex with my husband is not uncomfortable its just not what it should be for me. He is adjusting and hurting too. You may see it as wrong but it can be a comfort too.